Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Eighty-Three

1. How much longer can I lay here and still be ready for yoga?

2. Soft gray light, yoga mat, small cup of coffee, jar full of water. Today we are moving through the chakras.

3. She always needs to push my shoulders down and back. I carry so much in this upper part of my body.

4. Twenty-four days.

5. Slow, slow Saturday. The first slow Saturday in so many months. I don’t even want to poison it by turning on the vacuum cleaner or wiping down a mirror.

6. They keep sending pictures of the foods they are enjoying. I find it humorous. I also think of what I have to look forward to when my children are also grown: going wherever I want, when I want, and eating cinnamon rolls for breakfast without regard or regrets.

7. Sparkling wine and fried chicken while waiting for the little league home run derby to begin.

8. Am I being self-righteous?

9. “She wants a lot of sprinkles.”

10. None of my children are home yet and it’s after 10:30 at night. What are we doing?

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Eighty-Two

1. TGIF.

2. This morning, the song almost makes me cry. I blame it on fatigue.

3. She asks me if I am a coach of something. Says she saw me at the softball game and wasn’t sure if it was me. Her daughter is on the team. I feel bad for not noticing her in the stands. It’s a context thing.

4. Not sure how to get around this.

5. Is it necessary or is it about control? Is it going over their head? No. Just doing the right thing.

6. I’m telling him because I care.

7. After I tell him why I needed a meeting, he asks me a broader question. I try to be diplomatic in my language. Try to explain that people react to fear, uncertainty, lack of clarity, and stress in many different ways. And sometimes it looks like resistance, standoffishness, anger. I’m trying not to take any of it personally.

8. My job is really to make everyone else’s job easier.

9. BLT with cheddar and red onions on wheat bread. Dill pickle chips.

10. Reading between the lines.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Eighty-One

1. Eyes flutter open. Not quite ready to get out of bed. I hear something rustling against the window. No. Nothing can make that sound against the windows up here. It is an earthquake. No one wakes up.

2. Yeah. The braids will be back this weekend.

3. I send my round of follow-up emails from yesterday’s meeting. I am still just as confused as before.

4. Am I freaking out for no reason?

5. Prepared, but not.

6. Isn’t is all about self-compassion?

7. My text was confusing and still she knocks it out of the park. She sets down the kids pb & j, a container of dill pickles, as well as dill pickle chips. I chuckle. But really, my heart is warmed by the thoughtfulness.

8. I tell her that the downside of back-to-back-to-back meetings is that my brain feels more scattered. It’s hard to regroup and recalibrate.

9. The week was short but has felt so long.

10. I watch the game on the app while listening to the football coach talks about the program. Doubles, triples. They will lose - by a lot.

11. Where is the place for an appropriate release?

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Eighty

1. Ah, the warmth of summer creeping back in.

2. I listen to the bird song while I lie awake in the soft light of morning. It is harder and harder to get up these days.

3. Homemade chia seed pudding topped with stone fruit salad. Water. Craving orange juice.

4. Should really get a nicer backpack.

5. Hard to fake it.

6. In so many words, it’s about boundaries.

7. I tell her that after freelancing for so long and from being burned by a past employer I’ve learned the importance of having very clear boundaries.

8. Calculated risks.

9. He keeps saying this one thing that is really irritating and I speak to its absurdity. And I know I sound like I’m being petty, but sometimes in these meetings, it feels like they’re insulting the parents’ intelligence.

10. You can find data to support almost anything, but it doesn’t mean it’s right.

11. But who really can resist the fried olives?

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-Nine

1. Those minutes when the birds are the loudest right before the sun rises.

2. Cold.

3. I check the weather to confirm my decision. I am going to need to change.

4. I look for the fox but they are nowhere to be found.

5. Yeah, I really gotta put the braids back in. Too much work to only pull it back into a bun.

6. So much psychology.

7. The more we talk, the longer the to-do list becomes. But it’s a generative conversation, good questions, a few solutions.

8. Not another one.

9. He mentions that I’ve been to every game. I remind him that half of the softball team plays basketball. And isn’t this what we should do as coaches? Support the entire athletics program when we can? And isn’t it what the community does? Supports one another?

10. Each of his at bats is better and better. This was really all he needed - a few full games to see the ball and find his timing. There is always next year.

11. Tied in the 6th. Tied in the 7th. Tied in the 8th. Bottom of the 9th, base hit brings one home for the win. Season isn’t over for him yet. Championship game in two days.

12. Another post-game meal at Gott’s. Plus wine. Plus laughter.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-Eight

1. What did they say? What did they say? They were the perfect words. Like out of a movie. I need to remember what they said in the dream.

2. I gather all of the materials in the bathroom and sit down but then my mind.

3. Solicit input.

4. I take my journal out to the front porch and sit in the dappled light. I find the collection of short stories by Alice Munro in the car and take it back to the bench, use my sweater as a pillow and lay flat on back to read. I can hear voices but the words are indistinguishable.

5. Large vanilla milkshake with rainbow sprinkles.

6. I pull out everything again, and take a seat. Then change my mind. Again.

7. Head full of what-ifs and whys. What is it that I want? Are these reasonable expectations considering the circumstances? What is there to be afraid of?

8. Still not yet dinner time. A slow, slow day. Gratitudes.

9. We exit out the lower door and see a fox on the stone wall. It barks/screeches at us. Sounds more like a cat. We stare at it. It stares at us opening its small mouth to screech at us again. It is a young fox, and not afraid. We stare each other down.

10. What is the meaning of anything?

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-Seven

1. He asks me to close the window. It is just a little too cool.

2. I slice all 6 pounds of stone fruit and herbs, thumbs red with cherry juice.

3. Coffee.

4. I take in a little bit of sun while waiting for the right time to leave. I have him join me and sign his documents for football. He doesn’t think he wants to play. “Well, let’s just get everything in place.”

5. Always finding something new.

6. Back in the old neighborhood. It feels familiar and yet so different. There are things I miss: space and the fruit stands and the friendship.

7. Home just in time for the evening glow.

8. One movie finished. Braids out.

9. Effie Gray.

10. Different.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-Six

1. Still out of coffee.

2. I tell myself I’m going to take it easy and do more child’s pose in between. But I dig deep and find some energy.

3. Star pose as I watch the oak leaves dance in the wind.

4. Red Hawk perched atop the blade of fan, the morning light bakes it glow. The lush green of the vines below.

5. The car ride is quiet and easy. Quick transfer. Head back home. Rarely am I ever here on the weekend, watching tourists trying to order out of the pick-up window.

6. But what’s the next step.

7. Where’s The Twilight Zone?

8. Can’t fight the fatigue.

9. There are worse views.

10. I just need more time to daydream.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-Five

1. Feels like rain.

2. Out of coffee. Can I handle it? I’d rather move slowly this morning.

3. I throw my clogs and another sweater into the backseat for after the walk. There is a welcomed chill in the air.

4. An hour-long download of all the things while we drink our coffees and walk through town. “Something must be in the air,” I say.

5. Brain is shutting down.

6. I eat and eat until I can’t anymore. It is still cool in the shade. Passersby are familiar faces. I get one phone call and then another. It will not end. But we knew that. I knew that. It’s a slow burn.

7. Body shutting down.

8. I ask him if he minds waiting with me in town until the order is ready. He’s fine with it. We talk about school and sports and how his friends don’t like Kanye. “Old Kanye is the best Kanye,” I say. We talk about the documentary and how what I respect about him most is his dedication to his art. “Like Tom Brady. Don’t like the man, but respect his dedication to his craft.” He nods in agreement.

9. I eat two garlic rolls instead of pizza and get back to vacuuming.

10. A splash of Olivia Brion Taquine, in bed, reading On Vegetables by Jeremy Fox.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. Crows.

2. I welcome the slight chill in the air. A little bit of respite after the mini heatwave.

3. I run back out to grab coffee and treats for the team meeting. I like having our meetings here. It feels like a safer space for problem-solving.

4. Fear is behind the hesitation. How do we remove the fear? Who is willing to provide the support? I realize no one has soothed the worry by offering to help. Note to self.

5. A missed call. A text to call when I have a chance. It keeps buzzing. Something is up.

6. Really, all of this is an experiment.

7. Eighty-four messages.

8. I unlock the gym and turn on the lights. My water bottle is not here. Where could it be? I must have left it at a stadium, somewhere out of town where no one knows who I am.

9. Fifth Grade Parent Night in the middle school library. I sit at a table with a group of mothers from little league. She says something about dropping a diva cup and it looking like a murder scene in the bathroom. We burst out laughing. I don’t think I’ve laughed this hard in months.

10. Two of my favorite people in the valley. I tell them that I’m worried about remembering how to connect the hoses. They remind me that there are always punch downs. I can definitely still do punch downs. And clean a tank.

11. I tell him that I realize that the other gift in this whole coaching thing is just being another trustworthy adult in a child’s life.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-Three

1. Hot.

2. There is too much light coming through the slats. I somehow turned off the 4:45 alarm. It is almost 6.

3. The slam of the garbage truck emptying the cans. Forgot to dump the green waste.

4. Just getting it out of my head and onto paper is the process. There is no controlling how something is read. Everything is passing through a filter.

5. Contradictions.

6. Bubbles to celebrate. Fresh waffle chips with labneh and salmon roe. Crudites. Burger and fries. The rooms are nice and well-appointed. I’d prefer a rug here or there for added softness. But beautiful, nonetheless.

7. I try to skip over the Instagram stories and posts but there is no escaping it. And isn’t it wild how we are all supposed to go on with life and work as if nothing is happening, as if because it wasn’t our child or our town, then we should be able to proceed with life as though everything is normal? And then we wonder why we are so stressed and sick.

8. Where are the places we all go to process collective trauma?

9. Of course, I have taken all of the hats out of the car and today is the day I absolutely need a hat. He is standing behind two tall girls. Thank goodness he wore the red hat; at least I can find that.

10. I tell her that it’s so hard to believe that I am done with elementary school. I tell her how last week I realized that I had both a 5th and 8th grade promotion. How I find myself being the sentimental parent I never thought I would be.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. Bright golden light. The sound of the coffee percolating. Sweet bird song.

2. Tuesday. I shift plans so that I can be in attendance.

3. Selfishly, I’d love to have met them, but it is not right for the business.

4. I use their name and speak excitedly because I know they know about the show. They ignore me. It takes me a few more attempts to realize that a grown adult is giving me the silent treatment, all because I challenged a thought.

5. But it’s not that I challenged this one thought. It’s because I challenge them consistently. Always respectfully, but I challenge nonetheless. I remind myself that no one likes to hear no. I remind myself that this is more about them and not me. I remind myself that dynamics are challenging because of the complexity of human experience. I remind myself that I don’t have to erode my own boundaries for the comfort of others.

6. Productive.

7. Is this real? Another one? Another one? Where are we truly safe?

8. This man has no clue. He has a viewpoint but no clue. No empathy. These words are cloaked in racism and the fact that he’s been tutoring Hispanic youth is not evidence that he lacks bias. In fact, his questioning around equity shows that he has no concept of bias. But he truly believes he is right. I tell her that his ignorance does not make him a bad person, but his unwillingness to question his thinking is the problem.

9. At the end, a mother I do not know says she is happy to hear about the new policies being developed. Because her daughter is starting to feel like she doesn’t belong and that means she was considering leaving town. But knowing that the community is working on something like this makes her feel better. This one family, this one child - this is why we’ve been working so hard.

10. A loss under the hot evening sun.

11. Lady Saints win! 2-1 in the bottom of the 7th.

12. I tell him that the earlier events of the day irritated me, but that I realized that it doesn’t matter. In the grand scheme of things, my work doesn’t matter. What matters is the impact I have on the young ladies I coach. What matters is the impact I have on my community when I realize that the work I’m doing with other parents provides a sense of safety and belonging for another child. That matters. That’s all that matters.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-One

1. Warm.

2. A flash of sharp pain above the left eye.

3. It’s not a conversation I want to have, but it is necessary. The look on their face makes my heart hurt and yet I know I’m doing the right thing. But I’m still a little nauseous.

4. But will anyone use it?

5. She asks me if I’m still using the nightguard. I tell her no. I left that job and once I left that job I was able to actually open my mouth. “That’s great. But you’re still grinding and clenching so hard you’re loosening the ligaments that hold your teeth.” Great.

6. But at least we tried.

7. But did they forget?

8. Remember that most people are not trying to purposefully do harm.

9. Phone buzz. Fire on Pope Street. Two acres. Five acres. We leave to pick them up from the middle school. A grayish cloud of smoke rising from the hill. Three engines drive past us. It’s not that windy. I am not worried but I am reminded to get the go-bags ready.

10. I remind him that you get what you give.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy

1. I think we should be getting up soon.

2. I let myself move slowly. I am not yet finished braiding my hair before she arrives.

3. Everything is so tight. I blame playing 3-on-2 with the girls last week.

4. I suppose it could be interpreted as being argumentative. I think I am just trying to remind them to think holistically. It is as much what is being done as what isn’t.

5. I recognize some of them, but do not know them.

6. I tell him it’s the yoga playlist.

7. So this is it.

8. Gratitude.

9. There is no easy way to do this. But isn’t it better to be honest and cut your losses instead of staying in denial out of fear?

10. I could have stayed all day. Summer is coming. It’s right on the tip of the tongue.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. We really do need to get up.

2. I sit in the back seat with the youngest. The big kid always complains that his legs are too long to sit in the back. At six feet tall, he makes a good argument.

3. FM by Steely Dan. A wave of nostalgia washes over as I stare out at the vineyards and hazy blue sky. I can’t find my scarf so I use the sleeve of my sweater to dab at the tears.

4. This is the worst spinach and feta croissant I’ve ever had in my life, but I should have expected it.

5. Loss.

6. Azteca at the park, watching another baseball game. Kids we do and do not know. Parents we do and do not know. Cheering for the home team.

7. I think of how often she mentions how this town is classic Americana. And maybe it is, for a handful of us. Maybe the majority of us. It is what we felt during our visits here. Yes, it is wine country. Yes, we continue to be outpriced and discouraged by the multi-millionaires and billionaires who take up space here because, ultimately, it feeds their ego and their pockets and their desire to consume. But there are some like us who move here because we wanted something quieter and smaller. Because we saw an opportunity to feel like a part of a community. Because we wanted to spend our Saturdays sitting in the park eating chips and salsa and cheering on the home team.

8. Red Thread Wines. A perfect pocket of quiet on Howell Mountain. Heritage Eats Food Truck. A glass of sauvignon blanc. Familiar faces. She says something about how hard it is to make friends when you are an introvert, but that a lot of it is putting yourself out there, especially in a small town like this where everyone knows everybody.

9. Maybe it’s time to bring back soup night?

10. Final score: 2-0. Their first-ever playoff win.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. Rooftop friends are very busy this morning.

2. The cool morning air, the chatter of the birds, the sound of the wind blowing through the trees.

3. But this sound is equal parts soothing ad anxiety-inducing.

4. The line is too long so I walk across the parking lot and get bag of beans from the market instead.

5. I am sighing a lot.

6. It's not just that, but everything. All of it stacked stacked together. No breathing room.

7. More importantly, what do I need?

8. Too much coffee.

9. Wine and Warriors.

10. I leave first but it is already way past my bedtime.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. No power.

2. The mind goes to the worst-case scenario. I open the front door to see if I can hear the neighbor’s generator. I think it’s the right sound. I check the PG&E website. It is just us on the hillside, Angwin, Pope Valley. I mark the day: Thursday, May 19th.

3. I get back in bed and wait impatiently for just a little more daylight.

4. Donuts for breakfast because I don’t want them opening the refrigerator.

5. For a brief moment, I feel frustrated and alone but then I remember that I can trust myself. Just think it through and make the best decision. Will anyone die? Probably not.

6. I tell him that I think it’s unfair to blame the parents who work all day and are too tired to voice their concerns or give their time. That is when it is the responsibility of the ones who can to step up and do the work of supporting the ones who can’t. That’s community. You don’t get to ignore issues because they don’t personally affect you - because, by the way, they eventually do.

7. I try to print my notes, but I am out of paper.

8. I am speaking so fast. Why am I so nervous? I can barely catch my breath. It’s the culmination of everything that has happened today.

9. Four hours later, we walk out. I think to myself about how this is all about stamina.

10. This is the nature of things: the heart of the goal is always the same, but the process of achieving that goal can be different. And it’s those differences in thinking that create the tension that is required to generate a better solution. But it’s not easy to sit through.

11. I tell him that I am exhausted. That it started with waking up with no power. Then taking the kids to school. Then going to the morning meeting; followed by the team meeting; followed by managing the reporter and cameraman; followed by the local newspaper reporter; followed by the communications meeting; followed by rushing to write out my comments for the school board meeting; followed by sitting in the school board meeting for so long because I felt it was important to be there until the new superintendent was confirmed. And I mean, when you’ve already sat through 25 agenda items, why not stay for the last three? “Have you eaten?” “No.”

12. I bring the last corner of the lasagna and a small class of chianti up to bed, and think about tomorrow’s to-do list.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. You can already feel the impending warmth, even this early in the morning.

2. Everyone looks so nice this morning. Almost fancy. Almost better than usual for work.

3. I listen and take notes. How do I use this information for myself, for understanding my relationships here? I wish we had taken the test for more context.

4. We give one another a hug before I depart. I wish I could stay and listen and learn. It's been a full morning of thinking and processing. In another life I would have been an academic.

5. So hot.

6. Emails before open gym.

7. Still a no-show. I have given up on this.

8. They try to rally but the girls’ last game ends in a loss. You can feel the weight disappointment.

9. We catch the last few innings of the high school play-off game. The hard thwack of the baseball. Watching it soar over the fence. The joyful eruption from the visiting team. Another loss.

10. I accept the ending of things.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. Not ready.

2. Funny how you can leave at the same time every day and arrive at your destination at different times.

3. I spring for the cinnamon roll and a cup of coffee.

4. We are indeed all on the same page and that is reassuring.

5. Are we asking the right question?

6. I have to leave the room for this call because there are too many people but I don’t want to go down to the office and be even more late, so I sit in the car. But I feel guilty for idling so I turn the car off. But it’s hot. But the wood chipper is so loud so I keep the windows up. I am sweating. I have created, on purpose but by accident, a hotbox.

7. Working lunch in the park.

8. Business cards.

9. The Converse make me happy.

10. Couldn’t really ask for better weather or a better view for a softball game. The two of us try to eat the melty ice cream cones as quickly as we can.

11. So much pain.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. Hitting the snooze too many times.

2. Instant Ramen for breakfast.

3. The golden glow of the morning light. I close my eyes and feel the warmth wash over my skin.

4. Day 4.

5. Hot tea just really isn’t the same.

6. Breath is always feeling so shallow the days. I am shocked at how often I seem to be holding my breath.

7. “The psyches and souls of women also have their own cycles and seasons of doing and solitude, running and staying, being involved and being removed, questing and resting, creating and incubating, being of the world and returning to the soul-place.” - Women Who Run With the Wolves

8. It is just me. I remind myself that building this culture will take time.

9. I can feel myself, my whole physical self, tensing up as she nears. This reaction bothers me. But I understand that this reaction is a response to the pent-up frustration of things that are and are not related to our interactions. I just try to breathe.

10. What is most important?