Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-Three

1. There is something about seeing those lights when I come down the stairs.

2. No more leftovers. Cold yogurt for breakfast. Orange juice. A few slices of bacon. Why do I keep making it when no one will eat it?

3. Following the plan.

4. No one wants to wake up early, but then they complain about being late.

5. They probably did a ton of research to figure out the most satisfying sound.

6. “You need a mask.”

7. We’ll go right back to where we were before.

8. It’s not the underwear. It’s the old man’s comment and the underlying desire for approval and perfection.

9. Like I said to her on the phone, we are all just wounded children.

10. Too much caramel popcorn.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-Two

1. Cold ankles.

2. The sun is slow to arrive. Frost on the greens below. Any deer?

3. I could go back to sleep but instead I finish the book.

4. I knew this question was coming.

5. I hope I never take the beauty of this place for granted.

6. I worry that I accidentally cut in line but they changed everything around, so who knows.

7. I don't yet know how to return to this space, or if I even should.

8. Family time, even if virtual, is always time well spent.

9. I try to busy myself so that I stay awake longer. If I stop moving, I'll fall asleep. But I really want to go to sleep.

10. ”Whatever you yearn for, trust it.” - Chani

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-One

1. Beat her again.

2. Pages fill up quickly. Turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy before coffee.

3. ”Everything reminds you of fire, ” I write.

4. Her. Always so good to be with her.

5. I describe the first few days and notice how I drift away and everything is so vivid. I wonder if this is what she meant by ”post-traumatic stress disorder.”

6. He says I can get it today.

7. Study. Make notes. Test the printer. Should have bought the paper cutter back when I thought I was going to be a homeschooler.

8. But really, it's just a beautiful place. There's no getting around it.

9. But what if we embraced the connection instead of deviating from it so much?

10. Efficiencies. Must increase efficiencies.

11. Stumped my the riddles. ”We can't even get the ’medium’ ones right.”

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty

1. Starting at the ceiling.

2. Leftover ham and Brussels sprouts. Water and coffee. Leaving the dinner rolls for later.

3. Choosing joy. No matter how hard it might be to find.

4. Light bulb moments.

5. If I could fold myself into the shadows of the gently rolling hills.

6. These views.

7. Elegant. Nearly perfect balance. Graceful.

8. 2019 Aperture Cellars Chenin Blanc. 2018 Aperture Cellars Cabernet Sauvignon. 2017 Devil Proof Malbec.

9. Crackling fire.

10. Dangerous.

11. He remembers that tomorrow is his day to call him. That makes me happy that he's looking forward to it, that he doesn't need any prompting.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Nine

1. Better.

2. Uh-oh. Forgot to by flour. But it wouldn’t be the holidays without frantic runs to the grocery store.

3. No one shops at 6:00 am.

4. He wants firewood. She insists the tree needs candy canes.

5. I bargain with him: no X-Box until after we decorate the tree.

6. I put on my boots and head outside to forage for decoration. That might be bay laurel. Tiny pine cones. Red berries. Itty-bitty fiery maple leaves.

7. But did it land?

8. We laugh. The tree is too small to hold all of the ornaments.

9. Too much cheese.

10. It would be better if we were in person.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Eight

1. In the dream I am so excited because I finally find a teacher who agrees with me - maybe he has mild dyslexia! I thank them. I start to wake and realize it’s not real. I will need to find testing on my own.

2. I know it’s before 5 but I’m hoping it’s not 3. I just lay there and think.

3. Last day. The official last day. Happy? Relieved? Sad? All the things. But mostly relieved. I can put out one flame on this 9-flame candle.

4. Am I turning into a workaholic?

5. Nah. Just fear.

6. “That does not sound like a break up.”

7. Arms out to the side, staring out of the window. I watch the yellow leaves shimmy in the breeze. They look so happy.

8. How sad to not even be excited about cooking any more.

9. Choosing to turn down projects is a privilege. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.

10. He was always the best snuggler.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Seven

1. 3:08 am.

2. Did I beat Kerry? Nope.

3. Deviated from plan.

4. They are talking to me but all I can hear the sound of the forklift machine. Nothing is making sense in my head. Apologizing.

5. I’m just so tired.

6. We stand outside and wait for coffee. “I miss staying at the North Block.” But then again, this is my home. Like, it’s literally down the road. How blessed am I?

7. A big pile of acorns. Nuts.

8. All of a sudden so many last-minute requests. Funny, but not not. I yell about them. “Are you yelling at me or at them?” “Them. I’m just tired.”

9. No cheese for the pasta. Frozen pizzas.

10. I realize I kept saying her name wrong and that she kept trying to correct me. Not “Lucienne.” “Lucent." Like the light bulb. Right. I blame the masks. And, I’m just so tired.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Six

1. Later than usual, but still don’t feel rested.

2. Water, coffee, leftover chicken stew. Moving files and deleting them. Looking at the scope of your work.

3. Wiped clean.

4. Thin, whispy fog. Five hot air balloons dotting the horizon. Green and red and yellow and orange.

5. “Why am I doing this, really?”

6. I could sit with them here for forever in the clear yellow light, sipping wine, talking about technology and life and our responsibility to each other.

7. Crashing.

8. The desk looks so much cleaner with nothing on it.

9. Golden State Cider Might Dry.

10. Downloading 82 updates.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Five

1. Slow, slow, slow.

2. The sound of acorns falling on the roof.

3. I just need to sit down and do it.

4. How is this only 10 minutes from my home? All of this beauty so close.

5. Nerves. Stress. The constant and quiet undercurrent of uncertainty.

6. 2018 Heitz Cellars Quartz Creek Chardonnay.

7. How can we be great again?

8. Give it a name.

9. Floundering.

10. One of these days I will not shrink.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Four

1. Toothache. Must be clenching.

2. So dark. So quiet. He’s up so soon.

3. So good to see her face and hear her voice. And the kids. And her house. I miss being in her home.

4. I really do live in a beautiful place.

5. My mind wanders: vineyards and blue sky and mountains and closed parks and trees turned black and white from fire.

6. The tree is crooked.

7. There is more work I should be doing but I can’t seem to bring myself to do it.

8. The walk to the mailbox smells like wet redwood.

9. ANTM.

10. Where is my phone charger?

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Three

1. Friday.

2. In my journal, I write that I write the day of the week every day in my journal because I feel like I’m losing track of time.

3. I miss my parents.

4. Not my emergency. But draining, nonetheless.

5. Just the two of us today. We go with a chill practice. I try to find my breath. I hope she can’t feel my wonky energy. This hour is exactly what I needed.

6. Ladue.

7. Learning.

8. Allegory of the Cave by Plato - “It is the task of the enlightened not only to ascend to learning and to see the good but to be willing to descend again to those prisoners and to share their troubles and their honors, whether they are worth having or not. And this they must do, even with the prospect of death.”

9. Fantastic Friday.

10. But where is the joy?

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Two

1. 4-something.

2. Soft turtleneck in camel, white pants. I dig this color combination. Today is supposed to be cleaning day but I can change after all the meetings.

3. I read him a quote from the book. “Funny, isn’t it?” It’s exactly this.

4. I tell her all the things I implemented since our last call. They are working well. We decide that I should also tell my co-workers and employers about my personal goal of reducing my time on electronics, and that I need to make sure I develop a plan to release a client from a contract, and that resetting my circadian rhythm may take some time.

5. He’s going to miss the call.

6. She asks me if I want to read first. “No, sorry. I wasn’t expecting this level of work and I’m coming off of fire evacuation so my schedule is….I’ll be ready with work next time.” I laugh to myself and sit back in my chair with my cup of tea and listen to everyone continue to read. Of course she asked me to read…I was talking so much about people’s work.

7. How do you make money having conversations?

8. If you’re not learning, you’re not growing. Growing exhausts and excites.

9. I can hear a big of excitement in her voice. I remember to lean into that.

10. I call them while I make dinner - meatballs and sauce.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-One

1. I hear the door creak open. Someone must be trying to sneak some X-box.

2. “The power is out.” I send him back to bed with a flashlight just in case.

3. Nothing on PG&E yet. Only 3:30am. I close my eyes.

4. I look out the window to see if she’s awake and has power. She’s awake, but there’s just the glow from the camp light she used during the last power outage. Okay, good. it’s not just us.

5. Too much coffee too soon.

6. Can’t get the images out of my mind.

7. She is brown skinned and is of color and the rest of them are just trying, and that’s really awesome. Wait. Why isn’t my job just having conversations with people? I needed this today.

8. We only hear what we want to hear.

9. I tell him about the call and that I feel really good about this little town that we call home. There’s some promise here. I’m encouraged.

10. I should really call my parents.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty

1. It’s not time yet, but it also feels like it’s time.

2. There is time for this: bake the potatoes, caramelize the onions, cook the bacon.

3. At some point I just need to sit down and write.

4. He says we need to be in the car by 8:20 am but we got in the car at 8:23. Apparently none of us know when the bell really rings. He’s just tardy every day. Oy.

5. All of the feelings.

6. “Just…walk…down…the…sidewalk…”

7. I knew she was going to pick me. I feel out of my league. So out of my league. But I do belong here; I can do this.

8. The sound of rain. Full on soup. Old John Mayer.

9. It gets easier the more times you do it. Breathe through the mouth.

10. Today is harder than yesterday.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Nine

1. He’s not moving.

2. Let’s see if I can stick to the plan.

3. Less distracting writing a the dining room table instead of my desk. A brightening sky.

4. Focus.

5. Talking on the phone with a familiar voice. Oh, yeah. I do miss this.

6. Chicken Tortilla Soup. I ask him to take a walk. I think of the last job and how they integrated different types of meetings as an option in the Outlook calendar. My last meeting was a walking meeting. Way more productive than a seated meeting.

7. Sore all over and it’s not from the yoga.

8. Late.

9. We’re all struggling.

10. “I’m trying to respect your boundaries.”

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Eight

1. Finally made it past 5 am.

2. Oat milk cappuccino. Watching the fog lift. Noticing the pale, pale, orange-pink sky behind the silhouette of the trees.

3. So quiet.

4. Someone is out on the green by the pond. What are they doing? Talking to the swans?

5. I catch myself not thinking it’s a big deal but that number is a lot. How is it that the number suddenly seems attainable?

6. “Godless” and laundry.

7. The smell is redwood. Burned redwood. Petrichor? Blue, black, and white birds overhead. What is burned? What is “fall?”

8. “Godless” and Scorpio New Moon vision board.

9. Charlie Brown Christmas. 2018 Sarah’s Vineyard Pinot Noir Tondré’s Vineyard. “Digital Minimalism.”

10. Incredibly loud crunch.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Seven

1. Not going to even check the time.

2. How much longer until I should leave? At least another 4 hours.

3. Watching the sky come alive. Fog still low and milky. It looks like a painting.

4. I don’t want to go, but I also do.

5. I really do live in a beautiful place.

6. No one is wearing masks. No one.

7. “After the rain has fallen /After the tears have washed your eyes / You'll find that I've taken nothing, that / Love can't replace in the blink of an eye / After the thunder's spoken, and / After the lightning bolt's been hurled / After the dream is broken, there'll / Still be love in the world'“ - “After the Rain Has Fallen”, Sting

8. Only one pound of chicken thighs came, not three. Golden Harvest it is.

9. “My Sloppy Joe is all sloppy, no Joe!” “My Kung Pao Chicken is all Kung Pao, no chicken!”

10. So much giggling. Genuine joy.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Six

1. Getting better at navigating in the dark.

2. Interrupting the quiet with the sound of the grinder.

3. Move the table outside. The three of us can fit in the dining room again, right? Vacuum. Light incense.

4. I wish she could come three times a week.

5. Jittery and distracted. Week two of the declutter and realizing that I have to rework the boundary on tech now that work is thrown back into the mix. How responsive does one need to be?

6. Rain. Real rain. Soothing rain. The kind of rain that makes you want to go back to bed and read until you fall asleep.

7. No snacks.

8. It’s a weird feeling seeing it posted. Realizing, once again, that even if you are the one who initiates change, it can still be painful. Even when doing the leaving is the best thing to do, you can still feel the sting of loss.

9. Can Dream Big Darling be a monthly thing?

10. 2005 Araujo Estate Eisele Vineyard Sauvignon Blanc. 1978 Robert Mondavi Cabernet Sauvignon. 1975 Chateau St. Jean Cabernet Sauvignon. 1985 Diamond Creek Gravelly Meadow Cabernet Sauvignon. 1975 Joseph Phelps Vineyards Eisele Vineyard Cabernet Sauvignon. 1997 Dunn Vineyards Howell Mountain Cabernet Sauvignon. 1996 Araujo Estate Eisele Vineyard Syrah.

11. I tell her that my goal is to own land in Mendocino, mixed-use, but definitely with a vineyard. She asks me if I’ve talked to Theo.

12. Note to self: Speak up more. Let people know what you want. Someone can help you get it.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Five

1. Sigh.

2. I wake up early, but her light is always on before mine.

3. I go ahead and make the coffee.

4. Ripples in the pond. Squawking jays. Thin gray squirrels jumping from branch to branch.

5. The circular conversation.

6. She asks me how I’m feeling. I am feeling all the feelings.

7. Leftover beef stroganoff before scrubbing toilets.

8. We decide that just because I wake up at 4:00 am, it doesn’t mean I should start working at 4:30 am.

9. Their faces and their voices and their stories. Laughing. Finding some joy.

10. Sigh.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. I guess they didn’t come today.

2. Wait. 4:12 am? That would be why they didn’t wake me up; they haven’t come yet.

3. What else to do but get to work.

4. Model Bakery at 6:40 am and we are not the first people. He orders a bag of muffins, gloves one his hands. He leaves in a newish Corvette.

5. I press send.

6. Not a repeat.

7. Hours. Always hours with her. He says we always giggle.

8. He ask me how I’m feeling. I say I am feeling all the things. I am a mixture of feelings: relief, sadness, anger, confusion about said anger.

9. I forgot to call.

10. Is it Friday? Only Wednesday.