Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. Forgot to turn off the alarm.

2. Small breakthroughs while moving through the poses. Not just physical, but mental.

3. In pyramid pose I look up and in the highest corner of the room is a giant spiderweb. So big and expansive. There is a small breeze coming in through the opening of the sliding glass door and as it blows against the web, it makes all the thin fibers move, almost rhythmically, like a lung.

4. Frozen lasagna it is.

5. No sheets on the bed but everything is clean.

6. I skip the stands this time and sit with them in the shade with the merchandise. Need a change of scenery.

7. At first I think the kid is crying because he is lost. The woman who is his mother sees me looking towards him. “He’s mine. He doesn’t want to come in. After being here all day yesterday and then again today.” I laugh. “I feel the same. I feel the same.”

8. Ribs.

9. Gratitudes for clarity.

10. I think I need more than Monday off.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Seventy-One

1. Finally Friday.

2. He texts me to say that he found his backpack. A little rascal took it.

3. He tells me that running away from something is never a good idea. Leave because you’ve been called. I remind him that they did call me.

4. Boundaries.

5. If only I hadn’t heard these exact same words over and over again, I might feel more relieved instead of angry.

6. Two carnitas, one camarones, two flautas. Grapefruit Jarritos.

7. The thing is, I never put my name on something I don’t believe in.

8. If you’re not taking it personally, then why are you calling me?

9. He bobbles the first catch. But the next two are for touchdowns.

10. We all keep taking pictures of the moon, so big and white and clear, hovering over mountains. The colors of the sky are soft, muted. Like looking at an old polaroid.

11. Gratitude for a little bit of my spirit returning. Still not myself, but better than the day before.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Seventy

1. Better than yesterday.

2. What is different?

3. I try to watch my face while I listen to the meeting. But I know there is no hiding it.

4. She apologizes for making so much work for me. And just that little bit of acknowlegdment is a relief.

5. I drop the carton of food on the floor. Pasta salad everywhere. So symbolic of life right now.

6. These walks are good.

7. I’m never going to get this done.

8. She leans me back in the chair, asks me more questions. Pushes for answers. Tells me that I look worse than I ever have since she’s known me. That my health is not worth it. This time I’m laughing a little on the inside because she is just repeating a conversation I had earlier in the day.

9. Wish there was an air tag in that backpack.

10. People first.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. A little more like myself again.

2. Water and orange juice and vitamins.

3. Where is my sweater?

4. He waves goodbye to me through the window. I don’t think he’s ever done that.

5. She keeps talking. I keep watching the clock.

6. Exactly what I expected to hear. But still disappointing.

7. I have too much pizza. Maybe I should have combined all of us together. Too many things to think about this week.

8. I try to explain how it is everything all combined but I don’t they are understanding what I’m saying.

9. A hug. It’s been a while since I had a real one.

10. Mint chocolate chip ice cream.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. Cold.

2. I realize that this is the first thing I run to as an escape. It is not ideal, but it is helping.

3. Going through the motions.

4. We meander. I don’t really know where the path is. A metaphor for life right now.

5. Sunlight.

6. I tell her that my frustration is just leading me to procrastination but not doing it will not help me. And maybe that’s the most frustrating part. How do I keep it from happening again?

7. She sends me a text asking if I want to join their critique group in the new year. An internal cry. There is no space for words right now. No time for art.

8. Too much time spent thinking about an escape.

9. We are winning, but the other team has improved quite a bit since the first game. Double-digit win.

10. Gnochhi.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. Something different.

2. Hashbrowns and bacon.

3. My water bottle!

4. The thing is the clenching hasn’t gotten better and so now we are here. Everything has shifted and that is part of the problem.

5. She tells me that I really need to work on my stress management. She can’t see my eyes starting to water behind the glasses.

6. Never enough time.

7. I should take more walks at work.

8. I think it’s just that I don’t have enough energy.

9. Zoning out.

10. Well. at least I have a few more days.

11. Maybe I just need to play basketball everyday.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. When the first thing you think about when you wake up is all you need to do for work tomorrow.

2. Wishing the day moves slowly. Really slowly.

3. I can hear myself snapping but everything is falling out of my mouth so quickly that I cannot stop.

4. Drinking mugs of boiling hot water really is ridiculous.

5. Stop looking at the phone.

6. Gold and Double Gold.

7. What other options could there be?

8. The sound of voices in the distance.

9. The first time all week all of us have been at the table for dinner at the same time.

10. I just don’t want to.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. I text her and tell her that we are moving slowly today.

2. Mug full of hot water. Gentle, deep stretching. Foggy fall sky.

3. He still looks a little sad.

4. The barber asks me if the restaurant is open yet. I do not remember talking to him about it. I tell him that service is a little slow, but the food is good.

5. I feel like I’m being tested.

6. More and more and more everywhere I turn.

7. I don’t want to be the one complaining anymore. Most of what is coming out of my mouth are things I’m tired of saying.

8. We will make the best out of the situation.

9. First homecoming. One down, 7 more to go.

10. Peay Syrah. Matt Morris Charbonno. Alejandro Bulgheroni Estate.

11. This has been a really, really, really long week.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. Just in case.

2. There is always just a little bit more to do.

3. Can never make everyone happy.

4. Just no leadership.

5. Finally, at the very last store, I find what I need. The person checking me out keeps making mistakes and letting a curse word or two slip quietly from her mouth.

6. We find a place on the shady side of the street next to a friend and watch the floats make their way up the street. Of course, my son is on the side of the float facing the other side.

7. The way it is phrased is almost like a threat, a passive-aggressive way to get me to do what she wants.

8. Too easy it’s not much fun.

9. I tell her that I used to be really good about my boundaries, but that this job has slowly eroded them away and I’m really feeling the consequences of it. This is not sustainable for me.

10. “I thought you all said these kinds of things don’t happen here?” he says half in jest, half in concern. “They usually don’t. This year has been weird.”

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. Always right on time.

2. A little lighter since that last phone call.

3. I don’t call to ask about the pastries. No need; we’ll do it next time.

4. One-quarter cup of coffee with her vanilla coffee mate because I haven’t yet eaten anything.

5. My list keeps getting longer and longer. I am slightly irritated at the whole thing.

6. Two rough games, but the challenge is good. They need to get used to the physicality of the sport. I remind myself I need to be quiet because these are the same refs I will have this season, too.

7. The same question three times. It’s hard to hide when you are feeling so worn down.

8. I am not the only one.

9. I just wish it felt like they were as concerned as I am.

10. He confirms what I knew would happen. Onward.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. I feel like I’m forgetting something.

2. He tells me he needs another three dollars. I run back down the hill and into town. A few moments alone are not a bad thing.

3. I feel like laying on the floor.

4. Crossed wires.

5. I take a moment at the bottom of the stairs and feel the air on my skin. It is the perfect temperature. The perfect amount of sunshine. The perfect amount of shade. For this moment, a little bit of gratitude.

6. He asks me what it means to be in the sweepstakes. I tell him I have no idea, but that she wants to make sure we have at least 50 cases for sale.

7. The strangest conversation.

8. He asks me what I thought about last night’s diversity event. I tell him it was a little too basic for some of us, but the first step in having these conversations which is important. The parents just need a place to feel heard and to have honest conversations.

9. I sit on the sidewalk and eat my greek salad and bacon turkey bravo and feel like I am in high school again. It tastes exactly the same and there is some comfort in that.

10. The first time I’ve listened to a presentation in Spanish and had it translated to English.

11. It is the desired outcome and yet I’m still upset about it.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Sixty-One

1. Beating the alarm.

2. Forcing down breakfast. Wishing for the return of a proper appetite.

3. “It’s darkest before the sunrise…”

4. This is the last thing I want to be doing.

5. Maybe it is because I already know she is someone I can trust.

6. She asks me what I need. But that is the problem. I can’t find enough space to even think about what I need. Besides a break. I just need a break.

7. “Are you using your gifts?”

8. It is clear that this is her talent. She is going to set records here.

9. I tell her I feel like I’m just phoning it in.

10. Start over tomorrow.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Sixty

1. Already?

2. I look out the window and see the thick, thick fog, the pale gray light of morning.

3. Hot water in the mug.

4. Where did I put it?

5. “I just want a room,” I say.

6. “I’m just about the path of least resistance today.”

7. I needed that moment as much as she did.

8. He calls and tells me the van blew past the gate. SOS.

9. Head spinning.

10. All of that for maybe nothing.

11. It just helps to know I’m not alone.

12. I stare out the window of the cart. Watercolor sky. On the plus side, I get to go home.

13. All of the emotions and yet not feeling them at the same time.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. Party day.

2. Waffles with strawberries for them. Leftover lasagna for me.

3. So much. There is so much.

4. She texts us the playlist for the car ride there. First up: Britney Spears.

5. Forgot to check the gas.

6. That feeling when they are old enough and you don’t have to watch them the entire time and can order a beer in the party room and talk with other adults while they jump and play games.

7. I am happy with this friend group.

8. On the other side of the gas pump she is quietly cursing at him. He was not where he was supposed to be. She is trying to work on the relationship and she doesn’t think he is doing his part. She got a text at 4 in the morning and he wasn’t where he was supposed to be. I stop the flow of gas, knowing I have enough to get us all home. I just want to get out of there before she hits him.

9. It’s not just me. It really was that bad.

10. It can be as good as I want it to be.

Ten.Eight Hundred & Fifty-Eight

1. Don’t wanna, but definitely need to.

2. Mind racing the entire hour. Can’t even relax in savasana - a rarity. I start out the window at the trees and watch the woodpeckers float from trunk to trunk.

3. I make a list of what needs to be done and at what times. There is not much room for anything than what is absolutely necessary.

4. Errands this late in the morning are always a bad idea.

5. This will surely haunt me.

6. Completely different weather this week than last week. Hunting for shade.

7. A little bit of rest.

8. Rethinking everything.

9. But this view.

10. A surprisingly fun evening with strangers and friends. Sometimes good comes from the willingness to be open and spontaneous. You just never know sometimes.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Fifty-Seven

1. The coyotes again. But if I get up to close the window, I’ll never go back to sleep.

2. What seems the most practical for today?

3. Should I be doing something more? No one told me what was to be expected of me.

4. Everyone else seems to be more excited about this than I am.

5. The danger of disconnection.

6. The list gets longer and longer. Monday is going to be a long day.

7. I know just about as much as everyone else.

8. But did you read the email?

9. It is his birthday and it is an important one and I haven’t been able to do what I wanted. Maybe next time. I’m always saying “next time.”

10. He yells at him to pick his head up. Good.

11. That one catch almost made up for it. I wish I had been filming that one.

12. Really, these boys are so fortunate to have parents who can and will drive 1 hour and 45 minutes to watch them, even when they lose. They will look back on it and know we all tried to never miss a game. These little things matter.

13. I finally get back to her text message. She offers herself as a place to land and I take it. The only problem is, when?

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Fifty-Six

1. Basketball morning.

2. Basketball plus gym plus football is really too much.

3. I snap a few shots very quickly. This is the spot, the perfect spot for things like this.

4. I feel like I’m doing everything and nothing all at the same time.

5. But I just need to finish this and then I can move on to the next thing.

6. They seem upset that I cut the conversation short. But I really must go. There will be other days.

7. Even more improvement.

8. I tell her that it’s a lot easier to be angry when you’re losing. They just haven’t had to experience it yet.

9. Why does the computer sound like an open can of sparkling water?

10. Why all of these headaches?

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Fifty-Five

1. 4:42am. Note to self: Don’t go to bed too early.

2. Hot lemon water. Homemade granola with dried cranberries and a splash of oat milk.

3. At the stoplight I tap him on the leg, ask him if he can just try to work on a few things. He agrees.

4. I’m still all of the things.

5. The sounds of harvest preparation. Power washers. Forklifts. Delivery trucks. All of the noise slipping through the cracks of the window.

6. Not as many as I’d hoped but good to see some familiar faces.

7. “These are grown-up problems,” I say.

8. I’m still not sold.

9. I do love getting to know her more and more.

10. He sounds like I feel.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Fifty-Four

1. Basketball. You do need to love it to want to be at the gym by 6:15am. The things we do for these kids.

2. No coffee, no coffee, no coffee.

3. Sometimes you just need to get it off your chest.

4. I stay in the car because I still have slippers on.

5. I think I’m finally getting it together.

6. It really is about the people. It’s the people that can make or break it.

7. I knock over my water bottle while on the Teams call and try to figure out how disruptive it would be for me to clean it up while she’s talking about something very serious.

8. I text her to tell her about the water spill because only she’ll get it.

9. 7th-grade girls’ basketball. So good.

10. Katya.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. A little longer.

2. Work from home/dentist/open gym attire.

3. I stare out into the valley and watch the fog weave its way through the trees. I try to take a picture with my phone, but I can’t quite capture it. Not everything

4. She’s talking to me but I can’t hear anything. I keep running my hands over my eyes.

5. Nothing he is saying is making it better.

6. Sun shower. Rainbow. Clear skies once again.

7. Just get me out of this chair.

8. This will be good for me. A good dose of endorphins.

9. I let the three of them play against the two of us and my youngest. We still beat them 3 out 3 times.

10. I’m going to feel this in the morning.