Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Nine

1. Today’s the day.

2. Plenty of time. Plenty of time.

3. “…But I find the sacred in almost everything…” - Luis Alberto Urrea

4. “We writers are the raw nerve of the universe. Our job is to go out and feel things for people, then to come back and tell them how it feels to be alive. Because they are numb. Because we have forgotten.”- Ursula Le Guin

5. Open mind. You’re allowed to make mistakes.

6. I stare out across the vineyards while I wait. There is a faint smell of smoke in the air. The fires are not close, and yet they are.

7. There is so much for which I am grateful.

8. I buy one wine I’ve had before and three new ones. I tell him we need to make time to drive down here more often. So much more variety. So many good values.

9. Cancelled practices.

10. “I like it when you’re in a good mood.”

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Eight

1. Heavy.

2. The first thing I think of is yesterday and all of the words and all of the feelings. Where do we go from here?

3. I take a sip of tea and tell him that I just needed a normal morning in my home.

4. Too many questions too early in the morning.

5. Three crows.

6. I take notes while she talks. This conversation is important and complex. How do we create a better support system for working mothers?

7. “Crow symbolism, as a totem, also deals with communication. Legend upon legend reveals crows have been consulted for wisdom in their avian speech. Do you speak in a way that is powerful, profound, but not always understood?”

8. “I am still really happy that we’re here. I’m really glad we live here.”

9. How do you tell the truth without compromising your opportunities?

10. The point is that they never gave up.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Seven

1. Not the normal sound for my alarm.

2. They’re already done. Well, at least I get a few more hours of sleep.

3. Mind racing. Can’t fall asleep.

4. I watch the color of the light change as the fog slowly lifts. Sometimes there’s just no capturing what the eye can see.

5. Light again. A problem. Maybe.

6. Back in time to take them to school. My favorite part of the morning these days.

7. “…details are everything.” - Jennifer Azzi

8. “The more you know yourself, the better you are.” J-O

9. “This is exactly what we are: human.” J-O

10. It feels tight in here. We've forgotten the vision. Maybe we're all just confused. Maybe we all want to be right. Maybe we all just need a break.

11. ”NIMBY, an acronym for "Not In My Backyard," describes the phenomenon in which residents of a neighbourhood designate a new development (e.g. shelter, affordable housing, group home) or change in occupancy of an existing development as inappropriate or unwanted for their local area.”

12. We are in the messy part of growth.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Six

1. Much better.

2. No one understands my sense of time.

3. I tell him that all was fine except for the loud shower.

4. Plain unsweetened yogurt and fruit and granola. I am not hungry but I eat all of it.

5. We sit and wait.

6. This feels like an easy answer.

7. He tells me to keep an open mind. I sigh and get out of the car.

8. Not so easy of a choice after all.

9. Garlic Naan. Sidewalk conversations.

10. Home.

11. A lot of socializing for one day. I am only half-listening as I make a mental list of all that needs to be done before the end of the day.

12. She made the pasta and the bread. I feel lucky. I tell her so before I head up to bed.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Five

1. 1:12am. 2:38am. 3:47am.

2. Maybe I’m missing the weighted blanket.

3. Everyone else is still sleeping. I stare at the phone and watch the time pass. Blackout curtains always do the trick.

4. Safeways for Lunchables. Model Bakery for breakfast. We eat the pastries in the car. It’s like being on vacation, but not.

5. So tired.

6. I’m pretty sure this Caesar dressing has mayonnaise in it.

7. Yeah, no more caffeine.

8. Head downstream.

9. The perfect breeze.

10. I look for the glowing tangerine behind the trees and watch as it reappears around the bend. Mountains that look like clouds. It all looks like a painting, like a dream.

11. All these emails.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Four

1. Slow to rise.

2. I look in my hand and realize that I have a beer and not a V8.

3. Catching up over coffee.

4. Never feels like there is enough time.

5. “Why do you think you get to make demands when I am the one paying?” A little smile crosses their face and then the frown returns.

6. Almost perfect.

7. I laugh at her reaction. It’s only for two days.

8. But this upside down peach cake with praline pecans.

9. Never enough time.

10. Adult table and kid table.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Three

1. I remember that she’s coming for yoga today.

2. Everything feels tight. I can barely touch my toes in forward fold. That never happens. I am gentle with myself, accepting whatever my body will give me today.

3. Soft gray light. The chirping of the birds. Just enough chill in the air to make you want to wrap your hands around something warm. Slippers on.

4. We sit together to work on the problems. I remember coordinates.

5. He commends me on my patience.

6. We watch the scrimmage. Hard for me not to yell and get excited. The woman beside me says something about our energy. I tell her that I coached his basketball team a few years ago and he’s acting like he can’t remember anything I taught him.

7. But team Space Jam is having fun.

8. More math before corralling the pads and uniforms for tonight’s games.

9. “I get pickier and pickier the older I get,” I say to him while half-heartedly eating the burger with a plastic knife and fork. “What are we going to do about dinners during football season. I can’t repeat what we did during baseball.”

10. This is going to be a long season.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Two

1. Morning meditation.

2. What you really are is love. Deviating away from that truth is what causes pain.

3. More and more woodpeckers.

4. Him in his jersey looking so much older than his age. And when has it ever been this easy to get him out of the door for school?

5. Familiar faces from far away.

6. I sit on a bench under the breezeway. It is quiet. I scroll through Pinterest while I wait, gather inspiration. I catch myself getting excited at the possibility of making something new. Your surroundings matter.

7. I reassure them that we are also so unsure. What is the right thing to do? None us really know.

8. Feels cooler than it should.

9. “Further, the symbolic meaning of woodpecker indicates a return to our roots, or having trust in our basic (gut) feelings. Dr. Carl Jung observed the woodpecker as a symbol of a return to the womb of creativity. In this observation the tree is symbolic of a womb; earthy, grounded, sturdy and secure. The woodpecker’s home within the tree is analogous of a fierce determination to return and protect that which is sacred to us.”

10. More champagne.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & One

1. Really can’t sleep in. Not even twenty extra minutes. Where did my morning go?

2. Half a cup of coffee. He says I should do the things that make me happy.

3. Another orange sun.

4. Always learning something new.

5. He talks about how the three fires in one week. How the helicopters shake his house. How he’s tired of it.

6. This is probably the most right choice.

7. Everything is sepia-toned.

8. Thick slice of focaccia dipped in olive oil.

9. I see little bits of ash still flying around but we’d all rather be outside.

10. But we don’t even know if we should be out anywhere doing anything. And yet we both needed this.

11. I believe in a lot of things and I really believe in her.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred

1. Still no power.

2. I lean the flashlight against the mirror to bounce the light around the bathroom. It’s enough to get me ready. Smart move to lay out all the clothes the night before so I wouldn’t have to search in the dark.

3. The hum of generators.

4. I plug the toaster into one of the surge protectors and find a stick of softened butter on the counter. No clean plates so I lay out the sliced bagels on the last cleanish napkin.

5. There is ash on the hood of the car.

6. “Is there power in town?” “I don’t know. Probably.” “If we buy a house, can it not be further up the mountain? Can it be in town? I don’t like having to do this.”

7. Pinot noir grapes up close. I miss learning about wine.

8. She reminds me that I can’t control what happens anyway. What is the worst-case scenario? Probably something I can handle. “You’ve got a good head on your shoulders,” she says. “You’ll find a way to navigate this. You already are.”

9. “This is the second time I’ve been left at school.”

10. We talk about empathy. How did we come to have it. Why don’t others have it. What are the conditions required to develop it. “I’m going to get a little spiritual and say it has something to do with being an old soul. We’ve been here enough times to understand and know.”

11. Can’t find my wallet.

12. Beef tacos. Gringo tacos, he calls them.

13. Nicolas Feuillatte Reserve Exclusive Brut while the sun sets. Because it’s a Wednesday and there are tiny but good things happening. We can see the light at the end.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Ninety-Nine

1. I push against his back to wake him.

2. Headlamps. Where are the headlamps? I remove my sweater. It's too warm for this many layers. Can't find the headlamps.

3. “What are you doing? It's almost 3am.”

4. Sixty minutes.

5. We make the school loop and then head down to pick up the cases.

6. Fog sitting below the smokey haze.

7. Quiet.

8. Leftover potatoes and vegetables for lunch. A few more hours before kids are home again.

9. “I don't have time to do anything.” I kind of like that.

10. Garage door won't open. “The power is out,” they say. I'd rather be without power that without water.

11. I tell him that the interesting thing about this is that life keeps on going. You can't just press pause.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Ninety-Eight

1. Monday morning.

2. Thick fog. Humid. Warmer than usual.

3. All comfort.

4. Banana bread with chocolate chips.

5. We drop off two and the head to the doctor’s office. It’s a quiet ride. I turn up Dua Lipa.

6. I look at the X-rays as she takes them. Nothing abnormal. Not surprised.

7. So freaking hot on the front porch.

8. Down the mountain. Up the mountain. Down the mountain.

9. I think she and I are thinking the same thing even though neither of us are saying it.

10. He doesn’t think I can do it.

11. Something tells me to look and see. Things have changed. A ping of sadness that we are no longer sharing these kinds of things—that we no longer share anything at all.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Ninety-Seven

1. Relief.

2. Just enough time to brew some decaf.

3. I start to drink the coffee and then realize I don’t like it very much at all.

4. I order the extra school supplies. I laugh at the $13 binder on her list.

5. Green juice and deep conversation outside while the little one is at camp. It doesn’t feel like enough time but it’s better than no time.

6. I rub his head and then have to shake the sweat off of my hand. “We didn’t stop moving.”

7. It just feels like it’s something that I should do. It wouldn’t be so full of synchronicity if it wasn’t right. Right?

8. I made it.

9. I somehow missed the memo that he doesn’t like potatoes.

10. Of course. There’s always one.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Ninety-Six

1. In this dream, someone has stolen my shoes from outside the front door. They are my only shoes. The only way for me to retrieve them is to play a weird game where I must chase after people in New York City. I am incredibly angry that someone has stolen my only pair of shoes.

2. In this dream, he and I and a few other wine people are visiting with the winemaker. We are gathered around him as he tells story after story. He gets tired and he goes to rest. We leave.

3. Heading down the valley to do our grocery shopping and seeing the hot air balloons dotting the skyline never gets old.

4. We wander slowly.

5. “Another feather,” I say. “Good signs,” I say. I find three in total.

6. I tell him I don’t want help because I am using this time to work out the problem in my head.

7. Sweat dripping down my face.

8. She’s calling to cancel her tasting because the friend she saw last week, the friend that is vaccinated, tested positive for COVID.

9. Satisfied.

10. Easy dinner on the grill. Bartholomew Estates Marsanne Roussanne blend.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Ninety-Five

1. I look toward the wall and see the light. They are already up. They always are.

2. Cleaning clothes.

3. I make only enough coffee for him.

4. Not enough time. How did I do this last year? Maybe I need to switch the days around.

5. I stare out over the vineyards and the houses. The car is quiet. “I’m really glad we live here,” I say to myself. “This is a beautiful place to live.”

6. Follow the good feeling.

7. We hug. I haven’t seen her all summer. She says that this is a really great place to live and that it’s better with us here. “I just said that earlier today - well, to myself,” I say.

8. “High school comes in five,” he says.

9. Neighborhood hangout. We are the youngest ones there and I still enjoy my time. There are a lot of Cheetos. I wonder if she thought kids would come.

10. This view. There are worse things.

11. “And then I couldn’t tell whether, after that, good things were happening because I was saying thank you, or they just — I was noticing them. But there is blessings in my curses, even today — I mean, every day.” - Kevin Kling, On Being Podcast

12. So much serendipity today.

13. If I said these things out loud, people would think I’m crazy. But I am seeing it all with my own eyes.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Ninety-Four

1. Is it today? It must be today.

2. Chewier and softer, they said. I add 50% more butter and 25% more sugar. This is not granola, more like a tuile, but whatever.

3. Tea time.

4. She looks cute. But it’s not cute. She looks grown. She’s growing up.

5. This mug does not fit in the cup holder. I start to ask her to hold it, but then see a vision of me heading down the switchback and her spilling it all over herself. I change my mind.

6. Another enthusiastic wave.

7. “Sunny came home to her favorite room / Sunny sat down in the kitchen / She opened a book and a box of tools / Sunny came home with a mission.”

8. Welp. Whatever. It’s only for a season.

9. Better.

10. Not better.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Ninety-Three

1. The downside of drinking a gallon of water a day.

2. Leftover blueberry cake.

3. A long time of saying nothing but art is what saves me.

4. First day.

5. I stand over him for 20 minutes. “You only use 25% of what you learn at school in life,” he says. “But what’s 25% of zero?” I say. He moves his legs from under the blanket.

6. I wave at him so hard. It was worth it after all.

7. “You we’re singing. You were happy after your phone call.”

8. Eyes going cross from staring at the screen.

9. If you don’t ask, you won’t know.

10. Blackberry frosé at the chamber mixer. Meet a few new faces. Win a gift card.

11. All the chocolate chip cookie dough is gone.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Ninety-Two

1. 4:32. Here we go again.

2. Maybe just a cake instead of muffins.

3. This is taking forever.

4. Shift in plans to take care of the thing I don’t want to take care of.

5. I tell her that it’s gotten even worse, that I could barely eat breakfast because my jaw keeps popping in and out of place.

6. I pause on the way down to take in the view: rows of green vines, large stainless steel tanks off in the distance (Beringer?), peaked barn roofs.

7. I really have no poker face.

8. Ultimately, sadness. A little bit of fear.

9. Go and find the ones that will make you smile.

10. I just don’t want to break any more of this tooth.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Ninety-One

1. Up before the alarm but not mad about it.

2. Water, water, water.

3. Revising the schedule.

4. I write that maybe I’ll stop doing this. I’ll just keep it to myself.

5. This is taking longer than I thought it would. Type, tab, enter. Tab, tab, tab, tab, tab, enter. Click. This is really a two-screen kind of situation.

6. A quiet walk.

7. I stand at the window and watch the butterfly glide and glide and glide. I feel the corners of my mouth turning up.

8. Western Tiger Swallowtail?

9. In today’s episode of night court, who ate all the Oreos?

10. Is there enough ice cream for me?

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Ninety

1. Quiet skies.

2. Hot tea and meal planning.

3. I am not the only one waiting for the doors to open. Headphones in my ears. Move slowly.

4. Wait and wait and wait. The woman in my ears is talking about being in on an airplane in a holding pattern above the clouds and waiting for this green flash that sometimes occurs when the sun sets. So choose to look for magic.

5. I do feel better after the walk.

6. I did it. I got a smile.

7. Leftovers for lunch.

8. This could become my new favorite spot.

9. Always one of my favorite hours of the week.

10. I tell him that my jaw is jacked up. He agrees. This whole entire year it’s gotten worse and worse.