Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Six

1. Coffee first.

2. Bacon and hashbrowns in the oven.

3. I make a list, but there isn’t that much on it.

4. I am disappointed. I know the girls will be disappointed.

5. We head down the hill and I look out over the valley floor. The fog is dense and everything is muted and quiet. It feels like winter.

6. Through the screen, I can see that she is on her sofa in the living room and I am instantly transported to mornings with her and coffee. There are a few things I miss, and she is one of them.

7. It must be the weather.

8. How am I going to get these done?

9. Only 19 days which is not a lot of time. It is almost no time.

10. I think I can breathe a little more easily now.

11. I tell him that I’m just worried that I’ve lost my freedom.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Five

1. I look for the deep yellow of their lights through the window.

2. Another foggy start to the day.

3. The checker isn’t wearing a mask. On our way out, I glance back at the door. I don’t see the sign. We stop at Model Bakery. Again. No signs on the door. But everyone inside is still wearing a mask. I am confused.

4. I sit in front of the fire and write and write some more and think about reading, but know that there are other things that need to be done.

5. Fairly certain I could eat a ham and cheese croissant every day.

6. That alone was exhausting enough.

7. Always behind on laundry.

8. The turkey vultures are gathered around something that is now unidentifiable.

9. How very, very persistent he is.

10. Rice Krispie treats.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Four

1. Competition Day.

2. Not what I want to see first thing in the morning.

3. Their excitement is evident. It’s the day when they get to see if those three-hour practices have paid off.

4. We build a fire before practice. I try to focus on my breath, but I just hear my frustration.

5. I work on the words in my head. Unfortunately, this is a conversation I know how to have.

6. There is a slowness to the day that is almost uncomfortable.

7. Why does she think she can be in here without a mask on? In some ways, I honor the audacity to not do the one thing everyone else in the store is doing. But also - why? Why, for the 5 minutes you are in here can you not just put it on?

8. If one was coming, I knew it would be her.

9. Two rolls of Lifesavers Butter Rum candies.

10. “Are you okay?” “No, I’m not okay.” “Why?” “I’ve got to write this text to these parents.”

11. It’s not fair. It’s just really not fair.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Three

1. Thicker fog this morning. A cooler start to the day.

2. Hard to tell if he really is sick, or if he’s just trying to stay home and play video games.

3. Stuck upstairs.

4. Fog still thick, weaving itself in and out of the trees.

5. Woodchipper is back.

6. He goes and gets him from school.

7. The hours are passing so slowly, but ultimately, that is a good thing.

8. “We’re soft?” They feel offended. We laugh. They drive down the lane and we bump them with pads. They feel tougher and that’s the goal.

9. Patience is a virtue.

10. Cravings.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Two

1. Better today than yesterday.

2. I’m sad about the old start, but I like this new one quite a bit.

3. The soft glow of early morning.

4. Santa mug.

5. This is the gift of gratitude.

6. Pajamas secured. One extra for Pop-Pops.

7. The chipper is loud today, so loud, and of course, I have a call, an important call, but I stay put because this is the best light and the most comfortable space, and it somehow has to work.

8. “This is turning out to be a very good week,” I say.

9. Am I overreacting? No, I’m not. This is the convergence of the -isms and insecurity. Because, how dare I come into a space and be more successful than everyone else?

10. A forgotten Snicker’s bar for dessert.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & One

1. So tired.

2. If I’m tired, then I know the girls must also be tired.

3. I forgot it’s enrichment day today.

4. “Remember that you belong there,” he says to me as I gather my things.

5. “I only have a twenty. I want fifteen dollars back in change, please.”

6. I come around the curve and ahead of me, the horizon stretches out in a hazy silhouette of mountains, light gray to deep gray. Below are large swathes of glittering green grass and gilded leaves. I remember that I do get to live in this beautiful place.

7. Not awkward at all.

8. As always, I have more questions than answers.

9. I tell him that I remembered that as long as I keep working hard and maintain my integrity, I will be okay.

10. Still haven’t baked anything this week.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred

1. Slow to rise.

2. The last bits of apple pie with my coffee. I sprinkle a few walnuts on the top for texture and protein.

3. One day, they will look back on the fact that both of their parents dropped them off at school every morning, and be grateful for it. These little things count, I think.

4. I realize that for the first day in quite a few days, I am actually quite calm about the situation.

5. This is what I miss about wine - the education.

6. This 2018 Mt. Brave Merlot, though.

7. I gather my things and set them by the door. He asks me if I have everything ready. Of course, I do.

8. She complains that her shorts won’t stay up. Coach grabs the extra pair we packed and tossed them to her. “They came in handy,” we say at the same time. “Always be prepared.”

9. 58-18. A win.

10. And to think that this is one of our closer games.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Ninety-Nine

1. The glow of the lights from the neighbor’s house.

2. A better night of sleep, but not by much.

3. More ham and sweet potatoes.

4. Shorter pours of coffee so that I finish a cup before it gets too cold. The Santa mug does not hold heat.

5. I remind myself that I am a good and fast writer and therefore I should be able to knock out this draft quickly.

6. Ticking the boxes.

7. Good energy today. You can feel it.

8. The light is slowly fading away. The silhouettes of bare branches reach out over the road like witches’ fingers. The thud of car doors closing as children slide into the backseats of cars.

9. This salmon tastes different. Oh, it’s trout.

10. Different. Not bad. But different.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Ninety-Eight

1. The second nightmare is a continuation of the first.

2. Ham and sweet potatoes and coffee.

3. I scan the bookshelves and reach for ‘East of Eden’. I sit in front of the fire and notice how many pages are dog-eared. I flip to one in the middle and see words circled and underlined in pencil.

4. The upside is that there will be time to read.

5. Unstringing lights.

6. The article outline takes shape quickly and I am relieved and confident that this one will be easy to write.

7. There really is never anything in this Target.

8. I worry that I will have to pull over on the side of the road and this is something I never have to do but I really feel like I’m going to do it right now.

9. Now they’re getting into the spirit.

10. Not again.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Ninety-Seven

1. This amount of sleep is abnormal.

2. More coffeecake for them. Leftover ham and scrambled eggs for me.

3. “7:50 and no one is here yet?” They trickle in slowly, but everyone is on time. Barely.

4. We wonder if it’s cultural conditioning. Boys are expected to devote their lives to their sport. I don’t see the same kind of expectation for the girls.

5. Staring into the sun while I eat garlic fries. It feels busy down here.

6. We sit on the bench outside of the barbershop and talk. We look at the trees on the roofs of cars and rate them. “It’s really noisy here.” “And this is not even a big city,” I say. “It’s just that our town is so small and quiet that this seems so loud.”

7. He takes the corners a little more slowly than usual.

8. I get her Christmas list presentation. It’s animated. I’m impressed. “I wonder where she gets it from?”

9. It’s not yet 7pm.

10. How am I this tired?

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Ninety-Six

1. Nine hours.

2. I stick the coffee cake in the oven and then slice a leftover dinner roll in half, slather it with butter, and put it on the rack above the coffee cake.

3. Neither one of us is a fan of this season but we’ve agreed to bake something this week. Something that will bring delight. Pavlova for her, a tart for me.

4. I try to bring my thoughts to the present, to my breath. I try to unclench my jaw and focus. There is never a Friday where I don’t need this time with her.

5. I tell him about the dream. I hope it is one of my prophetic ones. It felt so real.

6. What will be different?

7. Two kids down, one to go.

8. She’s cleaning her room and listening to Christmas music. If nothing else, I will do it for her.

9. Thanksgiving 2.0.

10. “A Charlie Brown Christmas.”

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Ninety-Five

1. Quiet.

2. The sound of the coffeemaker percolating, a faint quacking sound in the distance, the crackle of the fire.

3. I haven’t spoken to him in a while so he is my first call.

4. It just seems like we’re all in a rough spot right now. I remind myself that life is cyclical. There is always an up after a down.

5. The dough bangs against the side of the bowl as the hook whips it around. I resist the urge to stick a podcast in my ears. It’s good to be alone with your thoughts.

6. Three bowls in the drawer. They still have milk in them. “What were you going to do when they started to smell?,” I ask. He shrugs his shoulders.

7. It’s been too long since we’ve all been together for a holiday, and that makes me sad.

8. Small bowl of leftover beef stew.

9. Oysters and champagne.

10. Stuffed. Everything a delight. Gratitudes.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Ninety-Four

1. A slew of weird dreams. Time to wake myself up.

2. I remember that she wanted waffles for breakfast.

3. “You’re so patient.” “No, I’m not. “I’m just trying to establish a baseline of you being patient.”

4. But it’s all just so beautiful.

5. We’re probably in the same boat. This might be the first of many trips back.

6. Relief.

7. He asks me if my back hurts. I remind him that I just finished a job where I was bent over picking up heavy things so it’s not so bad.

8. Tired.

9. Time for a break.

10. “Marcus Aurelius asked: ‘You see how few things you have to do to live a satisfying and reverent life?’” - Digital Minimalism

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Ninety-Three

1. Regular clothes.

2. Cold. Not even 40 degrees. Feeling like winter.

3. Kix.

4. I forgot about the tree work in Rutherford. I pull a u-turn and head down the trail instead.

5. I crane my neck to see if their cars are there. This is a thing I do now every time I drive past the winery: seeing if I can figure out who’s parked in the driveway, if they’re in the caves, wonder if he’s using his basketball hoop.

6. No husband, no kids. Coffee and almond croissants and quiche and real talk.

7. There is no such thing as control.

8. I check myself.

9. Put the phone down.

10. The softness of a freshly washed bathmat.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Ninety-Two

1. Ready for the break.

2. Still quiet. Coffee. Banana.

3. The irony of wanting to take a break from social media when you have work that requires you to be on social media.

4. Three at 7:56. This is a problem.

5. Trying to hold it all together.

6. “It’s finally ending. Or, really, I guess it’s just the beginning.

7. The hypothesizing and storytelling is to soothe the nervous system, to imagine a resolution.

8. Two strikes.

9. Bright yellow leaves aglow.

10. Flowers.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Ninety-One

1. No alarm.

2. Priority: comfort.

3. We map out the day: I have breakfast with her, she has cheer practice, he has a pitching clinic. Awfully busy for a Sunday.

4. I never knew this little place existed.

5. Two scrambled eggs, four slices of bacon, and potatoes. There is a tiny spoonful of caramelized onions beside the potatoes that are so good I think of asking the kitchen if I can have a whole cup of them.

6. I take the long way home just because.

7. Hair day.

8. I only have five more braids to do but they are hungry.

9. Beef stew and Raft 2020 Merlot.

10. One step closer.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Ninety

1. Quick banana bread from a box. I eat a fresh banana instead.

2. I try to make the long stories short. But it’s been so long, there are so many things to explain. We make loose plans for the future knowing that there is still so much up in the air.

3. Fog laying low on the horizon. Everything bright and alive.

4. Snickers.

5. Can I make a gluten-free crust?

6. Maybe too many experiments in one day for something that is to be shared.

7. Maybe that can be my Christmas gift.

8. Turkey and mashed potatoes and stuffing and salad and bread and green bean casserole and sweet potatoes and apple pie with fresh whipped cream and ice cream.

9. Champagne first. Chenin from Anjou. Burgundy from Mercurey. L’envolee. Perlieu.

10. “Such kind people.” “I know.”

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Eighty-Nine

1. I am both the adult and the child.

2. Thank goodness there is yoga today.

3. Something about the thin leafless pines, blackened by fire, and the way they stick out of the mountain top in the fog.

4. No chainsaws this morning.

5. Baked maple-glazed donut. Masala chai latte. Bright light. Very Instagramable.

6. Mostly, on these walks, I remember that I’m not alone.

7. Satisfied.

8. “What do you do in detention?” “I don’t know. I’ve never had one.”

9. What is this feeling? Warm fuzzies? Also nerves. But, maybe, the start of belonging.

10. Rethinking.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Eighty-Eight

1. Tired.

2. Multiple bottles with just enough cleaner to get the jobs done.

3. I look toward the left and confused by the light. I remember that it is just the reflection of the sunrise from the other windows. I look toward the right and watch the sky change colors.

4. Pick it up and put it down.

5. I remember why I don’t like shopping here anymore.

6. The best kind of email I could get.

7. One day I will no longer care to act as if I don’t care.

8. You can grieve the loss of things you no longer wanted.

9. Goal-setting.

10. Why is the water still running?

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Eighty-Seven

1. Starters. Subs. Positions. Will they be able to run the offense?

2. I finish up my make-up and pull my hair up into a bun and the only thing I can think is “am I sure I really want to do this?”

3. I remember her words: “Write down what it is you want and what you don’t want. I watched you manifest your way all the way to California. You can create what you want.”

4. I could geek out more over the space, but I’m trying to stay professional.

5. This makes me miss wine things.

6. “I left more excited than I was when I arrived.”

7. Tacos and flautas and a lime Jarrito in the park. The vines behind the fence are a bright yellow. There are still enough leaves on the trees to dapple the sunlight. I can feel a cool breeze coming through my sweater.

8. “Do you need anything?” “I need to not throw up.”

9. There is only so much we can do now.

10. Once the game starts the nerves go away. Time is going so quickly. “You have time-outs,” he says to me from behind the bench. I laugh. I completely forgot about those. It’s okay. First game.

11. I think they expect me to be upset with the loss. But I am quite happy. “I don’t think the score reflected their efforts and they are proud of themselves. And that’s the most important thing.”

12. I need a ferm board.