Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-Four

1. Morning-night.

2. Can’t stop looking up.

3. You can smell more smoke here.

4. For not the cloud/smoke cover, the entire vineyard would be illuminated by the moon and the stars.

5. Long shower before sleep.

6. He’s right; the boxed food just isn’t as good as when it comes to you on a plate.

7. I’m trying to have the same sense of adventure.

8. I think I will take a few days off next week.

9. I edit some of the photos. Not bad for the first time in complete darkness. This brings me some joy.

10. Cold corn soup.

11. A little bit of headache. Maybe it is the smoke, too.

12. Still can’t find the magazine.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-Three

1. Waiting for coffee.

2. Hazy gray giving way to pale orange. Quiet.

3. I cover my eyes.

4. I sit in the chair and try to work and then remember that he has to be on zoom. Oh yeah, school.

5. I cry a little.

6. But, I am incredibly surprised at his compliance.

7. I hear him say that he doesn’t have the cards, that he left them at home. I send an email to all of the teachers: all we took was the chromebooks.

8. I want a book.

9. I cry a little more.

10. There is no where to go, to take them into.

11. At least we have more underwear.

12. I read the email exchanges. People are just worried and that is fair.

13. I close my eyes to fend off the headache.

14. He says that it is possible to care too much about the wrong thing.

15. I order the same thing. Comfort in repetition.

16. All the stars.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-Two

1. What time is it? Exactly the right time to get up.

2. I sit quietly waiting for the children to wake up so we can order food and coffee. I need coffee.

3. Grumbling stomach. Grateful we can eat.

4. A lot of messages. Too many to respond to.

5. Hazy sky. Pretty colors. Pollution.

6. Each one doing zoom-school: one on the cot, one on the sofa, one at the table. Everyone asking everyone else to quiet down so they can hear.

7. Hard to get started when you feel so behind on everything.

8. He keeps asking me how I’m doing. I realize that the expressionless face is probably just a function of fatigue and shock.

9. The thing is that I’m not meeting my own expectations. Making silly mistakes because of…well, everything.

10. There are a lot of people out but maybe they are not people just out for the heck of it. Maybe they are people like us, people who had to leave and are just doing what they have to do, which is be out and eating out.

11. Yeah. It just isn’t the right fit and that’s okay. That’s going to happen. The thing is, what’s next?

12. I get it though. I get the need for something that feels more normal.

13. It will be cold.

14. I feel like I don’t know where I am even though I’m not that far from home.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-One

1. Those trucks are so darn loud. 5:34am.

2. Day two of school. Let’s see who can log in today.

3. Celery juice. Leftover zucchini. I pour a cup of coffee.

4. Not good. Headache. Nauseated. Lay down. Set alarm for 7:45 to wake the kids up. Close eyes.

5. So much to do today. Sit up. Head spins, Lay back down. Throw up.

6. He comes and asks me for help with his chromebook. I get up out of bed to meet him at the door but run to the bathroom instead.

7. Evacuation advisory for Angwin/Deer Park. I tell him we need to make the go bag tonight.

8. I sit on the floor and fold everything Marie Kondo-style. Fit everything into the bag. Doorbell. I bet it’s someone telling us we need to go.

9. Another neighbor rings the bell. “Yes, Patricia told us. We’re leaving.” Sirens. A police car playing a message on loop. We need to go.

10. The further away we get, the more of the fire we can see.

11. I forgot shower caps. Of course.

12. There are some things I couldn’t find in time because so much is still in boxes. And the boxes aren’t in order like I would have liked them to be because of the time crunch we were under to pack. We haven’t even been here long enough to properly prepare.

13. Should we have taken both cars? Will it matter?

14. What a very, very strange month. Year.

15. What would you do if everything was just gone?

16. The new first aid kit, flashlights, and N95s were supposed to arrive Friday, the generator on Monday.

17. But, of course, Nature doesn’t wait.

18. Safe.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Forty

1. Is that just acorns and leaves, or rain?

2. Dark and quiet. Fall is coming.

3. Make a list.

4. First day of school. Still can’t login. Call school. Maybe someone will answer? It’s okay if we miss the first day, right?

5. Early start.

6. Little traces of smoke up here but the text alerts mean that the fires have expanded.

7. Bright, bright sun. Blue sky and gauzy clouds.

8. But at least they are clean.

9. But seriously, you can be anything you want to be.

10. He says that the clouds look very strange. Those aren’t clouds, sweetie.

11. It’s still very hot. The alerts keep coming. The power turns back on.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Nine

1. Is it going to rain again?

2. I think it’s going to rain again.

3. The last banana, a little over-ripe.

4. I think I could do this for the rest of my life.

5. Fire along the ridge.

6. I move the boxes out of the way and check the light. A little dark but it will work better.

7. The hour goes by too fast.

8. No power.

9. The plume is significantly larger. We have a lot of planning to do.

10. No service.

11. Alerts.

12. Generator ordered.

13. Her password doesn’t work. Well…I guess missing the first day of school wouldn’t be the worst idea.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Eight

1. I think I see lightning.

2. Rain drop on nose.

3. How to describe the shade of red on the woodpeckers? Saying “red” doesn’t feel adequate. Carmine? Cornell? Fire Brick? Madder? Turkey Red?

4. I don’t have enough eggs. It’s overcast. It’s going to rain. This is not normal. It’s my curse.

5. I could live here forever.

6. Well, I’m definitely not going to hear anything now.

7. A wine barrel painted black. In white letters, “BLM.”

8. Belated birthday dinner of smoked chicken, broccoli, and rice.

9. I ask him if it’s my imagination or are there more “Black Lives Matter” signs here than the last town.

10. Cookies and cream ice cream cake. Something like a cool breeze.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Seven

1. A little bit of cool air before the heat comes.

2. Still tired.

3. One cup of green juice and a banana. Coffee while I stare out at the trees.

4. Hmmmm.

5. I get excited but then realize that it might be futile.

6. I’m getting used to disappointing myself. No, it’s not that. It’s understanding that so much is shifting, my capacity is not what it used to be/normally is. This is okay. This is temporary.

7. The line is wrapped around the building. We grab a burger and eat it in the car before deciding to just turn back around and go home. What were even thinking?

8. He tells me that I’ve been working a lot. Like, a lot. And I almost start to cry. I am just tired.

9. She tells me she’s waiting on a new hair product to tame the grays. The grays just won’t behave. I laugh. I tell them about my rogue gray hair that never seem to make it into the braids.

10. Pizza from Tra Vigne. Sonoma Fig.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Six

1. Slept in.

2. An alarm going off in another room. No one is turning it off. I unplug it from the wall. Who’s trying to wake up at 6:15 in the morning?

3. Naysayer Coffee for breakfast. I already need another bag.

4. I sit down and watch the treetops take on a golden hue. I miss books. I can’t remember the last time I sat down and just read.

5. Where else will you see hot air balloons on your drive to the doctor?

6. A giant wall of cheese. Super narrow aisles. I don’t think I can come back in here again. At least, not in the middle of the day.

7. Beds came early. I think this is going to work out just fine.

8. This music.

9. Bullseye. He’s a natural. He always has been.

10. No one wants to be in the ER on a Thursday night.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Five

1. What time is it?

2. The garbage truck is so loud. Are they almost gone? It’s cold. I don’t want to get from under the covers.

3. Gray-blue light.

4. Big leaves, some green, some yellow, some brown. Autumn is coming.

5. All of these technical things.

6. I move outside for a breath of fresh air only to realize the landscapers are coming through. Back inside.

7. I stand at the top of the stairs. I finally feel like I’ve caught my breath.

8. She says the earliest she can do coffee is 10:00 am because she has water aerobics. Oh yeah, I’m about to have coffee with a bunch of old retired ladies and I kind of love it. I tell him another one is a history professor. He reminds me that I love smart, old ladies.

9. The oldest made dinner while I braided my hair. His sister and brother compliment him. We all do.

10. Still so many boxes. Still not enough energy to decide where I want everything to go. Still more furniture to order.

11. Tomorrow we will go and shoot the bow.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Four

1. 3:30am on the dot. I knew it would happen. I’m turning into my mother.

2. What are those noises? Probably acorns hitting the roof and the deck.

3. Rolled up yoga mat on the floor. I miss my practice.

4. 5:45am and still so dark; autumn is coming.

5. I draft all of the emails, look at everything again. Today will be a busy day.

6. Phone keeps buzzing. Should turn notifications off.

7. There are many lists and the lists are very long.

8. I take a break and walk down the deck stairs and stand under a tree. Tiny lizard scurries by my toe. Maybe that can be the pet they keep asking for. No. Last thing I need is someone telling me they lost the lizard somewhere in the house.

9. I walk around to the front of the house to catch some sun and lay down on the front the deck with my eyes closed. This will be a good spot on sunny winter days.

10. I do miss the people though. I really do miss my people.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Three

1. No rest for the weary.

2. Pine needles falling into my coffee.

3. The morning passes by too quickly; it’s already time to leave.

4. The hospital wi-fi won’t let me look at anything related to alcohol. I laugh. There goes my plan for working while I sit in the parking lot.

5. He says nothing because there is nothing to say. I feel a sense of peace.

6. Dopey.

7. After a whole day of fasting, he’s hungry. I settle for a salad. The others get their usual.

8. Getting better at making peace with mistakes.

9. I really wanted to get those braids done.

10. I keep telling myself that I just need to make it a few more days and then I’ll have time. This is a lie I keep telling myself.

11. They are still awake. Returning to a school schedule is going to be hard. Speaking of school, I still need to register them. Where is the paperwork? To whom do I send it? If he’s distance-learning, does he still have to have the Dtap in order to register? Where can we go get one?

12. Why do all the questions come when what you need most is a quiet mind?

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Two

1. Brisk. Dress plus sweater.

2. Naysayer coffee with the neighbor’s bread. Perfect match.

3. I tell him we need a new picture for the press release. I make him get dressed and we head down the street. I give him a glass and some dummy wine. I can hear the feet of locals on their walks, getting in some fresh air before the heat and tourists are out again.

4. That was simple enough.

5. Nothing available for at least two months. I get the beds but they will be on the floor for a little while longer.

6. Load after load after load.

7. To braid, or not to braid?

8. Nap.

9. I take her gift of shishitos and blister them in the leftover bacon fat. The kids love them. They say they would be even better fried. I agree. The little one insists that we need to get a deep fryer for shishitos, but also beignets, donuts, fried chicken, and french fries. He’s not wrong.

10. Still so much to do.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-One

1. Yellow gladioli in bloom.

2. Must order beds.

3. Hydrate.

4. Apricot Croissant with toasted slivered almonds. I mean.

5. The drive is windy. Petrified forests. Mark West Quarry.

6. A tiny tree growing from a crack on the side of the road. It has yellow and red and brown leaves. Autumn is coming.

7. There’s a bag hanging from the door. Inside, a little cake and a note from a neighbor that doesn’t even live on our circle. “For your morning coffee.”

8. The three of them try to show me how to use the little pocket knife without cutting myself. I ask her if she knows of any places where my oldest can learn how to shoot a bow. She tells me her father runs the local club and that she can show us on Thursday; she will grab her mom’s bow for him to try. I leave with one knife called “Superbread.” I also leave with an even greater sense that this was 100 percent the right choice.

9. Buster’s BBQ is legit and will go back. Should have gotten 2 slabs. LOLA wines

10. Dinner outside.

11. Maybe it’s time to take a break from the braids.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty

1. Better.

2. Relaxed.

3. The softness of the light as it filters into the room.

4. Leaves on the deck. Evidence that the season is shifting.

5. Nope. Slow down. Their need to rush does not mean that I need to rush.

6. We drive down to the farmer’s market to grab salad greens and leave with 2 heads of local romaine, a fresh baguette, and a wedge of aged goat’s milk cheese. I could spend more time here but I’ve got to get back home.

7. Just being outside.

8. The more I start to settle in, the more relaxed I feel, which means I’m thinking more clearly.

9. Our happy hour lasts for 3 hours and it is one of the best parts of my week.

10. Looking forward to: coffee in the morning, sitting and talking to the trees, picking out a new knife, unpacking more and more and more boxes.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Nine

1. 6:12. Yes.

2. What a solid night of sleep can do.

3. I did not unpack one box yesterday and that is okay. It is okay.

4. I feel like I’ve always been here. Must be the trees.

5. I do miss the snails.

6. Marking off items one by one. Momentum.

7. The tiny birds that make no noise. They just suddenly appear at your foot, hopping from tree to deck to tree to deck.

8. Who’s going to do my hair?

9. “Your success going forward rests on you changing the way that you think about and speak to yourself.  You’ve come too far to lose your place in your future because of a crippling refusal to change your mind, words.  Daughter, be free of fear...” - Vagabroad Journals

10. He’s not happy about the salmon. It’s his least favorite dish. I don’t care. I can’t wait. One big bite of salmon and risotto.

11. Joy.

12. Just like Roxy to keep us on track for the big vision of things.

13. I listen to them talk and it reminds me to remind them that anything they want to have and achieve is possible. It’s possible.

14. “I am the source of time.” - Gay Hendricks

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Eight

1. 5:36am. Experiment worked.

2. Soft morning light.

3. Check.

4. I should pay more attention to the weather.

5. Look up at the trees.

6. So incredibly hard to work with no wireless. I can’t get any closer to the window. Trying to do as much as possible before it drops again.

7. He was right, though. This is the work that excites me. Keep chasing that feeling.

8. Sunlight.

9. Tiny Bouganviela petals all huddled together in the neck of the curb. The juxtaposition of paper-thin petals and chipped paint. I can’t help myself.

10. She offers more time and I take it. I am too tired to even try to hustle and get it done. But the longer I take, the longer the list becomes. So many more ideas fill the head. Practice discernment.

11. “Leave room for little luxuries. Leave room for big love. Leave room for the power of pleasure.”

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Seven

1. 3:36am.

2. Can I please just go back to waking up at 5?

3. This just feels so different, so much more right.

4. I tell him that I was reading my horoscope this morning and it talked about me needing to communicate from a place of power and truth. Oh, yeah. That sounds about right.

5. Skinny squirrels.

6. Waiting for the sun to break through. There is fog. Yes.

7. Pressing against windows to steal wi-fi. That box better come tomorrow.

8. Expanding the idea of what’s possible. If I could, what would I do? What can I do?

9. She brings flowers and chow-chow and tomatoes from her garden. We sit on the back deck and talk. A moment of normalcy.

10. Well, maybe if I just stay up later I won’t wake up at 3:30 in the morning again. I go from box to box to box. Leon Bridges is the only thing I can listen to without wi-fi. I forgot how catchy his music is.

11. When is that issue coming out.

12. I know what to do next.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Six

1. 3:00am.

2. So hot.

3. Watching the morning sun light illuminate the valley. Vineyard views before breakfast.

4. Surreal.

5. Just say the thing that needs to be said.

6. Spinach and Feta Croissant. Perfect.

7. Both/And.

8. Just say the thing that needs to be said.

9. I still don’t.

10. It’s hot, even in the shade.

11. He grunts and groans and I can see the silver in his hair and the lines on his face. He tells me that the noises are just a thing he does and that he’s been doing this since he was 19.

12. We should get a tutor.

13. No. It’s not my imagination. This is the very most right thing.

14. She helps me put the hammock together. I remind her that she liked it so much that she forgot about her fear.

15. I feel behind. And yet, I know that I will catch up.

16. 5 years, 1 month, 3 days.

17. “What’s next?”

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Five

1. 12:46am

2. 2:25

3. I feel a stab of sadness, then worry over the logistics of everything. Is there even enough time? What else can go?

4. I watch the snails. I envy them. I want to return to that kind of slowness. No, not the slowness, the intentionality. I’ve drifted away from it.

5. It’s his birthday. 9. I tell him this is actually a lucky birthday. He’s the the third kid and he’s 9. 3 cubed. Not to mention it’s also a full moon.

6. What are my optimum conditions?

7. The drive is quick.

8. This really was a good idea.

9. The sun is hot but it feels good. Eyes taking in the expanse of the horizon.

10. Now, the next hill.