Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-Three

1. 1:10am.

2. 2:43 am.

3. 4:22 am. I am not surprised that I cannot sleep. I should probably just get up and get to work. I close my eyes.

4. The turtle neck and white pants. It feels good to put on real clothes.

5. Thank goodness the camera is off and I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

6. But really. So many soprano solos.

7. I miss the frenzy.

8. I watch the hummingbird flit about the winery. Are they looking for a way out? Are they confused? I still take it as a good omen.

9. One more. We will be okay. We will be okay.

10. I could eat more, but I need to save it for tomorrow’s lunch.

11. I just really want the Braves to win.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. They’re right. This should have been a day off.

2. I realize that I am more nervous about today than the past days. Who will show up? Will there be new faces? Can I really do this?

3. Honestly, I could use a day of solitude.

4. I catch myself before I get in too deep.

5. We decide who’s bringing what and I’m genuinely glad that it’s not over yet.

6. I tell him that I’m not surprised, that while I was cleaning the tanks and had all that time to think that I thought exactly this. And so, in a way, I am not surprised. It is very on brand.

7. Two new faces. I really didn’t think she would come back.

8. They just can’t know that I’m nervous, too.

9. The best grades he’s had in years.

10. I think of how she told the girls that basketball will prepare you for life. That sometimes basketball is hard and life is sometimes hard. She is not wrong.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-One

1. The sound of rain hitting the rooftop.

2. One thick slice of banana walnut bread, toasted, a smear of soft butter. Hot coffee.

3. Today is going to be a long day.

4. Only three pumpovers and a punch down. The end is near.

5. Sausage breakfast burrito.

6. It’s really such a pretty sight: barrels lined up outside of the cave, the overcast skies, the yellow and orange leaves. And it’s so quiet.

7. Multiple kids at this age on a day like today is always anxiety-inducing.

8. I ask him how he’s liking his first Halloween in Saint Helena. He approves. I tell him that I do, too.

9. Gratitudes.

10. Tomorrow will be an even longer day.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy

1. Already 7am.

2. I stare out over the muddy water in the pond. I wonder how many months of rain it will take to make it clear again. Or will they find some way to filter it out?

3. Three day-old loaves and a box of fresh pastries.

4. I see that he has a basket full of advent calendars. The advent calendars are already out? Where did he get those?

5. Only two months.

6. Chainsaw.

7. Chicken noodle soup.

8. Can I do fast math in my head?

9. Tiny pink clouds on the horizon. I stare at them and everything around me fades away.

10. But also, I’m kind of glad it’s over. On to the next.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. But the good thing is that I get to lay here.

2. A disaster. I push the dirty dishes aside and clean off the cutting board. Where is the tablespoon?

3. How quickly can I clean these bathrooms?

4. Her hand in a mudra and the light hitting her just right. The same light illuminating the edge of the fireplace. It is quiet. Not even a chainsaw this morning.

5. I go with the turtleneck. I will probably regret it later.

6. A nut with each course.

7. “Octavia Butler,” she says. “Parable of the Sower?” I say as I touch her arm. “I mean, it sounds like we need to buy our land further north, right?” “But that county gives unfriendly vibes.” She assures me that it is unfriendly. “People go missing and stay missing up there.”

8. This feels like a puzzle that can’t be solved.

9. This is it. The real fun begins next week.

10. “I used to dream about dinners like these.”

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. Still can’t remember what day it is.

2. The quiet.

3. They don’t look too excited about this new route. But it is indeed so much faster. Thank goodness.

4. On time.

5. The car behind me wants me to go faster but I really can’t go much faster than I already am. Plus, there is too much to look at: the layers of fog, a fan spinning rapidly out in a vineyard, people in bright orange vests moving in and out of the vines, the soft and watery light of morning.

6. So much has happened in this long/short period of time.

7. I explain to her why the joke is funny. I laugh to myself. I realize that I might think it’s funnier than it actually is.

8. Okay. So it’s not just me.

9. This is exciting.

10. I have tomorrow off.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. Not time yet.

2. Oh, no. Uncured bacon.

3. Gate still closed. We’re going to be late. I sip cold coffee and am grateful for the little stretch of road that is empty.

4. Could be worse.

5. The way the colors are so saturated after the rains. Everything feels like it’s pulsing with life. Lush.

6. Eight years ago. Look at us now.

7. Nothing but tail lights.

8. Each song a memory of middle school and high school. Long bus trips to and from places and these songs being the only ones the coach approved of.

9. The way the light is filtering through the persimmon tree.

10. She wants to race me. We do. I win. Still got it.

11. “Prepare to be stomped like a late harvest Gewurtztraminer.”

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. What is today?

2. I try to close the door without making a sound. At least the stairs aren’t too creaky.

3. The water is back but it is awfully brown. The ducks still seem happy.

4. Just a cold? But when was the last time we had colds? Before COVID. Before doing things.

5. No more cold soaks.

6. All of the earth is gone. That’s a good reason for a road closure.

7. “That’s the Mom in you.” We pass around the tray of Oreos.

8. Sometimes you complete a simple task and even though it is simple, you still feel really proud of yourself.

9. Google maps says it will take me 30 minutes to go 2.1 miles. This is going to be a long month.

10. We talk the entire ride home. I explain to him that we have to go all the way around to get home. We pass the light and he asks me where I’m going. “ALL the way around.”

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. These dreams. These dreams.

2. Cold feet. Warm slippers. The sound of my own feet shuffling on the slate tile.

3. Should I eat more? I should eat a little more.

4. But can we leave?

5. The cloud reminds me that it was 8 years ago that I made my first trip to California. The pictures are of golden hills and oaks and ivy at J winery. And here I am, now.

6. Watery yellow sunshine.

7. I stand at the top of the ladder and look through the roll-up at the glistening vineyard below.

8. Am I moving slow or is it just a lot of work? Maybe a little bit of both.

9. “See, homeschooling.”

10. But maybe it’s just because I am seeing everything with fresh eyes and so I have no preconceived ideas about capabilities. I think to myself that one’s inability to perform might be more about the person in charge of setting the conditions for performance.

11. Really miss walking around town.

12. Could be worse. Could be better.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. Still raining. Still raining. This is both a good thing and a bad thing.

2. Laundry.

3. All the veggies and the feta on a baking sheet. Hash browns and sausage on the stove top. I forget to turn on the coffee.

4. No one is here. Someone is always here.

5. Lights keep going out. This is going to be a long Sunday.

6. Pushing past the uncomfortableness of asking for help. Especially when it’s offered.

7. I say that I am confused and upset and angry and embarrassed.

8. High water.

9. ”I do a lot of thinking up there on the tanks,” I say.

10. Still raining.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. She’s already awake.

2. I put on the new jacket. It is light. It will be warm enough.

3. It is still so very dark. I have not had enough coffee yet. Something about driving at night time makes me drowsy. This is not a good thing. I keep looking for the first light of morning.

4. They’re still asleep.

5. I follow the curve and look for the statue. She shows me the chapel. We walk a path and squeeze through a gate and I feel like I am in the most peaceful place on Earth.

6. Okay. So this is just a teenager thing and I am not alone. We are not alone.

7. I curl up under a blanket and eat a salad and try to close my eyes and rest.

8. Probably best to wear the parka.

9. Long, cold, wet. And two losses.

10. But I really do need to go to sleep. Tomorrow already feels like a long day.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. More rain.

2. More things in less time.

3. The clouds look like cotton candy strung from mountain top to mountain top.

4. It’s easy when it’s beautiful.

5. Whoever made the PB & J today did not layer the peanut butter on both sides. It’s still a solid sandwich.

6. Productive. And that’s a good thing. There will be more of these.

7. I am off but on enough. Or maybe it’s just nerves.

8. This was a good choice.

9. She asks me what I want to do. I tell her I don’t know. I list a few of the opportunities in front of me. I am just staying open.

10. I do not like it but I’m glad they are comfortable enough to talk with me.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-One

1. The sound of rain.

2. The one thing about winter is having to get dressed in the dark.

3. He read the definition of “atmospheric river.” This is not the first time we’ve had one. It is good, but can also be bad.

4. Not an ideal way to start the day.

5. I’m always trying to beat my last time. But I don’t move faster; I try to move more efficiently.

6. Really could have used that new jacket this week.

7. How quickly the time passes.

8. They seem surprised by the news. I am not. They seem disappointed. I am not. They seem worried. I am not.

9. A quick stab of panic at the words.

10. Too sweet.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty

1. The sound of rain.

2. My feet are cold and I am happy about it because it means winter is coming.

3. A bowl of yogurt and walnuts and dried cranberries. Coffee. Water.

4. My hands are to the point where I can’t write for extended periods of time. I push through and finish the three pages.

5. Gratitude for awareness of my own faults.

6. Early enough for a stop. They’ve discontinued my favorite item. Certain items not available until the weekend. Not good.

7. Clouds cradling the mountain tops. Saturated and yet muted. Quiet.

8. All of the feelings all at once.

9. More rain.

10. Oh, Fox.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. Heater on.

2. Why do these feel so tight?

3. I make a batch of oatmeal and proceed to eat soup for breakfast instead.

4. Still lots of pleasure from a good iron.

5. Last day of fruit. I take a moment to take it in. The light. The yellowing of the leaves. The clear sky. The cool breeze. The quiet before the storm.

6. This is going to be a challenge.

7. “You’re going to come back after you put the kids to bed, right?”

8. I tell him I’m considering it.

9. “Tired, coach?” I tell her that I haven’t been in high school in almost twenty years. She makes a face. “Oh yeah, I’m old enough to be your mother. That’s why I’m out of shape.

10. Maybe ice cream.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Eight

1. Already awake.

2. But the wines were worth it.

3. Two bowls of soup.

4. This is the kind of light I live for. The clear yellow-gold of early morning sun. It only happens after it rains.

5. I cross this bridge so often now that I’m beginning to recognize the cars and the faces of the regulars.

6. Actually one of my favorite things to do.

7. The light is just so beautiful.

8. He asks me what I’m going to do after harvest is over. I hesitate. There is no straightforward answer.

9. I know this feeling.

10. The thing is that I had a feeling this would happen.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Seven

1. Goal: Comfort

2. Plain bagel with butter. Coffee.

3. The problem with sleeping in just a little bit is that you feel like you’ve lost your whole morning.

4. I explain to him the name and what it is and how it can expand.

5. Cold hands.

6. A gentle breeze blows through, scattering leaves from the persimmon tree.

7. New fact: people race pigeons.

8. We keep talking about the foods we will miss. I keep thinking about the conversations I will miss.

9. Ribs and Caesar salad and baked beans. 2015 Apsara Whole Cluster Syrah. 2003 Arnot-Roberts Syrah. 2015 Shared Notes Sauvignon Blanc. Prager Later Harvest Riesling with a small slice of blueberry pie. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a dinner like this.

10. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Six

1. When sleeping in is waking up at 6am.

2. I lay there in the dark and listen to him open and close cabinets and drawers, turn on the water for this shower.

3. Best to just get it done.

4. I tell him that this is the first Saturday in a long time that I had nothing to do. “Congratulations. Good for you for not scheduling a meeting or a photoshoot or a call. Good for you for saying ‘no’.”

5. Snickers.

6. I put together the details in my head. Start to tally up the numbers. I suppose I should talk to her about it first.

7. The squawk of the scrub jays. The rapid thuds of the woodpeckers. Airconditioners running. The echo of cars speeding down Silverado Trail. The clanking of metal.

8. It is a perfect night for a football game.

9. This is not how this should have ended.

10. I tell him that I’m trying to understand that that is their culture. They have a culture there that is different from ours. And that I don’t have to like it, but I’m trying to understand it. But in no way ever would I want to raise a child that took pleasure in someone else’s pain. How can there be any pride in that?

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Five

1. I wake up and think it’s Saturday. But then quickly remember that it is only Friday.

2. All black.

3. We run through the plan for the day. Who’s taking who where. At what times? We both have open gyms and she has practice. He gets out early. He has a meeting in the city. It would be easier if they could walk home.

4. I sit in the chair and stare out into the trees. He’s right. It will be hard for me to give this up. And the season is changing and what I want most is to root down and get cozy, not think about the next place. How much longer can we make this work?

5. Fruit day.

6. I see it on his face. He wants to know who changed the playlist.

7. Even more show up. There is talent here. There is potential. We care enough to make a difference.

8. Some things you can’t force.

9. He offers to clean the table for me so that I can wash my face and lay down.

10. Tomorrow really is Saturday.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Four

1. First time the alarm has gotten me up in a long time.

2. Pretty sure the wine is going to come out.

3. I toss around words but remember that it’s all about the feeling. Or, maybe we give too much credit to names.

4. I try to hold the mug so that too much coffee doesn’t spill on my jeans. I still don’t regret an open-top mug.

5. I stop and take it all in: the cool air, the gentle breeze, the color of the sunlight and the way it shines on the leaves, the sound of the forklift humming along.

6. Almost a migraine.

7. I needed these laughs.

8. Still thinking.

9. Impulse buy of snickers while in the checkout line.

10. “How long does it take to make a baby?” “Nine months. Though sometimes you can give birth early.” We hold in a laugh. He keeps sticking goldfish into his mouth.