Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty-Eight

1. No OJ.

2. I like these mornings when he wakes himself up.

3. It almost feels passive-aggressive.

4. He asks me how my day is going. The headache is slowing me down.

5. Alone in the office, I have an epiphany of sorts. I remind myself that I can only control so many things. I can only adjust my expectations.

6. As we talk, I feel my curiosity rising. That is what has been missing: curiosity, creativity, enthusiasm.

7. Remember to daydream.

8. He apologizes to me again for being too personal. I tell him that there is no need to apologize, that at least he spoke to a person who understands, that I’m glad he’s got a good support system.

9. Two out of three.

10. Can’t sleep.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty-Seven

1. Work from home day.

2. Actually. It’s not a home day.

3. He takes me through the garden, tells me about the melons and blackberries, the light crop of tomatoes, veraison, trellising. It’s his excitement about the cover crop of Sorghum Sudangrass that gets me excited too. I miss being outside.

4. We both agree that the wine is legit.

5. He tells me to take an apple from the tree. Buckeye Galas. He says there’s nothing else like them. I snap a picture of one and then pluck it from the tree.

6. They say nothing which says everything.

7. We eat and she tells me things and I tell her things and she asks me questions that I can’t answer and then there are the things we both know.

8. I know what that means.

9. Maybe.

10. Comfortable.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty-Six

1. 4:05am.

2. I can move slowly, but I do need to be deliberate.

3. Fog is not so heavy this morning.

4. I sit with him while I wait, talk about work and life and laugh a bit.

5. Why can’t I find what I’m looking for?

6. Today is not going to go as I intended.

7. But at least everything is so beautiful.

8. Tired.

9. Two of them still want to come. I tell them I will be there.

10. He says that he doesn’t know why he’s telling me what he’s telling me but he’s going to tell me anyway.

11. The thing is that we always have fun; if only they would remember this. If they had just come, they would have had a good time.

12. So sore. So sweaty.

13. Almost right.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty-Five

1. The dog will not stop barking. I try to ignore it, but I can’t. So I close the windows and pray that the stops soon.

2. Is there even a point? No. But I do still need to work on a plan.

3. Homemade oat milk steamer while I stare out into the trees.

4. More work to do.

5. I keep looking at my phone; this is why I always turn it off.

6. It’s hot. Really hot.

7. Maybe we should have asked to stay inside.

8. I get the same thing as last time which feels kind of ridiculous but why mess around?

9. Ice cream.

10. So tired.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. Fog.

2. I start to break out in a sweat so I open the door just a little bit, stare up at the cobwebs.

3. Craving coffee.

4. I make my rounds through all of the spaces. What is it about the vertical stripes in the carpet made by the vacuum cleaner?

5. I just need to settle in. I’ve got to stop thinking about what is next without feeling rooted in what is now.

6. “Beringer Room.” I set down my books and walk in, discover a series of interviews from the 1980s. I make a note to return some other time when maybe I can photocopy the pages.

7. So, so hot.

8. But I still can’t remember the last time I felt pure joy.

9. I keep dozing off in the chair. She asks me if I am tired. I am so very tired. She thanks me for my patience.

10. These faces. How they’ve changed and yet how they are the same. So much changes in a year.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty-Three

1. Friday.

2. I make a plan to do the most essential things first.

3. “I don’t know about levelheaded. I almost cried in the shower.”

4. She asks me if I am prioritizing self-care, and how I’m prioritizing self-care. Tells me that my answers are not very good.

5. I take a look at the list and decide that I will figure it out, even if it’s just line by line.

6. I tell her that I have been wondering if I am just trying too hard, asking too many questions. Maybe I should just be quiet and keep myself out of everything.

7. She’s leaving, but she will be back. I’m glad she was here when all of this went down.

8. Just…

9. Nothing has been easy, but we’ll figure it out.

10. Can I just let myself settle in?

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty-Three

1. Early, but not as early.

2. Feet on cold tile.

3. Exactly what I was afraid of.

4. I give in an ask her for a chai latte. My first little bit of caffeine in a month.

5. It is so quiet in here you can hear a pin drop. I wonder if it’s because of who is in the room. It is not exactly a safe space.

6. Some progress.

7. At least we have a plan now.

8. The sun is beating down on my face but that isn’t the only thing making me sweat.

9. I tell her that I need a chocolate.

10. I head straight into the shower. Think through all that transpired. Wonder if I am the cause of my own discomfort. Did I bring it upon myself? Am I trying too hard? Should I just sit in my corner and be quiet?

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty-Two

1. 1:53 am.

2. I try to tell myself not to panic because if I panic, then I won’t be able to sleep. I try to slow my breathing and listen to the sounds of the waves.

3. 3:26 am. I’m toast.

4. Well, that was a surprise.

5. Full day.

6. I stuff the coffee cake into my mouth before heading out the door. Wishing I had coffee. I’ll drink tea at the office instead.

7. The dressing is surprisingly good.

8. “It’s okay,” I say. “People always tell me things.”

9. Perfect weather. California weather. Gratitudes.

10. I don’t think anything got done today.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty-One

1. Unreasonably tired.

2. This should work for today.

3. This will not work for today.

4. What I want is coffee. What I get is tea.

5. Her keyboard. Well, that’s one way to add a little bit of beauty in your day.

6. If I have to hear about these one more time…

7. I’m glad she’s here.

8. It’s not my fault that I don’t know anything. It’s really not my fault.

9. But at least I know we’re on the same page.

10. I probably shouldn’t have taken it.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty

1. Monday.

2. July is going to be a hard month.

3. I glance at my calendar for the day. Looks like a work-from-home day.

4. I accidentally wake him too early.

5. Craving coffee. A proper breakfast.

6. I am not holding my breath.

7. Gott’s for a milkshake. I bring both phones and a computer to work while we sit. At least I can do this.

8. I don’t even know where to begin.

9. Would have liked to see more, but I’ll take what we can get. I tell her that this is going to take time. It’s just different here.

10. Barely hungry.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Nineteen

1. I shouldn’t be getting up this early.

2. Leftover garlic bread instead.

3. Honestly, it just feels like a crapshoot.

4. I break down the rest of the boxes and pile up the packing materials. Already so much better. Getting there. Getting there.

5. Probably should have gone grocery shopping.

6. Melted cheddar on the BLT. Not mad about it.

7. So hot.

8. That’s a way to start a game.

9. That’s a way to lose a game.

10. Aperol spritzes as the sun goes down. Living for these long summer nights.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Eighteen

1. But I’m just going to lay here a little longer.

2. I think about how long it will take me to get ready. I think I can stay here for 30 more minutes.

3. I really gotta do my hair.

4. My triceps hurt. Everything is tight. I try not to let that distract me from breathing.

5. I really need to do my hair.

6. Fingers cramping.

7. I realize that if we win tomorrow, then I have to cancel my open gym.

8. I tell her that I didn’t think she’d want pasta again because she’d had it the last two times she stayed with us. But at least it’s easy.

9. Another long day tomorrow. But it will be fun.

10. When will I stop feeling tired?

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Seventeen

1. Donuts this morning.

2. He changes his mind. He will go after all.

3. I make the draft of the email quickly, let her know that I’m going on a walk but will be back soon.

4. These kinds of walks are what make me want to live on the valley floor. It reminds me of when we lived in Naperville and I would walk and walk and walk.

5. I keep waiting for something that will probably never come.

6. Adjust expectations.

7. Oh, no.

8. Snacks for the game.

9. “I feel like I’m in Kelseyville at Carpy Gang game.”

10. Two-strike hitter.

11. Were we ready for it to be over? Yes. But I’m sure glad we won, just so we could stick it to those awful fans.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Sixteen

1. 3:00am. Oh, boy. I know how this is going to go.

2. I am still up, listening to the loud chatter of birds that happens right before daybreak.

3. Are my expectations unrealistic? Have I been tricked by culture? What is my role in this?

4. Low and thick fog. Makes me want to go back to sleep.

5. “The goal today is to have no expectations.”

6. Oatmilk steamer and a green juice and a crustless quiche. The line at The Station is short today.

7. Remember when this would have been something I only did on vacation? I live where other people want to vacation.

8. We all have this one thing in common.

9. The only way I’ll see her is if I go there.

10. But at least we accomplished something.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Fifteen

1. In this dream, I get COVID.

2. Already yawning at 8:00am. This will be a long day.

3. I’m not in the mood to pretend.

4. The list gets a little longer.

5. Grateful for headphones and office doors that close.

6. Artists are eccentric and I miss being around that kind of weird and quirky energy.

7. He lets me borrow his golf cart for an impromptu property tour. We decide that I need a cart of my own. Except neither of us is the one who gets to make the decision. We laugh about it.

8. I forgot he was grounded.

9. She wants to go swimming in a lake. I tell her no. She doesn’t know that I know that multiple people have drowned in lakes over the past few weeks.

10. “In these modern times, given the enormous impact that we continue to have on the natural order of things, it may already have come to pass that what the world does need of us to continue at all is our willingness to live as true human beings, by which I mean deeply obedient to the natural world, inextricably bound to the health of the world for our health, permanently indebted to the world for whatever gives us the capacity to be human.” - Die Wise

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Fourteen

1. In the dream, I have forgotten her clipboard. And the right clothes. And to tell the girls when the bus was supposed to be leaving. Everything is going all wrong and I am trying to convince myself that it will be okay.

2. Large somethings fall onto the roof at a steady pace.

3. A Tuesday that feels like a Monday.

4. But at least it’s a work-from-home kind of day.

5. This needs a fancier bowl.

6. I remember how he says that maybe it’s a California thing. That they just aren’t direct. Confrontation is uncomfortable. But this is why everyone is just disgruntled behind closed doors.

7. Truth and respect.

8. I realize that I seem rude and unkind. But really, I am just trying to get the work done. Work Alisha and Friend Alisha and Artist Alisha move differently in the world. The sooner we get our work done, the sooner we can play.

9. He asks me what the weather is like and that’s when I realize that I haven’t been outside all day.

10. The weather couldn’t be more perfect for a baseball game.

11. Another win. The season continues.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Thirteen

1. Another rough night of dreams.

2. 5:30am without the alarm. I lay in bed and wait.

3. Slow it down.

4. The answer is, “nothing.”

5. We ask him to meet us at the restaurant in town. He eats nothing. Just like a moody teen.

6. Nap.

7. I thought we had learned the lesson.

8. It’s the little things. It’s always the little things.

9. Carnitas. Elote. Black beans. Chips and salsa.

10. I don’t want to fall asleep.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twelve

1. Rough night of sleep. Lately, every dream feels like a premonition or a memory. What is and isn’t real?

2. Game day. Again.

3. Cool morning. Craving coffee, or at least something warm. Settle for hot lemon water. Bah of the goats.

4. So many more people in masks down here.

5. But, this is what I mean.

6. Hit came too late. But, oh well. At least there was a hit. That’s all that matters today.

7. I tell him that I’d like for him to be home tonight. He was out last night; he should have dinner with us.

8. Grandfather tells us a story that makes the teenager laugh. It’s a story I’ve never heard before.

9. The littlest one come back downstairs. “You’ve been talking for two hours,” he says to the three of us. Exactly. Exactly why I wanted him home today.

10. Perfect? No. But good enough? Yes.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Eleven

1. I forgot something.

2. Gratitude.

3. Just her and me today on the mats.

4. The chatter of birds layered over Schubert’s Swan Song D.957.

5. Just need to vacuum.

6. We get to the field just in time for someone to hand me the scoreboard before the game begins.

7. It only takes an inning for them to decide to move to other bleachers. Not sure what they thought it would be like to sit with the home team fans.

8. His second at bat. We’re down 2-0. The mother behind me says, “Come on, you need this.” “He really does need this,” I say. Crack. Hard ball high and fast down the third base line, if the wind blows it will go foul. “Stay in! Stay in!” Fair. He rounds to second, gets to third on an error on the throw to home. RBI double.

9. Wine on the deck looking out into the trees.

10. He stands in our doorway, uniform still on, so tall and so lean. I tell him I’m proud of him. That what we saw today is what we’ve seen in him since the beginning.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Ten

1. Comfort.

2. Might be the best way to start the day.

3. Thick gray skies blanketing the ridge. Feels more like fall, not July.

4. How is it already July?

5. I tell her that at least I'm always feel like we get things done.

6. In the cancelling kind of mood.

7. Maybe we’re all done. Just done.

8. Brackets running through the brain.

9. Tapas.

10. There is energy here. And wine people. And if we didn't have children, we might have stuck around and gone bowling wwith the new friends-of-a-friend we try to head back to the car. Oh well.

11. I like my quiet life. Everything in due time.