Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Three

1. A little bit of morning light before the sky darkens again with fog.

2. The sun looks weird and big and bright as we drive down the trail.

3. When it’s just the two of us in the car, he has so much more to say. “Have a nice day,” he says quietly as he closes the door.

4. Don’t forget the tacos. Don’t forget the tacos.

5. First one in. Print more calendars. Drink hot tea. Answer emails.

6. Can’t focus.

7. I am disappointed and a little bit shocked, but also not surprised.

8. I sit on the gym floor and stretch out my legs and tell the other coach about my day. I ask one of the girls how their day was. She asks me about mine. “I wish I could have switched with you.”

9. I have to take a break because they are asking questions faster than I can answer and I have a headache. I send them to go get water while I regroup.

10. I’ve got his cold. I know I do. I slide beneath the blankets and close my eyes.

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & One

1. Oh no.

2. Hungry but not sure what to death. Two glasses of juice instead - one orange, one apple. Hot water with lemon. Not the time of the year to be slacking on nutrition.

3. So cold.

4. Apple and banana and hot tea.

5. I know more about workman’s comp than I ever thought I would. Some day, this will be useful information.

6. “Remember the episode of ‘The Office’ where they talk about office safety?”

7. I can do this, I can do this.

8. Never enough.

9. Is it really what I want?

10. They mention that it’s so quiet. And it is when it’s just the four of us in there. More are coming. I promise.

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred

1. So lovely to have this light so early in the morning.

2. Change of pants.

3. Oh yeah. I forgot.

4. The more I talk about it, the more nervous I get, and the more I try to talk myself down from the nerves.

5. It is always such a waste.

6. But before she gets off the call, she ribs me about my fantasy football loss.

7. Thunder and lightening. The sound of tiny balls of ice pelting the rooftop. She opens the window just a little and lets in all the sound. We sit at our desks in the quiet, the lights off, a little mesmerized by it all.

8. I am early because I want to watch. I want to watch because I want to learn.

9. Not enough time.

10. Before I let them go, I have us sit and talk, just the five of us. They have more to say than I thought they would.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Ninety-Nine

1. In the dream, I am hiding in a closet and whispering. I am in hiding but I am worried they will not believe me.

2. Actual words exchanged.

3. Might be the last time I have to scramble to iron his white button-down for a time.

4. “Surprise, surprise / Couldn't find it in your eyes / But I'm sure it's written all over my face / Surprise, surprise / Never something I could hide / When I see we made it through another day”

5. Is this “quiet quitting”? No. It’s just setting a better boundary for myself.

6. At least I have her, though.

7. But, then again, there is this.

8. Some sense of stability would be nice.

9. Last game. One touchdown.

10. Almost full moon. Cold breezes. Hot hands in my pockets. The feeling of a light mist hitting my face. It’s finished.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Ninety-Eight

1. In the dream, we win our first game. I double over in disbelief.

2. So, so cold.

3. Sticking your head in the sand only makes things worse in the end.

4. But this sunrise.

5. Quickly eat the quiche before the office fills.

6. Best if I just keep myself planted here even without the double screens and wireless mouse.

7. How do we make this work?

8. We start with 4 and end with 2.

9. I sit in the gym after they leave and look up at the lights. The work is to move away from a state of self-pity, away from the fear of disappointing anyone, and remembering the core philosophies.

10. I reread the plot of Hoosiers on Wikipedia.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Ninety-Seven

1. Coldest morning yet.

2. I find it almost humorous how different the responses are to the same question when they are coming from different mouths.

3. I am the first one in. Only quiet. I open the window to let in a little bit of fresh air. The vines that run up the hill are changing colors. It is a beautiful view. A beautiful morning.

4. I sneak downstairs to have a more private conversation because a conversation must be had.

5. I find the comment funny but also incredibly immature.

6. If I could just have fewer interruptions in my day.

7. I sit on the bench and staple the papers together. How many will there be? I am almost certain I already know my final count.

8. Would this materially change the outcome of my season? No. If not, then what is the best decision for the team? How can I make this work?

9. Less light but more work.

10. I crawl beneath the weighted blanket and tell him that I feel like I’m being taken advantage of.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Ninety-Six

1. Kind of just want to curl back into bed.

2. Probably should go ahead and have the coffee.

3. I refuse to commit to it without a confirmed resolution.

4. I keep talking and talking and my mouth gets drier and drier.

5. I have no feelings either way.

6. It’s just that there are so many interruptions.

7. Today. Let’s see what happens today.

8. He wasn’t kidding when he said she didn’t speak any English. We know enough to muddle through introductions. I find one of my players to translate for me. And then I make a mental note to learn a few phrases in Spanish.

9. Small but mighty. I can’t really ask for more than that.

10. Finally, a real dinner, all together at the table.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Ninety-Five

1. I hear her alarm go off. Good.

2. I lose track of time and I haven’t checked in on her. We need to leave in 2 minutes, she is still in her pajamas, digging clothes out of the dryer. We are not even close to being ready.

3. The hours are going by fast and I am not sure I am accomplishing anything.

4. That did not go as planned.

5. More and more yellow on the leaves.

6. The thing is that we may talk a lot, but we do solve problems.

7. Exactly what I predicted which is still not enough.

8. Might be my least favorite day of the year.

9. We decide to stay in. There is no need for us to walk around in the cold. Beer and wine and more cornbread.

10. Tomorrow.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Ninety-Four

1. That is sleeping in. I need one more day of this.

2. It shouldn’t be this hard.

3. “If it’s filled with a bunch of 5-year-olds, I’m gonna leave.”

4. We stop on the side of the road. He tells us that there’s supposed to be a garage sale here. Here at the house I’ve been oggling for two years.

5. A old gravity-fed press in the barn. Quite possibly the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.

6. Giant protractor. An old picking bin. A small wine barrel. Wooden boxes. A set of 8 glasses that match some given to us years and years ago.

7. He tells me that it’s already sold. I imagine how it will all be torn down. No respect for the history it holds.

8. Shower.

9. I intended to do more but I’m too tired.

10. Tired and hungry.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Ninety-Three

1. Oh, shoot.

2. First fire of the season. The sound and the smell of it.

3. He is awfully agreeable this morning and that makes it all pretty easy.

4. Last game.

5. I keep moving toward the sun to stay warm but the sun is setting and there is no way to escape the chill.

6. Turns out, if you call him and he answers he will usually do what you say. They get bold when the communication is via text.

7. She stops to take a picture of the moon as we make our way back toward the car. The sky is pink and tan and powder blue and soft. Hazy from a prescribed burn on the other side of the mountains.

8. Hot chili. Forgot the sugar in the cornbread.

9. But really, who has a birthday party that goes this late into the night?

10. Turning off the alarms.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Ninety-Two

1. Not how the day was supposed to go.

2. “But here we are.”

3. The tender colors of this morning’s sunrise.

4. I drive up to the cafeteria, fill up three to-go cups - two with coffee and one half-full of oat milk.

5. Cold.

6. We really do talk a lot. It’s probably best that she doesn’t live here otherwise we’d never get anything done.

7. Everything they are saying is everything I knew they would say and have already said. What is the compromise? How do we get to where we need to be with a sense of ease?

8. Yes. I think this is going to be okay.

9. The last home game of the year. The coldest game of the year. I will be happy to have my Friday nights back, but I will miss it.

10. Proud.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Ninety-One

1. Probably should keep the windows closed now.

2. Leftover soup for breakfast. Hot lemon water.

3. This morning’s sunrise and the softness of the sky and the way the leaves on the vines are changing.

4. This meeting is never going to end.

5. We made it happen. An escape.

6. Bread and butter. Little gems with miso Ceasar dressing and shrimp. Chicken wings. Soft serve with pecan oil.

7. Sometimes it’s just about having compassion. But it doesn’t excuse the behavior.

8. I had fun. If this was the team, I’d be happy. Not ideal, but still happy. Good energy.

9. Sometimes you just can’t capture it in a camera and so just soak it all in - all of the colors and the shapes on the horizon.

10. I’ll believe it when I see it.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Ninety

1. Ready for mornings with the fireplace aglow.

2. Bats.

3. Thanksgiving is creeping up, which means Christmas is, too. I am not ready.

4. Early. Just me and the quiet. Dark offices. Spilling my half-oat-milk-half-coffee all over my desk. Clickity clack of the keyboard.

5. Soft.

6. I want it to be better.

7. Dare I say what is missing is feminine leadership?

8. Window-down weather.

9. I count eight today. I will be missing two or three tomorrow. Eight is not enough.

10. She says more words to me in those five minutes than I heard all last season and I am shocked. Pleasantly surprised. Maybe everything will be okay afterall.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Eighty-Eight

1. Exactly what I expected.

2. No, this won’t work.

3. I keep looking at the calendar for the day and there is barely any room to breathe. The entire week is like this and I’m not happy about it.

4. I am not entirely sure what to name the feeling, I just know I haven’t felt it in a long time. I wish I felt it more.

5. I just say exactly what I want because otherwise, how else will I get it?

6. Gratitudes for exactly this.

7. I hear the nervousness in my voice. Dare I say it almost sounds like embarrassment?

8. I keep trying to move slowly toward the door.

9. Never enough time.

10. I am nervous but trying not to show it.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Eighty-Seven

1. Better.

2. Golden sunrise.

3. The spider web in the corner is getting bigger.

4. I can’t stop staring at the trees and the light and the green and I hear the woodpeckers knocking on the side of the house.

5. “When We Were Birds”

6. I should be doing less, but I seem to be doing more.

7. The only way out will be if I vision my way toward a new path.

8. I am quiet the whole way there and back. My mouth is closed but my mind is on hyperdrive. Sleepy but trying not to fall asleep and be rude.

9. Another one bites the dust.

10. Remember boundaries.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Eighty-Six

1. Almost time.

2. I remove the dried flowers from my desk, stick them into the compost bin. Cool yet humid air. Quiet.

3. Too much.

4. All of a sudden I am questioning everything.

5. What I want to do is not equal to what I should do.

6. In the shade, it is incredibly comfortable. I sip slowly from the cup while we chat. I am overdressed for the current moment. I watch him catch a touchdown. I laugh a little. I am sad I have to go.

7. Beautiful breeze.

8. I hold the waxy candles against my sweater and then realize that’s a mistake.

9. “What’s with the water today?”

10. “Murder on the Orient Express” I wish I had these kind of sets when I was in high school.

11. I needed this today.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Eighty-Five

1. Cold.

2. Coffee, emails, cleaning.

3. The time is slipping through my fingers.

4. I talk to him while I wait for her to come to the office. We’re both excited for the season, the kids, the potential of everything.

5. They jump out of the door and scare her. We let the girls play hooky to celebrate.

6. Boundary setting.

7. It always looks like you’re driving straight into the mountains, these blue-grey shadows on the horizon. It never gets old.

8. My least favorite football field.

9. Firey sunset.

10. Two losses make for a long night.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Eighty-Four

1. This time of year when the sunrise slips through the little v of the valley.

2. Not quite as early as I’d like to be.

3. She asks me if I’m still not drinking coffee. I tell her no. I tell her that I’m trying to get better at managing my intake: more oat milk, start later, eat a better breakfast first.

4. I ask who’s going to do the work. January isn’t that far away.

5. Like a thousand cuts.

6. I keep thinking I’m really clear about the task at hand but the questions persist.

7. I pace in the parking lot, kicking up dust as my feet push the gravel around. I am honest with my thoughts. Clear and direct. I just want clarity. “I don’t care what it is, I just need to know what it is.”

8. Somehow, we’ll have to manifest a path forward.

9. The loudest game I’ve been to in quite some time. Cross-town rivalry at its finest.

10. A later night than usual. Gott’s. Parents with salads and burgers and wine. Girls with fries and milkshakes.

11. Gratitudes.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Eighty-Three

1. I keep trying to work myself back into the dream.

2. I know what it means.

3. These quiet morning drives into town as the sun rises. I do love a winter sky.

4. Too hot for pants. t

5. Sometimes I over-communicate.

6. Feeling a little trapped.

7. If she’s on vacation, who am I going to talk to every day?

8. Oh, boy. We’re in trouble.

9. Exactly an hour.

10. “It’s gone a bit wayward.”

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Eighty-Two

1. I welcome back the dark mornings.

2. Today does feel like a coffee kind of day. I grab the white ceramic tumbler and set it on the counter.

3. This morning the sky is clear. Just soft blue and hot pink streaks.

4. He asks me when he can start practicing driving. I remind him that he will be starting in a parking lot first. Always a parking lot first.

5. How do I have a kid almost old enough to drive?

6. Superbloom.

7. The balance between not caring but also doing what needs to be done.

8. I walk into the line to get my order and the girl starts giggling. “Haven’t seen you open gyms. Where have you been?” I say with a smile. She giggles again and promises she will be there on Thursday. The benefit of being in a small town is that you can never hide. The downside of being in a small town is that you can never hide.

9. I will never get the answer I want.

10. Nevertheless, we plug along as best we can. Keep asking the right questions to get the job done.

11. I tell him that I don’t want to be angry anymore.