Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. Why is he already up?

2. Dream Big Darling.

3. I am fretting over this piece. I start and stop and start again. I remember that she said we can make this experience whatever we want it to be. So I pick an old piece and work through it again. Adding and subtracting. With even more distance the story feels different.

4. Just need to finish.

5. Cold toes. The downside of being next to the windows all day.

6. Cleaning did not get done. This irritates me.

7. Daily walk. The jackhammer is so loud. These trucks are from Indiana. I wonder how long they’ve been away from their family.

8. Release. Validation. Not that I should have needed more validation but now I know I’m on the right track.

9. “Relax the hold of darkness and be at cause.”

10. I find the images and send them off. I tell him that I can’t decide if I want to return. I can return, but with boundaries. I can return if I remember why I am there in the first place.

11. I ask him to drive me to the store and buy me flowers.

12. It’s supposed to rain this weekend. And the power is supposed to be shut off on Saturday. I’m looking forward to the slowdown.

13. Gott’s.

14. I want to go to bed but they are talking to us, really talking to us, and they are beautiful and funny and their minds are expanding. It’s wild.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. A house on top of the ridge has its lights on. Or is that just reflection from my own lights and all the glass playing tricks on me?

2. I make the coffee earlier than usual because I just don’t want to wait another hour to have a cup.

3. I haven’t written anything for tomorrow and I am freaking out about it. But I know the more I freak out, the harder it will be for me to write.

4. What is something culturally significant. Why can’t I remember anything?

5. “This road is scary.”

6. We stop by Model to get a pastry before I take her to school. Spinach and feta croissant for me, a morning bun for her.

7. The light is especially golden today.

8. Still nothing.

9. I hadn’t realized I was so hungry.

10. Stunning sunset no matter where you look. I get to live here.

11. Still nothing.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Fifty-One

1. Blondie or kale?

2. This is a very long list.

3. I kind of love it that even though she knows we buy the things, she still put a list by the elf for him to take to Santa Claus.

4. I should have written out my day today; things feel a little too loose.

5. Sometimes you have to ask the same question over and over again to get the real answer.

6. Cold feet.

7. I only come up with two paragraphs, but they’re good paragraphs and that feels satisfying.

8. I don’t know what I’m going to write for the next session. Was it last week she said you should write about the thing you don’t want to write about?

9. “Just think of all the things a woman could do rather than clean.” - “The Mirror Test” by Melissa Febos

10. One good line.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Fifty

1. Yikes. 3:41.

2. It sounds like rain but it’s probably just dry pine needles and oak leaves blowing off the trees.

3. Will they or won’t they?

4. He’s already awake but doesn’t want to go to school. We have a conversation about comprises we’re all making, the mutual agreements in place.

5. I wish I could get out of the car and film the swirling leaves.

6. Plank Coffee, downtown Cloverdale. I could live here. What is it about small towns? I like the quiet and the comfort of knowing every little person and thing.

7. The way the sunlight pokes through the canopy over the knoll. The sound of the leaves and pine needles blowing across the rooftops. The whirring of a wood chipper off in the distance.

8. I keep staring at the generator. Power today, but maybe not on Saturday?

9. Smart to have the people in the dental chair pointed toward the window so they can take in a tree or two and blue sky and birds, and not the white ceiling tiles.

10. I just wish it was hotter.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. Waiting for light.

2. I do and I don’t, so I don’t.

3. The star (or is it a planet?) is so bright. I wish I knew its name.

4. We get the grocery shopping before we even have coffee. It’s the best time of day to go - so early that it’s still dark and most of the people inside are stocking, not shopping.

5. Coffee and Viticulture Volume 1.

6. I should be writing but I just want to go back to bed.

7. She insists on making Croquembouche. “I think this is just as much work as the macaroons.” She is ambitious, that’s for sure.

8. He built a fire.

9. Handley Cellars 2017 Pinot Noir Roderick Ranch Vineyard.

10. I think of how she wrote something last week talking about how quickly wood burns and how wasteful it seems to use a fireplace just because. And yet.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-Eight

1. No need to get up.

2. Where’s the light?

3. Nothing for breakfast. He brings me back a ham and cheese croissant.

4. I keep looking at their “for sale” sign. Why?

5. “Stop screaming. Turn down your headphones!”

6. “Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” - Neil Gaiman

7. The leaves on that tree are so red. So red.

8. He looks up at me with that smile. I’m such a sucker.

9. Next week is critique week and that scares me. I mean, I can do it, right? Yes, I can do it.

10. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-Seven

1. Plug in the Christmas tree and stare at the lights.

2. Cleaning day but everyone is still sleeping. Start in kitchen first.

3. I light the incense she gave to us before she left the ranch. Didn't this come from Thailand? The smell reminds me of The Green House.

4. It’s already December.

5. Some people just have good hearts and you can tell. She is one of them.

6. Caught out in the wild. So delightful to run in to someone who played an integral part in us even being here.

7. Ham and cheese croissant and a hot chai latte. ”If I could combine the flakiness of this croissant from The Station with the proportion of ham and cheese by the one at Model Bakery, it would be perfect.”

8. Good opportunities.

9. So much to learn.

10. Virtual tasting with a some club members. A fun first.

11. I miss them. But he's right, we really did have a unique opportunity to spend that time with one another. And I am grateful for that.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-Six

1. 5:15 am. Is it weird to wish I’d had woken up at 4 am instead? I need the dark and the quiet.

2. Turtleneck weather is the best weather.

3. He wants a waffle. Of course.

4. They haven’t gotten the Acme bread delivery yet.

5. He compliments me on my hair. I compliment him on his hair. It is just past his shoulders and his black ringlets look soft and bouncy. We’re all having a good hair day.

6. Helpful.

7. I write a note to myself: What is the real cost of this class? How do I keep taking it? There is so much to write and this is exactly what I need to pull it out of me.

8. “How many books can I get?” “As many as you want.” I find a few cookbooks and “Kindred” by Octavia Butler.

9. The name looks familiar. I think maybe she’s a neighbor, but it’s hard to tell with masks on.

10. This tiny little town and its city council full of white people doing the work of hiring a diversity, equity, and inclusion organization to help them do better. This tiny town and its Latinx community sharing honest experiences. This tiny town and its mayor inviting the director of the Suscol Inter-tribal Council to share with us her work and to educate us on the history and healing still required. This tiny town and the mayor welcoming our young family. This tiny town and the people who choose to decide that this matters.

11. The right choice.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-Five

1. There is time for this today.

2. I say a silent “thank you” to Courtney for giving us such an amazing oven.

3. After the Storm. Focus on the Light. Against the Grain.

4. I forgot to fold the blueberries in.

5. “I don’t like the crust on the top of the scone.”

6. I watch the frost slowly melt away on the green. One swan keeps getting out of the water. Squirrels keep running back and forth across the railing of the deck.

7. A little off schedule, but this new schedule makes space for the unexpected so I am not as frazzled.

8. I keep asking what day it is.

9. He just sits right down and gets to it. Doesn’t even ask. He’s got it.

10. But someone totally opened this box.

11. A hodge-podge of a dinner but every little thing is so tasty, it doesn’t even matter.

12. Who else is excited about the library book sale tomorrow?!

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-Four

1. Complete darkness.

2. Watching the reflection of light in all the glass. What is in here? What is out there?

3. Water, water, water.

4. Why am I the only one every worried about time?

5. Everyone needs a little bit of alone time.

6. I think I want to take a picture, but then I don’t. I don’t even know if I really want to come back.

7. At first I don’t think I want to be there, but then I realize that I do. That I actually need it. And I think about whether or not I will be able to be in the next class.

8. Two cheeseburgers with ketchup. No bun, no lettuce, no tomato, no nothing.

9. You always start to feel the heat right before you make a left back onto the road that will take you home.

10. This will always be the ghost in the room.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-Three

1. There is something about seeing those lights when I come down the stairs.

2. No more leftovers. Cold yogurt for breakfast. Orange juice. A few slices of bacon. Why do I keep making it when no one will eat it?

3. Following the plan.

4. No one wants to wake up early, but then they complain about being late.

5. They probably did a ton of research to figure out the most satisfying sound.

6. “You need a mask.”

7. We’ll go right back to where we were before.

8. It’s not the underwear. It’s the old man’s comment and the underlying desire for approval and perfection.

9. Like I said to her on the phone, we are all just wounded children.

10. Too much caramel popcorn.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-Two

1. Cold ankles.

2. The sun is slow to arrive. Frost on the greens below. Any deer?

3. I could go back to sleep but instead I finish the book.

4. I knew this question was coming.

5. I hope I never take the beauty of this place for granted.

6. I worry that I accidentally cut in line but they changed everything around, so who knows.

7. I don't yet know how to return to this space, or if I even should.

8. Family time, even if virtual, is always time well spent.

9. I try to busy myself so that I stay awake longer. If I stop moving, I'll fall asleep. But I really want to go to sleep.

10. ”Whatever you yearn for, trust it.” - Chani

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-One

1. Beat her again.

2. Pages fill up quickly. Turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy before coffee.

3. ”Everything reminds you of fire, ” I write.

4. Her. Always so good to be with her.

5. I describe the first few days and notice how I drift away and everything is so vivid. I wonder if this is what she meant by ”post-traumatic stress disorder.”

6. He says I can get it today.

7. Study. Make notes. Test the printer. Should have bought the paper cutter back when I thought I was going to be a homeschooler.

8. But really, it's just a beautiful place. There's no getting around it.

9. But what if we embraced the connection instead of deviating from it so much?

10. Efficiencies. Must increase efficiencies.

11. Stumped my the riddles. ”We can't even get the ’medium’ ones right.”

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty

1. Starting at the ceiling.

2. Leftover ham and Brussels sprouts. Water and coffee. Leaving the dinner rolls for later.

3. Choosing joy. No matter how hard it might be to find.

4. Light bulb moments.

5. If I could fold myself into the shadows of the gently rolling hills.

6. These views.

7. Elegant. Nearly perfect balance. Graceful.

8. 2019 Aperture Cellars Chenin Blanc. 2018 Aperture Cellars Cabernet Sauvignon. 2017 Devil Proof Malbec.

9. Crackling fire.

10. Dangerous.

11. He remembers that tomorrow is his day to call him. That makes me happy that he's looking forward to it, that he doesn't need any prompting.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Nine

1. Better.

2. Uh-oh. Forgot to by flour. But it wouldn’t be the holidays without frantic runs to the grocery store.

3. No one shops at 6:00 am.

4. He wants firewood. She insists the tree needs candy canes.

5. I bargain with him: no X-Box until after we decorate the tree.

6. I put on my boots and head outside to forage for decoration. That might be bay laurel. Tiny pine cones. Red berries. Itty-bitty fiery maple leaves.

7. But did it land?

8. We laugh. The tree is too small to hold all of the ornaments.

9. Too much cheese.

10. It would be better if we were in person.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Eight

1. In the dream I am so excited because I finally find a teacher who agrees with me - maybe he has mild dyslexia! I thank them. I start to wake and realize it’s not real. I will need to find testing on my own.

2. I know it’s before 5 but I’m hoping it’s not 3. I just lay there and think.

3. Last day. The official last day. Happy? Relieved? Sad? All the things. But mostly relieved. I can put out one flame on this 9-flame candle.

4. Am I turning into a workaholic?

5. Nah. Just fear.

6. “That does not sound like a break up.”

7. Arms out to the side, staring out of the window. I watch the yellow leaves shimmy in the breeze. They look so happy.

8. How sad to not even be excited about cooking any more.

9. Choosing to turn down projects is a privilege. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.

10. He was always the best snuggler.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Six

1. Later than usual, but still don’t feel rested.

2. Water, coffee, leftover chicken stew. Moving files and deleting them. Looking at the scope of your work.

3. Wiped clean.

4. Thin, whispy fog. Five hot air balloons dotting the horizon. Green and red and yellow and orange.

5. “Why am I doing this, really?”

6. I could sit with them here for forever in the clear yellow light, sipping wine, talking about technology and life and our responsibility to each other.

7. Crashing.

8. The desk looks so much cleaner with nothing on it.

9. Golden State Cider Might Dry.

10. Downloading 82 updates.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Five

1. Slow, slow, slow.

2. The sound of acorns falling on the roof.

3. I just need to sit down and do it.

4. How is this only 10 minutes from my home? All of this beauty so close.

5. Nerves. Stress. The constant and quiet undercurrent of uncertainty.

6. 2018 Heitz Cellars Quartz Creek Chardonnay.

7. How can we be great again?

8. Give it a name.

9. Floundering.

10. One of these days I will not shrink.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Four

1. Toothache. Must be clenching.

2. So dark. So quiet. He’s up so soon.

3. So good to see her face and hear her voice. And the kids. And her house. I miss being in her home.

4. I really do live in a beautiful place.

5. My mind wanders: vineyards and blue sky and mountains and closed parks and trees turned black and white from fire.

6. The tree is crooked.

7. There is more work I should be doing but I can’t seem to bring myself to do it.

8. The walk to the mailbox smells like wet redwood.

9. ANTM.

10. Where is my phone charger?

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Three

1. Friday.

2. In my journal, I write that I write the day of the week every day in my journal because I feel like I’m losing track of time.

3. I miss my parents.

4. Not my emergency. But draining, nonetheless.

5. Just the two of us today. We go with a chill practice. I try to find my breath. I hope she can’t feel my wonky energy. This hour is exactly what I needed.

6. Ladue.

7. Learning.

8. Allegory of the Cave by Plato - “It is the task of the enlightened not only to ascend to learning and to see the good but to be willing to descend again to those prisoners and to share their troubles and their honors, whether they are worth having or not. And this they must do, even with the prospect of death.”

9. Fantastic Friday.

10. But where is the joy?