Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Six

1. Up late again. Maybe I could get used to this? Maybe, I shouldn’t.

2. I tell him about the bad dream that woke me up. “It was going downhill real fast and I needed to get out of it.”

3. Leftover cobbler and coffee. I use restraint and forego the ice cream.

4. Hammock plus coffee plus journal.

5. The helicopters are back.

6. An opportunity for the right person. I am not the right person.

7. Forgot the tortillas.

8. A four-bottle night, she says.

9. ”Don’t start any lives, don’t take any lives.”

10. I’m sad. Usually I am the one doing the leaving.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. Slowly.

2. Can’t find my headphones.

3. Man, these triceps are burning today. Man, I really need these spiderwebs out of here.

4. We laugh about how they just don’t get it. That we know things can just work out.

5. I waited to answer the questions because I wanted to think more deeply about them. Maybe I’m thinking too hard.

6. Oh, there are other people on this list.

7. I remind myself that they will be back. That a year is long but also short. They will be back.

8. Hot but I refuse to go inside.

9. I read a poem and say a few words. I am rusty. It’s been too long.

10. I tell him that it was strange to be the one at the table with the most years under her belt. I am young, but also old.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Three

1. Still a little dark.

2. The soft gray light of these foggy mornings. The quiet.

3. Still so hungry.

4. I tell him about the video. I realize that I am still looking for outside validation for this personal experience. It doesn’t matter anymore. I know the truth.

5. The sound of chainsaws is like white noise these days.

6. The crash is so loud that all three of us appear from our separate spaces to look outside.

7. Golden strands of sap seeping from the open wounds of the trees.

8. Hammock. I bring both books. I remember that I told her I needed space to daydream. I position myself so that I am half in the sun, half in the shade.

9. Sometimes, all you can do is laugh.

10. The only person you can control is yourself.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. Which is more powerful?

2. Out of coffee.

3. Avocado toast and coffee in the sun. I like coming to this town because it reminds me of our life before this was our life.

4. She says things that I have already been thinking, but have not given voice to, and I take that as a sign.

5. Two days.

6. Lunch. Just the three of us. The teen is talking, too, and that make it an especially good time.

7. La Selva Sangiovese Bianca.

8. So tired. All of those late nights with baseball are finally catching up to me.

9. The busser overhears me say that I want the recipe for the crumble. He asks me if I’d like for him to ask the chef. He returns with a long slip of receipt paper with the handwritten recipe.

10. Fourteen years. Look how far we’ve come.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-One

1. What even is today?

2. He asks me what’s wrong. Oh, my clothes. I’m cleaning today.

3. He spots a fox.

4. I move slowly through each room, giggling at the podcast, wiping dust off the baseboards.

5. It’s cool in the shade. And quiet. I head out behind the vineyard to see if there’s anything worth capturing. There always is.

6. Why is this even happening?

7. Too much energy spent focusing on what is/was and not enough energy on a solution.

8. Laundry. Again.

9. I take a glass of wine and a book out to the hammock while he watches game 6. Gentle breeze. The caw of the crows. A butterfly floats by my face.

10. What you focus on expands.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy

1. Can I go back to sleep?

2. Too much light coming through the window. Must get up.

3. Morning meditation while brushing my teeth. I laugh to myself. I’m not even listening to the meditation because I’m already thinking about all of the things that need to be done. Maybe the mistake is trying to listen while brushing my teeth.

4. Dried flowers everywhere.

5. Dua Lipa and 90s R&B to get through the work.

6. I intended to hold it, but five minutes in, and I’ve completely lost it.

7. They do soft toss on the deck, which sounds like a broken window just waiting to happen.

8. Ceviche and chips and salsa and a Paloma before the game.

9. So close. So close. But it’s over. I have a headache from yelling.

10. But football starts on Monday.

11. Gosh, I really need to clean.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. No alarm.

2. I finish my multi-grain cheerios while she talks.

3. I sometimes get distracted by the beauty of her red hair.

4. All of this is easier right now and I’m so grateful for it.

5. I stop myself from making it harder than it needs to be.

6. Hammock. Journal. Water. The quiet.

7. Creamy spinach pasta. Baked salmon brushed with Salute Santé Lemon-infused Grapeseed Oil, sprinkled with dill. Short glass of Pinot Noir before we head to the game.

8. I stare out the window. Will this ever get old? I don’t think it will.

9. I might be more nervous than they are.

10. I miss the last three strikeouts while going to the bathroom. Another win. Back tomorrow.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. Hungry tummy.

2. “The manifestation of my dream is slowing me down, so I’m going to go dream it a little more.”

3. So early.

4. I should be writing but instead I’m reading about writing.

5. The drive is quiet. I hear the click of my fingers on the keyboard, watch the shape of the horizon change.

6. Game time.

7. I think back to her question in the text yesterday: “No adult backlash to their silent protest?”

8. Bases loaded. Two outs. Hard hit out to left field. He got it. Game over. But I’m not mad about it. We can beat anyone. We can beat anyone.

9. Finished. Not perfect. But finished.

10. I sit and eat all the chips on the plate. Been a while since I felt out of place.

11. He shows us a footprint of a bear and then the capture from his cam. And then a capture of a mountain lion. They do exist.

12. It was a good idea to come after all.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. I crack open the door to let in the cool air and the sound of the birds.

2. Hot coffee.

3. There is much to be done that I don’t want to do. I recognize this phase. It is just Overwhelm. I’m the one that got myself here.

4. What needs to change?

5. Stretched and challenged.

6. One down, three more to go before the end of the month.

7. This feels harder than it should.

8. It’s like we’ve been friends for a really long time.

9. As they say, when it starts to feel too hard, just go take a nap.

10. “Remember, you have a choice about what conversations you are willing to have with others.” - Set Boundaries, Find Peace

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. 4:00am. I want to go back to sleep, but I know I won’t.

2. I missed the fog.

3. Today feels like a good day for a full pot of coffee.

4. Gratitude.

5. He says my poker face was really bad today.

6. Too many tacos, if that’s such a thing.

7. Boy, am I procrastinating today.

8. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited about today’s game.

9. We sit in the car, so I have wi-fi to keep writing, but then we just talk about hypothetical situations, and I do not reach the goal before the game, but maybe it was a fruitful conversation.

10. A win. A lost voice. Another late night.

11. After July, some things have to change.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. Last day. Not ready.

2. I stare at the thin strips of white light and wish for time to slow itself.

3. Contrast.

4. I drink the coffee slowly and make a mental list of what needs to be done.

5. I sit down in the sun and take off my sweater. I look around at the trees. I feel like I’m much further away from home than I really am, and I am grateful for that.

6. A picture of half-smiling pre-teens and one more round of hugs before we leave.

7. Knowing that you will see them again, most likely sooner than later.

8. One article outline and a solid rough draft complete before we get onto Jameson Canyon.

9. We always talk while I run my items through the check-out lane. She reminds me to slow down, to make time for those kinds of small and meaningful interactions.

10. We listen to my uncle’s live show on the way to batting practice. He asks me if that is his uncle too. Yes, of course. He asks if he’s famous. I laugh. In his circle, he is well-known and appreciated and he knows a lot of people who do amazing things.

11. I get there early to read. A breeze blowing through open windows. The thwack of a bat connecting with a ball. The sound of a whistle in the distance. Reminders to drink lots of water and to do not swim before the game.

12. Acknowledgment. Now, to work toward a resolution.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. Thin slice of morning light through the curtain.

2. Getting dressed in the dark.

3. The coffee is weak. We wait for him to wake so we can find something better.

4. Unexpectedly charming. Next time, we will spend more time here.

5. Hot sand.

6. The water is so cold.

7. I eat a pb & j. It brings me delight. I haven’t had one in at least ten years. I push the bread off the roof of my mouth with my tongue and stare out towards the water.

8. Time has slowed down.

9. I watch the waves, try to read the water, try to remember what its movements mean.

10. This is why I came here.

11. There is still so much fear. I don’t want to feel that anymore.

12. He wants to stay. I say that there isn’t time; he has more baseball and I have so much work to do. “Isn’t that what vacation days are for?” he asks. “It just doesn’t always work out that way,” I reply as he turns away.

13. Dinner cobbled together. Just enough to feel satisfied.

14. There is much work to be done. I try not to think about it.

Ten.One Thousand,Four Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. Up before sunrise.

2. Quick detour to Buttercream for coffee and donuts before we make our way. “This tastes like diner coffee,” I say. I’m not mad about it.

3. The kids are all asleep. I watch the colors of the landscape change as the sun rises.

4. Quiet.

5. I text her that I was today years old when I learned that the Donner party ended their journey in California. “I think I mixed it up with the Mormons,” I say. Learn something new every day.

6. My ears are popping. We agree that this reminds me of us of Colorado.

7. Familiar faces.

8. First bear sighting.

9. Happy Hour boat tour. Can’t get over how blue the water is. How beautiful the water is.

10. What is happening here?

11. Wine and cheese and figs and stories.

12. “Bear!” the kids yell from the hot tub.

13. Bear cub tries to open up our car door then moves to the neighbor’s house, ripping the screen, before he comes outside to tell him to get. The cub runs off into the distance.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. Early.

2. Breakfast sausage and hash browns. Who drank all the orange juice?

3. Facebook video chats with good friends. Both of us drinking coffee. Both of us entering new chapters.

4. So much laundry.

5. Never not in awe of the changing landscape.

6. So much beauty everywhere. Flowers. Chardonnay. Fleur Sauvage Meyer Lemon chocolate. Hog Island Oysters. More Chardonnay. Pinot Noir. Seeking shade. Great conversations.

7. More laundry.

8. More comfortable shoes this time.

9. I like it here. A lot.

10. So, so excited.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-One

1. Feels like a white jean kind of day.

2. What’s that big brown thing walking towards the road? I slow down. Cow! Big brown cow!

3. Ham and cheese croissant. Drip coffee. She tells me she used to be in orchestra in school, and a group of them are gathering today for a barbeque in Richmond. “Only 75 degrees there today.”

4. She glows even more in person than she does through the screen.

5. What happened here?

6. “You look different,” she says. I laugh to myself. It’s just my joy, I think.

7. So much beauty everywhere.

8. Craving Torres chips.

9. I miss them.

10. Just gonna ride the high of possibility.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty

1. It’s going to be hot today.

2. I open and close my mouth to get the jaw back in place. Maybe one day this will no longer be a thing.

3. He’s right. Lately, it’s been so much quieter.

4. I trace the ceiling with my hands and my eyes, lean so far back that I am blinded by the sun. I smile.

5. Maybe he is right. Maybe I am looking for the problems because I think I should be afraid. I think it shouldn’t work.

6. If it wasn’t right, I wouldn’t still be thinking about it.

7. Slow down.

8. Why am I giving this so much energy?

9. Summer heat. BLTs and melon and artichokes and potato salad and wine. And the mixture of gratitude and sadness.

10. What’s next?

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. What day is today?

2. Watching the sun come up over the ridge. Hot coffee in my hand. Blanket on my lap.

3. This one is the only one I ever see at breakfast.

4. How do I want to feel?

5. When you can’t create exactly what you want, what you’ve done is close enough, and you just have to move forward.

6. Coconut popsicle after I eat my salad.

7. Giggles. I watch it for the giggles.

8. So freaking hot.

9. A quick stop at the wine shop for Vivier and Brendel.

10. Yes. The best thing is that I feel free.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Eight

1. Phone buzzing at 4:00am. His Discord app. That’s odd; doesn’t seem like the kind of person to be sneaking game time this early or late.

2. Grateful that the trash comes later and later these days. Plenty of time to get the cans out since we can never remember to take them out the night before.

3. He questions my use of maple syrup on the maple sausage.

4. Scattered.

5. I think back to standing there beside her with hands in my pockets, her asking me what I do - what I really do - and I have no answer. “You’re an artist,” she says. Yes. Maybe? Yes.

6. Daydreams of flowy dresses.

7. He asks me what’s after my name. I am confused. Then he shows me his phone, pointing to my email signature. I explain that they are gender pronouns. That we’re trying our best to be inclusive and think about how we communicate that in even these small ways.

8. The best way to get your kid to clean their room is to tell them a friend is coming over.

9. They decide on Sushi from sunshine. We eat on the bleachers at the baseball field. It’s still only the first inning. It’s shaping up to be a good one.

10. I say that it’s because I wanted him to be outside and with people and not the video games. I tell her that it’s more of a community event. Or, at least it feels that way to me, today.

11. Torres Selecta Cured Cheese Premium Potato Chips.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Seven

1. 1,357/365 = 3.99

2. No coffee today on account of these mild anxiety attacks. We’ve been blaming them on stress and the caffeine.

3. I am the source of time.

4. Not a cloud in the sky. Watching the way the tops of the vines sway in the wind. Waiting.

5. I can feel my non-poker face showing.

6. Practicing the shift of language in real time. Often so easy to spend time talking about the problem. Let’s just focus on the solution based on the circumstances. What will work for today? When things change, we’ll shift again.

7. I take the longer way because it’s more beautiful.

8. The magic of virtual becoming real. Real presence in real time.

9. When they tell you your mac’n’cheese makes them feel like they’re at church.

10. “Walk by faith, not by sight.”

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Five

1. Birds are quiet today.

2. I take a cup of coffee and head outside for a quick walk. Finches hopping off deck railings.

3. Fog sitting on the crests of the mountains and hilltops. A thin strip of blue sky visible if you look hard enough.

4. My least talkative interview yet, but I think I got it.

5. How is it already July? How is next week already the middle of July? Have my children even read a book this summer? Why is it that things seem so much more complicated than ever?

6. But at least there is awareness here.

7. “It turns out I’ve been doing life wrong this entire time,” I say jokingly.

8. Hanger steak, salsa verde, grilled squash, garlic bread.

9. Or, I could think about nothing.

10. Only gratitude.