Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Eleven

1. A little warm.

2. Uh-oh. Out of milk. More of a problem for them than it is for me.

3. Rotting onions.

4. I step outside to take them to school and feel a warm breeze against my cheek. Too warm for 8 in the morning in March.

5. Oh boy.

6. When you feel like you’re making the right kind of progress.

7. Happiness tonic.

8. Wow. It’s really hot. It’s too hot. I am sweating. Thank goodness the car goes in tomorrow. I thought we could make it a few more months.

9. The heat is making me cranky.

10. We stand outside watch the scrub jay fly up to its nest.

Ten. One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Ten

1. Wasn’t it just yesterday?

2. I can’t shake the chill. MUD\WTR with oat milk instead of coffee.

3. Morning light peeking through the trees. I’m still the only one awake.

4. She told me that I know what I need to do in order to manifest the next thing. I tell her that I’m trying to relax about it; I have to move away from the feeling of desperation.

5. I order the juices. I don’t know why I waited.

6. We run through the day. Only one has practice. The other two come home before I leave again for the subcommittee meeting. Leftover lasagna for dinner. Easy.

7. It should be so simple, but it isn’t. Why isn’t it?

8. Still, there is progress.

9. There are still more of us than I thought there would be. And there are new faces on the screen. And that means that this is still moving forward.

10. What is done is done.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Nine

1. Way more rested.

2. Today is the day the car gets washed.

3. The hashbrown pattie is greasy. Very crunchy and greasy. The coffee is thin and hot.

4. I find a spot in the sun and close my eyes.

5. A real lunch.

6. All the meatloaves are gone.

7. I really want to buy this box of peanut butter cap’n crunch.

8. I stick the lasagna in the oven and run back upstairs to get her to practice so that she isn’t late.

9. I forget how hot it gets in the sun.

10. Broken record.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Eight

1. Still dark.

2. I hear a light tapping on the door. Oh, no. Got the time wrong. She sends us back to bed.

3. Gilwood’s for the first time. Strawberry waffle with whipped cream and strawberries, orange juice, coffee.

4. Back to bed.

5. Where is the rain? They said there would be rain.

6. Sometimes he comes up to me and talks to me and I can’t believe what I’m looking at.

7. Sometimes writing thirty words is harder than writing three hundred.

8. Oh boy, it’s going to be quite cold.

9. I do love that he’s up for an adventure. We find a parking spot and then get sandwiches before buying milkshakes and pie. I’m letting him eat dessert first.

10. Could have gone differently.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seven

1. I keep pressing my fingers on the keys, watching the letters appear on the screen as the minutes creep by.

2. I start to fall while walking to the bathroom and stick out my arm to catch myself. I need to sleep.

3. I go back upstairs at my normal wake-up time and get dressed before sitting back down again.

4. He tells me I need to sleep.

5. They text me to say that everything went well and that the journalists were so happy and checkout was smooth. I can relax a little bit now before the next one.

6. I realize that I sound irritated I’m just tired and still maybe sick and my patience is thin.

7. I sit out in the sun and work. The sound of chainsaws and falling trees keeping me awake.

8. I tell them Tra Vigne for dinner - again. No one is upset about it.

9. 2019 Pax Syrah - Armagh.

10. Dead.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Six

1. Is it really going to get done today?

2. There is only one sock. Where is the other sock?

3. I am late for the meeting because I was in another meeting and I can’t help but laugh.

4. I tell that I’m glad it sounds like I know what I’m talking about because I’m not entirely sure. I tell her that the trick is to just speak with conviction as men do. They don’t ever worry if they are not right.

5. She lets me vent. And I am grateful for that.

6. I get myself a kids pb and j and sit outside at the park in the sun.

7. Another Zoom from the car, balancing one phone in a cupholder and trying to get directions to the softball field with the other phone.

8. I forgot about the air conditioning.

9. I tell her that I just don’t feel like myself. How I haven’t made the bed in weeks. How the hallways are lined with piles of clothes. She tells me that I am the fourth woman who’s said something like this and she is also feeling like this and we decide that it’s no coincidence.

10. I settle in for the long night.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Five

1. So cold

2. No pants. Oh boy.

3. I open up the computer and try to find the words. I am scared that they will never come.

4. The undercurrent of anxiety.

5. I will be glad when I don’t have to cross this bridge ten times a day.

6. I walk out of the bathroom and say to her, “you know those kinds of mornings where you can’t remember if you’ve put on deodorant? It’s that kind of start to the day.”

7. I look out over the tennis courts glowing from the light slipping through the trees.

8. I really need to write.

9. She calls to tell me that she’s done. I tell her that I am too. Can we cut bait and just get straight to it?

10. My feet are freezing. I had forgotten this about the early part of the season when the sun is still setting before 7pm and the air can’t hold the warmth from the day.

11. He asks me about all of the things I need - the top three things that I need. I can’t settle on three. I need the six, seven, ten things.

12. After tomorrow, will it really be better?

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Four

1. 4:24am. Through the open window floats in the sound of the frogs and the rain. The rain. The rain.

2. Now, I am late on two deadlines.

3. What is the lesson in all of this?

4. It always feels like there is something else I need to be doing that is not the thing I am currently doing.

5. Dua Lipa over the rustling of the tissue paper.

6. I shouldn’t have indulged in this conversation but here we are.

7. Four hours of sleep is no good. No good at all.

8. He tells me that I forgot his jersey. That when I’m in a rush, I make a mistake. That his jersey wasn’t even in the drier yet.

9. What is it about this moment? I am realizing that it’s fleeting. That there are only so many more of these.

10. “I’m mossy. My brain is mossy.”

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Three

1. Not ready yet.

2. Dark skies.

3. Thank goodness for cereal. But I miss my juices and bone broth.

4. I think these are blue lupine? The picture isn’t turning out the way I want it to, but that’s okay. Sometimes it’s just worth it to try.

5. That felt too easy.

6. Of course, there’s always so much more to learn.

7. Of all the things I’ve had to navigate these last few weeks, how am I scared of reading an email?

8. Eight people times four gifts equal thirty-two handwritten notecards. Well, forty-two if you count the ones with mistakes.

9. The thing about this personality type is that they lose track of their own lies.

10. Who else can I talk to about this?

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Two

1. 4:45. Not today.

2. Wait. Where did the time go?

3. The crackling of the fire as she guides us through movement.

4. Refereeing a game is so much more different from coaching which is different from playing.

5. Everyone just wanted to beat #3.

6. What is the best use of this hour?

7. I had forgotten how hot it gets in the sun when you’re sitting on the bleachers.

8. I missed these games.

9. He says that I should vent so that my eyes don’t bulge out of my head when I sneeze.

10. Wanting something.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & One

1. I guess I shouldn’t have let myself sleep in after all.

2. Where are everyone’s clothes?

3. She walks through the hallway with her two long braids and her visor and her pants and she looks so much older than this same time last year.

4. For a brief moment, I wonder if this is going to be worth all of the trouble. And then I remind myself that there is nothing worse than knowing what the right thing to do is and yet choosing not to do it.

5. It is the fear of losing belonging.

6. The thing about this time of year is that yes, so much of our time is now taken up with trips to and from baseball fields, shelling out dollar bills for snack shacks, and sitting in bleachers. But look at this sky and all this sunshine. There are worse ways to spend these hours in a life.

7. These articles are never going to get written.

8. I look at my watch. It is almost 4pm.

9. We load up YouTube on the big tv and watch the last few minutes of the meeting while we finish our glass of wine. Things may be more in our favor than we realized.

10. I know this feeling.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred

1. Still.

2. Not wanting to get up.

3. Thank goodness for box mixes.

4. Missing aloe juice and green juice.

5. I see faces that I wasn’t expecting and that is both a good thing and bad thing.

6. She never can just answer straight.

7. Drained.

8. Gotta hit the gym more often.

9. He tells me that I don’t have the bandwidth for this but that I’m good at it and sometimes this is just what I have to do for now.

10. Doing the right thing.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Ninety-Nine

1. I hear a creak and then footsteps. I follow the footsteps down the stairs, in the dark, and find him aglow from the pantry light.

2. Owl.

3. Not better. Maybe slightly worse.

4. I laugh to myself as I watch him squint in the sun. I had forgotten how bright and direct the sun is during this time of year.

5. I think he has figured out how to make himself throw up.

6. I am here but not really hearing anything that is being said.

7. Lunch break is realizing that I need to pick him up from school because I didn’t provide a negative COVID test.

8. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away.

9. I keep my eye on the clock.

10. The last person speaks and then there is a mass exodus. I wish I could have seen their faces.

11. We are still standing in the parking lot and talking. I start to see the twinkle of the stars.

12. A marathon, not a sprint. I hope we have the endurance.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Ninety-Eight

1. Up.

2. Sore throat. I tell myself it's just stress. The juice cleanse and stress.

3. Of course, today the garbage man has taken his time and rolls through after 7am.

4. The oldest says he threw up. Now there are two home from school today.

5. There will always be something to do.

6. Can I just get through the next 6 days?

7. Throbbing throat.

8. I make it to the gym for their last scrimmage. These ladies look good. Two more years until they get to high school.

9. Shower at 7:30. In bed by 8:30. I've got to get some sleep.

10. I think he's talking to me.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Ninety-Seven

1. In one dream, we are being followed in the Target. In another, she throws a stack of file folders. In another, Ari Hest’s “Ann Marie” plays loudly in the background.

2. I forgot about the date milk last night so I drink it for breakfast this morning.

3. I stick my face in the sun.

4. A little relieved.

5. “Must feeling brave today,” I say to her as I open the car door. “White pants and a full cup of coffee while driving.” I think I hear a giggle.

6. No wi-fi.

7. Chipped nail polish.

8. A small cluster of orange poppies in a sea of dried grasses.

9. I shake the bottle of green juice but the top isn’t on it, and so green liquid splashes all over my white pants and the keyboards of both computers - and the window, and the desk.

10. Of course, the air conditioning in the car would go out.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Ninety-Six

1. Who’s alarm is this?

2. Too late.

3. Already so much light. Spring is coming.

4. I’m still not doing what I should be doing.

5. I forgot that sometimes I get so much done when I’m in the office.

6. Happiness Tonic.

7. Perhaps I did overextend myself by thinking I could make dinner and a charcuterie board and wash the wine glasses all at the same time.

8. We’re all on the same page.

9. Maybe, one day, everywhere I live will actually look like I live there.

10. Up too late. Way too late.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Ninety-Five

1. Thoughts are coming rather quickly first thing in the morning.

2. Very busy.

3. I sit down and feel a little drowsy and then remember that I’d only had a very small cup of coffee.

4. I think he is surprised to see me.

5. Above his desk are pictures of Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, Jr., Sigourney Truth, and Marcus Garvey. He starts to tell me a story and says, “maybe if James Baldwin was here, he’d be able to explain it to me.”

6. I look down at his feet and see the word “BACON” on his ankle. Above that, a picture of a pig.

7. I flip through the book and come across a piece of paper with his handwriting on it. It reminds me of my grandfather’s writing.

8. We walk outside and make note of the beautiful morning. We both agree that we really are blessed to live in such a beautiful place.

9. Maybe we just have to figure it out.

10. I can only put it off for one more day.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Ninety-Four

1. I thought I turned off the alarm.

2. Olives for breakfast.

3. One jar of water and one mug of coffee beside the yoga mat. I watch the light fill the room. How will we do this in the next place?

4. What is the next place? Where will the next place be?

5. I tell him I feel like these games are way more exhausting than coaching the high school games.

6. Yoga pants back on.

7. Three deadlines that all need attention. But I know that I also need a nap.

8. There is still so much. Too much.

9. What do I need?

10. Ready to move on.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Ninety-Three

1. The bite of the chill.

2. The floorboard heater is burning the tops of my toes.

3. Always just a few more things I need to do that can’t get done.

4. I can’t help myself and get two OG donuts.

5. I tell her that I’ve already made peace with the fact that I have to leave. That I’m not even cleaning, just thinking about what needs to go in the trash so I can prepare to pack.

6. I tell her that there were moments I didn’t know if it was the right thing to do. But I’m still glad we did it.

7. I just need space to visualize what could be next.

8. We figured it out. We figured it out. I send him an email with a lot of exclamation marks.

9. Perception.

10. Very tired.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Ninety-Two

1. Cold and yet hot.

2. Blood-orange cake from a box.

3. Pouring the last glass of orange juice is always a bittersweet moment.

4. I remind myself that this is only the first week of this and that is why it feels so hard. We will find a new way.

5. The audacity. The hubris. The delusion.

6. I sit in the boardroom alone, listening to the gentle sound of the rain. Rain. Rain. It’s raining. Wet concrete. Damp air.

7. Zoom calls from the school pick-up line.

8. There has to be a better way.

9. “When was the last time I had to use my mouthguard?” I ask him. “When was the last time I couldn’t open my mouth to eat breakfast? That just tells me how bad it was.”

10. Something has got to go.