Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Four

1. Everything is still a little damp when I pull it out of the shower.

2. Baby turkeys in the open field.

3. We’re on our lucky field; the home team again. Let’s see if we can pull out another win.

4. “You should do it. You have a nice voice.” I sigh and then make my way up to the announcer’s box.

5. He hands me two pins. Now I feel official.

6. The last out on the plate. I start to tear up a little bit. All done. Everything over. Bittersweet.

7. Impromptu hangout.

8. Roses and tomatoes and berries, squash and melons and beans and okra. Pear and apple and fig trees. A garden of delights.

9. We grill the zucchini they gave us and add it to the salmon and salad. The perfect post-swim dinner.

10. What do I want to feel?

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. I actually do need to get up.

2. I leave early so that I have time to find the hat. I drive slowly down 29. She said by a cement drain thing before you get to Nickel & Nickel.

3. Found it! I get out of the car and walk down the shoulder and pick up the hat. I turn it over. Another kid’s name. I laugh. Well, at least I’ll make someone else happy today.

4. I decide to close the lid. There is enough room in here. I lean back into the water and let myself float. I close my eyes and breathe.

5. The hour goes by so fast.

6. Epsom salt crust behind my ears and under my chin because I didn’t fully rinse my braids.

7. I tell her how I told someone else that this season has been good for all of us because it’s made us feel more connected to this play in which we now live. I feel better about everything.

8. At the stop sign, I see he’s sent me a picture. It’s my son kneeling and one of his teammates kneeling with him, their arms around each other’s shoulders.

9. Season over. I wish it would have ended differently.

10. What will we do now?

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. Really needed one more hour.

2. I just really love these foggy mornings.

3. One day I’m going to get all of those spiderwebs out of the upper windows.

4. Everything feels easier today. I know why. Last week I was angry. This week I am not angry. It’s literally not in my body.

5. It’s almost been a year.

6. I throw off the blazer and grab my shoes as I head out of the door. Right on time.

7. Remember your audience.

8. I just laugh.

9. The thing is that they aren’t even that good. We just didn’t show up as ourselves today.

10. Yeah. I mean. It’s just all so beautiful.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-One

1. These quiet gray skies.

2. Out of coffee.

3. I grab my copy off the shelf and head upstairs to wait for her call. I’m just excited to see her face.

4. The best way to start the day.

5. I walk back and forth with my hands in my pocket. Why is the first answer always “no”?

6. I tick off the rest of the to-do list before we have to leave—tiny, easy things.

7. He asks me if we can listen to the Supernatural podcast, and I am proud that I’m raising kids who also love UFOs, ghosts, and the unexplained.

8. She’s not wrong.

9. Another nailbiter. Another win. But really, it would be nice to win a game without having to ride the emotional rollercoaster.

10. So many lessons to be gleaned from this experience.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty

1. In the dream, they walk up to me and grabs my hair, and just stands there staring at me. I look around at the people near us and yell, “You’re seeing this right?! You’re seeing this, right?!" I stand there and her hand is still grabbing my hair. I do it so that there’s plenty of proof that she touched me first. Then I shove her hard.

2. I try not to go back to sleep and slip back into it.

3. Ants.

4. I tell him the dream. “It’s so obvious,” he says. “It’s not that hard to interpret.”

5. He looks so big in the passenger seat. So, so big.

6. The nurse and I start singing at the same time.

7. Trying.

8. The best part is when he’s trying to hide the smiles because he realizes that what he’s saying doesn’t make any sense.

9. I forget that I don’t have a key to the car but he happened to leave the windows down. I climb through and toss the baseball bag out the window.

10. I laugh to myself. Oh well.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. A Tuesday that feels like Monday.

2. Go slower. And even slower.

3. I wind up the snail and let it roll. I laugh out loud. A true delight.

4. She asks me why I’m concerned about making people upset by enforcing a boundary - why I’m worried about people thinking I am mean. I realize that as a child, at some point during all of those moves, being told that I was stuck up or rude. No. I was just an introvert. I was just quiet. I was just an observer. But cue trying to make sure you didn’t make anyone upset lest they think you were mean.

5. I tell her that the person doing the breaking up is always considered the bad guy.

6. But also, I have no patience for foolishness.

7. So hot in the sun.

8. The best $3 dollars I’ve ever spent.

9. I could be at home in front of my computer, or I could be here on the grass in the shade, watching baseball practice, drinking wine, talking about all of the things.

10. Should have gotten ice cream.

Ten. One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Eight

1. I don't like sleeping in as much as I thought I would.

2. Rush to deliver the croissants so I can get back to coffee and quiet.

3. Yes. Let's make it a beach day anyway.

4. Mountain peaks cradling ribbons of fog.

5. Hawk medicine.

6. How very Cancerian of me to spend a soupy morning at the ocean. We put the two chairs together and bundle up under the wool blanket. I close my eyes and listen to the waves.

7. There is another story waiting to be written.

8. I could stay in here all day looking at every little thing.

9. Fleetwood Mac.

10. I wanted a hit for my birthday, but I guess a short game is also a gift.

11. I still can’t get over these sunsets.

12. “…take courage and leap. Your sense of timing is perfect.”

13. “The power is you.”

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Seven

1. Knowing that today isn’t the last day of my weekend.

2. I write out what must be done and what I would like to do.

3. Forgot to put clean sheets on his bed.

4. Liquid time.

5. Everyone wants to eat tonight’s dinner for their lunch. The smell of sausage and tomatoes - “it smells like pizza.”

6. He says he’s surprised by how long I’m staying here. There is potential. It is not pretty, but I am trying to use my imagination to see what’s possible. So much is possible.

7. Hammock time. One book. Two jars of water. No sound but the birds.

8. It might not be the one, but maybe it could be.

9. “We’ve got our own Kapernick in the family.”

10. Crawfish boil. Cool breezes. Good wine. Laughs. Boysenberry pie and ice cream to celebrate.

Ten. One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Six

1. I check the phone to make sure we haven’t slept in too much.

2. More chainsaw work. Trees crashing. At least it’s not 5:30am.

3. Sap on my heels. Should really wear shoes out here.

4. Envisioning Future Self. Who is she? What does she do? What does she look like? Where does she live? How does she make her life?

5. What needs to change?

6. She tells me that she’ll be mad at me if I don’t sign up for the next writing class. I feel like I have no time. But maybe I will now that things are changing.

7. Red, white, and blue eye block once he gets to the field. They’re all so cute in their uniforms. Beautiful day for a game.

8. Laso. Bodkin Sauvignon Blanc, potato and leek soup for him, Pakora, pork belly, Brussels sprouts, mussel curry. A hidden gem in American Canyon.

9. An eleven-run rally to win the game.

10. But did they leave any ice cream for me?

Ten. One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Five

1. These birds are the best alarm.

2. Yes to demanding Joy.

3. I can feel the heat of anger in my body and I don’t know why. Why am I angry? What is the true source of this? How do I get rid of it?

4. A power yoga kind of day and it’s been a long time since I’ve felt this weak.

5. We have the same birthday.

6. We always joke that I have no poker face. I really don’t and it’s becoming more and more of a problem.

7. Last-minute late-night dinner plans are the best.

8. You get out of the car and you feel like you can just breathe.

9. Their home feels like them: sweet and easy and unassuming and practical but with a certain level of taste. It’s a place you kind of don’t want to leave.

10. It’s a feeling I’ve been chasing and trying to recreate but haven’t yet been able to. Maybe I just need to relax.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Four

1. He says it still seems so dark. I tell him that the fog is hanging low this morning.

2. I want to climb back under the covers like the kids do on mornings like these.

3. Coffee.

4. The energy in here is buzzing but not in a good way.

5. I comb through images trying to select the perfect ones. There are too many to choose from, too many I love.

6. The only thing about this place is that everyone is too cool to smile.

7. I find a place in the sun and finish up some work. Birds bounce around on the deck. The sound of leaf blowers. Nail gun. A man singing in the distance.

8. I have to stop letting these interactions make me angry.

9. “I can have compassion for you and still choose to not be harmed by you as you continue on your journey to grow and learn.”

10. Just the four of us sitting in dappled light overlooking Stags Leap, talking and talking and losing track of time. It’s so peaceful. I don’t want to leave.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Three

1. Is that the chainsaw again? It’s just past 5:30. You’ve got to be kidding me. I want to run around in the woods in my robe and shake my fist.

2. Cracking crashes of trees.

3. Pen and paper always.

4. I decide to not get too technical in my notes. I keep it simple. Do I like the nose? Do I like the texture? Which one has acid? Do I think it tastes good?

5. We stop for hot dogs at Kelly’s on our way home from camp. I tell her that I need to keep talking with the locals and finding out the hidden gems.

6. I ask the question and try to ask it nonchalantly.

7. But I’m not bluffing.

8. She takes me on a walk while the boys practice. I remember now why we moved here. I came for the beauty and the quiet and the way the setting sun casts its glow over everything.

9. We sit on the bench. She asks who’s up. It’s my son but the app is paused. Nothing is happening. He hit a home run!

10. I tell him that if he was old enough to drink I would have sprayed him with champagne.

11. But it’s not about the home run. It’s seeing what you know is on the inside finally reveal itself to the world. And that smile.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Two

1. Loud frogs.

2. Still quiet. Soft light. Enough time for me to curl up in the leather chair and write.

3. But really, I could listen to Elaine and Julia talk all day.

4. Mind is blown over this conversation about grapeseed oil.

5. Focus changes everything.

6. I clean the kitchen because I know I will be too tired to do it when we get back from the game. I should have gone for a walk instead.

7. We watch the map turn red, and the minutes creep up. We’re going to miss the start of the game. I lean back in my seat and thank God that I don’t have to do this every day. How do people do this every day? I’ll stick to my tiny town and 25 miles per hour, thank you very much.

8. “It looks like the desert,” she says—all brown except for those small patches of green. The small patches of green are small vineyard blocks and oak trees.

9. I don’t have a good feeling about this.

10. The drive home is faster and more beautiful due to the golden light from the setting sun. But so much quieter. No one likes to lose.

11. “Doc Rivers said it last night: ‘The pain of losing can motivate you to win. But the will to win has to be stronger than the pain of losing.’”

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Two

1. Grateful for the cool air.

2. Remembering that I don’t have to get up just yet. I slink beneath the blankets again and close my eyes.

3. Last little bit of cereal before I drink the coffee.

4. Sunlight slipping through the clouds.

5. I drive him down to the field for camp and try to keep my eyes on the road but I keep wanting to look east toward the ridge. The mountains look like shadowy ghosts and the light is yellow and thin and it almost looks like a dream.

6. “Wait, I’m not registered?” “Don’t worry about it. I got it.”

7. Slow.

8. Not again.

9. Ah, see. The universe will sometimes present you with something that is almost the right thing but isn’t exactly the thing. It’s a test. Get quiet. Is it what you really want?

10. All the wires are crossed.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-One

1. An odd series of dreams.

2. Gray skies. Fog hanging low. A welcomed sight. Has me wishing for winter.

3. A quiet drive down to the floor for pastries. The colors of the morning: muted greens and browns against the white-gray skies. Sixty degrees.

4. She is the only patron without a mask on. This is going to be a weird transition back to “normal.”

5. A break in the fog. Glistening green vines. This is not so bad. This is not bad at all.

6. A familiar face in the grocery store. It is sinking in that this is home.

7. I tell her that I appreciate how much she cheers for all of the kids. She knows every name and is at every game. She has my mother’s name. It is nice to put a face to the voice.

8. They say it’s best not to get too excited. This little town doesn’t really get very far, but maybe they haven’t watched enough ESPN to know that miracles happen on a field. Sometimes, it’s just about timing and serendipity. Anything can happen.

9. Another win.

10. We relocate the beers and bellinis and fried chicken to the other side of the field, settle back into the chairs, and watch the next game.

11. He is not wrong. It is a heart change, and that change of heart isn’t going to come from education.

12. As I say it out loud, I think to myself, “I’m not exactly sure if it’s going to work, but I’m not going to freak myself out about it.” Life will find a way.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty

1. That was a good night of rest. Could it have been the blanket?

2. I say I’m not going to drink, but I drink it anyway. I’m going to stop telling myself that I’m not going to drink it anymore.

3. Cote said to think about adding in the things you want, and then, slowly, the things you don’t want will fall away.

4. Juneteenth.

5. We put our blanket down underneath the tree. I like it here. I’m glad we have the early game before the afternoon heat kicks in.

6. Beers and baseball talk and kid talk and shared philosophies.

7. The good things take time.

8. A win.

9. Under the weighted blanket for another nap. We both agree that the first night of sleep was exceptional. Will it continue?

10. We’re both so tired. “The heat,” I say. “And life.”

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Nine

1. Still early.

2. Another loud morning on the roof. I wonder what they are up to today. I wonder when I will figure out who “they” are.

3. Can already feel the heat.

4. It’s more like hot yoga today. I keep twisting into the sun, feeling its warmth on my face. The light behind my eyes turns bright orange.

5. Internet down.

6. I keep worrying that I’m going to miss something. And then I remind myself that nothing is really that urgent.

7. Still no birth certificate.

8. Still no internet.

9. “That’s a nice idea,” I say. He says he realized that he has to put some work into making friends, too. “Funny. We just talked about that last night. Developing friendships takes effort and intention. Like dating…it goes both ways.”

10. I climb under the weighted blanket for a bit of respite before dinner.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Eight

1. The audacity. I know that this is the coolest part of the day, but how rude of you, whoever you are, running a chainsaw at 5am.

2. The thing or things that live on the roof above the bathroom are extra loud this morning. Maybe it was the chainsaw.

3. But at least I get a few more minutes alone.

4. I open the sliding glass doors to see if the air is just a little cooler. It is, but not by much.

5. Obviously a tourist.

6. Rescinding the invitation.

7. There is potential here, and it feels exciting.

8. Why do the dental techs talk to you as if you are free to have a conversation with them as they dig around in your mouth and scrape your teeth? Also, should we maybe not ask people about pandemic job loss or fires? Let me just look at the big fir tree.

9. I try to look composed. I decide it doesn’t matter. Make-up free with PMS breakout skin and fading eyebrows.

10. I decide to say the number out loud because women don’t talk numbers, and I need to change that for at least myself. And because I really want it, and if I can’t say it out loud, then how am I supposed to get it?

11. I feel that pang of not-enoughness, of lesser-than, of shame. I quickly remind myself that my story is my own, and I have achieved things because of and despite those things.

12. Suddenly it is 10:30pm, and I am up way past my bedtime, yet I find I don’t want to go.

13. Yes. More of this, please.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Seven

1. In the dream, a baby, maybe a year or so old, cuddles up beside me in the bed and says, “good grape.”

2. Yes. It’s going to be a hot one. Can already tell.

3. No one is eating breakfast.

4. Everything is a practice.

5. What is my role in this? Is it really my responsibility?

6. I think of how he says how much he likes seeing me have my camera out in the morning. He knows it brings me joy. I know it brings me joy.

7. He picks out bits of flowers and leaves that are still stuck in my hair.

8. At the end of the day, it’s just freedom that I crave. But don’t we all?

9. We sit in the car and talk. We are very much alike, he and I: long-legged and short-torsoed, emotional but quiet, brooding, sometimes difficult to please, deep thinker.

10. Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. He talks about how someone at the top decided to save five cents on each unit to help their bottom line therefore giving us cardboard containers that collapse in our hand while trying to scoop out the ice cream.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Six

1. No sounds of waves, only the birds from outside.

2. No coffee.

3. My day for drop-off. Someone has realized they’ve forgotten something. “You owe your dad big.” “Not really. He owes me big, too.”

4. “You’ve got quite a crowd here. You’re doing this every day?” “No, we’re taking turns. But yes, five kids is a lot.”

5. “What’s the opposite of a miracle?”

6. One of those days when no thought is complete.

7. While I wait, I take a moment to seek out some delight: the flowers, the tall grasses blowing in the breeze, the sky, vine patterns on the hillsides.

8. 100 degrees in the sun.

9. “One question…” To be fair, he only ever asks one question at a time. But he says the phrase so many times that it feels like he’s only ever asking questions. Twenty questions a day.

10. I am afraid I won’t be able to fall asleep.