Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Eighty-Five

1. 4:05. Oh no.

2. Waiting for the whistle.

3. But the ramen is good and warm and it is so cold.

4. I see the news. Last night he asked when will Russia invade the Ukraine? “Imminently,” I said. “Very soon.”

5. I text her and ask her if she can recommend something that might be approachable. Because she cried again last time we met and we’re supposed to connect this morning to work on an email to send to parents, and I want to send her all the resources before we talk again.

6. I make a list: Here is what I sent the parents of the friends of my kid. Here are some resources for you all as educators. Here is a list of resources and books for you, personally, to give you context for the past conversations we’ve had.

7. He stops me as I head up the stairs and asks me if I’m the basketball coach at the high school. He tells me who is daughter is and how she almost didn't play. How this year she loved it so much and came home after every game so excited and so proud of herself and that he could see how much she’d grown.

8. Red turtleneck. I can tell by the look on her face. She is not interested in talking. She did not read anything. She just read the article headline. She must have gotten stuck on the “white woman tears” part. And if she had actually read the article, then she would have understood why those two times she cried were a problem. Perhaps I was too optimistic in thinking that we could continue to have a dialogue.

9. I text my friend. 4.5 minutes long. That’s how long the conversation was.

10. I love learning all of these things.

11. This time with her gives me comfort.

12. I have to remember that sometimes doing the right thing is uncomfortable.

13. There is more good than bad.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Eighty-Four

1. Uh-oh. 4:00am. Might as well get up.

2. Feels like an instant ramen kind of morning.

3. He asks me if I want coffee. I hesitate. I shouldn’t but I will.

4. I am still feeling out of sorts.

5. I grab salad and two slices of pizza and sneak out of building. The ladies on the podcast call it an Irish exist, but I’m pretty sure it’s racist to say that.

6. I feel much better after our conversation. I stare out at the vineyard and turn on the music and turn off the crime.

7. Plan of attack.

8. I tell him that it’s take-out tonight.

9. Wait. Did I scare her? I just couldn’t muster up the energy to pretend.

10. Owl.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Eighty-Three

1. The benefit of falling asleep early.

2. Leftover ham and cheese quiche.

3. Well. As he said, this is not a matter of life or death. But it doesn’t make me happy.

4. Too much time spent in the inbox. How do we change that?

5. Really hard to eat ribs and type at the same time. I promise myself that I will change the culture of eating at the desk.

6. You don’t know what you don’t know.

7. We can be more efficient.

8. “The goal is to not make a mistake, but if you do, learn from it and move on.”

9. “When women are relegated to moods, mannerisms, and contours that conform to a single ideal of beauty and behavior, they are captured in both body and soul, and are no longer free.” - Women Who Run With the Wolves

10. I miss the days when they went to bed at 7:30.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Eighty-Two

1. Second Sunday.

2. What needs to happen first?

3. I look at the recipe one more time and then decide to take it easy on myself.

4. I break my coffee fast and savor every sip.

5. Now she can get on the phone?

6. It actually feels like a day off. Finally.

7. That feeling is an indicator of something else.

8. It sometimes feels like we just moved in here.

9. Fields thick with mustard aglow under the setting sun.

10. Gratitude.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Eighty-One

1. Can’t hear the frogs anymore. Must be after 4 am.

2. Yoga day.

3. Stripes of blue-gray and electric orange in the sky.

4. Soup and fire and hot tea and laying in bed kind of weather.

5. There is a little bit of sun peeking through the trees. Shovels are stacked on the ground and there are buckets of trees. Pink and blue flags mark the holes. People grab the coast redwoods and place them into holes, water them, take pictures of themselves and their trees. They will come back to see how they’ve grown.

6. Now I know what poison oak looks like.

7. I tell them about how she cried again and tried to blame it on me.

8. More laundry.

9. Yurt.

10. Good food but better company.
    

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Eighty

1. I open my eyes and see only darkness. I will myself to say in bed.

2. Still no coffee filters.

3. An almost completely open Saturday which simply means that there are no sports practices or games to squeeze between errands.

4. Colder than I thought it would be.

5. I just keep feeling like there’s so much more to do.

6. The warmth of the sun.

7. Pale lavender on the nails. Sweet spring.

8. I tell him that it almost doesn’t feel real, but maybe it’s because it all happened so fast.

9. One skillet dinner.

10. Systems and structures, systems and structures.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Seventy-Nine

1. Still no coffee filters.

2. Mudwtr all over the counter. Probably need a bigger mug for this.

3. I open her door and start to wake her up and then remember that they don’t have school today.

4. “Let’s go get coffee.”

5. But really, could the commute get much better than this?

6. Itching to have my camera in my hands again.

7. I think I figured it out. It only took me six hours, but it’s done. And this is what I need in order to do my work. So it’s worth it.

8. Dinner plans.

9. I start off feeling quite nervous, sip the sparkling too quickly. From sparkling to Chassagne-Montrachet. Steak tartare, scallops, poke to start. Three orders of Liberty Duck and one steak with bone marrow. Benovia Pinot Noir times two. Bread, jam, and browned butter ice cream with a cup of decaf. I almost can’t believe this is happening. But I’m really glad it’s happening.

10. Up way past my bed time.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Seventy-Eight

1. The sound of the wind blowing through the trees.

2. Another napkin-filter.

3. To coffee, or not too coffee?

4. Darn that labdanum.

5. Actually, I think I like these in-person meetings.

6. I need the time to switch gears.

7. She starts to cry. I knew the tears were coming. “I have been in education 36 years and I have cried in a meeting twice and both…” “…what you’re not going to do is blame me for your…no we are not…”

8. But I don’t trust you.

9. But it’s not my responsibility to make you comfortable.

10. I tell him that I think she’s full of shit.

11. I feel bad. Like maybe I put him in an uncomfortable position. That was not the intention.

12. This one-on-one was exactly what I needed.

13. I tell her that she was crying and she shouldn’t be and now I feel like crying. Because this is emotionally draining.

14. Thank goodness I brought my whistle.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Seventy-Seven

1. I wake in a panic.

2. Floorboard heater blowing against my toes and ankles.

3. I remember that I used the last coffee filter yesterday. I find two thin napkins, layer them, and fold them into the basket. This should work.

4. But shouldn’t I not drink the coffee?

5. Try to slow it down.

6. I meet her outside of the garden. We walk to the office and get a cup of tea, find a spot in the sunshine outside to sit and talk. I get her. She gets me. I wish we had more time.

7. My brain feels like it’s melting.

8. Where do we go from here?

9. I head straight to the shower because it’s been that kind of day.

10. It goes well.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Seventy-Six

1. Colder than yesterday.

2. Where are my clothes? What made me decide to put them on the mantel?

3. Do I really need to make something for breakfast?

4. Shifting schedules. This is the season for tetris-ing schedules.

5. Coffee and cupcakes.

6. She calls me to say that she’s at the wrong field; I rip through one circle and back to the parking lot to get her and take her back to the other field.

7. Okay. So, actually, these kids are much harder than the older ones.

8. Gott’s it is.

9. I feel like I’m being ignored and I’m not sure why.

10. That was not at all what I was expecting.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Seventy-Five

1. Valentine’s Day.

2. I check the store hours to see if it is too early to go in. I am fine. They open at 5am. I settle on one cookie and cake and a tray of small cupcakes. There are no more actual cards, so this will have to suffice.

3. Why am I making bacon and nothing else?

4. I had forgotten how much I need this form of expression.

5. He comes out of the room to say he doesn’t feel good and there are two tiny tears coming out of his eyes. And I know he means it because this kid never misses a party.

6. Adjust.

7. I set up camp in his room: computer plus charger, headphones, person phone, work phone, water, and a notebook.

8. Cravings.

9. “I ruined my perfect attendance for the year.”

10. “Writers must therefore constantly ask: what am I trying to say?” - On Writing Well

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. Just a little longer.

2. So much noise.

3. Lost in translation.

4. Old vine Chenin Blanc, blue hair, vineyards in Pope Valley, realizing that this writing thing is something I get to do.

5. The sweetest little home. I know these mugs are from the shop in town. The conversation is easy. I am grateful.

6. Laundry and true crime.

7. Hungry but not.

8. When will I ever get a chance to read the paper?

9. I take the call outside in the sun. “75 and sunny,” I say. They always comment on my weather as if they are jealous. But this why we moved to California: I like this version of winter so much better.

10. Over-socialized.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Seventy-Three

1. Don’t want to get up.

2. I hear him loading logs into the fireplace. It is a good morning for a fire.

3. I accidentally fall asleep during savasana. I wake up right before she says namaste.

4. Chardonnay musque clone?

5. Might already be too hot for this thin vest.

6. I talk to him at half time, tell him that we’ve from Naperville, tell him that we live here in town in case he needs anything. “Saint Helena?” “Yes, Saint Helena.” “I like the slower pace.” “Me too.” We exchange numbers. Selfishly, I am already brainstorming ways in which I can entice him to stay here. Maybe we need someone like him, just like I need the others.

7. I realize I need to do something to ease his fear.

8. No one here but me and I’m cleaning. I should be reading.

9. Can’t stop thinking about basketball.

10. So glad the frogs are back.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. The frogs stop. 4:48am. I wonder what it is about this time.

2. Today is actually Friday.

3. I never realized that you can still see the stars at this time of the morning.

4. Can barely keep my eyes open.

5. I make a list of wishes for the upcoming season and realize that the next season is not that far away.

6. Grateful for rescheduled meetings. Sometimes you just need more time to think.

7. So hot in the sun. Was not prepared for this kind of warmth.

8. Onion rings and a vanilla shake.

9. I manage not to cry, though I am sad. There are many hugs - two and three and four times we hug. They tell us we were some of their favorite coaches and so how do you not want to come back to that?

10. One glass of Olivia Brion Vin Gris of Syrah before bed.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Seventy-One

1. Too warm for a February morning.

2. I hope I won’t smell like breakfast sausage.

3. He’s the only one who still says “I love you, too,” when he gets out of the car.

4. A little gift in the morning.

5. A sigh of relief.

6. The meeting turns to lunch which was what we really needed. And now I have dinner for the bus ride back.

7. She was tardy, which means she can’t play.

8. Almost, almost.

9. It takes until the very last game when she was the very last one waiting to be picked up, that she musters up enough confidence to say more than three words to us. “I almost cried when you gave me the medal, but I didn’t.”

10. We walk back to our cars. I look up at the dark sky and marvel at the stars. It n never gets old.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Seventy

1. Can I stay under the covers just a little longer? No, I can’t.

2. Frogs again.

3. Sometimes you need a little bit of drama.

4. What’s most important to achieve today?

5. The mistake is in making too many assumptions. Keep asking questions. Better to be clear.

6. “How are you? It’s a lot, isn’t it? It’s better for me now, but it was a lot. How long have you been here? Oh, jeez.” I like her.

7. I get to the gym early with the medals and cupcakes. I realize that I just need to breathe.

8. We watch them jog around the field house for the last time. It’s hard to believe that this is the last practice. What am I going to do with this time now? I genuinely liked coming here every single day.

9. But isn’t change always coming?

10. The white wines could have been a little bit colder.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. There are those frogs again.

2. This works.

3. Slow to the first cup of coffee.

4. I tell him that something is going to go wrong today and I have a feeling I know exactly what it will be.

5. I tell myself to turn the page.

6. “Remember how I said I knew what was going to go wrong today? It did - exactly like I said it would.”

7. It’s not the thing but the thing beneath the thing.

8. I walk back to the car with my alkaline water and CBD-infused drink, and a large coffee, and remind myself that I need to just turn the page.

9. I think we’re going to do it. I think we’re going to do it.

10. She finds us after the game and says that she could have cried at how well they’ve played.

11. I can’t believe it’s almost over.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. Not the frogs, but the birds.

2. The orange juice did not come. I find it funny how upset I am about the missing orange juice. But sometimes, it’s the little things that make a difference.

3. Bakes potatoes and caramelized onions and peppers. Chopped bacon. I need a substantial breakfast today.

4. I actually like this part of the day the most, I think.

5. Only a few more days left.

6. Temperature is rising.

7. I almost feel a little self-conscious about fitting into this extra small.

8. Sandwich and salad and chips and water. I shouldn’t have had the extra coffee.

9. He asks me about practice. “Well, you know, it was a Monday kind of practice.”

10. At least this one part is done.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. Oh, right. I need to get up. She’s coming today.

2. Heavy black mug feels most right today.

3. The golf course looks like it’s covered in a thin layer of frost. The pond is as smooth as glass.

4. Choosing convenience.

5. “What exactly are you looking to get out of this experience?”

6. Just right.

7. Soup night. Quick focaccia.

8. Missed connections.

9. I talk about stranger danger and she tells me that she was indeed listening to the podcast when they talked about a person being abducted and murdered with their head and hands cut off. So. Okay. Maybe she is scared enough.

10. The frogs are so loud. The windows aren’t even open yet they are the only thing I can hear.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. I needed these extra hours.

2. I hear him starting a fire. He must have forgotten that she’s not coming today.

3. How much cleaning can I squeeze in before we need to go?

4. There is more to do than I remembered.

5. Easy meeting.

6. I decide to skip cleaning the bathrooms. I just. I just don’t feel like it. And I don’t think anyone will die.

7. I want to run out onto the floor and take over, but I know this is not my rodeo.

8. I do want to help.

9. I lay on the floor in the light. I am tired. So very tired.

10. Man. I just want to be like her when I grow up.