Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Seventy-Eight

1. Weary.

2. I drink my coffee slowly, watch the oat milk foam drift.

3. Excuses.

4. The more they talk, the more I realize just how little work they’ve done to understand the issues at hand.

5. Remembering that it makes people more uncomfortable when you remain so calm.

6. I have him take me to The Station for a ham and cheese croissant and a chai latte because I’m just eating my feelings.

7. Second shot done.

8. “Excuse me. Was that gentleman back there your husband?” “Yes.” “Okay. Have a great day.” He walks away. “Today has been a weird day.”

9. But this view.

10. So tired.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Seventy-Seven

1. A little too early.

2. Remember to leave in time for bottling.

3. He pours me a glass from the tank. So good, I could drink the whole thing, but I won’t because it’s 7:15 in the morning and I haven’t eaten breakfast today.

4. Better than expected.

5. “What?!” That’s all I can say. I think of the article I read just this morning. “What?!” I scream again.

6. I call her and I feel an odd calm. Maybe I’m just spinning so fast in anger that I look like I’m standing still.

7. And yet, here I am having to set aside this thing to work.

8. Their flight is booked.

9. I find it ironic that I just got back from vacation.

10. Win.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Seventy-Six

1. Up before the alarm, which is a good thing, I think.

2. I rewrite the list into my planner to make sure it gets done.

3. But you gotta decide to be all in.

4. The irony is that I keep opening up the app to distract me from the news, but the app is full of the news and therefore ruining any kind of escapism in which I want to participate.

5. Purple tulips on their last leg.

6. I use the word “untethered.” We talk about collective grief. We wonder when we’ll get to stop repeating this story.

7. Of course, though, I get the most likes when the topic is Black death and trauma.

8. I fill out the forms for two things, this feels good. I am not attached to the outcome, just proud of myself for pushing through to complete them.

9. When you realize that this is a day you don’t have to go to the baseball fields.

10. Sheet pan meal for the win.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Seventy-Five

1. Already Monday.

2. Frost fan.

3. Bacon and scrambled eggs for the first time in weeks. Coffee. Orange juice. A proper breakfast.

4. Journaling in a bright red notebook.

5. The fog is lingering and everything is soft and quiet and beautiful. Deep gratitude.

6. We ride in silence.

7. Third cup of decaf. Feeling caught up.

8. No time to make the ginger ice cream.

9. Baseball. Golden light. They walk to the A&W with a $10 bill. We lose.

10. No one seems to be hungry.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. Must be about 5.

2. No one is awake when we leave for the grocery store.

3. Three hot air balloons dotting the horizon. The sky is clear, but the mountains and hills look as if they are covered in a haze. It’s a California dream.

4. No flowers this time.

5. I gather the ingredients for the custards. Ice cream number one: eggs, milk, cream, vanilla bean. I cream number two: eggs, milk, cream, vanilla, ginger.

6. Deseeding kumquats. No music. Quiet kitchen. I miss just standing in the kitchen making.

7. More laundry.

8. Every week I feel like I’m sitting in on a secret. Grateful.

9. What went well? What didn’t go well? What do I want to focus on?

10. Thumbs up on the ice cream from everyone.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Seventy-Three

1. Just cool enough.

2. Really should get an ironing board.

3. The way the light hits the blooming branches.

4. It sounds like he’s running out of his room, but he doesn’t appear. I glance up at the windows and see the glass twist. Earthquake.

5. “If that was a 3.4, what would a 6.0 feel like?” I try to shove the images out of my mind. There is enough to be worried about.

6. Another black lizard doing push-ups.

7. Finally clean.

8. I realize that I am incredibly uncomfortable having my picture taken, which is odd since I take photos of myself all of the time. But I’m so uncomfortable.

9. Jordan AR Lenoble. Cheese and charcuterie. The most chill dog. Two wonderful people. Perfect weather.

10. Last-minute pizza pick-up.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. Friday.

2. How quickly can I clean the bathrooms?

3. “What’s that? Sage?” “Yes.” I go through all the rooms and try to clear the energy.

4. Hard, but good.

5. He’s very talkative, but maybe that’s what folks like when they come in. We talk about air fryers and ice cream machines, and the weather while he fills out the paperwork.

6. Balance. Purity. Expression.

7. I ask her to leave the Butterfinger out of the bag. “I have to eat it before the kids see it.”

8. Staff training at Solage.

9. All of that only to fail the identity verification.

10. Already the weekend.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Seventy-One

1. I shouldn’t wake up feeling this way.

2. Outside of the library is a cart full of brown paper bags. Inside each bag is a paper with instructions for a s’mores kit. Also included: one foil tin, a sandwich bag of jet puff marshmallows, a sandwich bag full of chocolate chips, and two small packages of graham crackers.

3. The sun is bright. It’s cool now, but I can tell it will be hotter later.

4. They always look so much older when the cuts are fresh.

5. He thanks me for the Google review.

6. “It goes right back to the idea of the Power of Positive Thinking, which is so strong in America because it fits in so well with the Poser of Commerical Advertising and with the Power of Wishful Thinking, aka the American Dream. It is the bight side of Puritanism: What you deserve is what you get.” - Ursula K. Le Guin

7. I start to do the laundry but I don’t have the energy to finish.

8. I sit on the front porch and fill in the last pages of the journal. A tiny black lizard keeps running across the wood planks. Every time it pauses, it bends its legs. It looks like it’s doing push-ups, like he’s trying to show off for me.

9. Another night of leftovers. We barely eat.

10. S’mores kit in the oven. Jurassic Park. One out of three.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Seventy

1. Don’t want to get used to waking up this late.

2. They have cleared away so many trees. Gaping black and brown holes in the landscape.

3. I suppose I will need to make regular ice cream before I branch out into dairy-free versions.

4. I stop at the top of the stairs and survey the room below. This is a good space. This is the right space for right now.

5. “…goldfinches represent beauty, relationships, health, tranquillity, and open and healthy communication.” But what do they represent when they’re dead on your balcony?

6. We talk while I rebraid my hair. It makes the time go by even faster.

7. Already the end of Wednesday. Next time, I will plan better?

8. Bo ssam and riesling.

9. Post-dinner walk. Cooler. Backs of thighs burning just a little. The silhouette of mountains. Poppies closing up for the night. The hum of the cars below.

10. This particular batch is saltier than usually but I’m still going to eat it.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. Morning fog.

2. I step outside to get my mug from the car. The air is cool and damp. I hear nothing but the quiet sputter of the pond and a little bit of bird chatter.

3. For a moment I worry that today is already Tuesday and that my week will go by too fast. I remind myself that I am the source of time.

4. That’s not a number I wanted to see, but I am proud. This is means growth. This means I did a great job.

5. It was the regular coffee that did it.

6. Change into a dress. This feels like summer.

7. Maybe we can figure something out.

8. More work on a day off. Boundaries. Boundaries.

9. Cool in the shade.

10. I bunch the old ranunculus together and hand them upside down to dry.

11. Forgot the pasta. Got everything but the pasta.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. Slept in.

2. Hashbrowns for breakfast. I should have added some ham.

3. This oat milk tastes like it has too many other things added to it. But it’s frothier than the other brand.

4. We finally move the furniture into his room. It’s starting to look like a real bedroom now.

5. I worry that my vacation will not feel like a vacation.

6. Ricotta gnudi with parmigiano, DMG onion, baby shitake and pine nuts. I ask him for something different. He starts us off with Lemberger GG Beurer “Mönchberg Schalksberg.” Kadarka from Maurer “1880,” follows. I drink a cup of decaf with my cheesecake that’s dolloped with passionfruit curd and edible flowers and speculoos cookie crumbs.

7. “What were you put on this earth to do?” Not enough people ask themselves that question, he says.

8. Need a nap.

9. Ten feet between the crowns.

10. 2019 Source and Sink Red Field Blend.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. Gotta do the eggs.

2. Sweet tarts jellybeans.

3. They eat the kringle; I eat the leftover turkey burgers.

4. Laundry.

5. Two fire trucks and an ambulance.

6. The slow drip of time.

7. More of Frida is coming together.

8. Still an egg in the windowsill.

9. “I thought you said that show was trash?” “It is.”

10. Moving toward ownership.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. Waiting for the light.

2. Cool breezes.

3. Slightly overcast. Grateful for a slow start to the day.

4. Had forgotten it was Easter. Make a meal plan for the week. Make sure there are leftovers.

5. One droopy orange ranunculus.

6. I tell him that I am tired of achieving.

7. There is nothing here.

8. “He said he wanted a dog.”

9. She shows me the jeans on which she hand-stitches the patterns. Her jackets are made from deer hide. She tells me that they are soft, yet hold their shape.

10. I exclaim. Maybe one of these days.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. The chill of early morning.

2. I open the window and spot the feathers of the dead bird from earlier in the week.

3. I explain to her the play on words: “Sauvignon” is based on the french word “Sauvage,” meaning “wild.” So, “Taming the Wild Vine,” is about capturing the elegance of Sauvignon Blanc. “We’ll see how it lands,” I say.

4. I do like this duster. I should wear it more often.

5. It’s quiet up here, peaceful. What a perfect spot.

6. His accent is charming. He’s smart. I was not expecting her to be here, but she is, and that makes me excited. A black woman who owns a winery in Sebastopol. I need to spend more time with her.

7. Everything is delicious. We will have to buy more Fog Crest rosé soon.

8. He looks so good in his uniform. Too bad the game was rescheduled.

9. We make plans for May. May is actually not that far away.

10. Staycation begins now.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. The siren again.

2. No more frogs. I turn on the waves.

3. Tiny bird taking stuffing from the chair to go build a nest.

4. We move the chair. The bird comes back and pecks at the deck. He needs more material.

5. Sunlight in my face.

6. It could be so much worse.

7. You can smell the smoke from Charter Oak.

8. Library appointment for the youngest. She helps him get his own card. They don’t ask for anything but a name. There’s also an easter egg hunt in the children’s section. She says to keep your ears open because people like to do things word of mouth here.

9. “The other thing I like about living here is that people are really nice,” he says as we exit.

10. Playing until the lights come on.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. Not enough sleep.

2. He asks me if I’ve seen the bird. I look out the window. On the deck is a small bird with light green feathers, stiff. They must have flown into the window.

3. Loud crash. They have chopped down a tree.

4. I am not sure that I’m being very helpful. Sometimes you just need to be the open ear.

5. Unfocused.

6. We eat our lunch outside and talk. I tell him all the things that are bothering me. We look toward the mountains.

7. They have the bat.

8. Heitz Cellar Grignolino Rosé.

9. UNO after dinner.

10. He says the frogs are too loud.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. So quiet.

2. Dress for comfort. Remember that you’re hosting a tasting. Change clothes.

3. Shattered glass and Naked juice on slate tile.

4. Scattered brain.

5. He has the best energy.

6. I tell him that I think I scared the neighbor. The look on his face. I realize that I still wear the weight of their gaze.

7. The more you know, the more you can’t ignore.

8. Headache.

9. Women in wine Zoom. Madeline Triffon is just the most delightful woman.

10. Early shower. Headache. Ice cream?

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty-One

1. What time did the frogs stop croaking?

2. Cold creeping in under the blanket.

3. I set out the bagels, and no one is eating them. What was even the point?

4. Sun in my face.

5. Comfort Zone. Stretch Zone. Panic Zone.

6. From Dismantling Racism: A Workbook for Social Change Groups, by Kenneth Jones and Tema Okun, ChangeWork, 2001: Perfectionism, Sense of Urgency, Defensiveness, Quantity over Quality, Worship of the Written Word, Only One Right Way, Paternalism, Either/Or Thinking, Power Hoarding, Fear of Open Conflict, Individualism, Progress if Bigger, Objectivity, Right to Comfort

7. Still in stretch mode.

8. What is my role in this?

9. I dig more oranges out of my sweater pocket.

10. I really need to rethink my meal plans moving forward if we’re going to have 2-hour long games on weeknights.

11. Too tired for ice cream.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty

1. That siren. Why?

2. Coyotes howling. So loudly. So close.

3. Realizing that our constant fatigue is a symptom of the constant hum of anxiety plus pandemic life.

4. Waiting for when I’m not tired all of the time.

5. Laundry and more laundry.

6. It’s hot today. It must be 80 degrees again. Even in the shade, you can feel it.

7. “Sometimes you gotta live on the edge a little bit.”

8. I clean up the leftovers and then take myself on a walk.

9. Golden light on a patch of poppies on the side of the road. Golden light peeking through the canopy of trees casting long shadows on the asphalt. One large rock covered in moss sitting on the side of the road. I think of how she told me that there was a rockslide by that bride a few years ago. Golden light on the hillside where the grass is going to seed. I watch the tall thin stalks sway in the wind.

10. What next?

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. Early morning trip to the store for coffee.

2. I am always worried the neighbor hates the bells on my door.

3. They don’t want to come but we make them come. I try to make the trip as quick as possible.

4. I forgot that Easter is next week.

5. I leave him with the laundry and I take a book and my water outside. There is a sunny spot on the bench. I lay down and close my eyes.

6. I had not intended to stay.

7. Windows down. Dua Lipa up.

8. I tell her that today was easier. That I probably did myself a favor by not drinking a little bit of coffee before the shoot. And that her presence was helpful.

9. Everything looks golden.

10. But there is still the work of tomorrow.