Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. We really do need to get up.

2. I sit in the back seat with the youngest. The big kid always complains that his legs are too long to sit in the back. At six feet tall, he makes a good argument.

3. FM by Steely Dan. A wave of nostalgia washes over as I stare out at the vineyards and hazy blue sky. I can’t find my scarf so I use the sleeve of my sweater to dab at the tears.

4. This is the worst spinach and feta croissant I’ve ever had in my life, but I should have expected it.

5. Loss.

6. Azteca at the park, watching another baseball game. Kids we do and do not know. Parents we do and do not know. Cheering for the home team.

7. I think of how often she mentions how this town is classic Americana. And maybe it is, for a handful of us. Maybe the majority of us. It is what we felt during our visits here. Yes, it is wine country. Yes, we continue to be outpriced and discouraged by the multi-millionaires and billionaires who take up space here because, ultimately, it feeds their ego and their pockets and their desire to consume. But there are some like us who move here because we wanted something quieter and smaller. Because we saw an opportunity to feel like a part of a community. Because we wanted to spend our Saturdays sitting in the park eating chips and salsa and cheering on the home team.

8. Red Thread Wines. A perfect pocket of quiet on Howell Mountain. Heritage Eats Food Truck. A glass of sauvignon blanc. Familiar faces. She says something about how hard it is to make friends when you are an introvert, but that a lot of it is putting yourself out there, especially in a small town like this where everyone knows everybody.

9. Maybe it’s time to bring back soup night?

10. Final score: 2-0. Their first-ever playoff win.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. Rooftop friends are very busy this morning.

2. The cool morning air, the chatter of the birds, the sound of the wind blowing through the trees.

3. But this sound is equal parts soothing ad anxiety-inducing.

4. The line is too long so I walk across the parking lot and get bag of beans from the market instead.

5. I am sighing a lot.

6. It's not just that, but everything. All of it stacked stacked together. No breathing room.

7. More importantly, what do I need?

8. Too much coffee.

9. Wine and Warriors.

10. I leave first but it is already way past my bedtime.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. No power.

2. The mind goes to the worst-case scenario. I open the front door to see if I can hear the neighbor’s generator. I think it’s the right sound. I check the PG&E website. It is just us on the hillside, Angwin, Pope Valley. I mark the day: Thursday, May 19th.

3. I get back in bed and wait impatiently for just a little more daylight.

4. Donuts for breakfast because I don’t want them opening the refrigerator.

5. For a brief moment, I feel frustrated and alone but then I remember that I can trust myself. Just think it through and make the best decision. Will anyone die? Probably not.

6. I tell him that I think it’s unfair to blame the parents who work all day and are too tired to voice their concerns or give their time. That is when it is the responsibility of the ones who can to step up and do the work of supporting the ones who can’t. That’s community. You don’t get to ignore issues because they don’t personally affect you - because, by the way, they eventually do.

7. I try to print my notes, but I am out of paper.

8. I am speaking so fast. Why am I so nervous? I can barely catch my breath. It’s the culmination of everything that has happened today.

9. Four hours later, we walk out. I think to myself about how this is all about stamina.

10. This is the nature of things: the heart of the goal is always the same, but the process of achieving that goal can be different. And it’s those differences in thinking that create the tension that is required to generate a better solution. But it’s not easy to sit through.

11. I tell him that I am exhausted. That it started with waking up with no power. Then taking the kids to school. Then going to the morning meeting; followed by the team meeting; followed by managing the reporter and cameraman; followed by the local newspaper reporter; followed by the communications meeting; followed by rushing to write out my comments for the school board meeting; followed by sitting in the school board meeting for so long because I felt it was important to be there until the new superintendent was confirmed. And I mean, when you’ve already sat through 25 agenda items, why not stay for the last three? “Have you eaten?” “No.”

12. I bring the last corner of the lasagna and a small class of chianti up to bed, and think about tomorrow’s to-do list.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. You can already feel the impending warmth, even this early in the morning.

2. Everyone looks so nice this morning. Almost fancy. Almost better than usual for work.

3. I listen and take notes. How do I use this information for myself, for understanding my relationships here? I wish we had taken the test for more context.

4. We give one another a hug before I depart. I wish I could stay and listen and learn. It's been a full morning of thinking and processing. In another life I would have been an academic.

5. So hot.

6. Emails before open gym.

7. Still a no-show. I have given up on this.

8. They try to rally but the girls’ last game ends in a loss. You can feel the weight disappointment.

9. We catch the last few innings of the high school play-off game. The hard thwack of the baseball. Watching it soar over the fence. The joyful eruption from the visiting team. Another loss.

10. I accept the ending of things.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. Not ready.

2. Funny how you can leave at the same time every day and arrive at your destination at different times.

3. I spring for the cinnamon roll and a cup of coffee.

4. We are indeed all on the same page and that is reassuring.

5. Are we asking the right question?

6. I have to leave the room for this call because there are too many people but I don’t want to go down to the office and be even more late, so I sit in the car. But I feel guilty for idling so I turn the car off. But it’s hot. But the wood chipper is so loud so I keep the windows up. I am sweating. I have created, on purpose but by accident, a hotbox.

7. Working lunch in the park.

8. Business cards.

9. The Converse make me happy.

10. Couldn’t really ask for better weather or a better view for a softball game. The two of us try to eat the melty ice cream cones as quickly as we can.

11. So much pain.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. Hitting the snooze too many times.

2. Instant Ramen for breakfast.

3. The golden glow of the morning light. I close my eyes and feel the warmth wash over my skin.

4. Day 4.

5. Hot tea just really isn’t the same.

6. Breath is always feeling so shallow the days. I am shocked at how often I seem to be holding my breath.

7. “The psyches and souls of women also have their own cycles and seasons of doing and solitude, running and staying, being involved and being removed, questing and resting, creating and incubating, being of the world and returning to the soul-place.” - Women Who Run With the Wolves

8. It is just me. I remind myself that building this culture will take time.

9. I can feel myself, my whole physical self, tensing up as she nears. This reaction bothers me. But I understand that this reaction is a response to the pent-up frustration of things that are and are not related to our interactions. I just try to breathe.

10. What is most important?

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. In the dream, I have a sore throat and I can’t figure out why.

2. I don’t get the milk or the orange juice and worry that I will immediately regret it when I get back home.

3. No milk. No orange juice.

4. Masala chai and lots of conversation.

5. I step over the blue bag containing the paper that I never seem to read.

6. Down the mountain, up the mountain. Down the mountain, up the mountain. Down the mountain, up the mountain.

7. A little bit of much-needed laughter.

8. There is a benefit to being able to just get the work done.

9. She reminds me of the message of The Nap Ministry.

10. A win.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. Almost time.

2. It’s always in downward dog that I see all of the crumbs I missed.

3. Already hot.

4. The return of the heat is always a shock. But in a few more weeks I will be laying out on the front deck, face toward the sun.

5. I get there just in time to catch the bottom of the 8th inning. The youngest is up to bat. He swings on the first pitch and it dribbles down the third baseline and stays fair. He makes it to first base. He’s the scoring run. He just really needed that.

6. This view.

7. I tell her that earlier this morning I was thinking about where we would need to go next. But I decided I really, really like it here. There is nowhere else to go.

8. Still no groceries. Tra Vigne it is.

9. One day down.

10. But really, can I give up bread and cheese?

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-One

1. Finally Friday.

2. Big swaths of sunlight fill the living room. I stick the headphones in my ears and finish the edits.

3. The hours are going by too quickly.

4. Laughter and good food and too much bread and good wine.

5. By the time I finish, I realize that I was talking too fast. But she really liked it and that I could see on her face. Everyone is always surprised by this one.

6. Glad this isn’t an everyday thing for me.

7. He keeps pushing for ice cream or a milkshake. I admire his persistence even though it is incredibly frustrating.

8. Hot.

9. Lasagna and Chianti and garlic bread. The way the light continues to linger long after dinner is done.

10. I wish I had more time.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty

1. Slow to rise.

2. Bagel run in skirt and sneakers. As I check out we talk about looking forward to summer. Her youngest graduates from high school this year. She can’t wait to relax.

3. I left the gluten-free donut in the car.

4. As I prepare to leave, he asks me when was the last time I saw my primary care physician. He says my blood pressure is a little high. I look down at the paper. The numbers mean nothing to me. But I blame it on coffee and anxiety.

5. It actually feels good to work in this space today. At least there is a little bit of energy here.

6. Too fast.

7. It’s always this 3 o’clock call where I am the most self-conscious about the need to do motherly things while also working.

8. “I thought all cats land on their feet?”

9. There’s always at least one. And it will be one by one that things here change. I can deal with that.

10. A loss, but not a bad one considering.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. Another frost fan morning.

2. A thin layer of fog slowly rising up from the little valley floor below. The sun will be bright today.

3. Someone really needs to go to the grocery store.

4. The sky is blue and bright and looks like it always does after it rains: clear and open, cloudless.

5. Quick meetings are the best meetings.

6. Overthinking this?

7. I tell her that parties aren’t my thing. Small intimate dinners. Six to eight people. “And we’re sitting down.” I realize that I don’t sound like much fun.

8. He says something about the pictures. I tell him its a numbers game for me - shoot as much as you can and cross your fingers that something turns out.

9. How much is too much? Is the request unreasonable? Am I doing what I can to support?

10. Down 0-3 in the top of the 7th. Three runs score in the bottom. Extra innings. No runs by the opposing team in the top of the 8th. Two runners on base. Base hit to bring the fourth run home. Saints win. Crowd wild.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Fifty-Eight

1. The hum of the frost machine.

2. A little later than I’d like, but still on time.

3. Sometimes the internet is good for a laugh.

4. I listen and process and wonder if I am the only one thinking about these things.

5. There is an intentionality behind the ask.

6. But what is the goal?

7. The sun is so bright that the light reflecting off of the paper is blinding. Then darkness. Then rain.

8. The thunder is so loud it makes me jump. I throw everything into the backseat of the car just in case nothing is canceled.

9. The back windshield is covered in large chunks of ice. The street is white. “It’s almost like Chicago,” I say as he enters the car. He asks me if I heard the thunder. “When was the last time you heard thunder? Years, right? Years!”

10. Still so much laundry.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Fifty-Seven

1. Up before the alarm. Feels like a punishment.

2. Should I leave and get milk? I scour the pantry for what I can cobble together to make a breakfast. Only eggs, no bacon. Three pieces of toast, but two are the ends and no one will eat those. Six packets of instant oatmeal - sugar and spice - the kind no one likes.

3. He wakes up and asks me to go to the store.

4. Big red-tailed hawk flies up and sits on the line as I cross the bridge. I take it as a sign.

5. Insight. Power. Truth. Vision.

6. Cold, but doable. Maybe ate too much?

7. Over and over again.

8. What is my responsibility in this?

9. 2019 Olivia Brion Tempranillo. Burgers with gouda and candied bacon.

10. I should have just let them have the milkshake.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Fifty-Six

1. Do I want to get out of bed? No. Yes.

2. His friend comes over to the table to chat. “You might want to take that ear pod out and socialize,” he says to the oldest before walking away.

3. First time I didn’t finish a Belgian waffle.

4. She brings me a card and chocolates, too.

5. Three cards: Black Panter, Prairie Dog (contrary), Bear. Embrace the unknown. Retreat. Introspection.

6. It’s raining?

7. I sit down in the spa reception and it starts to fill with women. Oh yeah, it’s Mother’s Day. The aesthetician asks me if this was my gift. I laugh. “I actually booked this not even realizing it was Mother’s Day. It was just the first appointment that worked for my schedule.”

8. Insights.

9. Sometimes, when you don’t know what to do, you go back to the old things you know.

10. They will not let go of the milshake.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Fifty-Five

1. Another no alarm kind of morning.

2. Bine broth to start.

3. Finding delight in little things like remembering how to clear the pitch count on the scoreboard.

4. Only 1pm and there is still so much more left to do in the day.

5. These games are hard to watch but good for them to experience.

6. Most of my life right now is logistics. Where does everyone need to be and how do I get them there - on time?

7. The people who do not give of their time must realize that they are in jeopardy of losing the things they claim to value as want for the community.

8. Large crowds in small spaces are hard. I am not a party person.

9. But this fits.

10. A long, long day.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Fifty-Four

1. Water first.

2. The sky is still a little gray and everything feels damp. It smells like rain.

3. One has a dance, the other practice, the other just wants to play with friends.

4. A long list of small things.

5. Schubert Swan Song D.957

6. Historiette No. 5

7. If this is true, then that is amazing - for everyone.

8. Pretty certain I can’t talk anyone into a sabbatical so I can work another harvest.

9. Fried olives and pistachios. Lavender Fields Forever.

10. The tables are filled with children still a little giddy from the dance. One table of moms half-watching, half-listening, but mostly eating and drinking wine and telling stories.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. Snooze.

2. The birds are loud this morning. So much to say.

3. I forgot they would be in here. So much for getting that done before the call.

4. Three things. Only three things.

5. So everyone seems to be struggling in their own way, feeling like they’re failures when the reality is that they are not yet supported in the ways they need to be in order to succeed.

6. Better to ask forgiveness than permission?

7. I know that sound. I walk over to the window and see a little finch on the deck, its head is ticking like a stuck sprinkler head.

8. Where is the sun?

9. She is awfully loud. Maybe this is her only child and that is why she is so excited. No. No. She’s just loud. Very loud. The woman in front of me turns around and says, “Who is her child? Surely he must be embarrassed?”

10. I watch her walk into the bathroom with the glass of wine in her hand. Oh, no. I follow her in and hope to see the glass on the bathroom counter. It is not. Oh, no. I exit the stall and she is walking out with the wine in her hand. And we wonder why there is Covid.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. Just gonna have to roll the dice on this today.

2. Out of the door on time.

3. She asks me if I want one more cup. I do, but I shouldn't.

4. It’s been too long since I’ve sat here. I had forgotten about all of the light and the view of the hillside and the quiet.

5. Peanut butter and jelly at the park. The perfect temperature in the shade. I finish typing and close the computer. I should break the habit of eating while working.

6. Sun.

7. Sometimes I am doing something very normal and then I will remember.

8. 5%?

9. A new face.

10. Drink more water.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Fifty-One

1. Are they extra loud today?

2. I hear his heavy feet make their way to the stairs. So much better when I don’t actually have to wake them up.

3. The warm glow of the rising sun.

4. Feeling behind today.

5. It’s better when there’s good news.

6. Gratitudes.

7. Should have skipped the shake.

8. “Yes and no,” I say. “Sorry for being cryptic.”

9. What ar the problems that need to be solved.

10. Now all of them know. She is the least happy to hear the news.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Fifty

1. In the dream, the father doesn’t want to see the baby. And my grandfather is alive. And nothing is making sense to me.

2. I can hear the wind blowing through the trees. It’s almost like the roar of rushing water.

3. Back to the grind. I hope I can make it through the day.

4. I can tell they don’t like my answer, but the answer is an honest one and the right one and as long as I am confident about that, I am fine.

5. Finally, a fob. Now for a keychain.

6. But really, the weather couldn’t be more perfect.

7. “This golf cart thing is kind of fun.”

8. A hard decision but the most right one. A little bit more ease.

9. I tell him that this place is just so peaceful and I need to be in a place that still offers that sense of peace.

10. “I’m also glad that we got to give this single mom a night away from kids and a massage in a beautiful place. I’m glad she gets to experience this.”