Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. In the dream, the baby is dying.

2. Should not have had all of that dairy in one day.

3. Whatever is clean and comfortable.

4. Never not working.

5. I take the New York Times and my lunch and sit out in the sun. It is bright. I can hear voices in the distance; I do not recognize them. In a little corner under an eave is a nest full of freshly hatched Scrub Jays squawking at their mother.

6. Sweating in the sun.

7. I tag along just to get out of the house. The weather is too perfect to sit inside all day.

8. A little bit of work that might yield positive results.

9. Hopefully, we haven’t caught ourselves in a pickle.

10. We are only human.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Eight

1. Warm glow of morning light.

2. Yoga today. Finally.

3. Watching the trees sway in the wind.

4. The drive is quiet and so much shorter than I realized it would be.

5. I keep moving my chair into the sun, chasing the light and the warmth. A grounder down the third baseline and a pop-out into right field. On the app, we see he’s finally swinging the bat. I guess sometimes he does listen.

6. More laundry.

7. Trying to make a plan.

8. 1999 Taken From Granite Cabernet Sauvignon “Soleil”. Good conversation. Laughter. Old R&B playing in the background.

9. Crudites, bread, little gems, beef tartare, bbq chicken with black garlic bbq sauce, soft serve with walnut oil.

10. Tired. So very tired.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Seven

1. Sometimes the extra hour makes a big difference.

2. I think of the words she sent me but I still don’t know where to begin. Maybe I need more time.

3. Change in plans.

4. There is potential here.

5. I had forgotten how much I used to enjoy this.

6. Still can’t stop thinking about it.

7. I glance up at the shelf above my desk and am proud of myself for not turning on the work phone.

8. Instability.

9. What do I need to do differently?

10. Tired.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Seven

1. Bird song.

2. Coffee before everything.

3. Happiness tonic and emails while the sun rises.

4. The way the sunlight makes the whole house glow.

5. Late.

6. I tell her I feel like I’m in some kind of limbo. Like I can see something else for me in the distance but I don’t know how to get there. And I am happy to not be where I was. It is some kind of strange purgatory.

7. A clean home.

8. She tells me to list my fears.

9. Paloma and chips and salsa before the game begins.

10. The color of the light as the sun sets. The crescendo of the breeze as it blows through the trees.

11. What next?

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Six

1. Cool morning air slipping through the slats.

2. How much longer can I lay still? Not very.

3. A pattern.

4. But what is the process?

5. I could choose to keep pointing out the problems but life will be easier if I choose the path of least resistance.

6. I know what my priorities are.

7. Stress eating.

8. I already know the answer.

9. Perhaps it is not anger so much as disappointment. Perhaps it is needing the mental space to problem solve. Perhaps there are too many assumptions and not enough questions.

10. Everyone can’t be right.

11. I almost don’t want to write this. But I know I need to. It is time.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Five

1. A break from nightmares.

2. I drink the last of the orange juice and chase it with a glass of water. No one is awake yet. Just me and the birds, always so loud before the first light.

3. Need more coffee.

4. He says it’s because I ask so graciously.

5. The light reflecting off of the paper is almost blinding.

6. Topo Chico and chips and salsa and birria and aguachile and pulpo.

7. This is not who I am.

8. I finish up emails while we wait for the game to start. It feels good in the sun. There is a slight breeze and chatter from people gathering in the stands.

9. That was not who I am.

10. The only thing to do is just keep my head down.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Four

1. In the dream, we are now trapped in the car. There is water all around us, milky and rising. There is nowhere to go. I am panicking, we cannot find our cars, we are all crying.

2. I wake myself up, still awash with a sense of dread.

3. Finally, coffee.

4. I turn around and look at her. Tank top. No sweater. It’s 41 degrees. Can you even wear straps that thin? “Find something now,” I say, knowing full well the sweater will be off once she gets to school.

5. We are ready to conquer the morning. Only 25% of the shoot left to complete.

6. I bring him the Wall Street Journal. Tell him that it usually goes in the recycling bin because I never make time to sit and read it. I'm glad to pass it on to him so he can enjoy such a momentous occasion.

7. I forgot to give him the covid test. When can I come? I have no idea. I don't know when I can escape, I tell the nurse. I put down the phone and stare out at the tops of the trees. It just is what it is.

8. Sweating as we remove the covers. Birds nests falling out of the umbrellas. This is process we will continue to refine.

9. We talk about what we think we’d like to be doing in 10 years. “I really don't know, Yoshi. I’m just trying to get to the point where I can live in my little cabin on the coast and farm a little bit and maybe become a potter.” “That is the goal, isn't it?” he confirms.

10. More forgetting.

11. “Your instincts were right.”

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Three

1. Birdsong.

2. He says he will miss this place, but I know the next place offers its own kind of sanctuary.

3. What am I missing? How can I give it to myself? What expectations need to shift?

4. Bacon and waffles and orange juice.

5. How are they already awake?

6. There is never as much time as you think.

7. If I am not going to be at home, at least I am somewhere beautiful and quiet.

8. We talk to each other, artist to artist. Think about framing, struggle with the fringe on the blanket, wait patiently for the cheese plate, chase the sun.

9. I do seem to get mired down in the details of things. Maybe I would be happier if I didn’t.

10. Long, long, day.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Two

1. No alarm, but still up before the first light.

2. Model Bakery for coffee and a ham and cheese croissant. This one is a day old.

3. “The real questions are, what do you treasure? and how much do you treasure it?”

4. Writing emails to the thuds of the basketballs hitting the floor.

5. Sunny Saturday and softball. Green ridges and blue sky.

6. Milkshakes in the afternoon. Vanilla with rainbow sprinkles for me. Cookies and cream for the boys.

7. I should stay and do the laundry but pool time sounds like a better way to spend a Saturday.

8. Maybe I am more stubborn than I think I am.

9. Reframing.

10. Where can we simplify?

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-One

1. Forgot to give him his Covid test.

2. The line is particularly long this morning and then I remember that it's spring and Friday and that equals tourists.

3. She doesn't have an agenda for today and she is short with her words. Last night exhausted her.

4. Bright, bright light.

5. I think I am remembering everything. What would Danielle do?

6. I will figure it out.

7. Sick. No. Not sick. Just stressed.

8. Everyone isn’t capable of doing it, otherwise it would have been done.

9. I listen to their conversation, their laughter. Their happiness makes me happy.

10. So tired.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty

1. Out of coffee. I dig out the Nespresso, fill it with fresh water, and then walk away.

2. Frantically trying to move all of the clothes off of the floor and stuffing the laundry room.

3. I rub his shoulder to wake him up. The first thing he says to me is, “Can we talk more about the house tonight? Just talk about some plans?”

4. I see the text as I walk back into the house. Throw-up. Need stomach medicine.

5. I start to talk but I can’t.

6. Who said it was supposed to rain?

7. It’s just been a very long week. A very long week.

8. Still sound like a frog.

9. I never did make that Nespresso. Is that why I feel like crying? The lack of caffeine?

10. We sit and listen and wait. We text each other in between. We make side-eye glances and roll our eyes. Others speak. I feel the energy shift within my body. We are supported. They are all on our side.

11. “10 years from now, 20 years from now, 30 years from now, [the children] who experience racism will remember it for the rest of their lives. The perpetrators will not.”

12. Change is slow but it is in motion. That was worth sitting for 2.5 hours on a Thursday night.

13. I tell him that I’m so tired that I could cry.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Nine

1. So many clothes on the bathroom floor.

2. The need for a little drama.

3. Sometimes people just need an ear and to feel heard and maybe…what if that was all I did?

4. What a gift to work in such a beautiful place.

5. I think of the phrase he shares all the time: Never forget what you had to do to get here.

6. I tell her that I’m just feeling a little lost this week.

7. Chop salad. Risotto with Alaskan Halibut. Pinot Grigio, something Italian that I can’t remember. Apple Crisp and espresso.

8. The first thing they do is check out the appliances. I laugh to myself. They note the amount of storage on the door of the refrigerator.

9. “Well, he didn’t run out of the house. And I take that as a good sign.”

10. So much work that still needs to be done.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Eight

1. Strange dreams.

2. Grinding beans, pondering the meaning of life, feeling gratitude for the little bit of wisdom I’ve acquired in this life, wanting to go back to sleep.

3. Shift in plans.

4. Was this the day we were supposed to be in person?

5. There are benefits to physically sharing space and yet, I am so much more productive when alone.

6. No pressure.

7. They both forgot their cleats.

8. They joking refer to their sports not being a sport. Nine men and four women. I wonder if it is some kind of inside joke. It’s still not funny.

9. The game is now at home. There goes making dinner. I run home and change clothes, grab the big coat, get sandwiches and chips from Sunshine.

10. He runs home on a hit. The ball gets to the infield and is in the catcher’s mitt. The catcher reaches out his arm to tag him. He jukes the catcher and taps his foot on the base. I wish I had recorded that one.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Seven

1. Cold, cold, cold.

2. Grateful for a slower start to the morning.

3. Too much coffee?

4. The changing color of the light as the morning hours pass.

5. I remind myself that the only person I can control is myself. Others’ emergencies do not belong to me. I can choose to move slowly, deliberately, without apology. I can set boundaries.

6. More potatoes for lunch.

7. Going with the flow.

8. The gift of more time.

9. I show him the email. He reads it the same way I do. “I knew this was going to happen. But you see, it’s so hard for a man to have a woman tell him what to do.”

10. Manage expectations.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Six

1. Not quite time.

2. The crackling of the fire.

3. If I could just keep my shoulders down and away from my ears.

4. But really, next year, I am going to have someone else do this.

5. “I just like the feeling of Christmas.”

6. I watch her stare out of the window as we head down the highway. I talk about the differences in the mountain ranges that line the valley. I am grateful for how much I still love to stare at the nature around us.

7. Potatoes, prime rib, asparagus.

8. Just want to sleep.

9. Staring out over the vineyard as the sun sets.

10. Really, we are so lucky.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Five

1. He actually set his alarm.

2. We let him get a coffee. He thinks he needs it. He probably does. I remind myself that I was drinking coffee way before 14 and I am just fine.

3. I forgot about Easter.

4. It’s going just like I thought it would.

5. In many ways I don’t feel as new as I should feel. This is a good thing.

6. No rest for the weary.

7. The day dreams are not going away.

8. 0 for 4 today.

9. I hope they still appreciate it.

10. Can’t have the Sunday scaries on Saturday.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Four

1. Car accidents and lizards.

2. I hear his door open and know that he’s down here to go on a bagel run. I offer Model Bakery instead. He sticks with the bagels.

3. “Are you sure you don’t want Model? Last chance.” Safeway bagels it is.

4. He tells me he had a nightmare. In his nightmare, he was leaving a water park and there were lots of tremors. “I should probably not watch movies about natural disasters.”

5. I tell him about my nightmare: “I kept being attacked by medium-sized lizards. Medium-sized. Not big ones.”

6. Sun.

7. I tell her that our conversations are real. Not depressing, but real.

8. Of course.

9. So, so cold.

10. Probably needed another pizza.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Four

1. Is that rain I hear?

2. The water is a little yellow and a little smelly and maybe the water was like this before, but it' definitely has been worse since the fire.

3. Coffee in the tiny cup so I can have a little bit more.

4. Last day of school for the week.

5. Those are reassuring words - even if I still feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.

6. I pull over and take a picture of the flowers on the vine. It is still raining. It is quiet. It is the kind of weather that makes you want to lay down in some dark place with your eyes closed, tucked under a warm blanket.

7. I tell him that I did a lot of adulting today. I did not produce much, but I had important conversations.

8. But how do we work to set each other up for success?

9. Still daydreaming.

10. Nothing is wasted.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Three

1. But don’t really want to get up.

2. Cold toes.

3. I should probably not be cleaning but I can’t help it.

4. Early release day, but maybe they shouldn't be home early.

5. Should I be eating right now?

6. This is what happens when you move too quickly. Slow it down.

7. I place my hand on my heart and say “thank you” so many times. She has no idea how much this has made my week.

8. He says it’s cheaper than therapy, so why not?

9. But I just settled into the idea of this being it, the only place, that we were not going anywhere. And so it’s hard for me to shift gears so quickly. I try to imagine it. I can’t.

10. I wonder if it’s somehow my own fault.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Two

1. Frost machine.

2. The slow drip of morning light.

3. His legs are covered in goosebumps.

4. I take the long way back home.

5. Uninspired.

6. Gratitude for a lunch made from leftovers.

7. I made it to the game.

8. “An out-of-control control burn,” she says. “On Howell Mountain Road,” she says.

9. I take my meal home. But first, I shower.

10. I tell him that I am really peopled out. I just needed to wash away the day.