Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty-Four

1. Birthday morning.

2. These mornings could be better.

3. Something is up but I can’t quite figure out what it is.

4. At least we’ve figured out how I can still do this: be with them on their way to school each day. That is something I am unwilling to give up.

5. Need more reps.

6. He says he wants Gott’s but I talk him into steak and a good bottle of wine to enjoy at home. That’s where we all want to be.

7. We stop and have wine after taking him to practice. Inside is one of the Gowan family members. Her cider will be on tap tomorrow. We talk about Anderson Valley and how much we love it up there.

8. “We have the power to co-create the world we want to live in.”

9. At dinner, she asks when we can go to Boonville again. “December, maybe. After harvest.” “What about your basketball schedule?” “Oh. Right.”

10. One of these days, I will get better at this.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty-Three

1. Still so sleepy.

2. He leaves for more coffee. How did we forget?

3. I needed these few minutes alone.

4. One tiny feather. A good sign. A good sign.

5. I take a few moments to take it all in before I get to the top of the hill. It is peaceful, still cool, but the color of the light is changing.

6. We taste through the fermenting lots from lowest brix to highest brix. He describes the vineyards as he pours: location, what it’s given him in the past, what its current state is telling him. He tells us that we will do this each week.

7. Sticky fingers.

8. There was no reason to rush.

9. By golly, he’s doing it.

10. A realization of new limitations. What if I can’t do it all anymore? What I don’t want to do it all anymore?

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty-Two

1. Not the same dream, but a good dream. Also one I want to remember.

2. But all I really want to do is write. Not the kind of writing I’ve been doing, but the kind of writing I really like to read.

3. “Action breeds clarity.”

4. Yeah. I should probably stop drinking coffee but I just bought another container of creamer. Okay. After the creamer is gone.

5. I laugh to myself.

6. It’s a little thing but an important thing.

7. She asks me if I’m balancing everything ok. “Barely hanging on by a thread,” I say.

8. I triple check everything and I still missed something.

9. I stare at myself in the mirror. I realize that this is growth: going into a new situation knowing that I will make a mistake and being okay with making that mistake. The first time in a long time I’m not beating myself up over making a mistake.

10. “Life is hard.”

11. “…Are we crazy?” “I like to say ‘romantic to a fault.’”

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty-One

1. I need to remember this dream. I repeat the details in my head over and over again. This could make for a good story.

2. I think about all of the writing I have not done. How she asked me what my routine is for writing these days. How I said that there is no routine. I just work from 6:00am to whenever I fall asleep.

3. Dark morning skies.

4. Out of oat milk creamer. I don’t think I’ve had enough coffee yet. Or maybe I’ve had too much already and that's why I’m yelling.

5. We come a different way and from this view, you can see a stretch of vineyards atop a plateau, bright green and glistening in the morning sun.

6. The one thing about all of the wineries I’ve worked at is that they are all so beautiful. And that makes a difference - having someplace so beautiful.

7. Clean and sitting in the sun while waiting for the children.

8. I ask how she does it. How is she doing the things she’s doing?

9. Lighting the candle.

10. The twists just don’t want to stay in.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty

1. He’s coughing again, this time in hus sleep.

2. Can’t fall back asleep.

3. Not ready.

4. Clear enough to see the sea. He asks me if I want him to pull over.

5. I sit quietly and stare out the window while I sip my coffee.

6. Yes. This is where I should be.

7. All the way to Knights Valley before he turns on the music.

8. Gratitude for help.

9. They are right. The best thing to do is keep quiet.

10. What next?

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Twenty-Nine

1. Up before everyone. Room-darkening blinds.

2. I try to listen for the rain they promised but don’t hear anything.

3. A sliver of lightt.

4. We stand outside in the rain and wait. Take of football and parent group and the town. She says she likes to keep.her meetings short. I say we're on the same page.

5. Belgian waffle with strawberries, double the whipped cream. Diner coffee is sometimes the best coffee.

6. Glimpses of the ocean through rain-streaked windows.

7. The weather is slowing down the time.

8. The words run through my mind more than once. I know what this is. I've been here before.

9. I watch him on the sidelines and wonder how he feels.

10. Under the tent in my parka. Two cup o’ noodles, water, and skittles for me. Deflections, defensive touchdown, and a win for him.

11. House full of kids. Pizza. Water. Wine. Laughter. Thuds. I'm glad I brought my slippers.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Twenty-Eight

1. So, so dark.

2. Sourdough toast, bacon, a scrambled egg, tall glass of orange juice, coffee. Quick work on the computer.

3. Every morning, right around this time, I start to feel my heart race. Probably the coffee.

4. In some ways, I will miss the two of us working together like this.

5. After the first two, I find my rhythm. I thank them for their help. He tells me he likes the way I do pumpovers: “You’re so clean.” Well, the tanks are clean but my pants are covered in wine.

6. I forget that there’s no nozzle on the hose and soak myself with hot water. The only thing I can do is laugh.

7. I laugh some more.

8. Conference call in the pick-up line.

9. A glimpse of sunset through the trees. Muted bands of orange and pink and blue layered behind rugged shadowy mountains and trees. “This is why we came here.”

10. The road twists and turns so much that I worry I will get carsick.

11. He admits that he was crying because he was scared we were going to run out of gas on the road.

12. Ice cream while we wait.

13. “It’s been a long day,” he says.

14. I ask him a question before realizing his eyes are closed.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Twenty-Seven

1. Mosquito buzzing near my ear.

2. A little too wrinkly.

3. Leftover vegetables with the breakfast sausage. Counting down the minutes until they all wake.

4. Supernatural.

5. The roll-up is down which means today will be a light day.

6. They say the song reminds them of a movie. I laugh to myself; I am old enough to have heard the song on the radio. Delilah, to be exact.

7. I roll the windows down and turn off the music. Just the sound of the air rushing through the car, the tires rolling over acorns and leaves, a leafblower.

8. I catch up on emails while sitting in the pickup line. He asks for the podcast with the scary stories.

9. His answer is always the same but so is my question.

10. Praise the leftovers.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Twenty-Six

1. A regular clothes day.

2. She’s already awake? Oh, yeah. Birthday pastries.

3. Half a blueberry muffin, coffee with oat milk creamer, water, a view. The clacking of my fingers on the keys in between bites and sips.

4. I think of the worst-case scenario. It is not ideal, but it is doable.

5. This is not sustainable.

6. A handful of friends are gathered at the top of the stairs and yell “happy birthday” as she exits the car. Someone has a gift. I am both curious and happy and uncomfortable.

7. Working in the car gives me headaches now. I look out the window and notice how much thicker the fog is on this side of the range. Sometimes the treetops poke through. Everything is shrouded in a milky haze.

8. She is now the easiest to shop for.

9. At the end of the meal, they bring her a toque signed by the kitchen staff.

10. Decisions need to be made.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Twenty-Five

1. Just barely enough sleep.

2. Cereal for them. V8 for me. Coffee with oat milk creamer. Tiny cup.

3. Life imitating art: the irony of me trying to take a call about the challenges of working mothers while also trying to wrangle the kids into the car to take them to school. Another real-life moment.

4. A familiar face that I’m happy to see.

5. I reread the pages on pumpovers while I wait for the car to fill up with gas.

6. I volunteer to rake so that I can stare out of the roll-top and take in the view of the vineyard and the hillsides in the distance.

7. A wave of sadness as I eat my sandwich. That feeling of stuckness, of not knowing what to do next.

8. I really want to get into these bins but I have to leave.

9. Unexpected space.

10. Too tired for ice cream.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. Back to the noises on the roof.

2. The quiet.

3. Everyone is still asleep as I pour my first cup. Pink streaks of clouds in the morning sky.

4. The light is good and I have things to say and so I lean the phone against the leg of the chair and try to capture what it is I am feeling.

5. Forgot to wear my nightguard. Can still open my mouth. Feels like a tiny miracle.

6. Just trust yourself.

7. I am not documenting enough.

8. I keep having visions of myself laying down, sprawled out on the floor, looking up at the ceiling. Everything is okay. I am just there in the quiet, not doing a thing.

9. More work and no sleep.

10. If I’m going to be awake in the middle of the night, at least I’m in a vineyard where the stars are bright and the air is cool.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. Still tired but up early.

2. Have I forever lost my ability to sleep in?

3. Blueberry bread for them, leftover garlic toast for me.

4. Just the three of us today. I like the quiet.

5. She asks me how I’m doing. I tell her that it’s meditative. And it is.

6. Soup and quesadillas for lunch. I am more hungry than I thought I would be. I should have had more than one garlic toast.

7. It’s hot in the sun, but not as hot as yesterday.

8. After I am done, we talk about the challenges of doing what we’re doing, even though we’re doing what we want to do. I am still shifting things around, trying to figure out what works best, and I still don’t have it figured out.

9. I tell him that I’m really tired. He says that he can tell. And at this moment, I feel a little bit better. To have it acknowledged by someone other than myself is a bit of a relief.

10. Is “this slaps” still a thing?

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. I want more sleep.

2. I try to do the time math in my head. Yes, if start now, I can be done before the game.

3. I don’t realize how tight all of my muscles are until we start to move. Even I am groaning today.

4. Fast fingers.

5. I tell her that I am dead. However, I tell her all the other things I am and that all together I feel like I should be dead.

6. The sun feels particularly unkind today.

7. Car show in this tiny downtown.

8. Can’t seem to get the offense going. 0-0 at the half.

9. Still can’t quite figure out tomorrow. I slide the last handful of skittles into my mouth.

10. I tell him that these Saturday night games are worse than the baseball night games and then I feel my eyes start to close.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Twenty-Three

1. Flashes of lighting. I check to see what time it is.

2. Loud thunder and then the sound of rain. Rain! I smile and try to go back to sleep.

3. Everything is wet. That is a very good thing.

4. It’s kind of like survivor guilt and I don’t really like this feeling.

5. Everything is changing. Nothing stays the same. What can I do to make it easier on myself?

6. Just enough time to shower before we go. I am still sweating. She is on the floor of my hallway helping the repairman fix the washing machine. When will I have time to clean the house the weekend? There will not be any time.

7. I can’t remember the last time I was in Oakland. I watch the landscape change. We cross over a bridge, the name of which I do not know. Below us water. Out across the horizon, shadow mountains and haze. Everything looks grey-blue, like an old black-and-white photo.

8. “I thought the tickets said no tailgating?”

9. Where did I go wrong?

10. Surrender to your truth.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Twenty-Two

1. Early to bed, early to rise.

2. Maybe not that early.

3. Losing grace.

4. Time slipping through my fingers. How do I make it slow down again? Breathe.

5. Things are humming.

6. I hop into the Sbin to find the pig. Grapes almost to my waist. I dig around with my hands. Grapes up to my biceps. But I find it.

7. “It’s a real-life moment. That’s all. Just a real-life moment,” I tell him. It probably doesn’t make him feel that much better.

8. I hop in and foot tread 4.5 tons before I go.

9. Right. Use clearer language.

10. Two baskets to the laundromat. We find a washer to hold it all and then walk to the grocery store and then grab a glass of wine while we wait. There are worse things.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Twenty-One

1. No. Not yet.

2. But I did it.

3. Done and done and done.

4. I stop and take a picture mainly because it really is such a beautiful place and I want to be here and that is a good thing.

5. I do it from memory and that makes me feel good.

6. I am a little embarrassed but I realize that the feeling is just insecurity, lack of confidence. Because I don’t want to mess up. Because maybe there was something I didn’t understand. But mostly I don’t want to mess up.

7. They say something about a job they had before where all they did was stand at a belt and sort. I laugh to myself. This is exactly what my mind is craving these days: repetitive work with my body

8. I am sweating and people seem concerned. “I’m okay. I just sweat easily,” I say. She brings me cold water. I stare out into the vineyard and think about the old house and the garden and how I wish I had another piece of land to work on.

9. I show him the tanks and the caves. “Can I work there when I’m fifteen or sixteen?” he asks.

10. So many things to say.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Twenty

1. Night sweats. Must mean it will be hot today.

2. Change in plans. Roll with it. There’s nothing you can do about it now.

3. I am early enough that I can sit in the car and finish up emails and posts and still be early for work. But I really need to figure out this new routine.

4. Brix and temp.

5. It’s better to be slow.

6. I pick leaves from the berries on the sorting table and try to write the article in my head. I think of everything that needs to be done. There is something meditative about this process. I forget to switch and make additions, but the other two have it covered.

7. Tacos and guac.

8. And….there it is. Right on cue. I laugh on the inside, but it’s more sad than funny.

9. I ask them for help. I tell them that I need them to go to their father more often for things. I am not home all day like I used to be. I tell them that there are many things happening right now and I just can’t remember. I need them to rely on their father. They seem to understand.

10. Thank goodness for leftovers.

11. I can do this. I’ve done it before.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Nineteen

1. That bird again?

2. Out of flour for the biscuits.

3. We laugh at how long the line is at 6-something in the morning. He asks me if I’m always up this early and what’s my name and if I live in town and what do I do. I answer all of his questions and he tells me they call him “Uncle Norm.” I don’t ask him what he does because I’ve gathered that he’s lived here for quite some time and he has a Gamble Family Vineyards hat on and a six-pack of Fetzer Chardonnay for the day’s festivities. He says he knows my new employer from one of the local churches. “Now that we’ve met, I’m sure I’ll see you all the time,” he says as we walk towards our cars.

4. Drop biscuits brushed with melted butter.

5. I should maybe come to the laundromat more often. It’s quiet in here.

6. Darioush. On the plate: Ossau-Itary, Mimolette, grapes, figs, pistachio butter, and dill micrgreens. In the glass: 2020 Viogner, 2018 Merlot, 2018 Cabernet Franc, 2018 Cabernet Sauvignon, 2018 Darius II.

7. BLT and water and truffle chips before the next stop. The sun is bright. I am still hot from moving the clothes in and out of the laundromat.

8. Frog’s Leap. He opens up a 1998 Merlot and we taste it side-by-side with the current release. There is no mistaking that these are relatives, “Uncle and nephew,” he says.

9. I thought I had more time.

10. I confess to her that I’m not sure I will survive these next 30 days. I’ve done it to myself.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Eighteen

1. Again.

2. Close eyes. Take a deep breath. Try to listen only to the sounds of the waves.

3. Grapefruit, hard-boiled eggs, sourdough toast, bacon, her homemade fig jam, coffee.

4. The irony of butter on my toast and oat milk in my coffee.

5. Guilty.

6. Biale.

7. Time.

8. Everything and nothing.

9. They don’t know what “Frazier” is. We laugh.

10. She finds the old phone and shows me a picture. We search through the rest of them while I make the cobbler. They are babies - 1 year, 3 years, 5 years. Funny faces. A game called “Huggies”.
    

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventeen

1. It’s probably only 4:00am and I should just close my eyes and try to go back to sleep.

2. Awake again. Still dark. Not yet 4:00.

3. I stare at the reflection of the streetlight in a puddle of water. Where did the water come from? Everything else is so dry.

4. No river, only bed.

5. She makes a joke and I laugh while trying to hold the pose, abs tight, legs quivering.

6. The day already feels long.

7. So hungry.

8. The hustle and bustle of harvest. We taste the lees from one of the barrels, eat a few chardonnay grapes, move in and out of the way of the forklifts.

9. Everything looks different.

10. I try to write the post in my head and pray that bits of it will stay there long enough for me to remember.

11. It took me over an hour but they are always worth it. Always.

12. Start over again tomorrow.