Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. Not time yet.

2. Oh, no. Uncured bacon.

3. Gate still closed. We’re going to be late. I sip cold coffee and am grateful for the little stretch of road that is empty.

4. Could be worse.

5. The way the colors are so saturated after the rains. Everything feels like it’s pulsing with life. Lush.

6. Eight years ago. Look at us now.

7. Nothing but tail lights.

8. Each song a memory of middle school and high school. Long bus trips to and from places and these songs being the only ones the coach approved of.

9. The way the light is filtering through the persimmon tree.

10. She wants to race me. We do. I win. Still got it.

11. “Prepare to be stomped like a late harvest Gewurtztraminer.”

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. What is today?

2. I try to close the door without making a sound. At least the stairs aren’t too creaky.

3. The water is back but it is awfully brown. The ducks still seem happy.

4. Just a cold? But when was the last time we had colds? Before COVID. Before doing things.

5. No more cold soaks.

6. All of the earth is gone. That’s a good reason for a road closure.

7. “That’s the Mom in you.” We pass around the tray of Oreos.

8. Sometimes you complete a simple task and even though it is simple, you still feel really proud of yourself.

9. Google maps says it will take me 30 minutes to go 2.1 miles. This is going to be a long month.

10. We talk the entire ride home. I explain to him that we have to go all the way around to get home. We pass the light and he asks me where I’m going. “ALL the way around.”

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. These dreams. These dreams.

2. Cold feet. Warm slippers. The sound of my own feet shuffling on the slate tile.

3. Should I eat more? I should eat a little more.

4. But can we leave?

5. The cloud reminds me that it was 8 years ago that I made my first trip to California. The pictures are of golden hills and oaks and ivy at J winery. And here I am, now.

6. Watery yellow sunshine.

7. I stand at the top of the ladder and look through the roll-up at the glistening vineyard below.

8. Am I moving slow or is it just a lot of work? Maybe a little bit of both.

9. “See, homeschooling.”

10. But maybe it’s just because I am seeing everything with fresh eyes and so I have no preconceived ideas about capabilities. I think to myself that one’s inability to perform might be more about the person in charge of setting the conditions for performance.

11. Really miss walking around town.

12. Could be worse. Could be better.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. Still raining. Still raining. This is both a good thing and a bad thing.

2. Laundry.

3. All the veggies and the feta on a baking sheet. Hash browns and sausage on the stove top. I forget to turn on the coffee.

4. No one is here. Someone is always here.

5. Lights keep going out. This is going to be a long Sunday.

6. Pushing past the uncomfortableness of asking for help. Especially when it’s offered.

7. I say that I am confused and upset and angry and embarrassed.

8. High water.

9. ”I do a lot of thinking up there on the tanks,” I say.

10. Still raining.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. She’s already awake.

2. I put on the new jacket. It is light. It will be warm enough.

3. It is still so very dark. I have not had enough coffee yet. Something about driving at night time makes me drowsy. This is not a good thing. I keep looking for the first light of morning.

4. They’re still asleep.

5. I follow the curve and look for the statue. She shows me the chapel. We walk a path and squeeze through a gate and I feel like I am in the most peaceful place on Earth.

6. Okay. So this is just a teenager thing and I am not alone. We are not alone.

7. I curl up under a blanket and eat a salad and try to close my eyes and rest.

8. Probably best to wear the parka.

9. Long, cold, wet. And two losses.

10. But I really do need to go to sleep. Tomorrow already feels like a long day.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. More rain.

2. More things in less time.

3. The clouds look like cotton candy strung from mountain top to mountain top.

4. It’s easy when it’s beautiful.

5. Whoever made the PB & J today did not layer the peanut butter on both sides. It’s still a solid sandwich.

6. Productive. And that’s a good thing. There will be more of these.

7. I am off but on enough. Or maybe it’s just nerves.

8. This was a good choice.

9. She asks me what I want to do. I tell her I don’t know. I list a few of the opportunities in front of me. I am just staying open.

10. I do not like it but I’m glad they are comfortable enough to talk with me.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-One

1. The sound of rain.

2. The one thing about winter is having to get dressed in the dark.

3. He read the definition of “atmospheric river.” This is not the first time we’ve had one. It is good, but can also be bad.

4. Not an ideal way to start the day.

5. I’m always trying to beat my last time. But I don’t move faster; I try to move more efficiently.

6. Really could have used that new jacket this week.

7. How quickly the time passes.

8. They seem surprised by the news. I am not. They seem disappointed. I am not. They seem worried. I am not.

9. A quick stab of panic at the words.

10. Too sweet.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty

1. The sound of rain.

2. My feet are cold and I am happy about it because it means winter is coming.

3. A bowl of yogurt and walnuts and dried cranberries. Coffee. Water.

4. My hands are to the point where I can’t write for extended periods of time. I push through and finish the three pages.

5. Gratitude for awareness of my own faults.

6. Early enough for a stop. They’ve discontinued my favorite item. Certain items not available until the weekend. Not good.

7. Clouds cradling the mountain tops. Saturated and yet muted. Quiet.

8. All of the feelings all at once.

9. More rain.

10. Oh, Fox.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. Heater on.

2. Why do these feel so tight?

3. I make a batch of oatmeal and proceed to eat soup for breakfast instead.

4. Still lots of pleasure from a good iron.

5. Last day of fruit. I take a moment to take it in. The light. The yellowing of the leaves. The clear sky. The cool breeze. The quiet before the storm.

6. This is going to be a challenge.

7. “You’re going to come back after you put the kids to bed, right?”

8. I tell him I’m considering it.

9. “Tired, coach?” I tell her that I haven’t been in high school in almost twenty years. She makes a face. “Oh yeah, I’m old enough to be your mother. That’s why I’m out of shape.

10. Maybe ice cream.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Eight

1. Already awake.

2. But the wines were worth it.

3. Two bowls of soup.

4. This is the kind of light I live for. The clear yellow-gold of early morning sun. It only happens after it rains.

5. I cross this bridge so often now that I’m beginning to recognize the cars and the faces of the regulars.

6. Actually one of my favorite things to do.

7. The light is just so beautiful.

8. He asks me what I’m going to do after harvest is over. I hesitate. There is no straightforward answer.

9. I know this feeling.

10. The thing is that I had a feeling this would happen.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Seven

1. Goal: Comfort

2. Plain bagel with butter. Coffee.

3. The problem with sleeping in just a little bit is that you feel like you’ve lost your whole morning.

4. I explain to him the name and what it is and how it can expand.

5. Cold hands.

6. A gentle breeze blows through, scattering leaves from the persimmon tree.

7. New fact: people race pigeons.

8. We keep talking about the foods we will miss. I keep thinking about the conversations I will miss.

9. Ribs and Caesar salad and baked beans. 2015 Apsara Whole Cluster Syrah. 2003 Arnot-Roberts Syrah. 2015 Shared Notes Sauvignon Blanc. Prager Later Harvest Riesling with a small slice of blueberry pie. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a dinner like this.

10. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Six

1. When sleeping in is waking up at 6am.

2. I lay there in the dark and listen to him open and close cabinets and drawers, turn on the water for this shower.

3. Best to just get it done.

4. I tell him that this is the first Saturday in a long time that I had nothing to do. “Congratulations. Good for you for not scheduling a meeting or a photoshoot or a call. Good for you for saying ‘no’.”

5. Snickers.

6. I put together the details in my head. Start to tally up the numbers. I suppose I should talk to her about it first.

7. The squawk of the scrub jays. The rapid thuds of the woodpeckers. Airconditioners running. The echo of cars speeding down Silverado Trail. The clanking of metal.

8. It is a perfect night for a football game.

9. This is not how this should have ended.

10. I tell him that I’m trying to understand that that is their culture. They have a culture there that is different from ours. And that I don’t have to like it, but I’m trying to understand it. But in no way ever would I want to raise a child that took pleasure in someone else’s pain. How can there be any pride in that?

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Five

1. I wake up and think it’s Saturday. But then quickly remember that it is only Friday.

2. All black.

3. We run through the plan for the day. Who’s taking who where. At what times? We both have open gyms and she has practice. He gets out early. He has a meeting in the city. It would be easier if they could walk home.

4. I sit in the chair and stare out into the trees. He’s right. It will be hard for me to give this up. And the season is changing and what I want most is to root down and get cozy, not think about the next place. How much longer can we make this work?

5. Fruit day.

6. I see it on his face. He wants to know who changed the playlist.

7. Even more show up. There is talent here. There is potential. We care enough to make a difference.

8. Some things you can’t force.

9. He offers to clean the table for me so that I can wash my face and lay down.

10. Tomorrow really is Saturday.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Four

1. First time the alarm has gotten me up in a long time.

2. Pretty sure the wine is going to come out.

3. I toss around words but remember that it’s all about the feeling. Or, maybe we give too much credit to names.

4. I try to hold the mug so that too much coffee doesn’t spill on my jeans. I still don’t regret an open-top mug.

5. I stop and take it all in: the cool air, the gentle breeze, the color of the sunlight and the way it shines on the leaves, the sound of the forklift humming along.

6. Almost a migraine.

7. I needed these laughs.

8. Still thinking.

9. Impulse buy of snickers while in the checkout line.

10. “How long does it take to make a baby?” “Nine months. Though sometimes you can give birth early.” We hold in a laugh. He keeps sticking goldfish into his mouth.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. Always starts as soon as I wake.

2. First, make the coffee.

3. Jeans are still in the dryer so I put on shorts. I find my slippers. I had forgotten how cold the slate tiles get in the winter. I’m ready for winter.

4. Sending the universe mixed signals.

5. We ride silently and listen to the most recent episode of the podcast. Another one about aliens.

6. I don’t need to know what I’m doing.

7. Oh, boy. So much time has passed and so little has been done. I hate when I feel like I’m leaving them right when they need the most help.

8. Crumbs everywhere. Streaks on the countertop. Things on surfaces. Bathrooms not being clean. I tell him that I don’t want to tell him every little thing because then it will feel like too much. It is too much. “I’m just not used to not being able to keep my house the way I want. That is all.”

9. I stare out the window and let the cool air rush against my face. I like to ride along for these little trips in and out of town. “I just need the fresh air.” It’s thinking time. It’s time away from the things that need doing. It’s time for noticing things I’ve never noticed before. I sit in the car and watch the color of the sky change while we wait.

10. “I never say I’m the best because that would imply that I’ve been engaging in competition. I am the most me at all times.” - Kelis

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. The first thing I check is the alerts.

2. Back to school today. I always forget to wake the little one up early. But he usually needs the extra twenty minutes anyway.

3. For a moment, I am confused. Then I realize that I’m seeing the reflection of the sunrise in the window. Can a color be both intense and thin?

4. The deck is covered in debris. Not just leaves. Whole limbs of trees, moss ripped away from the bark, thin twigs, pine cones, pine needles. It reminds me of the aftermath of a hurricane.

5. I don’t know what we’re listening to but it reminds me of an episode of Poldark.

6. Every once in a while I am asked to do something that sends me into a quick panic because I have not done it yet. And none of it is particularly hard. I am just aware of this habit of wanting to do everything perfectly the first time. I just never want to make a mistake. But this is the whole point. I am here to learn and to make mistakes and to be reminded that there is no such thing as perfection - only the constant pursuit of your personal best.

7. Robin was right: there is something relaxing about being inside of the tank alone with your thoughts, protected from the outside.

8. PB & J always hits.

9. He tells me that there is a lot of good buzz about the girls’ basketball teams. That it’s good to have this kind of excitement.

10. What possessed me to think I was in full-court shape? We take it back down to half-court.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. Still so windy.

2. 4-something. Might as well start the day.

3. For the first time in a long time, it feels like there is room to breathe.

4. August 11.

5. The coolness of the leather chair. I try to un-numb my fingers using the warmth of the coffee cup.

6. I feel incredibly efficient today. Must have been the podcasts.

7. Fruit days are fast days.

8. The wind is so strong it almost carries the hammock over the deck railing.

9. Can’t stop looking at the fire alerts.

10. Dinner in the cellar. Gratitude.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-One

1. I know it’s almost time for me to get up.

2. But there is still enough time to make mixed-berry scones.

3. Raspberries are watery. Next time I need to account for the added moisture.

4. I start to say it but then hesitate. Because sometimes he’s just joking.

5. I try to make a plan of attack. If I plan properly, it should be easy. Right? Right.

6. All of this country music reminds me of high school in Missouri. And also, that one time that we had a line-dancing test in gym back in Maryland.

7. Red Flag Warning.

8. Ice cream cake after lunch. There is something so sweet about sitting under the persimmon tree together.

9. I am slow, but I try to be thorough.

10. He tells one last story. I imagine the Father’s large hand smacking the back of Anthony’s head. I imagine the sound of Anthony’s head slamming into the blackboard. I imagine Anthony's blood on the chalkboard. I imagine Anthony crying and cleaning the blood off of the board and trying to gather up enough composure to rewrite the number 5, in a normal size, like the Father asked the first time.

11. I come for stories like these.

12. Turkey burgers.

13. I do the trainings and I can’t decide if I am more nervous or more prepared. A combination of both.

14. I am sitting in the chair that faces the windows. Beyond the windows is nothing but darkness. Pitch black save a few squares of yellow-orange glows dotting the mountainsides - windows of the houses perched on the rocks above. I hear the wind blowing through the trees. It is loud. That sound used to remind me of the ocean waves. Now, it just sounds like fire.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty

1. In the dream, she has died and I am crying. But the cries are not just tears, they are more like wails. Dry, guttural wails. And gasps. I wake up.

2. I text her that I need five more minutes to make the coffee.

3. 6am calls where you remember that you are not alone in your feelings of things. And isn’t that the point of community: to not feel alone?

4. In downward dog, I glance underneath my armpit and see a large cream-colored bird on the branch. I bend awkwardly to see it more clearly. Most likely a hawk.

5. We sit in lotus and I watch the way the morning light casts a glow on the wood and fireplace. Sincere gratitude. I remember that we were not here this time last year.

6. They are delightful and we probably could have talked for two more hours. I am sad that I must go.

7. We accomplish a lot in 50-minute meeting.

8. I will never tire of exploring the landscape of this place.

9. Who knew he could punt?

10. “You have to come and coach in this place?” Yes.

11. “You look weird,” she says. I stop. I start to get angry. I look at her. I realize that I am staring at a little girl no more than four years old. I say nothing and continue toward the bathroom. When I exit the bathroom, someone above me yells “hey.” I am not looking forward to coming back here.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. 3:00 am. He didn’t finish his project.

2. Candles and quiet and trying to figure out what to make for breakfast.

3. Another.

4. I ping of sadness pulling up and not seeing any fruit on the vines. Could have sworn they were full yesterday.

5. I feel weak again today. I promise myself that I will slow down and take care. It’s not a race. But actually, it is. It’s a race against lunchtime.

6. Maybe it’s time to get them a phone after all.

7. “I need a whistle.”

8. “Do you go to PUC, too?” I laugh. I tell him I’m an adult. I have three kids. But I guess if I care about looking young, then it’s a compliment.

9. I keep quiet and observe. I put the pieces of the puzzle together.

10. We run through tomorrow’s schedule: call at 6am; yoga at 7:45am; coffee with the interns at 9:15am; meet client at 11 or 12; leave for the football game at 1:45pm. What are we eating for lunch and dinner?