7/14/22 7/14/22

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty-Three

Early, but not as early.
Feet on cold tile.
Exactly what I was afraid of.
I give in an ask her for a chai latte. My first little bit of caffeine in a month.
It is so quiet in here you can hear a pin drop. I wonder if it’s because of who is in the room. It is not exactly a safe space.
Some progress.
At least we have a plan now.
The sun is beating down on my face but that isn’t the only thing making me sweat.
I tell her that I need a chocolate.
I head straight into the shower. Think through all that transpired. Wonder if I am the cause of my own discomfort. Did I bring it upon myself? Am I trying too hard? Should I just sit in my corner and be quiet?

7/13/22 7/13/22

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty-Two

1:53 am.
I try to tell myself not to panic because if I panic, then I won’t be able to sleep. I try to slow my breathing and listen to the sounds of the waves.
3:26 am. I’m toast.
Well, that was a surprise.
Full day.
I stuff the coffee cake into my mouth before heading out the door. Wishing I had coffee. I’ll drink tea at the office instead.
The dressing is surprisingly good.
“It’s okay,” I say. “People always tell me things.”
Perfect weather. California weather. Gratitudes.
I don’t think anything got done today.

7/12/22 7/12/22

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty-One

Unreasonably tired.
This should work for today.
This will not work for today.
What I want is coffee. What I get is tea.
Her keyboard. Well, that’s one way to add a little bit of beauty in your day.
If I have to hear about these one more time…
I’m glad she’s here.
It’s not my fault that I don’t know anything. It’s really not my fault.
But at least I know we’re on the same page.
I probably shouldn’t have taken it.

7/11/22 7/11/22

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty

Monday.
July is going to be a hard month.
I glance at my calendar for the day. Looks like a work-from-home day.
I accidentally wake him too early.
Craving coffee. A proper breakfast.
I am not holding my breath.
Gott’s for a milkshake. I bring both phones and a computer to work while we sit. At least I can do this.
I don’t even know where to begin.
Would have liked to see more, but I’ll take what we can get. I tell her that this is going to take time. It’s just different here.
Barely hungry.

7/10/22 7/10/22

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Nineteen

I shouldn’t be getting up this early.
Leftover garlic bread instead.
Honestly, it just feels like a crapshoot.
I break down the rest of the boxes and pile up the packing materials. Already so much better. Getting there. Getting there.
Probably should have gone grocery shopping.
Melted cheddar on the BLT. Not mad about it.
So hot.
That’s a way to start a game.
That’s a way to lose a game.
Aperol spritzes as the sun goes down. Living for these long summer nights.

7/9/22 7/9/22

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Eighteen

But I’m just going to lay here a little longer.
I think about how long it will take me to get ready. I think I can stay here for 30 more minutes.
I really gotta do my hair.
My triceps hurt. Everything is tight. I try not to let that distract me from breathing.
I really need to do my hair.
Fingers cramping.
I realize that if we win tomorrow, then I have to cancel my open gym.
I tell her that I didn’t think she’d want pasta again because she’d had it the last two times she stayed with us. But at least it’s easy.
Another long day tomorrow. But it will be fun.
When will I stop feeling tired?

7/8/22 7/8/22

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Seventeen

Donuts this morning.
He changes his mind. He will go after all.
I make the draft of the email quickly, let her know that I’m going on a walk but will be back soon.
These kinds of walks are what make me want to live on the valley floor. It reminds me of when we lived in Naperville and I would walk and walk and walk.
I keep waiting for something that will probably never come.
Adjust expectations.
Oh, no.
Snacks for the game.
“I feel like I’m in Kelseyville at Carpy Gang game.”
Two-strike hitter.
Were we ready for it to be over? Yes. But I’m sure glad we won, just so we could stick it to those awful fans.

7/7/22 7/7/22

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Sixteen

3:00am. Oh, boy. I know how this is going to go.
I am still up, listening to the loud chatter of birds that happens right before daybreak.
Are my expectations unrealistic? Have I been tricked by culture? What is my role in this?
Low and thick fog. Makes me want to go back to sleep.
“The goal today is to have no expectations.”
Oatmilk steamer and a green juice and a crustless quiche. The line at The Station is short today.
Remember when this would have been something I only did on vacation? I live where other people want to vacation.
We all have this one thing in common.
The only way I’ll see her is if I go there.
But at least we accomplished something.

7/6/22 7/6/22

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Fifteen

In this dream, I get COVID.
Already yawning at 8:00am. This will be a long day.
I’m not in the mood to pretend.
The list gets a little longer.
Grateful for headphones and office doors that close.
Artists are eccentric and I miss being around that kind of weird and quirky energy.
He lets me borrow his golf cart for an impromptu property tour. We decide that I need a cart of my own. Except neither of us is the one who gets to make the decision. We laugh about it.
I forgot he was grounded.
She wants to go swimming in a lake. I tell her no. She doesn’t know that I know that multiple people have drowned in lakes over the past few weeks.
“In these modern times, given the enormous impact that we continue to have on the natural order of things, it may already have come to pass that what the world does need of us to continue at all is our willingness to live as true human beings, by which I mean deeply obedient to the natural world, inextricably bound to the health of the world for our health, permanently indebted to the world for whatever gives us the capacity to be human.” - Die Wise

7/5/22 7/5/22

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Fourteen

In the dream, I have forgotten her clipboard. And the right clothes. And to tell the girls when the bus was supposed to be leaving. Everything is going all wrong and I am trying to convince myself that it will be okay.
Large somethings fall onto the roof at a steady pace.
A Tuesday that feels like a Monday.
But at least it’s a work-from-home kind of day.
This needs a fancier bowl.
I remember how he says that maybe it’s a California thing. That they just aren’t direct. Confrontation is uncomfortable. But this is why everyone is just disgruntled behind closed doors.
Truth and respect.
I realize that I seem rude and unkind. But really, I am just trying to get the work done. Work Alisha and Friend Alisha and Artist Alisha move differently in the world. The sooner we get our work done, the sooner we can play.
He asks me what the weather is like and that’s when I realize that I haven’t been outside all day.
The weather couldn’t be more perfect for a baseball game.
Another win. The season continues.

7/4/22 7/4/22

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Thirteen

Another rough night of dreams.
5:30am without the alarm. I lay in bed and wait.
Slow it down.
The answer is, “nothing.”
We ask him to meet us at the restaurant in town. He eats nothing. Just like a moody teen.
Nap.
I thought we had learned the lesson.
It’s the little things. It’s always the little things.
Carnitas. Elote. Black beans. Chips and salsa.
I don’t want to fall asleep.

7/3/22 7/3/22

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twelve

Rough night of sleep. Lately, every dream feels like a premonition or a memory. What is and isn’t real?
Game day. Again.
Cool morning. Craving coffee, or at least something warm. Settle for hot lemon water. Bah of the goats.
So many more people in masks down here.
But, this is what I mean.
Hit came too late. But, oh well. At least there was a hit. That’s all that matters today.
I tell him that I’d like for him to be home tonight. He was out last night; he should have dinner with us.
Grandfather tells us a story that makes the teenager laugh. It’s a story I’ve never heard before.
The littlest one come back downstairs. “You’ve been talking for two hours,” he says to the three of us. Exactly. Exactly why I wanted him home today.
Perfect? No. But good enough? Yes.

7/2/22 7/2/22

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Eleven

I forgot something.
Gratitude.
Just her and me today on the mats.
The chatter of birds layered over Schubert’s Swan Song D.957.
Just need to vacuum.
We get to the field just in time for someone to hand me the scoreboard before the game begins.
It only takes an inning for them to decide to move to other bleachers. Not sure what they thought it would be like to sit with the home team fans.
His second at bat. We’re down 2-0. The mother behind me says, “Come on, you need this.” “He really does need this,” I say. Crack. Hard ball high and fast down the third base line, if the wind blows it will go foul. “Stay in! Stay in!” Fair. He rounds to second, gets to third on an error on the throw to home. RBI double.
Wine on the deck looking out into the trees.
He stands in our doorway, uniform still on, so tall and so lean. I tell him I’m proud of him. That what we saw today is what we’ve seen in him since the beginning.

7/1/22 7/1/22

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Ten

Comfort.
Might be the best way to start the day.
Thick gray skies blanketing the ridge. Feels more like fall, not July.
How is it already July?
I tell her that at least I'm always feel like we get things done.
In the cancelling kind of mood.
Maybe we’re all done. Just done.
Brackets running through the brain.
Tapas.
There is energy here. And wine people. And if we didn't have children, we might have stuck around and gone bowling wwith the new friends-of-a-friend we try to head back to the car. Oh well.
I like my quiet life. Everything in due time.

6/30/22 6/30/22

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Nine

I awake with fright. Is it the right time?
Need to go. Said I’d be there by 5:00am.
It’s still dark but it looks foggy. More foggy than usual. I hope it burns off.
The birds are so loud this morning. All the cacophony is still awe-inspiring.
Man.
I check in at the gatehouse, shake his hand, put a face to the name that sends me so many emails. He tells me about himself and his goals, gives me his keys because I forgot mine. I will remember this.
Still foggy.
A little embarrassed.
Tired, but moving through. Behind schedule, but not by much.
At least I am here with friends and working with kind people in a beautiful place.
Always gratitude.
A few laughs along the way make a big difference.
Their patience.
Added bonus: meeting more of my teammates that I never see.
What could I have done differently?
I tell him I just try to be genuinely kind and genuinely grateful and that seems to be working.
Done.
By the time I get back to my car, her car is gone and that makes me sad.
Flowers.
So tired.

6/29/22 6/29/22

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Eight

Cold. Thank goodness.
It’s going to be a day.
Emails first.
I get him to practice in time and still get to the meeting.
I’m feeling this white skirt.
The same feeling on a different day.
I start to think that maybe the psychiatrist was right. No. I’m not going to trust that guy’s advice.
I worry about the next day. Do I have what I need? Are the photo releases signed? Did I get the props? Add two models. Down one. Pray that it works out.
Set the alarm for 4 am.
Iron clothes. Hang them in the bathroom. What shoes will I wear? What makes sense? Keeping the nose ring in.

6/28/22 6/28/22

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Seven

The way the morning light falls through the windows.
The quiet.
Uninhibited movement.
Self-assuredness.
The people and places that have made me.
Ripe figs.
Oatmilk steamer with caramel.
Short commutes.
More quiet.
Better boundaries.
When time slows down.
Words of wisdom.
The feeling when you find an author whose words move you deeply.
Naps on the deck in the shade.
Tri-tip plates.
Her thoughtfulness.
His smile.
That he drives me everywhere whenever I want him to.
His humor.
More words.
Remembering that you get to live where people want to vacation.
That they ask for what they want.
Meaningful connections.
Adornment.
Sensibility.
Art.
Comedy.
Seeing the beauty in all things.
California dreams.
Potential.
Gentle breezes.
Sea memories.
Ice cold water on a hot day.
Community.
Summer sunsets.
Home, sweet home.
Moments of wholeness.

6/27/22 6/27/22

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Six

The Sociology of Business.
“It’s almost here,” he says. “What?” I say. “Your birthday.”
“Wonder, awe, and a feeling of being on the receiving end for now of something mysteriously good: These are antidotes to depression.” - Die Wise
Easier and easier.
Bacon.
All of the dancing around instead of getting straight to the point.
How are we still in a place where we haven’t figured out that being clear and firm is not the same thing as being disrespectful?
Heat.
Can of Coca-Cola. Weird early 90s decor. Suit jacket over a sport polo. Slicked back hair. He tells me he now lives in Vegas, it’s hot there today. Tells me about his high-powered tech patients. Tells me about atypical antipsychotics. This is surely a mistake.
But I don’t really want to move.

6/26/22 6/26/22

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Five

The sun is so bright, it must be late.
6:02. I will keep this a habit - this waking up with the sunlight thing.
But what to eat?
On the way back, I stop at the strawberry stand. No plans for what they will become, but they will be enjoyed.
Pasta from scratch. I make the spread for the garlic bread using the oil from the garlic confit. The importance of building the larder first. Foundations are key.
Responses.
She sends me a text from Mallorca.
Forgot to add the yolk to the dressing.
But the point is to bring back some of the things that bring me joy.
It was slow enough.

6/25/22 6/25/22

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Four

The pump is so loud.
Slow start to Saturday morning. Wondering how to make the minutes move as slowly as possible.
Golden latte. Forgot to ask for oat milk.
I carry another cookbook out to the deck: Gjelina. In another life I’d be a chef. Or a cook. Or just in the kitchen. There is still time, perhaps.
What wakes me from my nap is the growing warmth on my forehead. The sun has moved overhead into the gap of the crown.
I tell myself I will start with simple things first: breakfast, pantry items, condiments and sauces. I can build from there.
He is getting so tall. So, so tall.
Corn dressing over fresh tomatoes. For the second bowl I add an extra drizzle of St. Helena Olive Oil to my bowl. It deepens the flavor and adds richness. Ingredients matter.
One glass of white wine and earphones in my ears. I should really clean off the hammock.
A long list of wants.