Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Five

1. Birds are much louder today.

2. How many more times will I walk by this box without opening it?

3. She asked for the blueberry muffins today. They smell good.

4. These flowers though.

5. He wakes up on his own. That’s a good sign. That means he’s excited.

6. I make a mistake. I hate that I made it. I hate making any kind of mistake, but I especially hate this kind because I care. But this is what happens when you rush. But I just accept it with grace and move forward.

7. She unwraps the velvet. We add the typewriter and my journals, the dried eucalyptus, an artichoke, and crystals. Now, it’s a scene.

8. I almost forget about the call.

9. But will they even understand it?

10. My phone thinks the only places I go are the baseball fields and the Safeway.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Four

1. The birds are quieter today. Oh wait, the window is closed.

2. “Do you want coffee?” “No.” “No?” “Yes. Yes, coffee.”

3. Coffeecake from a box. I clean while it bakes. Kids still asleep. Early but it feels late. The start to a long day.

4. Oh yeah, basketball camp starts tomorrow.

5. Why didn’t I think of this years ago? “Sommer Camp,” I laugh to myself.

6. Laundry. Laundry.

7. He asks if the stories are true. I say they’re based on facts but still a mystery. But that’s not the same thing as saying they’re true.

8. So quiet today. No jackhammers. No saws. No leafblowers.

9. And just like that, they day is done.

10. Mango popsicle.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Three

1. Warmer this morning. A clue for what the rest of the day will feel like.

2. We woke up worried about different things that are really about the same thing.

3. He waves to us from the window. Of course, he’s awake.

4. She tells us that she is tired today, that she almost overslept. I tell her that I hope the rest of her day goes quickly so that she can get some rest.

5. “When our eyes are graced with wonder, the world reveals its wonders to us. There are people who see only dullness in the world and that is because their eyes have already been dulled. So much depends on how we look at things. The quality of our looking determines what we come to see.” - John O’Donohue, Beauty: The Invisible Embrace

6. I find come crushed flowers and a key, an image of the sky and the tops of mountains, and glue them to the card. I miss doing these kinds of things.

7. Taking my own advice.

8. This “temporary” phase feels like it’s becoming permanent.

9. Last-minute baseball scrimmage.

10. I walk all the way to the park to use the restroom. I reach a grove of trees and under it are pockets of golden light from the setting sun. I make little clouds of dust as I walk across the sandy soil.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Two

1. Business on the top, party on the bottom.

2. The morning feels so much more spacious now.

3. This light. This light.

4. I miss my parents.

5. I almost fall asleep during savasana.

6. Everyone is from Sonoma. That is interesting. We buy shrubs, cherries, cheese, bread, and two huge bunches of flowers. It makes me miss the farmstands in Brentwood.

7. Everything she is saying. Yes, yes, yes.

8. “Hey. I read your post today and have a big sister message for you, It’s time! It’s time to do the work. Period.”

9. Discipline and strategy.

10. The feeling is Empathy.

11. I tell him that is the first time that I’ve felt a little nervous.

12. I ask him a question because I know he will have an answer for me. He always does.

13. “My choices are my own.”

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-One

1. Reminds me of mornings sleeping on the enclosed porch.

2. Still bummed that we won’t be there until August.

3. Right. Down to Groskopf. The bonus is seeing her.

4. Bright yellow dress. Bright purple hair. I could sit here for hours but we both have things we need to do.

5. Still waiting.

6. That sounds about right.

7. Scarfing down burgers and onion rings while waiting for them to get out of school. Finally done. No more worrying about not waking people up in time.

8. She almost hit that kid with her gigantic car.

9. Young woman in a black shirt and a black skirt. Tall black and white striped socks and black boots. Golden field behind her. Almost like a vision from a nightmare.

10. So tired. So tired. So tired.

11. Rosemary-Pear Shrub. Corn croquettes.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty

1. Cooler than yesterday. I don’t mind.

2. Make the coffee first. Do the dishes. Wipe down the countertops.

3. Am I still okay with this decision?

4. I remember that the cheapest place in town to get a cup of coffee is at the fancy market in town.

5. Bright sun. Light breeze. Clear sky. As he would say, “it’s always a beautiful day here.”

6. In all these years, no one has ever even offered him the opportunity? I am angry but not surprised.

7. He pours us samples from all of the tanks: Vine Hill Ranch, Beckstoffer To Kalon, Pure Magic, and Black Magic. That is special enough. But it’s the way he talks about the wines that is most special. This is an artist speaking. He anthropomorphizes the wines. He speaks of them as if they are people. It is mesmerizing. I want to try to remember everything he is saying, but I know I can’t because there are too many other things on my mind. “Wine is honest.”

8. We sit and each lunch with the bottling team and cellar crews: refried beans, rice, chicken, beef, chips, salsa, and guacamole. I pile everything onto my plate. It is uncharacteristic of me.

9. I hate the feeling of being late.

10. What day is it?

11. They are delightful. Our kind of people. The right ones. We are together for almost two hours, but it is worth it.

12. “It is time.”

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Nine

1. Big yawn. Soft light slipping through the slats. The birds are rather quiet this morning.

2. The sputter of the coffee machine.

3. Gratitude.

4. I tell her that I’m not as scared as I would have been a handful of years ago and that means something.

5. Can I slow down time today?

6. I realize that even very smart people make incorrect assumptions.

7. There is so much room for growth.

8. Forgot the leeks. Sub shallots. Out of butter. Check the crock. Can’t make a crust for the gallete. Just roast the apricots in cinnamon and sugar and top them with freshly whipped cream.

9. We are too full for dessert anyway.

10. Truthtelling is so good for you.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Eight

1. Entering nightmare territory. Try to wake myself up.

2. Too cool.

3. Remember to make him the breakfast sausage. He wants the breakfast sausage today.

4. Blinding myself with the light.

5. A Monday that feels like Monday.

6. When meeting in person for the first time doesn’t feel like meeting for the first time. The power of the internet.

7. I sit down at the table and realize that it’s almost 3pm and I still haven’t eaten. I find leftover pesto and angel hair pasta and scarf down two bowls.

8. But really, my point is, if it’s not a value you hold as a leader in your organization, don’t market to it. Also: every holiday does not have to be about making money.

9. It feels like the right thing to do.

10. No time outside today. Will fix that tomorrow.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Seven

1. Bird song. Bird squawk?

2. The way the light washes over everything—a holy moment.

3. Familiar faces.

4. Sparkling wine and pastries and conversation in the sun. No treework today.

5. Yeah, this is a special place.

6. I keep repeating the same story. That means it has affected me in a very strong way. “I just don’t want to waste too many years.”

7. Double-header. I'm not hungry enough to pack a lunch, but I know that as soon as I sit down, I’ll want to munch.

8. I try to keep a straight face.

9. We warned him about the ants.

10. He’s right.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Six

1. Saturday.

2. What time is it?

3. I pour coffee into the to-go cup and my tiny cup and take it upstairs to my desk. Skype calls with her are my favorite.

4. Two hours go by so fast.

5. She has good energy. Maybe it’s just that she’s a Cancer and I’m a Cancer and we just get each other.

6. I try to read while the trees crash down around me. I whimper each time. Like I’m being inflicted with a tiny paper cut with each snap.

7. “You will learn shamelessness. Because you need it to succeed as an entrepreneur.” - How to Build a Goddamn Empire

8. I see a familiar face and then another and then another and then the next thing you know it’s just loud talking and laughter and hugs and the online world turning into the real world. It is the sweetest thing.

9. “Are you 50/50?” “More like 90/10.”

10. What is this life?

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Five

1. Soft light coming in through the open window. It’s not yet 5 because I don’t hear the birds. 4:49 am.

2. Jayne comes today.

3. Listening to what my body needs.

4. Summer light.

5. Wait. No Jayne.

6. The drive down feels long today. But there are worse drives to make.

7. No focus today. Maybe it’s the Peanut Butter Captain Crunch.

8. Tree after tree after tree. The cracking and the crashing. The sawing and the chipping. Jackhammer? I thought we were done with those.

9. We keep trading quotes from The Office and now I need to watch it all over again.

10. Cake cone. Vanilla ice cream. Rainbow sprinkles. Green grass. Setting sun. Kids climbing on trees.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. One day, I’ll figure out what that noise is.

2. Need to reschedule that. And that. And that.

3. Behind on this. That’s okay. I trust that I’ll get it done.

4. He’s rewriting his list of dinosaurs. At the top: real ones he knows by name. At the bottom: fake ones from the movies.

5. One more week.

6. This version isn’t any better only because I know the shift is temporary.

7. Am I supposed to be excited? I don’t fake emotions very well.

8. In one hand are the things I want. In the other hand are the things I am no longer willing to put up with. Weighing what’s worth what.

9. Pre-dinner glass and hammock swing. The quiet of the trees. “No one can steal my peace,” I say to myself. This belongs to me.

10. The messages are all the same: take your time and trust yourself.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Three

1. A little bit of fog.

2. I need about 3 more pairs of these pants.

3. Her face! Her voice. Her laugh. I miss her. Before we end our call, we mention the possibility of another gathering. That feels good to me.

4. Red lips and red hat. We talk about the desire to build wealth as a means of creating change. How that desire used to not seem as urgent as it is now. I think of how far we’ve both come.

5. “More is coming…”

6. Our conversations are always deep, smart, real.

7. For a minute, I envision us accidentally lighting the tablecloth on fire.

8. Restored. What else could matter more than this?

9. Now is not the time, but it is coming soon.

10. I hear myself ranting. What am I trying to prove? Who am I trying to convince?

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Two

1. Birthday month.

2. “You ate all the bagels?”

3. Really need to get that dead bird off the deck. Poor little finch.

4. Sunflowers glowing gold.

5. No one is upset about this morning’s music choices.

6. Home alone.

7. Careless Whisper by George Michael.

8. I sit in the hammock before the meeting, read a few pages of the book. I argue with the author in my head.

9. The thing is I just want enough energy to be able to do the work that really needs to be done.

10. Cilantro stuck in the back of my throat.

11. My hands are open.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-One

1. Nature’s alarm clock.

2. Here just in time.

3. The right message at the right time.

4. “Therefore, sunflowers often represent worship and faithfulness associated with the desire to seek out light and, in turn, truth.”

5. Hot already.

6. I look up at the sky. Hot breeze in my eyes. Palm trees blowing in the wind. Yes, sometimes I do miss this place.

7. Cherry cobbler with ice cream.

8. Sepia-toned sunset. Oh, wait. Is that just my sunglasses?

9. I don’t think a picture could do it justice.

10. What are we going to do?

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty

1. Feels like Saturday. Thank goodness.

2. Another dress, another sweater. Orange juice in the chair looking out toward the trees.

3. Laundry. Need to get caught up.

4. I walk into her bedroom and see all of the things everywhere. I close the door.

5. Error messages.

6. This chicken keeps coming closer and closer.

7. I can’t seem to find my words. Maybe today should have been a day for regular coffee.

8. I give them the short version of a very long story.

9. She pulls out the things in her bag and names them one by one. I miss this age.

10. So tired I can’t even keep track of the game.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Nineteen

1. Can’t sleep in too much or we will be late.

2. Sweater over the dress. Bags of bagels and some decaf for breakfast.

3. Windy down here.

4. I haven’t been here in years. I walk around the corner to see if the fountain is still there. It is.

5. Fresh sheets. Nap time.

6. “I believe in ghosts but I think this show is fake. Because why don’t the cameramen get scared?”

7. “But we’re assuming that coach knows where he is going.”

8. This is living in wine country.

9. There are no accidents.

10. So much beauty everywhere.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighteen

1. What’s with the birds this morning?

2. I’ve now become one of those people who can no longer tolerate a grocery store donut.

3. I let the sun blind me.

4. Every day she asks what I am doing, and every day I feel like I say the same thing. Do I sound excited? What am I teaching her to anticipate about adult life when I respond with such little enthusiasm? What am I modeling for her? For all of them?

5. Today’s playlist is top notch.

6. I breathe and watch the spiderwebs above me jiggle.

7. Nothing will ever be the same.

8. The scrub jay keeps hopping into the hammock. Silly bird.

9. I wouldn’t give this up.

10. But this feels good.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventeen

1. It’s already Thursday.

2. Thank goodness for boxed breakfasts these days.

3. You can tell they’re tourists because they keep walking in circles around the store.

4. Negative.

5. We talk about boundaries and kids and sticking up for yourself and being exhausted by baseball. We sit and drink a glass of water before I leave. Bird chatter in the background. I am happy to be here.

6. I ask him if he needs help. He asks me to give him the answer. That’s not how this works.

7. We work at the table together. For a brief moment, I consider what it might be like to homeschool him. I’ve been thinking of this off and on for so many years. What is his specific need? Can I realistically accommodate it?

8. “I think I just had to get it off my chest,” I say. “Even though I didn’t say everything, just saying those things helped.”

9. Hanger steak and chimichurri and an herb salad.

10. Cancer Traits:

    1. Very sensitive

    2. Seeks comfort

    3. Forgives but never forgets

    4. Only has one boundary, but it is very firm

    5. Takes on other people’s problems

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixteen

1. I guess it’s time to buy clothes now that we’re going back out into the world again.

2. What is in store for today?

3. Where did the time go?

4. Drinking coffee, sitting in the sun.

5. “The only thing I know is that I don’t know anything.”

6. But what will be my contribution?

7. My peak hours are definitely 6am-12pm.

8. So many things to think about. Everything feels important.

9. Why?

10. “What you do is your history. What you set in motion is your legacy.” - Pesme