Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Fifty-Six
Rest day. Rest day!
Waiting to see if he gets up so I can get in the shower.
Cup o’ noodles really hitting the spot, even in 80-something degrees.
Oh no. I watch him lift the photographer over the fence. Now I have to say something.
I knew I shouldn’t have worn this sweater.
He’s being so weird.
Schramsberg. Shrimp cocktail. Crunch Squash. Little Gem salad. Massican Annia for dessert.
I don’t usually yell at people from the car, but I can with her.
Should I eat one of those burgers?
Falling asleep while writing sentences.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Fifty-Five
No legs.
Don’t forget your gratitude.
Why is she always walking in the middle of the street?
I open the umbrella and find a slice of sun on the bench. Perfect, perfect weather.
What time is it?
No! Don’t put it in Chat.
She tells me that she’s so lucky because she loves her job. She really loves her job.
Whenever they use my first name, it always throws me off.
She says that this is so nice. That it has such a community feel. That it’s so sweet that the parents do this for the kids.
Acquisition vs. Accessibility. Knowing what to do vs. being able to do it when it matters most.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Fifty-Four
The beginning of the end. No light during the morning walk.
A slice of sprouted grain bread and a very thin layer of dry almond butter.
The color of mulled wine.
A headache day.
The cruelty. What a dark heart.
He calls us bright lights. No, you are.
“…it’s how other people feel when you do what you do…”
I want a cup o’ noodles.
Why does it have to be so hard?
No dreams tonight, please.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Fifty-Three
Nooooo. The contact is torn. Headache.
That time of year when I’m lying on my back doing a spinal twist and I see just how dirty the windows are, but I know that winter is coming, so there’s no point in getting them washed now.
Maybe a solution?
I want so many things. Many are competing. This is an energetic drain.
This show is crazy.
I take him to the gym. Solo work today because he knows he doesn’t want to go all out with the adults.
I forget that he can be funny at times.
The ice cream didn’t come.
Flow.
Just a few more weeks.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Fifty-Two
A late start.
Saturday, but wishing it were Friday. Can we add another day between Saturday and Sunday?
Feedback is information.
I stick my finger in the middle of the clay and begin. Here we go.
I let out a deep sigh, and she asks me what’s wrong. I tell her it’s just that I wish I could do this more often.
You see them do it, and then you wonder why it seems like it’s so hard.
The same thing over and over and over again.
It’s the layering of everything.
There is no such thing as catching up on sleep.
2026-2031.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Nine
TGIF.
Staring up at that ceiling after savasana. Sunlight pouring through the windows.
Why am I wearing heels today?
Yes. It’s always a yes.
No, I understand. I’m just confused about the “why.”
Windows down and Linkin Park up. Blue skies. The perfect weather for playing golf, he says. He’s got his arm out of the window, feeling the wind. It’s 3-something in the afternoon, and I think about how amazing it is to have a little bit more of this time. And this is why I want something to change. Because I want more moments like these.
Why have I never been here before?
A margarita, two Aperol Spritzes, and Dave Webber.
Having to dip early because you have to finish your quiz. And you’ve already had a margarita and two Aperol Spritzes.
I’ve got the best friends.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Eight
Feeling heavy-footed.
It’s 8:30, and I’m still in the bathroom. She asks me why I keep leaving the house so late. I tell her that I think it’s because that’s just how badly I don’t want to leave my house.
Constant headache.
I eat all of the food so it must not be that bad. And it’s even cold. It could be the 2 miles from this morning.
She will be missed.
We set out for our walk and look out into the distance. It looks like it’s raining over there, but we carry on.
A motorcyclist on the side of the road. He looks like he’s taking a break. I watch him step toward the edge and stoop down to pick something up off the ground. It looks like a picture frame.
The elusive third set.
Win!
59 days.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Seven
Rest day.
I start to walk out the front door and realize the deck is wet. Wait. They did say something about rain.
“Alignment meaning: do my thoughts, words, and actions match?”
I think she’s crying. I almost stop to ask if she’s okay, but she’s actively trying to hide her face and look away. I tell myself that if I come back through and she still looks the same, I’ll ask her if she’s okay.
A light lunch.
“What happened to your dear friend?” Insert gut-busting laughter.
I tell the family chat that I’m trying to hurry up and finish my homework so that I can go to the game, too.
At first, I think she doesn’t care if I come, but then she says I can miss Back-to-School Night because I’ve already done it enough. Either she wants me at the game, or she doesn’t want me to talk to her teachers. I’m hoping it’s the former.
Look at all that green. Almost done.
Snoring.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Six
The cool, cool fog. A perfect September morning.
Whatever potential that was there is now gone.
“True wealth begins when you stop apologizing for the space you occupy.”
Meat bees.
Once you’ve had filet mignon, it’s hard to go back to cube steak.
I try to journal at my desk, surrounded by people, just to reset my mind. There is no focus today. Every day feels harder.
All the jokes about death.
“Does she still work here?”
He says he went down to the course by himself to practice short putts and chips. I wonder if he is missing his friends, feeling lonely. I remind myself that this path is his own.
Still five more pages to go.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Five
How would I feel if I didn’t do it? I'd better do it.
It feels a little like fall.
What’s the word? Punchy. I’m feeling punchy. I better stop drinking so much coffee.
Focus.
Perfect weather for an outdoor lunch. Except for the bees who want to eat my shrimp risotto
As we walk back up the hill, I tell them, “Well, yesterday on my family call, my uncle said, ‘Be encouraged.’”
The last two Tootsie Roll pops.
A sports-free night.
Miso-maple chicken with Brussels sprouts and rice. Only four of us talking about the Cubs and their home runs.
How much of it is necessary?
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Four
I really don’t want to get up.
She says it’s her favorite hairstyle she’s seen on me. And she’s been seeing me for six years.
Back in bed writing morning pages and drinking coffee.
Impactful. Creative. Joyful.
Creating containers.
When the headache spreads to your sinuses, and you feel it in your nose and cheek.
Keep it simple.
I know I really want ice cream when I’m willing to get it myself. I did, of course, check first to see if the teenagers were available to do it.
Can’t sleep.
Be encouraged.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Two
TGIF.
Coffee at home.
Calling for a meeting, then not doing any pre-reading for the meeting.
“I mean, it’s not rocket science.”
Fried chicken fried rice with a sweet and sour sauce. 2024 Trefethen Riesling.
You can tell we’re close to the coast by the way the trees have succumbed to the wind.
It’s way less stressful when your kid isn’t the one playing.
He’s a lot funnier than I thought.
The desire to write a strongly worded letter.
Full moon over my shoulder.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-One
Things are different, but have they changed?
Sixty-seven days.
She gives me a referral to a sports med doc. Finally.
Water spilling everywhere and then I go and break the coffee caraffe which means no more coffee for me.
It’s almost laughable.
“Did I make the meeting tense today?”
“When seeking guidance, don't ever listen to the tiny-hearted. Be kind to them, heap them with blessing, cajole them, but do not follow their advice.”― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves
Sitting at the tiny desk and taking tickets and narrowly escaping being decapitated by a rogue volleyball. Back at it.
He asks me what was a good part of my day today. I say that it’s leaving work to come watch volleyball.
Too many things.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty
Rest day? Rest day.
My fingers still smell like onions from when I make my lunch.
It’s the longest week. It’s still only Wednesday. If we could just have one more day back to be at home. I like being in my house. I like my friends, but I also really like my house.
Crying over Kitchen Nightmares.
Use all the senses.
“What are you excited about?”
A thrilling third set for the win.
A full-ish moon dangling above the ridge line.
I think I still have one more homework assignment to do.
What am I excited about?
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Nine
Another weird dream. I blame it on stress. Eclipse season?
Big strength, little strength.
Six tiny breakfast sausages in a paper cup.
I really gotta work on my timing in the morning. I can’t get out of here fast enough.
Gratitudes.
There’s something off about their energy today. Disconnected? Aloof? Distracted? Whatever it is, I’m regretting that we’ve added them to these meetings.
Slow down, sir.
Perfect lunch weather. If nothing else, at least there is this.
Not the referral I was hoping for, but at least an order for bloodwork.
Wait. What happened to the chili?
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Eight
So many nightmares lately.
These American bakers are not as talented as the British bakers.
The upside is the cool morning air on my scalp instead of heat building up under the hat.
Maybe faster.
Very rarely does he say something that makes me this… perturbed.
I’ll hit my 10,000 steps today. Thank goodness for the intern.
These views. These views.
She says we work so well off of each other, and she’s so right. We do. And that’s why our work looks so good. Why do they want to tear us apart?
I really need to read.
Should have ordered the ice cream.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Six
At first, I think he’s waking me to tell me something has happened to the big kid. But it’s him; he wants to run up the hill to the hospital.
For some reason, the kid holding the balloon in the mural reminds me of Bobby Hill.
Almost three hours, but back home. I put my pajamas back on and crawl back into bed.
Icy feet.
1 p.m. The whole day gone, but I clearly needed the rest.
Linkin Park, windows open, driving a little faster than I normally would.
He asks if the new hair has made me a new person. I explain that it’s an interesting situation. As I said to them, there’s a difference between choosing to have short hair versus it simply happening to you. But maybe I’ll feel different once it’s all done.
At least, I feel like I’m in a position to move forward with a plan while maintaining some sense of confidence.
I realize that I haven’t eaten all day. I pile my plate with pasta and eat three slices of garlic bread. A glass of low abv Chardonnay.
She says it’s cute. I believe her.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Five
Stretch. Core. Walk.
What’s that rustling in the leaves?
He tells me I can drive his car to work today. I slide in and am so far back, it feels like I’m slipping into the back seat. At least it’s clean.
Coffee in the dark.
Actually. Turns out that it’s nice to work in a quiet and dark office. I’m reminded of the old days in St. Helena when I could get to the office in six minutes and start my day with no one in the building.
He tells me that he’s looking forward to being able to actually wear a hat again.
Finding the shaded portion of the bleachers.
Sometimes, I just need something deeper.
I found someone. I found a little bit of relief.
Les Français.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Four
Progressive load.
I don’t even hear them leave for school, but I know they’re always out the door on time.
That feeling of wanting to help someone but not knowing how.
No shame. I just think, is this how you’d like to be treated?
Vineyard walk after lunch. I know they hate seeing us find ways to inject joy into our days.
What a wild week.What wild weeks. A wild month. A wild summer.
I can’t believe it’s finally Thursday, and I had the first two days of the week off.
Two hot dogs because I know I’m behind on my protein. Looking at the watch to see what time it is. Thank goodness the volleyball game started late. Back to being double-booked. Wait, varsity is best 3 out of 5?
I don’t know what word to use to describe this feeling yet. It doesn’t feel like there’s anything in my current vocabulary.
Should have had her bring home some ice cream.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Three
D-Day.
He’s always sitting outside on his deck in the morning. I think he lives alone; I’ve only ever seen his silhouette in the kitchen. I never wear my contacts on my walk, so I never know if he’s looking at me, so I pretend that I’m so locked in that I don’t notice him.
Moody, fall-like sky.
I’m going to be really late today.
I don’t even recognize myself.
I keep trying to get people to fight the system, but they are too scared.
He sends a TikTok link to the family chat and asks if he can make the dish for dinner. For the whole family? Of course you can.
Where is my car key?
I can’t find it because it isn’t here.
To Reddit, or not to Reddit.