Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Eight

1. 3:24 am.

2. 4:34 am.

3. Rereading old work to spark ideas for new work. Past and present colliding.

4. The camera just isn’t capturing the colors of the sunrise and the fog, and the silhouettes of the trees.

5. Our time together always goes by too quickly. Too, too quickly. We could talk for hours.

6. Leftover soup.

7. It’s colder than I thought. Cold hands and cold feet. The moss on the rocks is glowing; looks supernatural. Inhale the smell of the wet rocks and burned wood.

8. She is the best.

9. I send a request to the online chat, which is an actual person somewhere in the library. The books are on a cart by the parking lot. Next to my books is also a very large stack of DVDs. I want to read all of the titles because maybe this person could be my friend.

10. The turkey didn’t thaw.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Seven

1. Waking up with the lyrics in your head.

2. The smell of bone broth simmering.

3. Hard, hard, rain. I want to go back to bed, back to the dark, with a book and my coffee and the sound of the rain.

4. I start to write emails and then remember Jeff’s trick. Don’t bother people before 8 am. I turn the computer to airplane mode and let everything sit in the outbox until a more reasonable time.

5. I do like order.

6. We set a time and catch up. It’s so good to hear a familiar voice.

7. Leftover duck confit and duck fat fries for lunch.

8. Mouth and jaw stretches at the desk.

9. 2018 Heitz Cellar Quartz Creek Chardonnay. 2017 Pax Mahle Armagh Vineyard Syrah.

10. Take it all back?

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Six

1. In the dream, I have entered her home and am waiting to surprise her. She is surprised, but not exactly happy about it. This surprise does not have the effect that I want it to have.

2. Though I know why it ended, I still miss it. And that’s okay.

3. I can barely open my mouth. I can open wide enough for the spoons of yogurt I want to eat before drinking coffee.

4. Thick fog. Camera in hand. Everything is saturated and alive and quiet.

5. Nothing else opens until noon.

6. We find the sweaters and the pants, nothing for the oldest except Vans.

7. I show her the ceramics in the window and talk about what I love about the shop. Someone is inside. I think he’s telling me through the glass that he likes my bun.

8. We decided to walk the galleries when we don’t have chai and donuts in our hands.

9. “Are you living, or are you existing?”

10. “You are the rite of movement / Its reasonin' made lucid and cool / I know it's no improvement / When you move, I move..” - Movement, Hozier

11. Since she already took the wings, he can’t decide if he wants a thigh or a breast. “It’s all chicken!” she yells from the dining room.

12. “Who’s Selena? The girl in the store had her on her shirt,” she says. “Oh, I can’t hear any of her music and not cry,” I say.

13. “So the thing about the mouthguard is that it keeps your teeth from grinding, but it doesn’t keep you from clenching your jaw so tight that you can’t open your mouth when you wake up.”

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Five

1. The sound of rain.

2. No hike today. Of course not.

3. It's only Saturday, but it feels like Sunday, which is a gift, I guess.

4. Headache.

5. So tired.

6. I choose the down for the weight, even though I know I will get hot.

7. I tell him that I've been going to bed later so that I can wake up at a more reasonable time, but now I feel tired. I’m not waking up refreshed. I’d rather wake up at 3:30 and feel rested than wake up at 5:00 and still feel tired.

8. Cold coffee and cinnamon and chili powder and oregano and cumin and garlic.

9. I’ve seen the video ten times, and it still makes me laugh. “The branch takes a child, the branch takes a child.”

10. Sometimes my mind is full of things that don’t seem to make any sense.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. Time to finish the cinnamon rolls.

2. This time of morning is my favorite. The pale yellow glow of dawn slowly rising, illuminating the knoll, casting light onto the little pond below.

3. Yoga with Jayne.

4. My eyes follow the cracks of the bark all the way up to the tip-top where the crown meets the sky. It is just blue and green and gray-brown.

5. She draws the same card I’ve been drawing the past two days.

6. He helps me move the desk over by the bed. Still not sure if it’s aesthetically pleasing, but it is nice to have a space with a door and a de facto nightstand.

7. Why does this feel like work?

8. “Keep it pointed to where you want it to go.” - Danielle LaPorte. Whatever happened to her?

9. That car doesn’t look familiar. I bet they’re looking at the house. But I want the interracial couple to come back again.

10. Thinking of the next steps. Just do the next thing.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Three

1. Less sweating.

2. Why am I making bacon when I have to fast for at least three more hours?

3. This one has the body scan for taking the temperature. Do I like this device or do I like that no one has to come withing twelve inches of my face to take my temperature?

4. She says that she’s Brazilian and still can’t get used to the cold. I laugh to myself; 45 degrees is not cold.

5. Everything looks brighter on cleaning day.

6. He puts his new desk together almost by himself; I help with the screws.

7. “Build a vision others can believe in.” - Anna Wintour

8. Rendering the duck fat.

9. Slightly anemic. That’s what I thought. Address this first and see if the circulation issues get better.

10. They want to stay up late. I want to be asleep by 9.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. 3:15. I think I can get myself back to sleep again.

2. Life as art. Self as the creator.

3. I need that mouthguard.

4. I should have written everything down right after I got out of the shower.

5. Her red hair. Love, love, love her red hair.

6. She asks me if I’ve been fasting for 10 hours. My order requires that I fast, she says. I tell her that the medical assistant didn’t put that in the email. I suppose I should have remembered that not eating is a part of the process. I guess I’ll be back tomorrow.

7. Wasting time in the parking lot, eating In-n-Out. “I think Keller is right. This is a superior burger.”

8. We end up talking in the parking lot while cars zip by. I almost start to walk away without the duck.

9. I need a nap. I can’t nap.

10. The sound of the rain falling on the roof. The scent of fire even though nothing is burning.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-One

1. Night sweats at 1:00 am.

2. 3:30 am.

3. Maybe it’s the full moon. Thirteen today.

4. He runs up to tell me that my cocktail is on the front page of Apple news. That’s a way to start the morning.

5. Frost on the course. Sun turning the burned trees gold.

6. Double the batter to make three layers instead of two. Lots more strawberries. How do I still not have a cake stand?

7. I tell her that the store looks different. She says it’s because she doesn’t own it anymore. This makes me sad. I can’t remember what I bought last time, but I remember the door being dark and full. A book store for book lovers, not book readers. I want the old store back.

8. Overwhelmed by its beauty. I want to touch every little thing. I want to see every little thing. I tell her that the store is so beautiful it makes me want to cry. Which is something that probably sounded strange. But you can feel that this is a space of an artist. I want to go back.

9. There is potential here.

10. Giggles around the table. Thirteen. Sushi. Strawberry torte for dessert. Thirteen.

11. The moon and her stars. I am a star. The star is me. Everything is one.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy

1. In the dream, she explains to me that they only spend time reviewing this set of work. Everything is material, but it’s not the meat of the work.

2. Dentist day. Ugh.

3. “Stop touching the computer, and get your shoes on!” I shouldn’t have to yell on vacation.

4. A young girl sits down across from me and she tilts her head to read the spine of my book. I want to ask her what she likes to read, but maybe that’s weird coming from a stranger in a mask.

5. No Beyblade talk yet.

6. He will be thirteen tomorrow. Thirteen.

7. I write the doctor a note. We need a more holistic view, is what I say.

8. Big white moon through the silhouette of bare branches.

9. The conversation soothes me.

10. What I really want is a glass of 2018 Heitz Quartz Creek Chardonnay. Those three bottles went so quickly.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. Still so dark.

2. Break down the last bit of evidence. Recycling center sometime this week.

3. Trying not to fret about the passing of the days. This panic in the body that I get when I feel like time is running out.

4. It’s chillier than I thought it would be but there is still a little line at The Station. There are still men standing in the parking lot, hoping for a little bit of work on a Sunday.

5. For the first time in a long time, finding joy in meal planning.

6. More Beyblades. This feels like the time when the oldest started playing Minecraft and wanted to explain every little thing to me. All of the talking.

7. I am getting to the age where I just don’t care to learn new social media platforms.

8. The questions aren’t easy, but they are necessary. And we always feel much better once we do it.

9. They really are so funny.

10. So much prep, but it’s so good: Vietnamese Lemongrass Beef and Noodle Salad with Pax Chenin Blanc.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. In the dream, I am packing to go somewhere.

2. Should I even take that writing course? I haven’t written in two days. Will I be able to keep up? Thirty pages.

3. Still so dark. More rain?

4. So quiet. They are either still sleeping or already on the electronics.

5. “…’Because they don’t know how beautiful it is to be colored’…” - Walter Mosley

6. Nope. There’s just no way. Without bag number two, I can’t complete it. So much for this project. Maybe we can do the Razorcrest together.

7. OMG beyblades.

8. You always feel the heat at this spot; making the left onto the Knoll where the sun is bursting through the trees and you feel its warmth on your back as you head up the next incline.

9. Grandma sees the dirty room while they are on FaceTime and makes him clean it up and then show her the completed result. I laugh. But he does it, and I love that he respects her enough to actually do it.

10. Listing only ten goals feels limiting. There is so much I want to do.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. So dark.

2. He thinks the kids are awake; I tell him it’s the owl. They are always so loud in the morning.

3. He is always the first one ready to go.

4. I want something different next time. But I don’t know what that looks like yet.

5. Nothing to make but creamed chard and baked potatoes to go with the prime rib. Barolo tonight?

6. I just really hope it works.

7. The sound of the rain. It has a different tone up here in the woods; softer, maybe.

8. I sit on the floor and build a forgotten Lego set from someone’s birthday last year.

9. That feeling that time is running out.

10. Someone in the neighborhood has their fireplace going and it smells sweet, like ham.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. It just doens’t feel like Christmas Eve.

2. Dressed as if I have somewhere to go.

3. The thing about the press is that I always feel like I’m waiting.

4. We scheduled 3.5 hours for our call, but clock out at 5. But that’s really not that surprising.

5. Special sauce dripping down the side of my hand.

6. “an epic sense of possibility.”

7. Tiny ripples in the water. The willow continues to lose its leaves.

8. Yeah, the bread is definitely good.

9. Home Alone. It’s still a good movie when you only watch it once a year.

10. Oh my god, it’s so late. Champagne and wrapping while watching Schitt’s Creek. Really underestimated how much time it would take.

11. Next year will be different.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. Walter Mosley says three hours, but I’ve only got one. I’ll use it.

2. “Slow, but that’s to be expected.”

3. Her face. Her smile. I miss being in the same room with her.

4. The pad isn’t working, it keeps making that noise. She comes through and swipes a $100 gift card. We think she’s just trying to test the machine. She says, “there you go.” “What? What?” “Secret Santa!” I say “thank you” - at least I think I’m saying thank you. That has to be the best job of the day. Just walking around giving people free groceries. Especially in a time like this.

5. I take the boules out of the oven. They have risen! And perfectly brown. I hope they are done on the inside.

6. I have to make two trips, one for this side of the circle and another for the other parts of the neighborhood. He says I should drive, but I need the fresh air.

7. As I make my way down the hill, the light of late afternoon is shining on the vineyards in the valley below. There are a blue sky and golden sun, the craggy mountains and hillsides, and the naked vines. This was still a good idea.

8. Gratitude.

9. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and it doesn’t feel like it. But nothing these days feels normal.

10. Back to Schitt’s Creek.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. I slip my feet into the warm slippers before heading downstairs to the cold floor.

2. The electricity bill is going to be ridiculous.

3. Dairy-free yogurt for the win.

4. Coffee in hand, listening to the water below. Coyote. It looks healthy and strong as it trots along the trail. Remember who was here first.

5. Well. Demolition has begun.

6. I spread the cards before me. Self-acceptance. Is this a lifelong process?

7. The office is done. One more box down.

8. Laundry. A bowl of popcorn. Twilight Zone. Nap. Masterclass with Walter Mosley.

9. “Even as a child she had lived her own small life within herself. At a very early period she had apprehended instinctively the dual life - that outward existence which conforms, the inward life which questions.” - Kate Chopin, “The Awakening”

10. Cautiously optimistic.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. Monday energy.

2. Journal. Leftover brussels sprouts salad and asparagus. Coffee. I really need to do better with breakfast.

3. She says the blood pressure medicine may relax the blood vessels and help with the circulation so that the fingers and toes don’t go numb. I’m not sure about it. I tell her to go ahead and write the script.

4. But my toes are really cold. Maybe I just need thicker socks.

5. I like this one.

6. The way the light hits you right in the face as you come around the curve.

7. Too much screen time.

8. I make a list of all the things.

9. Back in my feelings about it.

10. Everything is annoying to me. And that’s my problem.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. Waiting for the light.

2. Soup for breakfast. A little slice of Italian batard with salted butter. I’m goin to learn how to make baguettes this break. I think.

3. We need a plan.

4. Curled up in the chair watching the fog and the light, finishing the last few pages of “The Awakening.”

5. We work together to rearrange his room so that his monitor doesn’t get glare when he’s gaming. I am jealous of all the light.

6. We lost the Pokemon cards.

7. I feel my anxiety shoot up. I am hot with anxiety and anger. Which is always what happens when I go against my nature.

8. I come to the Zoom for the laughs and because I enjoy getting to know my aunts and uncles as an adult. Next week I’ll start adding to the conversation.

9. Dog, Prairie Dog, Whale, Jaguar, Snake, Lynx, Otter, Beaver, Dragonfly.

10. “Your success going forward rests on you changing the way that you think about and speak to yourself. You’ve come too far to lose your place in your future because of a crippling refusal to change your mind, words. Daughter, be free of fear…”

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty-One

1. 1:45 am. How much longer can I toss and turn.

2. I can see the light slipping through the shutters. Success.

3. So much to do. Always.

4. In one of the packages I discover the Medicine Cards. I set the box outside of the garage door. More smells of petrichor. As hard as the last few months have been, I wouldn’t trade it for anything else.

5. The Target feels busy but that’s only because it’s so small. There’s only a week until Christmas and we don’t even have to wait to check out. Strange. Nothing feels the same.

6. Blue sky, thin clouds, bright sun.

7. Chani’s got a new app!

8. Charcuterie board and half a glass of Chardonnay for lunch in front of the fire.

9. I want children like their children. Children who still want to look for the elf when they’re a senior in college. They’re all just really good kids. They’re a really good family. I want that.

10. Broccoli and cheddar soup and roasted chicken. Pax Syrah. Charlie Brown Christmas. Lots of laughs. These kids.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty

1. Sigh.

2. Naysayer coffee. Green juice. Orange juice. I fry up the rest of the breakfast sausage and the last few pieces of bacon.

3. Wobbly. Can’t seem to find my balance even though I’m looking at the trees.

4. I actually really enjoy presenting. Had forgotten that.

5. There are a lot of people but everyone is doing their best to be as socially distant as possible.

6. I could really not eat Gott’s for 90 days. Maybe that should be a new goal.

7. We really need to start wrapping.

8. T-shirts So many things to learn. 2021 is going to be amazing.

9. Southside fried chicken, potato salad, asparagus, biscuits, chocolate chip cookies.

10. Gratitude.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. I remind myself that if I can hear myself having a conversation in my head, then I am awake.

2. No coffee. I check the front door to see if maybe we missed the delivery by accident. Nothing.

3. We drive down to The Station. I cave and get myself a ham and cheese croissant.

4. I am running out of time.

5. The way the earth and air look and smell after the rain.

6. I thank them, tell them that these are the best weeks I’ve had in a long time.

7. Virtual retreat kick-off.

8. I want to like them more than I do.

9. So much warmer when you’re closer to the fire. I will need to buy a thick sheepskin to rest on.

10. I need to send thirty pages of my writing and “To Reach Japan,” by Alice Munro. Thirty pages. That’s just six long forms. I can do that.

11. I keep trying to turn the handle but it’s gone as far as it can possibly go.