Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Eighty-Nine

1. First day.

2. Last glass of orange juice. Really need to figure out my breakfast situation.

3. Coffee in the tall tumbler while sorting through emails.

4. I cannot hear every word, but something is happening and it’s not a good thing. And there’s nothing I can do at the moment to fix it.

5. Can’t stop sweating.

6. Noticing a theme.

7. Solution-oriented.

8. Too full from lunch to eat dinner. Over-stuffed. I blame emotions.

9. The Bald and the Beautiful.

10. I so badly want to sit outside and read in the glow of evening light. But it is too hot and I can not find the right extension cord to blow the leaves off the deck and furniture. But there will be other days for it. Just not today.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Eighty-Eight

1. Today is the day.

2. The early heat is a reminder that it is indeed officially summer - it’s the last day of school.

3. He needs “nice” clothes for the day. I take his measurements and try not to talk about his height again, but he is getting so tall.

4. I ask them to hurry so that I can take the picture before it’s time to get in the car. The littlest one is still getting his shoes on. The big one kneels down and ties the shoe for him and reminds him that he’s going to be in middle school next year so he needs to get faster. But he says it so nicely, so kindly. I am doing something right.

5. Loveski bagels and talks about sweaters and should we start a little free library in the cafeteria?

6. Never enough time.

7. Maybe, one day, I will stop having three jobs.

8. She tells him that he looks like but he can’t hear her through the ear pods.

9. He did it. We made it through. And I think things are looking up.

10. Fried olives and meatballs and Brussel sprouts and burrata toast and halibut over risotto. Good conversation.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Eighty-Seven

1. Birds, birds, birds.

2. I remember that she needs things in order to bake the treats for her class.

3. I get back home and unload the milk, the boxes of brownie mix, the orange juice. No eggs.

4. I make my way down the stairs and see a carton on the ground. We talk through the window. He is in quarantine like almost everyone I know.

5. Stress sweat from pivoting on the fly. Frustrated because maybe it shouldn’t have been this hard but all of this is just a learning moment. What will I do differently next time?

6. Shoot snacks down to the gate house.

7. Thankfully, we are in the shade. The ceremony is quick - the benefit of being in such a small school They call the names in his class first. No blazer because they were supposed to be in their tye-dye. No more elementary school.

8. I can barely keep my eyes open.

9. No air in the office.

10. The first time in a long time that all five of us are sitting down together for dinner - and talking. So ready for summer.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Eighty-Six

1. The loud hum of some machine.

2. Emotional hangover.

3. The only way to work it out is to write it over and over and over again.

4. I think of how she said to not be attached to the outcome. Do what you know needs to be done, but be prepared for the undesired outcome.

5. Relieved.

6. The problem is that it never seems like the right time to ask.

7. I am unsure of what to do with the request. I suppose I just help, even though I know there is probably no way of shifting the outcome. Even though I know they are probably already tired of seeing my name in their inboxes.

8. I hear the sound of tears in his voice and know immediately what has happened: his fresh french fries are on the floor of the car.

9. 4-1 Rangers. 4-3 Rangers. 5-4 Napa. 7-5 Rangers.

10. It is after 8 o’clock and the sky is now a deep and dusty blue. The silhouettes of the mountain ranges loom high above. I think of how lucky we are, even with all of this.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Eighty-Five

1. In the dream, we are arguing with one another, first in front of a classroom of high schoolers, then in front of the principal. Really need to not dream about this ever again.

2. Later than usual but necessary.

3. Fuel gauge low. Living on the edge. How much of this is due to the incline of the car? Can I make it to and from school? The car tells me I still have 42 miles until empty. Do I trust it?

4. Long, long list and three very large cups of coffee.

5. Humor.

6. It’s this thing but also other things and that’s why I am crying.

7. Lunch outside.

8. Three COVID messages in one day is three too many. Can we just get through school?

9. He shows us all of the Zoom backgrounds his school district created for each month: Pride, AAPI, Women’s History Month, Black History Month. He also has his pronouns. No one is perfect, but I am ready for this change.

10. Words of encouragement plus a few laughs.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Eighty-Four

1. Is that the sound of rain?

2. I float in and out of consciousness. There is nowhere for me to be but right here. This is what I love about a metal roof.

3. Still listening to the water drip drop through the trees.

4. Finally together again. Doesn’t matter that it is virtual. Soul fed.

5. No one has eaten lunch yet and it’s almost time to go. Uniform has not been washed. He asks me if he knows where his shirt is.

6. I stare out the window while I eat popcorn. The vineyards are green and lush. The clouds are still low, hugging the tops of the mountains.

7. And no cleats.

8. Surprisingly warm and humid. Bad plays. No energy. It’s like they don’t even want to be there.

9. Everyone needs boundaries.

10. We all know the reason why it looks like this.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Eighty-Three

1. How much longer can I lay here and still be ready for yoga?

2. Soft gray light, yoga mat, small cup of coffee, jar full of water. Today we are moving through the chakras.

3. She always needs to push my shoulders down and back. I carry so much in this upper part of my body.

4. Twenty-four days.

5. Slow, slow Saturday. The first slow Saturday in so many months. I don’t even want to poison it by turning on the vacuum cleaner or wiping down a mirror.

6. They keep sending pictures of the foods they are enjoying. I find it humorous. I also think of what I have to look forward to when my children are also grown: going wherever I want, when I want, and eating cinnamon rolls for breakfast without regard or regrets.

7. Sparkling wine and fried chicken while waiting for the little league home run derby to begin.

8. Am I being self-righteous?

9. “She wants a lot of sprinkles.”

10. None of my children are home yet and it’s after 10:30 at night. What are we doing?

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Eighty-Two

1. TGIF.

2. This morning, the song almost makes me cry. I blame it on fatigue.

3. She asks me if I am a coach of something. Says she saw me at the softball game and wasn’t sure if it was me. Her daughter is on the team. I feel bad for not noticing her in the stands. It’s a context thing.

4. Not sure how to get around this.

5. Is it necessary or is it about control? Is it going over their head? No. Just doing the right thing.

6. I’m telling him because I care.

7. After I tell him why I needed a meeting, he asks me a broader question. I try to be diplomatic in my language. Try to explain that people react to fear, uncertainty, lack of clarity, and stress in many different ways. And sometimes it looks like resistance, standoffishness, anger. I’m trying not to take any of it personally.

8. My job is really to make everyone else’s job easier.

9. BLT with cheddar and red onions on wheat bread. Dill pickle chips.

10. Reading between the lines.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Eighty-One

1. Eyes flutter open. Not quite ready to get out of bed. I hear something rustling against the window. No. Nothing can make that sound against the windows up here. It is an earthquake. No one wakes up.

2. Yeah. The braids will be back this weekend.

3. I send my round of follow-up emails from yesterday’s meeting. I am still just as confused as before.

4. Am I freaking out for no reason?

5. Prepared, but not.

6. Isn’t is all about self-compassion?

7. My text was confusing and still she knocks it out of the park. She sets down the kids pb & j, a container of dill pickles, as well as dill pickle chips. I chuckle. But really, my heart is warmed by the thoughtfulness.

8. I tell her that the downside of back-to-back-to-back meetings is that my brain feels more scattered. It’s hard to regroup and recalibrate.

9. The week was short but has felt so long.

10. I watch the game on the app while listening to the football coach talks about the program. Doubles, triples. They will lose - by a lot.

11. Where is the place for an appropriate release?

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Eighty

1. Ah, the warmth of summer creeping back in.

2. I listen to the bird song while I lie awake in the soft light of morning. It is harder and harder to get up these days.

3. Homemade chia seed pudding topped with stone fruit salad. Water. Craving orange juice.

4. Should really get a nicer backpack.

5. Hard to fake it.

6. In so many words, it’s about boundaries.

7. I tell her that after freelancing for so long and from being burned by a past employer I’ve learned the importance of having very clear boundaries.

8. Calculated risks.

9. He keeps saying this one thing that is really irritating and I speak to its absurdity. And I know I sound like I’m being petty, but sometimes in these meetings, it feels like they’re insulting the parents’ intelligence.

10. You can find data to support almost anything, but it doesn’t mean it’s right.

11. But who really can resist the fried olives?

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-Nine

1. Those minutes when the birds are the loudest right before the sun rises.

2. Cold.

3. I check the weather to confirm my decision. I am going to need to change.

4. I look for the fox but they are nowhere to be found.

5. Yeah, I really gotta put the braids back in. Too much work to only pull it back into a bun.

6. So much psychology.

7. The more we talk, the longer the to-do list becomes. But it’s a generative conversation, good questions, a few solutions.

8. Not another one.

9. He mentions that I’ve been to every game. I remind him that half of the softball team plays basketball. And isn’t this what we should do as coaches? Support the entire athletics program when we can? And isn’t it what the community does? Supports one another?

10. Each of his at bats is better and better. This was really all he needed - a few full games to see the ball and find his timing. There is always next year.

11. Tied in the 6th. Tied in the 7th. Tied in the 8th. Bottom of the 9th, base hit brings one home for the win. Season isn’t over for him yet. Championship game in two days.

12. Another post-game meal at Gott’s. Plus wine. Plus laughter.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-Eight

1. What did they say? What did they say? They were the perfect words. Like out of a movie. I need to remember what they said in the dream.

2. I gather all of the materials in the bathroom and sit down but then my mind.

3. Solicit input.

4. I take my journal out to the front porch and sit in the dappled light. I find the collection of short stories by Alice Munro in the car and take it back to the bench, use my sweater as a pillow and lay flat on back to read. I can hear voices but the words are indistinguishable.

5. Large vanilla milkshake with rainbow sprinkles.

6. I pull out everything again, and take a seat. Then change my mind. Again.

7. Head full of what-ifs and whys. What is it that I want? Are these reasonable expectations considering the circumstances? What is there to be afraid of?

8. Still not yet dinner time. A slow, slow day. Gratitudes.

9. We exit out the lower door and see a fox on the stone wall. It barks/screeches at us. Sounds more like a cat. We stare at it. It stares at us opening its small mouth to screech at us again. It is a young fox, and not afraid. We stare each other down.

10. What is the meaning of anything?

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-Seven

1. He asks me to close the window. It is just a little too cool.

2. I slice all 6 pounds of stone fruit and herbs, thumbs red with cherry juice.

3. Coffee.

4. I take in a little bit of sun while waiting for the right time to leave. I have him join me and sign his documents for football. He doesn’t think he wants to play. “Well, let’s just get everything in place.”

5. Always finding something new.

6. Back in the old neighborhood. It feels familiar and yet so different. There are things I miss: space and the fruit stands and the friendship.

7. Home just in time for the evening glow.

8. One movie finished. Braids out.

9. Effie Gray.

10. Different.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-Six

1. Still out of coffee.

2. I tell myself I’m going to take it easy and do more child’s pose in between. But I dig deep and find some energy.

3. Star pose as I watch the oak leaves dance in the wind.

4. Red Hawk perched atop the blade of fan, the morning light bakes it glow. The lush green of the vines below.

5. The car ride is quiet and easy. Quick transfer. Head back home. Rarely am I ever here on the weekend, watching tourists trying to order out of the pick-up window.

6. But what’s the next step.

7. Where’s The Twilight Zone?

8. Can’t fight the fatigue.

9. There are worse views.

10. I just need more time to daydream.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-Five

1. Feels like rain.

2. Out of coffee. Can I handle it? I’d rather move slowly this morning.

3. I throw my clogs and another sweater into the backseat for after the walk. There is a welcomed chill in the air.

4. An hour-long download of all the things while we drink our coffees and walk through town. “Something must be in the air,” I say.

5. Brain is shutting down.

6. I eat and eat until I can’t anymore. It is still cool in the shade. Passersby are familiar faces. I get one phone call and then another. It will not end. But we knew that. I knew that. It’s a slow burn.

7. Body shutting down.

8. I ask him if he minds waiting with me in town until the order is ready. He’s fine with it. We talk about school and sports and how his friends don’t like Kanye. “Old Kanye is the best Kanye,” I say. We talk about the documentary and how what I respect about him most is his dedication to his art. “Like Tom Brady. Don’t like the man, but respect his dedication to his craft.” He nods in agreement.

9. I eat two garlic rolls instead of pizza and get back to vacuuming.

10. A splash of Olivia Brion Taquine, in bed, reading On Vegetables by Jeremy Fox.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. Crows.

2. I welcome the slight chill in the air. A little bit of respite after the mini heatwave.

3. I run back out to grab coffee and treats for the team meeting. I like having our meetings here. It feels like a safer space for problem-solving.

4. Fear is behind the hesitation. How do we remove the fear? Who is willing to provide the support? I realize no one has soothed the worry by offering to help. Note to self.

5. A missed call. A text to call when I have a chance. It keeps buzzing. Something is up.

6. Really, all of this is an experiment.

7. Eighty-four messages.

8. I unlock the gym and turn on the lights. My water bottle is not here. Where could it be? I must have left it at a stadium, somewhere out of town where no one knows who I am.

9. Fifth Grade Parent Night in the middle school library. I sit at a table with a group of mothers from little league. She says something about dropping a diva cup and it looking like a murder scene in the bathroom. We burst out laughing. I don’t think I’ve laughed this hard in months.

10. Two of my favorite people in the valley. I tell them that I’m worried about remembering how to connect the hoses. They remind me that there are always punch downs. I can definitely still do punch downs. And clean a tank.

11. I tell him that I realize that the other gift in this whole coaching thing is just being another trustworthy adult in a child’s life.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-Three

1. Hot.

2. There is too much light coming through the slats. I somehow turned off the 4:45 alarm. It is almost 6.

3. The slam of the garbage truck emptying the cans. Forgot to dump the green waste.

4. Just getting it out of my head and onto paper is the process. There is no controlling how something is read. Everything is passing through a filter.

5. Contradictions.

6. Bubbles to celebrate. Fresh waffle chips with labneh and salmon roe. Crudites. Burger and fries. The rooms are nice and well-appointed. I’d prefer a rug here or there for added softness. But beautiful, nonetheless.

7. I try to skip over the Instagram stories and posts but there is no escaping it. And isn’t it wild how we are all supposed to go on with life and work as if nothing is happening, as if because it wasn’t our child or our town, then we should be able to proceed with life as though everything is normal? And then we wonder why we are so stressed and sick.

8. Where are the places we all go to process collective trauma?

9. Of course, I have taken all of the hats out of the car and today is the day I absolutely need a hat. He is standing behind two tall girls. Thank goodness he wore the red hat; at least I can find that.

10. I tell her that it’s so hard to believe that I am done with elementary school. I tell her how last week I realized that I had both a 5th and 8th grade promotion. How I find myself being the sentimental parent I never thought I would be.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. Bright golden light. The sound of the coffee percolating. Sweet bird song.

2. Tuesday. I shift plans so that I can be in attendance.

3. Selfishly, I’d love to have met them, but it is not right for the business.

4. I use their name and speak excitedly because I know they know about the show. They ignore me. It takes me a few more attempts to realize that a grown adult is giving me the silent treatment, all because I challenged a thought.

5. But it’s not that I challenged this one thought. It’s because I challenge them consistently. Always respectfully, but I challenge nonetheless. I remind myself that no one likes to hear no. I remind myself that this is more about them and not me. I remind myself that dynamics are challenging because of the complexity of human experience. I remind myself that I don’t have to erode my own boundaries for the comfort of others.

6. Productive.

7. Is this real? Another one? Another one? Where are we truly safe?

8. This man has no clue. He has a viewpoint but no clue. No empathy. These words are cloaked in racism and the fact that he’s been tutoring Hispanic youth is not evidence that he lacks bias. In fact, his questioning around equity shows that he has no concept of bias. But he truly believes he is right. I tell her that his ignorance does not make him a bad person, but his unwillingness to question his thinking is the problem.

9. At the end, a mother I do not know says she is happy to hear about the new policies being developed. Because her daughter is starting to feel like she doesn’t belong and that means she was considering leaving town. But knowing that the community is working on something like this makes her feel better. This one family, this one child - this is why we’ve been working so hard.

10. A loss under the hot evening sun.

11. Lady Saints win! 2-1 in the bottom of the 7th.

12. I tell him that the earlier events of the day irritated me, but that I realized that it doesn’t matter. In the grand scheme of things, my work doesn’t matter. What matters is the impact I have on the young ladies I coach. What matters is the impact I have on my community when I realize that the work I’m doing with other parents provides a sense of safety and belonging for another child. That matters. That’s all that matters.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-One

1. Warm.

2. A flash of sharp pain above the left eye.

3. It’s not a conversation I want to have, but it is necessary. The look on their face makes my heart hurt and yet I know I’m doing the right thing. But I’m still a little nauseous.

4. But will anyone use it?

5. She asks me if I’m still using the nightguard. I tell her no. I left that job and once I left that job I was able to actually open my mouth. “That’s great. But you’re still grinding and clenching so hard you’re loosening the ligaments that hold your teeth.” Great.

6. But at least we tried.

7. But did they forget?

8. Remember that most people are not trying to purposefully do harm.

9. Phone buzz. Fire on Pope Street. Two acres. Five acres. We leave to pick them up from the middle school. A grayish cloud of smoke rising from the hill. Three engines drive past us. It’s not that windy. I am not worried but I am reminded to get the go-bags ready.

10. I remind him that you get what you give.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy

1. I think we should be getting up soon.

2. I let myself move slowly. I am not yet finished braiding my hair before she arrives.

3. Everything is so tight. I blame playing 3-on-2 with the girls last week.

4. I suppose it could be interpreted as being argumentative. I think I am just trying to remind them to think holistically. It is as much what is being done as what isn’t.

5. I recognize some of them, but do not know them.

6. I tell him it’s the yoga playlist.

7. So this is it.

8. Gratitude.

9. There is no easy way to do this. But isn’t it better to be honest and cut your losses instead of staying in denial out of fear?

10. I could have stayed all day. Summer is coming. It’s right on the tip of the tongue.