Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. Hungry tummy.

2. “The manifestation of my dream is slowing me down, so I’m going to go dream it a little more.”

3. So early.

4. I should be writing but instead I’m reading about writing.

5. The drive is quiet. I hear the click of my fingers on the keyboard, watch the shape of the horizon change.

6. Game time.

7. I think back to her question in the text yesterday: “No adult backlash to their silent protest?”

8. Bases loaded. Two outs. Hard hit out to left field. He got it. Game over. But I’m not mad about it. We can beat anyone. We can beat anyone.

9. Finished. Not perfect. But finished.

10. I sit and eat all the chips on the plate. Been a while since I felt out of place.

11. He shows us a footprint of a bear and then the capture from his cam. And then a capture of a mountain lion. They do exist.

12. It was a good idea to come after all.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. I crack open the door to let in the cool air and the sound of the birds.

2. Hot coffee.

3. There is much to be done that I don’t want to do. I recognize this phase. It is just Overwhelm. I’m the one that got myself here.

4. What needs to change?

5. Stretched and challenged.

6. One down, three more to go before the end of the month.

7. This feels harder than it should.

8. It’s like we’ve been friends for a really long time.

9. As they say, when it starts to feel too hard, just go take a nap.

10. “Remember, you have a choice about what conversations you are willing to have with others.” - Set Boundaries, Find Peace

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. 4:00am. I want to go back to sleep, but I know I won’t.

2. I missed the fog.

3. Today feels like a good day for a full pot of coffee.

4. Gratitude.

5. He says my poker face was really bad today.

6. Too many tacos, if that’s such a thing.

7. Boy, am I procrastinating today.

8. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited about today’s game.

9. We sit in the car, so I have wi-fi to keep writing, but then we just talk about hypothetical situations, and I do not reach the goal before the game, but maybe it was a fruitful conversation.

10. A win. A lost voice. Another late night.

11. After July, some things have to change.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. Last day. Not ready.

2. I stare at the thin strips of white light and wish for time to slow itself.

3. Contrast.

4. I drink the coffee slowly and make a mental list of what needs to be done.

5. I sit down in the sun and take off my sweater. I look around at the trees. I feel like I’m much further away from home than I really am, and I am grateful for that.

6. A picture of half-smiling pre-teens and one more round of hugs before we leave.

7. Knowing that you will see them again, most likely sooner than later.

8. One article outline and a solid rough draft complete before we get onto Jameson Canyon.

9. We always talk while I run my items through the check-out lane. She reminds me to slow down, to make time for those kinds of small and meaningful interactions.

10. We listen to my uncle’s live show on the way to batting practice. He asks me if that is his uncle too. Yes, of course. He asks if he’s famous. I laugh. In his circle, he is well-known and appreciated and he knows a lot of people who do amazing things.

11. I get there early to read. A breeze blowing through open windows. The thwack of a bat connecting with a ball. The sound of a whistle in the distance. Reminders to drink lots of water and to do not swim before the game.

12. Acknowledgment. Now, to work toward a resolution.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. Thin slice of morning light through the curtain.

2. Getting dressed in the dark.

3. The coffee is weak. We wait for him to wake so we can find something better.

4. Unexpectedly charming. Next time, we will spend more time here.

5. Hot sand.

6. The water is so cold.

7. I eat a pb & j. It brings me delight. I haven’t had one in at least ten years. I push the bread off the roof of my mouth with my tongue and stare out towards the water.

8. Time has slowed down.

9. I watch the waves, try to read the water, try to remember what its movements mean.

10. This is why I came here.

11. There is still so much fear. I don’t want to feel that anymore.

12. He wants to stay. I say that there isn’t time; he has more baseball and I have so much work to do. “Isn’t that what vacation days are for?” he asks. “It just doesn’t always work out that way,” I reply as he turns away.

13. Dinner cobbled together. Just enough to feel satisfied.

14. There is much work to be done. I try not to think about it.

Ten.One Thousand,Four Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. Up before sunrise.

2. Quick detour to Buttercream for coffee and donuts before we make our way. “This tastes like diner coffee,” I say. I’m not mad about it.

3. The kids are all asleep. I watch the colors of the landscape change as the sun rises.

4. Quiet.

5. I text her that I was today years old when I learned that the Donner party ended their journey in California. “I think I mixed it up with the Mormons,” I say. Learn something new every day.

6. My ears are popping. We agree that this reminds me of us of Colorado.

7. Familiar faces.

8. First bear sighting.

9. Happy Hour boat tour. Can’t get over how blue the water is. How beautiful the water is.

10. What is happening here?

11. Wine and cheese and figs and stories.

12. “Bear!” the kids yell from the hot tub.

13. Bear cub tries to open up our car door then moves to the neighbor’s house, ripping the screen, before he comes outside to tell him to get. The cub runs off into the distance.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. Early.

2. Breakfast sausage and hash browns. Who drank all the orange juice?

3. Facebook video chats with good friends. Both of us drinking coffee. Both of us entering new chapters.

4. So much laundry.

5. Never not in awe of the changing landscape.

6. So much beauty everywhere. Flowers. Chardonnay. Fleur Sauvage Meyer Lemon chocolate. Hog Island Oysters. More Chardonnay. Pinot Noir. Seeking shade. Great conversations.

7. More laundry.

8. More comfortable shoes this time.

9. I like it here. A lot.

10. So, so excited.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-One

1. Feels like a white jean kind of day.

2. What’s that big brown thing walking towards the road? I slow down. Cow! Big brown cow!

3. Ham and cheese croissant. Drip coffee. She tells me she used to be in orchestra in school, and a group of them are gathering today for a barbeque in Richmond. “Only 75 degrees there today.”

4. She glows even more in person than she does through the screen.

5. What happened here?

6. “You look different,” she says. I laugh to myself. It’s just my joy, I think.

7. So much beauty everywhere.

8. Craving Torres chips.

9. I miss them.

10. Just gonna ride the high of possibility.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty

1. It’s going to be hot today.

2. I open and close my mouth to get the jaw back in place. Maybe one day this will no longer be a thing.

3. He’s right. Lately, it’s been so much quieter.

4. I trace the ceiling with my hands and my eyes, lean so far back that I am blinded by the sun. I smile.

5. Maybe he is right. Maybe I am looking for the problems because I think I should be afraid. I think it shouldn’t work.

6. If it wasn’t right, I wouldn’t still be thinking about it.

7. Slow down.

8. Why am I giving this so much energy?

9. Summer heat. BLTs and melon and artichokes and potato salad and wine. And the mixture of gratitude and sadness.

10. What’s next?

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. What day is today?

2. Watching the sun come up over the ridge. Hot coffee in my hand. Blanket on my lap.

3. This one is the only one I ever see at breakfast.

4. How do I want to feel?

5. When you can’t create exactly what you want, what you’ve done is close enough, and you just have to move forward.

6. Coconut popsicle after I eat my salad.

7. Giggles. I watch it for the giggles.

8. So freaking hot.

9. A quick stop at the wine shop for Vivier and Brendel.

10. Yes. The best thing is that I feel free.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Eight

1. Phone buzzing at 4:00am. His Discord app. That’s odd; doesn’t seem like the kind of person to be sneaking game time this early or late.

2. Grateful that the trash comes later and later these days. Plenty of time to get the cans out since we can never remember to take them out the night before.

3. He questions my use of maple syrup on the maple sausage.

4. Scattered.

5. I think back to standing there beside her with hands in my pockets, her asking me what I do - what I really do - and I have no answer. “You’re an artist,” she says. Yes. Maybe? Yes.

6. Daydreams of flowy dresses.

7. He asks me what’s after my name. I am confused. Then he shows me his phone, pointing to my email signature. I explain that they are gender pronouns. That we’re trying our best to be inclusive and think about how we communicate that in even these small ways.

8. The best way to get your kid to clean their room is to tell them a friend is coming over.

9. They decide on Sushi from sunshine. We eat on the bleachers at the baseball field. It’s still only the first inning. It’s shaping up to be a good one.

10. I say that it’s because I wanted him to be outside and with people and not the video games. I tell her that it’s more of a community event. Or, at least it feels that way to me, today.

11. Torres Selecta Cured Cheese Premium Potato Chips.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Seven

1. 1,357/365 = 3.99

2. No coffee today on account of these mild anxiety attacks. We’ve been blaming them on stress and the caffeine.

3. I am the source of time.

4. Not a cloud in the sky. Watching the way the tops of the vines sway in the wind. Waiting.

5. I can feel my non-poker face showing.

6. Practicing the shift of language in real time. Often so easy to spend time talking about the problem. Let’s just focus on the solution based on the circumstances. What will work for today? When things change, we’ll shift again.

7. I take the longer way because it’s more beautiful.

8. The magic of virtual becoming real. Real presence in real time.

9. When they tell you your mac’n’cheese makes them feel like they’re at church.

10. “Walk by faith, not by sight.”

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Five

1. Birds are quiet today.

2. I take a cup of coffee and head outside for a quick walk. Finches hopping off deck railings.

3. Fog sitting on the crests of the mountains and hilltops. A thin strip of blue sky visible if you look hard enough.

4. My least talkative interview yet, but I think I got it.

5. How is it already July? How is next week already the middle of July? Have my children even read a book this summer? Why is it that things seem so much more complicated than ever?

6. But at least there is awareness here.

7. “It turns out I’ve been doing life wrong this entire time,” I say jokingly.

8. Hanger steak, salsa verde, grilled squash, garlic bread.

9. Or, I could think about nothing.

10. Only gratitude.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Four

1. Everything is still a little damp when I pull it out of the shower.

2. Baby turkeys in the open field.

3. We’re on our lucky field; the home team again. Let’s see if we can pull out another win.

4. “You should do it. You have a nice voice.” I sigh and then make my way up to the announcer’s box.

5. He hands me two pins. Now I feel official.

6. The last out on the plate. I start to tear up a little bit. All done. Everything over. Bittersweet.

7. Impromptu hangout.

8. Roses and tomatoes and berries, squash and melons and beans and okra. Pear and apple and fig trees. A garden of delights.

9. We grill the zucchini they gave us and add it to the salmon and salad. The perfect post-swim dinner.

10. What do I want to feel?

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. I actually do need to get up.

2. I leave early so that I have time to find the hat. I drive slowly down 29. She said by a cement drain thing before you get to Nickel & Nickel.

3. Found it! I get out of the car and walk down the shoulder and pick up the hat. I turn it over. Another kid’s name. I laugh. Well, at least I’ll make someone else happy today.

4. I decide to close the lid. There is enough room in here. I lean back into the water and let myself float. I close my eyes and breathe.

5. The hour goes by so fast.

6. Epsom salt crust behind my ears and under my chin because I didn’t fully rinse my braids.

7. I tell her how I told someone else that this season has been good for all of us because it’s made us feel more connected to this play in which we now live. I feel better about everything.

8. At the stop sign, I see he’s sent me a picture. It’s my son kneeling and one of his teammates kneeling with him, their arms around each other’s shoulders.

9. Season over. I wish it would have ended differently.

10. What will we do now?

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. Really needed one more hour.

2. I just really love these foggy mornings.

3. One day I’m going to get all of those spiderwebs out of the upper windows.

4. Everything feels easier today. I know why. Last week I was angry. This week I am not angry. It’s literally not in my body.

5. It’s almost been a year.

6. I throw off the blazer and grab my shoes as I head out of the door. Right on time.

7. Remember your audience.

8. I just laugh.

9. The thing is that they aren’t even that good. We just didn’t show up as ourselves today.

10. Yeah. I mean. It’s just all so beautiful.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-One

1. These quiet gray skies.

2. Out of coffee.

3. I grab my copy off the shelf and head upstairs to wait for her call. I’m just excited to see her face.

4. The best way to start the day.

5. I walk back and forth with my hands in my pocket. Why is the first answer always “no”?

6. I tick off the rest of the to-do list before we have to leave—tiny, easy things.

7. He asks me if we can listen to the Supernatural podcast, and I am proud that I’m raising kids who also love UFOs, ghosts, and the unexplained.

8. She’s not wrong.

9. Another nailbiter. Another win. But really, it would be nice to win a game without having to ride the emotional rollercoaster.

10. So many lessons to be gleaned from this experience.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty

1. In the dream, they walk up to me and grabs my hair, and just stands there staring at me. I look around at the people near us and yell, “You’re seeing this right?! You’re seeing this, right?!" I stand there and her hand is still grabbing my hair. I do it so that there’s plenty of proof that she touched me first. Then I shove her hard.

2. I try not to go back to sleep and slip back into it.

3. Ants.

4. I tell him the dream. “It’s so obvious,” he says. “It’s not that hard to interpret.”

5. He looks so big in the passenger seat. So, so big.

6. The nurse and I start singing at the same time.

7. Trying.

8. The best part is when he’s trying to hide the smiles because he realizes that what he’s saying doesn’t make any sense.

9. I forget that I don’t have a key to the car but he happened to leave the windows down. I climb through and toss the baseball bag out the window.

10. I laugh to myself. Oh well.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. A Tuesday that feels like Monday.

2. Go slower. And even slower.

3. I wind up the snail and let it roll. I laugh out loud. A true delight.

4. She asks me why I’m concerned about making people upset by enforcing a boundary - why I’m worried about people thinking I am mean. I realize that as a child, at some point during all of those moves, being told that I was stuck up or rude. No. I was just an introvert. I was just quiet. I was just an observer. But cue trying to make sure you didn’t make anyone upset lest they think you were mean.

5. I tell her that the person doing the breaking up is always considered the bad guy.

6. But also, I have no patience for foolishness.

7. So hot in the sun.

8. The best $3 dollars I’ve ever spent.

9. I could be at home in front of my computer, or I could be here on the grass in the shade, watching baseball practice, drinking wine, talking about all of the things.

10. Should have gotten ice cream.

Ten. One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Eight

1. I don't like sleeping in as much as I thought I would.

2. Rush to deliver the croissants so I can get back to coffee and quiet.

3. Yes. Let's make it a beach day anyway.

4. Mountain peaks cradling ribbons of fog.

5. Hawk medicine.

6. How very Cancerian of me to spend a soupy morning at the ocean. We put the two chairs together and bundle up under the wool blanket. I close my eyes and listen to the waves.

7. There is another story waiting to be written.

8. I could stay in here all day looking at every little thing.

9. Fleetwood Mac.

10. I wanted a hit for my birthday, but I guess a short game is also a gift.

11. I still can’t get over these sunsets.

12. “…take courage and leap. Your sense of timing is perfect.”

13. “The power is you.”