Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Eighty-One

1. Too cold. Too tired.

2. Raisin bran, hot water with lemon.

3. On time again.

4. This football stuff really stinks. Really, really, really stinks.

5. Oh yes. Today is the day.

6. No more privacy.

7. I read it and then can’t focus. But I should probably just be moving more slowly anyway.

8. I start daydreaming about laying on the floor underneath my desk and taking a nap like George Constanza.

9. Oh boy. Emotions.

10. The reason this works is because we both have the same philosophies and I couldn’t be happier.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Eighty

1. Forgot to turn off the alarm.

2. I close my eyes again and remember all the things I forgot yesterday.

3. Do I really want to drive to Santa Rosa?

4. Hours spent today for minutes saved tomorrow.

5. The little one offers to bring my lunch up to me. He even remembers that I like barbeque sauce.

6. Sounds like something is knocking on the window. I think whatever was above the bedroom is now back to living above the bathroom.

7. On pace.

8. One more month.

9. I look out over the hillside and watch the squirrels scurry across the ground. There are shoots of green and yellow leaves and that stack of old hay bales from when he used to practice with the bow.

10. Ice cream?

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Seventy-Nine

1. I knew the morning was going to come too quickly.

2. Another solo session in the soft light on this foggy morning.

3. What is for me is for me.

4. I know that it’s really not about me.

5. Ok. Here we go.

6. “I’m a socialist stockbroker.”

7. Something about these big ribbons does make you feel good.

8. “I asked the last guy if I only had one more wine to taste, what should it be and he said to come here.”

9. Wine and pizza and beer and being up way past my bedtime.

10. Winter is coming.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Seventy-Eight

1. Five days in a row feeling like we’re on time.

2. Belgian waffle with strawberries.

3. The pharmacy is not open yet. We head to the grocery store for a cup of coffee. I am in my slippers. Oh well.

4. Half decaf, half regular.

5. Moving slowly through the work piled up in front of me. What is absolutely necessary?

6. Still feeling sick.

7. That slight chill in the air.

8. We wind our way through Pope Valley. Dry grass and oaks, hillsides. In the distance, craggy red mountains. I had forgotten how pretty it is over here. But there is so much beauty everywhere.

9. I miss the catch but watch him run into the endzone.

10. A half-eaten moon floats above the gray-black silhouettes of the mountains.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Seventy-Seven

1. In the dream, I am exposed but comfortable. Aware, but free.

2. The rumble of the neighbor’s truck as an aural cue.

3. A head full of ideas in a world with not enough time.

4. The desk is here. Now it’s beginning to feel like a real office.

5. A perfect 1-hour lunch at Himalya Sherpa Kitchen outside, slightly cold in the shade. Chicken tikka masala, garlic prawns, lemonade instead of Navarro Guwerztraminer because I’m still on the clock. Running into a friend who joins in.

6. Taking advantage of this pause before the next flurry of chaos arrives.

7. Once you accept it for what it is, you can’t not see. So what do you do with what is in front of you? You embrace it, or reject it. But either way, some action must occur.

8. Pump the brakes.

9. She takes two dribbles in and shoots. She makes her first basket. Finally.

10. Just the two of us at the table eating dinner and talking. Talking about football this year and being on varsity next year. Worried about not having time to get back into basketball before the season begins.

11. I walk into his room, he takes one ear bud out of his ear, gives me a thumbs-up sign, and smiles. He did, in fact clean his room. I really like this version of him.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Seventy-Six

1. Mornings like these.

2. I get him out on time even though he slept in and that is a big win.

3. At the last minute, I eat a few egos. I have to stop forgetting to eat breakfast, even though I’m not really hungry.

4. I read the words and feel a sense of defeat.

5. I remember that everyone thinks they are the one with the best idea and so it is never anything personal when there is a disagreement. But I do know that my instincts are usually correct.

6. But what is best for the team? What sets everyone else up for success?

7. The pozole is hot and as I take it out of the microwave a little bit spills onto the tender meat between the index finger and thumb causing me to spill it all over the counter and floor of the kitchen. Now, all that is left is a container of tortilla chips and a few spoonfuls of hominy, no broth. But it’s about right for how things are going this week.

8. Windows down kind of weather.

9. They bring us outside to look at the new railings. Everything is complete enough for us to be out there safely. It opens up the view so much that it’s almost as if it’s invisible. I tell them I can’t wait for my parents to get here and enjoy it.

10. But I like the Burgundies the most.

11. I just want to stop complaining.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Seventy-Five

1. I tell myself it will be a fun yet full day.

2. Hot water. Not even a tea bag. Nothing tastes good to me.

3. Sometimes doing it alone feels easier.

4. First in. Dark offices. Only the light in the kitchen on. The sound of the hot water falling into the mug. My footsteps echo as I make my way up the metal staircase.

5. Forgot to eat.

6. Not exactly what I expected to be doing today, but here we are.

7. But here we are.

8. I like to eat with people who aren’t afraid to eat.

9. For a scrimmage, this is an intense game. Three-point win, down to the last second.

10. From where did this myth emerge?

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. Morning fog.

2. Out of office responder.

3. Two cups of coffee that I immediately regret.

4. The contractor is back to work on the deck. I read against the background noise of saws and hammers. Nothing new. There is always work being done. If not a saw, then a chipper or a leaf blower or a helicopter or a jackhammer. It is normal now.

5. Gratitude for the ability to just sit.

6. I do another count and realize I am short - that I will be really short if I do not go back and try to get them to play. I write a letter to parents in hopes they will encourage their children to come out. Try to reassure them that I am different. We will see.

7. Appetite is still not the same these days.

8. I see a calendar notification come across my phone. I am tempted to open the work computer but resist. The point of not working is to not work.

9. Almost all done.

10. The risk would be big, but so would the reward.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Seventy-Three

1. I know I’m awake when I realize I’m wondering whether or not I’m awake.

2. Quiet.

3. I think this does require coffee.

4. Perfectly cool and foggy. It is mostly just on the trails save for a lone mountain biker or two. The sun starts to break through and in the distance the bright green and yellow of the reeds lining the lake look like they are glowing.

5. Pulled stomach muscle?

6. I am drowsy, despite the two cups of coffee I drank while on our walk.

7. We watch Nailed It Halloween addition. Me in the bed, him on the floor.

8. I think I need another day.

9. Lasagna and Ceasar salad.

10. Gratitudes: slow Sunday; movement; conversation; feeling a little brighter; one more day; foggy mornings; frozen lasagna; hugs; the sounds of nature.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. Forgot to turn off the alarm.

2. Small breakthroughs while moving through the poses. Not just physical, but mental.

3. In pyramid pose I look up and in the highest corner of the room is a giant spiderweb. So big and expansive. There is a small breeze coming in through the opening of the sliding glass door and as it blows against the web, it makes all the thin fibers move, almost rhythmically, like a lung.

4. Frozen lasagna it is.

5. No sheets on the bed but everything is clean.

6. I skip the stands this time and sit with them in the shade with the merchandise. Need a change of scenery.

7. At first I think the kid is crying because he is lost. The woman who is his mother sees me looking towards him. “He’s mine. He doesn’t want to come in. After being here all day yesterday and then again today.” I laugh. “I feel the same. I feel the same.”

8. Ribs.

9. Gratitudes for clarity.

10. I think I need more than Monday off.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Seventy-One

1. Finally Friday.

2. He texts me to say that he found his backpack. A little rascal took it.

3. He tells me that running away from something is never a good idea. Leave because you’ve been called. I remind him that they did call me.

4. Boundaries.

5. If only I hadn’t heard these exact same words over and over again, I might feel more relieved instead of angry.

6. Two carnitas, one camarones, two flautas. Grapefruit Jarritos.

7. The thing is, I never put my name on something I don’t believe in.

8. If you’re not taking it personally, then why are you calling me?

9. He bobbles the first catch. But the next two are for touchdowns.

10. We all keep taking pictures of the moon, so big and white and clear, hovering over mountains. The colors of the sky are soft, muted. Like looking at an old polaroid.

11. Gratitude for a little bit of my spirit returning. Still not myself, but better than the day before.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Seventy

1. Better than yesterday.

2. What is different?

3. I try to watch my face while I listen to the meeting. But I know there is no hiding it.

4. She apologizes for making so much work for me. And just that little bit of acknowlegdment is a relief.

5. I drop the carton of food on the floor. Pasta salad everywhere. So symbolic of life right now.

6. These walks are good.

7. I’m never going to get this done.

8. She leans me back in the chair, asks me more questions. Pushes for answers. Tells me that I look worse than I ever have since she’s known me. That my health is not worth it. This time I’m laughing a little on the inside because she is just repeating a conversation I had earlier in the day.

9. Wish there was an air tag in that backpack.

10. People first.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. A little more like myself again.

2. Water and orange juice and vitamins.

3. Where is my sweater?

4. He waves goodbye to me through the window. I don’t think he’s ever done that.

5. She keeps talking. I keep watching the clock.

6. Exactly what I expected to hear. But still disappointing.

7. I have too much pizza. Maybe I should have combined all of us together. Too many things to think about this week.

8. I try to explain how it is everything all combined but I don’t they are understanding what I’m saying.

9. A hug. It’s been a while since I had a real one.

10. Mint chocolate chip ice cream.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. Cold.

2. I realize that this is the first thing I run to as an escape. It is not ideal, but it is helping.

3. Going through the motions.

4. We meander. I don’t really know where the path is. A metaphor for life right now.

5. Sunlight.

6. I tell her that my frustration is just leading me to procrastination but not doing it will not help me. And maybe that’s the most frustrating part. How do I keep it from happening again?

7. She sends me a text asking if I want to join their critique group in the new year. An internal cry. There is no space for words right now. No time for art.

8. Too much time spent thinking about an escape.

9. We are winning, but the other team has improved quite a bit since the first game. Double-digit win.

10. Gnochhi.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. Something different.

2. Hashbrowns and bacon.

3. My water bottle!

4. The thing is the clenching hasn’t gotten better and so now we are here. Everything has shifted and that is part of the problem.

5. She tells me that I really need to work on my stress management. She can’t see my eyes starting to water behind the glasses.

6. Never enough time.

7. I should take more walks at work.

8. I think it’s just that I don’t have enough energy.

9. Zoning out.

10. Well. at least I have a few more days.

11. Maybe I just need to play basketball everyday.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. When the first thing you think about when you wake up is all you need to do for work tomorrow.

2. Wishing the day moves slowly. Really slowly.

3. I can hear myself snapping but everything is falling out of my mouth so quickly that I cannot stop.

4. Drinking mugs of boiling hot water really is ridiculous.

5. Stop looking at the phone.

6. Gold and Double Gold.

7. What other options could there be?

8. The sound of voices in the distance.

9. The first time all week all of us have been at the table for dinner at the same time.

10. I just don’t want to.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. I text her and tell her that we are moving slowly today.

2. Mug full of hot water. Gentle, deep stretching. Foggy fall sky.

3. He still looks a little sad.

4. The barber asks me if the restaurant is open yet. I do not remember talking to him about it. I tell him that service is a little slow, but the food is good.

5. I feel like I’m being tested.

6. More and more and more everywhere I turn.

7. I don’t want to be the one complaining anymore. Most of what is coming out of my mouth are things I’m tired of saying.

8. We will make the best out of the situation.

9. First homecoming. One down, 7 more to go.

10. Peay Syrah. Matt Morris Charbonno. Alejandro Bulgheroni Estate.

11. This has been a really, really, really long week.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. Just in case.

2. There is always just a little bit more to do.

3. Can never make everyone happy.

4. Just no leadership.

5. Finally, at the very last store, I find what I need. The person checking me out keeps making mistakes and letting a curse word or two slip quietly from her mouth.

6. We find a place on the shady side of the street next to a friend and watch the floats make their way up the street. Of course, my son is on the side of the float facing the other side.

7. The way it is phrased is almost like a threat, a passive-aggressive way to get me to do what she wants.

8. Too easy it’s not much fun.

9. I tell her that I used to be really good about my boundaries, but that this job has slowly eroded them away and I’m really feeling the consequences of it. This is not sustainable for me.

10. “I thought you all said these kinds of things don’t happen here?” he says half in jest, half in concern. “They usually don’t. This year has been weird.”

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. Always right on time.

2. A little lighter since that last phone call.

3. I don’t call to ask about the pastries. No need; we’ll do it next time.

4. One-quarter cup of coffee with her vanilla coffee mate because I haven’t yet eaten anything.

5. My list keeps getting longer and longer. I am slightly irritated at the whole thing.

6. Two rough games, but the challenge is good. They need to get used to the physicality of the sport. I remind myself I need to be quiet because these are the same refs I will have this season, too.

7. The same question three times. It’s hard to hide when you are feeling so worn down.

8. I am not the only one.

9. I just wish it felt like they were as concerned as I am.

10. He confirms what I knew would happen. Onward.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. I feel like I’m forgetting something.

2. He tells me he needs another three dollars. I run back down the hill and into town. A few moments alone are not a bad thing.

3. I feel like laying on the floor.

4. Crossed wires.

5. I take a moment at the bottom of the stairs and feel the air on my skin. It is the perfect temperature. The perfect amount of sunshine. The perfect amount of shade. For this moment, a little bit of gratitude.

6. He asks me what it means to be in the sweepstakes. I tell him I have no idea, but that she wants to make sure we have at least 50 cases for sale.

7. The strangest conversation.

8. He asks me what I thought about last night’s diversity event. I tell him it was a little too basic for some of us, but the first step in having these conversations which is important. The parents just need a place to feel heard and to have honest conversations.

9. I sit on the sidewalk and eat my greek salad and bacon turkey bravo and feel like I am in high school again. It tastes exactly the same and there is some comfort in that.

10. The first time I’ve listened to a presentation in Spanish and had it translated to English.

11. It is the desired outcome and yet I’m still upset about it.