Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Seventy-One

1. Too warm for a February morning.

2. I hope I won’t smell like breakfast sausage.

3. He’s the only one who still says “I love you, too,” when he gets out of the car.

4. A little gift in the morning.

5. A sigh of relief.

6. The meeting turns to lunch which was what we really needed. And now I have dinner for the bus ride back.

7. She was tardy, which means she can’t play.

8. Almost, almost.

9. It takes until the very last game when she was the very last one waiting to be picked up, that she musters up enough confidence to say more than three words to us. “I almost cried when you gave me the medal, but I didn’t.”

10. We walk back to our cars. I look up at the dark sky and marvel at the stars. It n never gets old.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Seventy

1. Can I stay under the covers just a little longer? No, I can’t.

2. Frogs again.

3. Sometimes you need a little bit of drama.

4. What’s most important to achieve today?

5. The mistake is in making too many assumptions. Keep asking questions. Better to be clear.

6. “How are you? It’s a lot, isn’t it? It’s better for me now, but it was a lot. How long have you been here? Oh, jeez.” I like her.

7. I get to the gym early with the medals and cupcakes. I realize that I just need to breathe.

8. We watch them jog around the field house for the last time. It’s hard to believe that this is the last practice. What am I going to do with this time now? I genuinely liked coming here every single day.

9. But isn’t change always coming?

10. The white wines could have been a little bit colder.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. There are those frogs again.

2. This works.

3. Slow to the first cup of coffee.

4. I tell him that something is going to go wrong today and I have a feeling I know exactly what it will be.

5. I tell myself to turn the page.

6. “Remember how I said I knew what was going to go wrong today? It did - exactly like I said it would.”

7. It’s not the thing but the thing beneath the thing.

8. I walk back to the car with my alkaline water and CBD-infused drink, and a large coffee, and remind myself that I need to just turn the page.

9. I think we’re going to do it. I think we’re going to do it.

10. She finds us after the game and says that she could have cried at how well they’ve played.

11. I can’t believe it’s almost over.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. Not the frogs, but the birds.

2. The orange juice did not come. I find it funny how upset I am about the missing orange juice. But sometimes, it’s the little things that make a difference.

3. Bakes potatoes and caramelized onions and peppers. Chopped bacon. I need a substantial breakfast today.

4. I actually like this part of the day the most, I think.

5. Only a few more days left.

6. Temperature is rising.

7. I almost feel a little self-conscious about fitting into this extra small.

8. Sandwich and salad and chips and water. I shouldn’t have had the extra coffee.

9. He asks me about practice. “Well, you know, it was a Monday kind of practice.”

10. At least this one part is done.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. Oh, right. I need to get up. She’s coming today.

2. Heavy black mug feels most right today.

3. The golf course looks like it’s covered in a thin layer of frost. The pond is as smooth as glass.

4. Choosing convenience.

5. “What exactly are you looking to get out of this experience?”

6. Just right.

7. Soup night. Quick focaccia.

8. Missed connections.

9. I talk about stranger danger and she tells me that she was indeed listening to the podcast when they talked about a person being abducted and murdered with their head and hands cut off. So. Okay. Maybe she is scared enough.

10. The frogs are so loud. The windows aren’t even open yet they are the only thing I can hear.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. I needed these extra hours.

2. I hear him starting a fire. He must have forgotten that she’s not coming today.

3. How much cleaning can I squeeze in before we need to go?

4. There is more to do than I remembered.

5. Easy meeting.

6. I decide to skip cleaning the bathrooms. I just. I just don’t feel like it. And I don’t think anyone will die.

7. I want to run out onto the floor and take over, but I know this is not my rodeo.

8. I do want to help.

9. I lay on the floor in the light. I am tired. So very tired.

10. Man. I just want to be like her when I grow up.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. Game day.

2. Small sips of coffee, emails, quiet.

3. I wear my slippers in the car. The morning light is soft and the colors are muted. Friday.

4. Things are moving right along.

5. Espresso in one hand, dry eraser in the other. The list is smaller when it’s on a big board.

6. I rush through the aisles grabbing whatever I think makes the most sense. Plus a package of peanut m&ms.

7. We get the big bus today.

8. We pull up to the school and I think about the financial sacrifices my parents made and we make so that our children have access to a decent and safe environment. “We’re privileged,” I hear one of the girls say. “But it’s not fair for them to classify all of us as rich. Not all of us are rich.” Yet, when you pull up in a coach, it’s hard to not think we are.

9. None of the refs introduce themselves to me and I know that means it’s going to be a rough game.

10. I tell her that at one point I wanted to throw my water bottle across the court.

11. All of this is bizarre.

12. McDonald’s before the long ride home. Only two more games left. I am going to miss it.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. How is it only Thursday?

2. More coffee. And more coffee.

3. Really need to step up the breakfast game again.

4. Fewer meetings make me happy.

5. She warns me that the food has no flavor, but I devour it anyway because I am just that hungry.

6. I’ve got to figure out how not to sit so much.

7. I tell him that I like these stories; these stories don’t bore me. I need the context.

8. It is a spider bite. More ointment. Bigger bandaids.

9. No one is doing their chores.

10. I need to do my taxes.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. Still can’t swallow. Test is negative. But who wants to be sick?

2. Maybe I still need more pants.

3. Leftover wonton soup.

4. I remember that it’s Wednesday which means there is a meeting after all.

5. One hand wrapped around a cup of coffee. The other hand grips the warm steering wheel. I stare out over the valley floor as I guide the car down the hill. I smile to myself. Mornings like these.

6. I am caught by surprise.

7. Sometimes I feel like the compliments are backhanded.

8. First club member!

9. Now we’re missing two.

10. They played so much better. Last game: 54-12. Tonight’s game: 41-21.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. Not already.

2. Always so cold by the window.

3. One cup and then two cups and then three cups.

4. The minutes of the morning are slipping through my fingers.

5. “I don’t know what I don’t know,” I say. And so I take more notes and get to work.

6. I don’t say anything because I am the newest one and I know the least. I can only respond from my gut, and my gut says that they’re not ready.

7. “There’s an app.”

8. They are unfocused and I think it’s just the change in environment. It is not the gym and therefore it does not feel like practice.

9. I am standing in the sun, shielding my eyes from the light, and there is a slight breeze. It almost feels like summer. In just another month we will be sunning on the deck with a glass of wine.

10. Dinner is late. Dinner does not have enough salt. But we eat and we talk and we laugh.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-One

1. So cold.

2. Coffeecake from a box while the coffee brews.

3. I stuff my bag with things for the day: a computer, a water bottle, a notebook, leftover caesar salad, a tote bag full of snacks for the bus ride home.

4. No Zooms until after lunch.

5. I tell him that I am still angry. So angry that I could cry.

6. The crunch of gravel underfoot. The warmth of the sun. Clear blue sky. The yellow of the mustard.

7. Always waiting for one.

8. I take the blame on this one. I could have done something different. She tells me that there really wasn’t much more I could have done.

9. She says she’s reading James Patterson. We laugh. Then they talk about books and how expensive it is to them. I tell them about Thriftbooks. “I’m just glad to hear you spend money on books,” I say. “Well, I spend money on other things, too,” she says.

10. So, so hungry.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty

1. Do I really need to go to the grocery store today?

2. Out of the corner of my eye, a flash of bright blue of the morning sky.

3. So many baskets.

4. We stand on the sidewalk and he leans in closer and says, “…but this is why we live in California, right?” I nod my head in agreement. Sunny skies and 70 degrees in late January does not suck.

5. I tell the coach that last year I was at one of these parks every day of the week. Every. Day. Oh, boy.

6. Website is live.

7. Maybe, someday, I would like a small vineyard.

8. I make a pitstop at the olive oil store and walk the shells. There might be fifty kinds of pasta, all kinds of Italian foodstuffs, oils, and vinegars. I grab a big bag of grissini and have her cut me a large chunk of Gruyere.

9. They do seem excited.

10. Is there no room for honesty?

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. Another sweaty night.

2. I lay in the dark a little longer and then I remember that she will be here soon.

3. I keep my eyes closed until I remember that I actually need to wake up.

4. Dried strawberries.

5. But not too much.

6. It’s bright and clean and quiet. I am silently grateful that she isn’t talking very much. Though she keeps telling me I look too young to have children.

7. These one-hour meetings are always so productive.

8. Shrimp scampi in orzo.

9. Selfishly, maybe more girls from basketball will come. And if they do, then they will be in even better shape next season. And also, I do miss running.

10. Ice cream.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-Eight

1. What is that noise? Is it his breathing? No. It’s almost frightening, like someone trying to scream. Must be some kind of animal.

2. The cry-squawk-screech continues.

3. The drive is easy. Reverse commute this time of day. Only two hot air balloons staggered across the horizon.

4. She looks familiar but she also has a mask on, so who knows.

5. Can I do it?

6. The sheep are here. The sheep are here.

7. It’s done. And now I wonder if I should even write the words.

8. They ask me how the game went. “We lost by 4. We were this close. But we did keep them from scoring.”

9. I think they can do it.

10. Sigh. No ice cream.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-Seven

1. Of course I would wake up forty-five minutes before the alarm.

2. I remember that I forgot to turn on the wash last night.

3. More chicken tortilla soup for breakfast.

4. He asks me if I’m going into the office and I say that I am and he says he thinks that is a good idea.

5. No meetings = more productivity.

6. Should have just eaten it cold.

7. I think I have managed to accomplish something today and that feels good.

8. I realize that the doors of my office are open while I’m telling the person on the phone about my suspected spider bite on my tailbone.

9. I feel like I am yelling more than normal.

10. Game nights are always the hardest.

Ten. One Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-Six

1. Mid-week slump.

2. Soup for breakfast. I dump tortilla chips and shredded cheddar and cilantro into the bottom of the bowl before adding two ladles of chicken tortilla soup.

3. Where are my Collins glasses?

4. I like his energy, too.

5. It’s finished.

6. I try to move about quietly, finding the right angles, the best way to be unobtrusive. “I’m taking pictures of *****,” I say to myself. “Who is going to eat all of this cheese?”

7. I’m still not entirely sure that I know what I’m doing. But also I do.

8. It’s finished.

9. Sounds like a gunshot. Do I even know what a gunshot sounds like?

10. 2017 Tablas Creek Espirit Blanc. 2017 Mt. Brave Cabernet Franc.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-Five

1. Quiet. So quiet.

2. But sometimes you need validation.

3. I think about the words I wrote. I know that even if they hear the words, or read the words, the effect won’t last long. Because people like them have short memories.

4. Zoom. Zoom. Zoom.

5. I really dig his energy.

6. We are both 65 on the inside.

7. In need of a system.

8. Can we just maintain the deficit?

9. The other coach stops to tell me that I’m doing a good job. That he could tell how much we’ve progressed since we last played them. “You really frustrated my girls.”

10. I tell her that even though we sometimes get frustrated by what they still can’t do, other people can see their growth and that’s important to recognize.

11. She realizes that she signed up for these nauseating bus rides for another season. We laugh.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-Four

1. We weren’t actually out of coffee.

2. What’s up with my podcasts not playing?

3. Hashbrowns and sausage. But water first.

4. He waves at another car passing by. He says he loves this little town. I smile to myself. I get it. I get the feeling. I also feel the feeling.

5. So many bags.

6. Why do I look so shiny? Maybe I should draw the blinds.

7. I tell him that I know what to do. I will write. They will know that they did not win. This is not about winning.

8. Can barely remember the last time I used my camera. It feels good to be making again.

9. I start to tear up a little bit while formulating my awards banquet speech. “Coaching your girls has helped me to be a better mother,” I say to myself. We’re almost done. What will I do when it’s over?

10. It’s no Inishi Kitchen.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. Out of coffee.

2. Laundry before leaving.

3. It is so much brighter but so much colder than I expected it to be.

4. I stare out across the horizon and count the hot air balloons.

5. I miss flowers.

6. Not big enough.

7. I don’t know if I can keep my eyes open.

8. He says that even though things still aren’t easy now, it’s a different kind of stress than before. I said it’s because that wasn’t stress - it was psychological torture.

9. “If you’ve got the money, you usually find yourself on the right side.”

10. Hopeful for a resolution.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. We keep the window open to let the breeze in. The winds are strong. Large branches are banging against the roof and the sides of the house.

2. Dark.

3. I catch a strip of hot pink sky before heading out to sweep off the decks.

4. She says she checks my blog for proof of life. I laugh. I realize that there are people who might be worried by my absence.

5. The pop-pop-pop of fire.

6. Today we take it easy on the mat and it just the right pace for today.

7. Lunch at Acacia House under a bright sun. We eat outside on the porch. The chef comes to the table and I am certain my eyes get big.

8. Massican Annia and Robert Biale Black Chicken. Burger. Fries. Asian Pear Upside-Down Cake.

9. Can’t not think about it.

10. It is not funny, but it is extremely wild.