Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty-Nine

1. How much of this is fog and how much of this is smoke?

2. Slow start to the morning. More water and hot tea. Laundry while we wait.

3. I don’t think she’s coming.

4. He only wants one kind of shoe. “Not in my budget,” I say. “Can I have this hoodie?” “Nope. Not until you can follow the rules about wearing hoodies in school,” I say. He walks out of the store. This is thirteen.

5. Things are more normal at lunch. Though I am too tired to say much.

6. Cobbler first. Then the chimichurri. Boil the potatoes. Fry the onions. Get the focaccia dough started. Chop all the herbs.

7. I tell him that I miss cooking. I miss feeling as though I had the time to cook a good meal.

8. I keep thinking of how she wrote to me that I often write about being tired. I think of how I keep taking blood tests and quitting caffeine to try to fix this fatigue. It’s just me. I am the one making myself tired.

9. We all agree that we do not regret our move to this town.

10. This or something better.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty-Eight

1. We shouldn’t buy the house. I look over at the clock; it is 3am.

2. Another morning, another headache.

3. More jaw popping.

4. The squawking scrub jays. They flit from branch to branch shaking loose the dry pine needles.

5. I tell him about my first thought waking up. He does not disagree. Okay. We will stay.

6. I see the reflection of the sun in the window. It looks like neon tangerine. Oh, that’s not fog, it’s smoke.

7. She gives us permission to walk her to the gym, but then she see two of her friends and she’s just fine. She leaves us at the sidewalk, turns around one more time to wave goodbye.

8. OG donut.

9. “And we just moved last year. I don’t think I want to do it again,” I tell him. “And I know that the next place will not be exactly like this one, but this home is too good to leave for something like that.”

10. The air smells like smoke. I make a mental list of all the things I should have together and ready. Add air purifier to the list. Add more n95s to keep the cars well-stocked. Add more extension cords for the generator.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty-Seven

1. Every time I start to wake I feel the headache return. I turn off the alarm and close my eyes.

2. Grateful for the coolness of the air creeping in through the window.

3. Two coyotes. Remember to look that up.

4. I open the door and stare at her and then smile. And then laugh. Right. It’s Thursday.

5. I apologize for not being able to say the words. “I’m sorry, I have a headache. I can’t quite think,” I say. But one of us or both of us manage to get the words out.

6. The drive is long, but it goes quickly. I like it over on this side. The sky is still low, the air is still cool.

7. No one is wearing their mask in here, but I thought it was a mandate?

8. More and more my online life is becoming my real life and it’s mostly a really beautiful thing.

9. She’s just real and I like that.

10. I walk outside barefoot to get his water bottle and then remember that she said she saw rattlesnakes a few days ago and I realize that being barefoot outside is a really bad idea this time of year.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty-Six

1. Where’s my sweater?

2. Day two.

3. Keep the list short and realistic.

4. The fog is dense and low this morning. Moody and quiet. Feels like fall.

5. First, clean the garage. Second, set up the studio.

6. He stops and asks me if I’m making a movie. No, just experimenting. I watch more neighbors walk by. I keep on sing Dua Lipa.

7. Not entirely convinced.

8. Scared.

9. Not exactly the way I wanted it to be, but that’s not a bad thing.

10. When this is over, everything will be better.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty-Five

1. So sore. Sore from what?

2. Nettles instead of coffee.

3. Cool breezes. Still exhausted. Not sure why I’m so tired. Is it the swan making that honking sound?

4. Lunch in bed.

5. The feeling of needing to escape but unsure of how to do it and that’s when the panic sets in. No good choices are made in fear. Shift the stream of thought.

6. Where do I have power?

7. There is always an excuse.

8. We stand outside the gate and watch the end of practice. I tell him that I’m so tired and so sore. I just don’t feel well. “Stress,” he says.

9. We moved here a year ago. Been in this house a year. I still haven’t bought an extender for the duster.

10. Push through or surrender?

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty-Four

1. So quiet.

2. The rumble of the neighbor’s truck pulling away.

3. Little strip of pale light above the trees. The cawing of the crows.

4. Always so much paperwork. Find the documents, print everything, paper clip it together. Decide to leave the emergency contact blank.

5. I don’t think it’s my imagination that he looks older today.

6. Rib dinner plate with beans and coleslaw. The kids eat ice cream, the grown-ups drink water and talk.

7. They play on the playground for a bit before the Wiffle ball comes out. Boys versus girls. Softballers versus Baseballers. People sit on the benches and watch us play.

8. He asked for chicken parm for dinner and an ice cream cake. I move slowly. I’ve been non-stop since 6 am, I say. Let out a sigh. Bits of mozzarella cheese are stuck to the bottom of my feet.

9. “It was one of, if not the best, birthdays I’ve ever had.”

10. One day we will not have to talk about this anymore.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty-Three

1. The tickle of a breeze.

2. No. Maybe it’s still a good idea to pursue.

3. The thing about meeting someone for breakfast after 8 is that when you wake up at 5:30, you’ve already eaten by 6:30. Which would explain why I’m feeling particularly full these days: too many second breakfasts.

4. I send him the screenshot from her story. Sometimes we just need the reminder that it’s not our imaginations. This is a thing

5. Been driving by this place for years.

6. Yeah, we did do it. It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s been mostly worth it.

7. Power out. Since 9:45, they tell us. It’s been almost two hours. Good. It’s good to be bored.

8. We stop at the mart. Could still walk to get a cup of coffee or a sandwich and some chips. No pastries. No. This would just require a lot more planning.

9. I tell them that my youngest is will officially be double-digits tomorrow. But to make them feel even older, I will have two kids in middle school. Two. Even I can’t believe it.

10. Oh, shoot. I still need to make that ice cream cake.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty-Two

1. Sore sides. That’s right; we did some ab work yesterday.

2. Hot coffee in the small cup, more hot coffee in the to-go so that I can refill without having to go back downstairs.

3. Crows. Life magic; the mystery of creation; destiny, personal transformation, alchemy.

4. I make the meal plan as he drives us down the trail. My stomach starts to turn. So many bumps and curves.

5. Number one: No.

6. This one feels special. It could be the freshness of the white paint, the little bridges, the feeling of space. It feels good. Except for the water part.

7. We stand in the basement and ask them to score them on a scale of one to ten. The responses surprise me.

8. Ninety-three minutes later.

9. Are we rushing? Is it the best choice for right now? What makes the most sense? What feels right?

10. What feels easy isn’t always what is best.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty-One

1. Waiting for daybreak.

2. Where’s the small cup?

3. Waffle with melted butter and homemade fig jam.

4. New challenges. Breath. Focus. Only going as far as I want to go because Ease is a valid choice.

5. This feels good.

6. It feels extra quiet today. No chainsaws. That must be it.

7. White poppies.

8. I want to not feel the way I am feeling.

9. Hanger steak? Hanger steak. Gattinara. Potatoes. Brussel sprouts. We turn on the car and then watch the lights go out in the grocery store.

10. The power is out here, too. We put the groceries away and then walk to the post office. It is quiet. I hear the hum of their whole-house generator. A breeze blows through and dried pine needles fall in front of our feet. “Now it feels like fire season,” I say.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty

1. The days are getting shorter again.

2. More water.

3. Virtual book club. I love that we take it chapter by chapter. I love that, at least in this moment, it feels as though we are sitting together in a shared space.

4. I sit in the sun. A surprise encounter.

5. We pick the table toward the back in front of a wall of greenery.

6. We decide that we still get to celebrate.

7. Keep practicing non-attachment.

8. The coach keeps reminding the kids to go to be early, stay off the video games at night, drink lots of water. The boys are tired.

9. A wave of nostalgia at the setting sun and the sound of cleats on the pavement.

10. I take my time today because this is what I miss most. Arugula salad with peaches and goat cheese. Baked macaroni and cheese. Grilled pork tenderloin. 2018 Lioco Sonoma Coast Laguna Pinot Noir.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Nine

1. Coffee in the car.

2. A murder of hot air balloons. Can you call them that? A group of hot air balloons to the west. Maybe in this year of being brave I will finally put myself in one. Note to self: ask Chevonne.

3. The beauty and the light and the quiet.

4. “When you know
   That you're finally home
   And that long stretch of road
   Falls behind that light”

5. We are not all having the same experience.

6. Oy.

7. When you can’t remember if the last time you saw someone was on Zoom, Instagram, or in real life.

8. So hot. Two-for-one ice cream sale.

9. I catch him after practice and I hope that it isn’t weird, but I feel the need to thank him in person.

10. The conversation goes better than I thought it would.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Eight

1. Today.

2. Not enough sugar for muffins, but just enough for scones.

3. We run through the day because all of a sudden it seems like there is so much more to do today.

4. We ask her questions and then she asks us questions and then we learn something new that will make life easier for everyone.

5. They said it rained. I did not see it.

6. I listen to her talk. I’m trying to take notes but I’m distracted by the three butterflies that are fluttering by.

7. They are right. The place does have a feeling to it.

8. It really was one of the most interesting conversations I’ve had in a long time.

9. We don’t often see ourselves the way others see us.

10. No attachment.

11. So, so, so, so tired.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Seven

1. Chilly. I like it.

2. I think of how I told him that I’ve gotten used to the weight of the blanket and now I feel like I need another one on top of this one. And how we joked that I would probably squish myself to death because I’d always want more and more and more.

3. I am always wanting more.

4. She tells me to come park down by her Audi. But there are three of them in the driveway. I laugh.

5. These stories don’t match up. But they never do.

6. Hot in the sun. The fog burned off faster than I thought it would. Dusty boots. This is my happy place.

7. We make the drive to get white tees. “I wish there was a Target closer to us.” “Well, that’s small-town life, I guess.” “Or at least some kind of store where you could buy a shirt.” I laugh.

8. We chat with the owners of the pizza shop. They are going on vacation soon. We walk to Legit and get a glass of wine while the pizzas cook. We sit on the bench and drink the wine. “This is kind of what I imagined for us living here. I mean, all the hard things it took to get here…it was worth it.”

9. He's very talkative. That’s a good sign.

10. Coconut popsicle?

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Six

1. Up late again. Maybe I could get used to this? Maybe, I shouldn’t.

2. I tell him about the bad dream that woke me up. “It was going downhill real fast and I needed to get out of it.”

3. Leftover cobbler and coffee. I use restraint and forego the ice cream.

4. Hammock plus coffee plus journal.

5. The helicopters are back.

6. An opportunity for the right person. I am not the right person.

7. Forgot the tortillas.

8. A four-bottle night, she says.

9. ”Don’t start any lives, don’t take any lives.”

10. I’m sad. Usually I am the one doing the leaving.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. Slowly.

2. Can’t find my headphones.

3. Man, these triceps are burning today. Man, I really need these spiderwebs out of here.

4. We laugh about how they just don’t get it. That we know things can just work out.

5. I waited to answer the questions because I wanted to think more deeply about them. Maybe I’m thinking too hard.

6. Oh, there are other people on this list.

7. I remind myself that they will be back. That a year is long but also short. They will be back.

8. Hot but I refuse to go inside.

9. I read a poem and say a few words. I am rusty. It’s been too long.

10. I tell him that it was strange to be the one at the table with the most years under her belt. I am young, but also old.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Three

1. Still a little dark.

2. The soft gray light of these foggy mornings. The quiet.

3. Still so hungry.

4. I tell him about the video. I realize that I am still looking for outside validation for this personal experience. It doesn’t matter anymore. I know the truth.

5. The sound of chainsaws is like white noise these days.

6. The crash is so loud that all three of us appear from our separate spaces to look outside.

7. Golden strands of sap seeping from the open wounds of the trees.

8. Hammock. I bring both books. I remember that I told her I needed space to daydream. I position myself so that I am half in the sun, half in the shade.

9. Sometimes, all you can do is laugh.

10. The only person you can control is yourself.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. Which is more powerful?

2. Out of coffee.

3. Avocado toast and coffee in the sun. I like coming to this town because it reminds me of our life before this was our life.

4. She says things that I have already been thinking, but have not given voice to, and I take that as a sign.

5. Two days.

6. Lunch. Just the three of us. The teen is talking, too, and that make it an especially good time.

7. La Selva Sangiovese Bianca.

8. So tired. All of those late nights with baseball are finally catching up to me.

9. The busser overhears me say that I want the recipe for the crumble. He asks me if I’d like for him to ask the chef. He returns with a long slip of receipt paper with the handwritten recipe.

10. Fourteen years. Look how far we’ve come.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-One

1. What even is today?

2. He asks me what’s wrong. Oh, my clothes. I’m cleaning today.

3. He spots a fox.

4. I move slowly through each room, giggling at the podcast, wiping dust off the baseboards.

5. It’s cool in the shade. And quiet. I head out behind the vineyard to see if there’s anything worth capturing. There always is.

6. Why is this even happening?

7. Too much energy spent focusing on what is/was and not enough energy on a solution.

8. Laundry. Again.

9. I take a glass of wine and a book out to the hammock while he watches game 6. Gentle breeze. The caw of the crows. A butterfly floats by my face.

10. What you focus on expands.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy

1. Can I go back to sleep?

2. Too much light coming through the window. Must get up.

3. Morning meditation while brushing my teeth. I laugh to myself. I’m not even listening to the meditation because I’m already thinking about all of the things that need to be done. Maybe the mistake is trying to listen while brushing my teeth.

4. Dried flowers everywhere.

5. Dua Lipa and 90s R&B to get through the work.

6. I intended to hold it, but five minutes in, and I’ve completely lost it.

7. They do soft toss on the deck, which sounds like a broken window just waiting to happen.

8. Ceviche and chips and salsa and a Paloma before the game.

9. So close. So close. But it’s over. I have a headache from yelling.

10. But football starts on Monday.

11. Gosh, I really need to clean.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. No alarm.

2. I finish my multi-grain cheerios while she talks.

3. I sometimes get distracted by the beauty of her red hair.

4. All of this is easier right now and I’m so grateful for it.

5. I stop myself from making it harder than it needs to be.

6. Hammock. Journal. Water. The quiet.

7. Creamy spinach pasta. Baked salmon brushed with Salute Santé Lemon-infused Grapeseed Oil, sprinkled with dill. Short glass of Pinot Noir before we head to the game.

8. I stare out the window. Will this ever get old? I don’t think it will.

9. I might be more nervous than they are.

10. I miss the last three strikeouts while going to the bathroom. Another win. Back tomorrow.