Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. Honestly, I needed a break from zero-hour drop-off.

2. Sky on fire.

3. I think about the mountain lion.

4. Today is going to be the best day of the week.

5. I tell him that I’m a perfectionist. He’s telling me to trust myself. He tells me to think it through. I look at the vine in front of me and the three vines ahead of that one. I try to imagine what the clusters will look like over the next season or two. “Good,” he says. “You’re thinking ahead. You’re right.” I’m still too tentative with my cuts.

6. I would fix this, but I am not the one in charge.

7. But I hate saying that I need to be in control. It’s not the control. It’s empowerment.

8. Candlelight. Practice. Conversation.

9. I tell her about the old Italianate with the gravity press that needs to be rescued. She hands me a business card. The other one has a name that is so unique, and yet she’s now the second one I know. What’s with this small town and its duplicate odd/weird/unique names?

10. He keeps telling me I need to have honest conversations.

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Twenty-Three

1. Wilting roses.

2. The quiet arrival of dawn.

3. Last day of school for the week; I am unprepared for this.

4. Work Dad wants to make the stairs safer for us to come up and down.

5. Popcorn and cookies. I skip the Cava and drink in conversation instead.

6. The words coming out of their mouths are the exact words I let out of mine, and now I feel less alone. Less crazy. Less upset.

7. Before he leaves, he tells me to be careful. A mountain lion is hanging around. “Well, we are in nature,” I say.

8. One of the few times that I am alone in the building. I play Chopin and drink more water while I cruise through this one last task. The sun is setting, and the room is getting darker and darker.

9. What is the dream?

10. Where do you want to go?

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Twenty-Two

1. Monday or Tuesday?

2. A box of blueberry muffins. Orange juice.

3. I miss the fullness of the river.

4. We both realize that it is Valentine’s Day.

5. That fine line of telling the truth but not too much truth.

6. Smoked Duck Salad with Point Reyes Blue Cheese, pickled fennel, pear, endive, and buttermilk dressing. Wild Mushroom and Grits with sundried tomatoes, pine nuts, and Parmigiano Reggiano. Grilled Steelhead Trout with blood orange beurre blanc, braised carrots, and smoked trout roe. Affogato. Pinot Gris. Pouilly-Fuissé. st. Lambrusco. Commandaria.

7. Real conversations.

8. I schedule a pruning lesson for myself.

9. “I dream of a world where…”

10. Stay inspired.

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Twenty-One

1. In the dream, my leg has one large gaping hole. I am running around making sure everyone has what they need. But I can not seem to find a solution for myself.

2. Mon-daze.

3. These morning rides when the sky is soft and bright and quiet.

4. One load in and one load out, over and over again.

5. It is not in my nature to not care.

6. I tell him that its not the level of work that I struggle with - I can work hard and don’t mind working hard. It’s the lack of control over my time that I dislike most.

7. Aligote.

8. A cancellation that brings relief.

9. While they are talking I realize that we are the team that caused their tie in the league - handing them that loss kept them from making playing the play-offs. We silently shake our fists in the air in victory. Four more league wins next year and we make the playoffs. Not impossible.

10. If the last thing I can say before I leave the table is “I believe in you,” then I think I’m leaving on a high note.

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Twenty

1. Not today.

2. Seems like a lot for a little.

3. Right. It’s spring again. All of the things that there are to do.

4. Rearrange and make new again.

5. This is not what I expected it to be, yet I can’t seem to tear myself away from it.

6. I take the book and sit outside in the metal chair. We are nearing porch weather. The kind of weather where I begin to find swathes of sunlight on the front deck for reading and sleeping. I am so ready for this weather.

7. Sparkling wine and sunshine.

8. New muse.

9. An upside of west-coast living is being done with all the sports before 8pm.

10. “Y'all should know me well enough…Please don't call me on my bluff…”

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Nineteen

1. Felt like sleeping in.

2. Vitamins and orange juice and mentally preparing myself to coach again this morning.

3. Ice cold in the gym.

4. I apologize to the ref for yelling at him, but that if he doesn’t call those, then it starts to become dangerous - even in 10-and-eleven-year-old rec ball.

5. Podcasts and cleaning. Slowly moving through each room to give my arm a break.

6. Kids PB & J and Dill Pickle Chips.

7. When you have to keep buying adult-sized clothes for your kid, which means spending adult-sized money.

8. I am. I am. I am. I am.

9. Moments where you are sitting somewhere, with some people, and trying to understand how this is your life.

10. A waste.

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighteen

1. Finally Friday.

2. Peach roses and pink ribbon and the rising sun.

3. All black.

4. People are funny animals.

5. But when will we no longer need to to have these conversations with one another?

6. The sky is clear, the sun is out, every thing feels fresh and vibrant.

7. We arrive at her office and see three chairs and plates, and napkins set outside on the balcony. A much better way to spend this hour with one another.

8. Apple news?!

9. Just four of us.

10. Wine and rewatching the game.

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Seventeen

1. Tired.

2. The return of the light.

3. Coffee cake is not done. It’s never done in time. I dump Raisin Bran and milk into a bowl and tell him he needs to eat it in the car.

4. Still a little bit behind.

5. The three of us head out into the vineyard to find the sheep. We walk and walk and walk. Are we sure we know where we are going?

6. I take them to what I think is the right path, but I am wrong. We climb up through some more grass and find the path. Kind of way off.

7. I tell them we should do this more often - just wander in the sunshine, take pictures, and explore. There is so much beauty.

8. Boundaries.

9. I start to feel a few tears fall.

10. I tell her that we did the right things. We achieved the goals. We did it. We’re making this a place people want to belong.

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Sixteen

1. It’s only Wednesday.

2. I remember all of the things I didn’t tell him last night and spit it all out as we make the trek across the bridge. “So many weird conversations, so many weird conversations.”

3. Another one.

4. What really matters? None of this.

5. She asks me how I’m doing. I tell her a list of gratitudes.

6. But at least I have her.

7. He insists on driving me to my game, but everything feels off. This is disrupting my routine.

8. I sit them all down and pass out the medals. One for each of them. An acknowledgment of how they have served themselves and others.

9. Down by seven at the half. Not impossible. Not impossible.

10. Up by one. Up by three. Win by three. Win by three. Win. Win. Win.

11. “Remember when you thought you were losing them?”

12. Krug and fried olives at Goose and Gander to celebrate.

13. Falling asleep with happy tears in my eyes.

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Fifteen

1. Light.

2. The smell and the sound of bacon sizzling in the oven.

3. We head down the hill and come around the curve. The moon is big and white against the pastel morning sky. I am transfixed.

4. Will it ever get old?

5. He reaches to give me a hug - this stranger that I met just yesterday. But maybe it’s just an energy thing. Yesterday he picked mustard blooms. Today, I watch him play with the camera and bounce light off the model’s face. I tell the one beside me that I hope to get to that goal someday - to shoot like this, to feel creative like this again.

6. She says it without saying it. I leave knowing that I am not going to get what I want. The question is, What do I want to do about it now?

7. Already time.

8. Too many 3s. It’s only 9 points, but we can’t seem to claw our way out of it. It was supposed to a be a win. Perhaps I jinxed us.

9. They ask to stop for ice cream on the way back home.

10. She is checking in. I list what is wrong, but what is also right. She reminds me that I dreamt myself into the place I am in now. That means I can dream my way out.

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Fourteen

1. Gratitude first.

2. Nothing for breakfast. We will need to stop on the way back.

3. I choose not to fight him about the crocks anymore. It is no way to start a morning.

4. Today is our last practice.

5. They seem less organized than I had hoped, but I slow my steps and fall behind them, taking a few pictures of the mustard between the vines.

6. She’s here! She’s here!

7. I want to play, but I am still in work clothes. I apologize.

8. I look at their faces, and for some reason, I am without words. There is so much to say, and yet it doesn’t seem quite like the right time to say it. And I am sad. Maybe it’s just because I am sad.

9. As expected.

10. I try to take a picture of the moon, but I am out of practice. I worry that I have lost my touch.

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Thirteen

1. Discipline.

2. More than before.

3. I try to use the mouse with my left hand because the right one does not want to move. Not as hard as I thought it would be.

4. I turn on the Chopin and get to work. If I can just do this.

5. Today is just all nerves.

6. This is hard.

7. There is something that feels so defeating when you’re trying to offer guidance and pay attention to what’s happening on the court but you’re also trying to tape an ankles.

8. All I can do is watch.

9. I tell them that the one thing I don’t want is a quiet ride home.

10. I just need to sleep.

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Twelve

1. Less pain than the night before. I pop a few more ibuprofen.

2. A triangle of light.

3. The fluidity required to navigate the world around me is

4. The question is, “How’s your heart?”

5. I think I’ve got everyone on the same page. Let’s see if we can reach the finish line.

6. But the thing is that it’s just not who I am.

7. She asks a question that is observant, yet shocking and I am probably all too honest in my answer. But that’s just who I am.

8. Forgetting little things.

9. She stops me and tapes my arm and that relieves even more pain. A sigh of gratitude.

10. I end the practice with what I think are the right things to say. This only works if we decide that we are all in this together. Only if you really think you can win.

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eleven

1. Cold.

2. More mobility upon waking than when I fell asleep. Relieved.

3. Alone in the office, dark. Standing and staring out of the window.

4. I’d rather not say anything.

5. I think back to the day before and that were said and the more and more I think of these words, the more and more resolute I become.

6. The question is, “How?”

7. We express gratitude for one another.

8. The pain is starting to return.

9. I’m squatting on the sideline in front of my chair, starting up at the scoreboard. I feel the impulse to cry. Some combination of stress, frustration, and the pain in my arm.

10. “Losing is still hard.”

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ten

1. I decide to get ready for the day as if I will test negative.

2. Three tests on the counter. One clear. Two of us still showing lines. We’re playing it extra safe. The two of us head back up to the Covid Cave for another day and night.

3. I tell him he needs to give me a good 3-4 hours of work and then I can play a game of war.

4. It’s taking me longer to finish these small tasks than I would like. Too many distractions.

5. We press pause on the game.

6. Chicken tenders for lunch.

7. Another virtual meeting; I have him put on his headphones and be quiet.

8. What I really want to do is go back to sleep.

9. I look around and just see the long list of things I had wanted to get done before they arrive and try not to work myself into a panic.

10. He finally wins.

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Nine

1. Up later than usual but still early.

2. The golf course is white with frost.

3. I get ready as if everything is normal, preparing for the day as if the test will come back negative and I can resume life as normal.

4. The line is still there. Of course it is.

5. I did forget the pot of soup on the stove.

6. I mean, spilling tomato soup on my bed was the risk I was willing to take.

7. Taking way too long to write this handful of paragraphs.

8. Back to phone calls.

9. What needs to leave? What can stay?

10. I watch the game from the sofa, with my mask on, scorebook in my hand. Not the way I wanted to start off the season. But this is just one of 26. So close, but so far. But there is potential here.

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eight

1. Cool morning breeze.

2. A text message with another positive test. Great.

3. He really will not let us out of the room.

4. I am feeling antsy even though I am still tired. Wanting to do everything and nothing.

5. PB & J.

6. I tell him there was something else I was going to say but that I can’t remember. He laughs and calls it Covid brain.

7. He pulls his chair up to the computer screen for the family call. “Well, so here we are in our Covid cave.” A collective groan.

8. We sit on the bed and play Battleship and War. I beat him three times in checkers, though each time is better than the last.

9. Just one more night. Hopefully.

10. Then again, am I ready to return?

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Six

1. How many more mornings of this?

2. More soup for breakfast.

3. Backache.

4. So much time to lay around and think but not enough energy to do anything with those thoughts.

5. More soup. More sleep.

6. Trying to keep myself still, listening to the warnings not to push myself too hard too quickly.

7. Lightheaded.

8. I need one more day. Two more days. Three more days. Another two years.

9. The feeling of not wanting to return is a reminder that something needs to change.

10. Back to sleep.

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Five

1. The downside to all of this is the messed up sleep cycle.

2. More theraflu in bed.

3. I try to stay awake for the phone call from the doctor but my eyes keep closing.

4. He asks if he can take a test. He’s tired of being stuck in the Covid cave.

5. I ask him if he’s shaking the bed. I close my eyes again.

6. Still shaking. I reach over to pick up my phone and realize I am the one that is shaking. It’s not the bed. It’s me.

7. The protocol versus what feels like the right thing to do.

8. Apparently, she made tiramisu.

9. More tomato soup and salad.

10. Back to sleep.

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Four

1. 4:24am.

2. Watery eyes.

3. My nose keeps running and my head is hurting. I grab the last test in the house and take it.

4. Two emails done. Two lines.

5. I wake him up rushing around the house to see if there is one more I can take to double-check. None.

6. I have him buy six. The little one has also been coughing and has a runny nose. The two of us, two lines. I tell him that his cold wasn’t a cold. I bet he caught it while in the booth filming the football game.

7. A little bit of panic and then a sigh of relief.

8. Close my eyes. Just the two of us in our cough cave.

9. Soup and salad and green juice delivery.

10. Can barely keep my eyes open.