Ten.One Thousand & Thirty

1. It’s only 3:18. There’s no way I’m going to fall back asleep.

2. Remember to take a Zyrtec today.

3. This. Behold the beauty of multi-use clothing. I iron out the wrinkles and slip it over my head.

4. It’s good to see her face. Really see her and talk to her. I think of her forsythia and the big maple in front of her house. I think of her last October under the umbrella at Scribe.

5. I tell him that all of my friend-chats this week start with J: Jennette, Julie, and JJ! He is not as amused as I am.

6. They’ve outfitted them with black masks, everyone.

7. I tell him that I actually can’t listen to his albums anymore. That I literally wake up every day with one of his songs stuck in my head. We laugh. But seriously, no more.

8. She asks if she can make lemon bars. I point to the small pile of lemons on the chair that I collected this morning.

9. I miss their delivery, but I know I needed a time out.

10. The thought: They didn’t like it; they hated it. In fact, she hasn’t emailed me back because they need to edit too much of it. Feeling behind the thought: Fear coupled with Imposter Syndrome. They will never ask me to write anything again; I am a hack after all. Reality: She told me they had meetings this week and that she wouldn’t even really get to it until maybe today. They may have other, more important things to address besides my tense shift. Or, the original thought could be accurate, but it doesn’t mean that I’m a hack. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it.

11. Gratitude for tools that allow me to analyze my own thought process to keep me from spiraling.

12. Just point it to where you want it to go.

Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-Nine

1. It feels warmer in here than I want it to.

2. The birds are the loudest before the first light of day. Their loud songs remind me of mornings on the ranch.

3. Celery juice. Fresh apple and carrot and ginger. That feeling you get when you feel like you just need to start everything over. Erase everything. Begin again.

4. Coffe on the chaise, no children.

5. Will they touch?

6. Her in her hat. Her voice. Her laugh. I thought this was going to be the year I got to sit with her in her garden.

7. Bike ride for recess. They’re mowing down the grass at the park. Thank goodness. Maybe next week we can have a baseball unit for recess.

8. I just can’t imagine how anyone will be able to go to school by late July. I wonder about his reasons for saying that. But I assume it must come back to money. And, if people have to go back to work, school is, in a way, a form of childcare.

9. What would it look like for us to maintain the aspects of quarantine life that nourish us?

10. The light is just too good.

Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-Nine

1. It feels warmer in here than I want it to.

2. The birds are the loudest before the first light of day. Their loud songs remind me of mornings on the ranch.

3. Celery juice. Fresh apple and carrot and ginger. That feeling you get when you feel like you just need to start everything over. Erase everything. Begin again.

4. Coffe on the chaise, no children.

5. Will they touch?

6. Her in her hat. Her voice. Her laugh. I thought this was going to be the year I got to sit with her in her garden.

7. Bike ride for recess. They’re mowing down the grass at the park. Thank goodness. Maybe next week we can have a baseball unit for recess.

8. I just can’t imagine how anyone will be able to go to school by late July. I wonder about his reasons for saying that. But I assume it must come back to money. And, if people have to go back to work, school is, in a way, a form of childcare.

9. What would it look like for us to maintain the aspects of quarantine life that nourish us?

10. The light is just too good.

Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-Eight

1. I’m not really asleep anymore.

2. Remember to see the haiku in everything.

3. Early start to the day. Setting the intention. Remembering the whys. Doing something which sometimes means doing nothing.

4. It all seems so much easier once you write it down.

5. There aren’t as many snails on the patio. Temperature? Is it because we didn’t water the back yard? Have most of them completed their journey? Am I just too late?

6. She asks to go on a bike ride for recess. We join her. The streets are quiet save the mail truck and one car zooming around the curve. I think of that picture of Leishla on her bike. It does feel like flying.

7. Officially extended.

8. No one wants to make dinner. But this morning I told myself I wanted to spend more time in the kitchen because I know it nourishes me.

9. I just miss my friends. That’s all.

10. Why am I still awake?

Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-Seven

1. Pre-dawn’s pale blue light. Shadows.

2. I make a mental list of what is to get done today. What do I need to set myself up for the week ahead? What do I want to do? What is it that I don’t want to do?

3. I tell him that no, I didn’t have it before though. I never experienced it in the same way I do now.

4. The resistance is really just fear and so I remind myself that the opportunity wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t already prepared for it. There is no reason for me to be afraid. And, didn’t I say that this is what I wanted?

5. Invisible weights lifted.

6. So quiet. I think of the last time I left the house. A week? We all lose track of the days, remind one another at mealtimes even though there’s a calendar on the wall. Time has no meaning. Time has always been a construct.

7. She makes me laugh. She also gives me just the right amount of advice. I had been googling the wrong words and that is why I couldn’t find my answer. But really, everyone needs someone who is willing to push you.

8. I tell her that she’s the second person today to ask me about my book. Message received.

9. I put the book down. It’s making my anxiety go up.

10. Just grateful.

Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-Six

1. I hear the clacking of the blinds first and then I hear his feet making their way across the floor. I was starting to rouse anyway.

2. Need water.

3. I check on the snails. Two babies. Two teeny, tiny babies make the morning just right.

4. Scarf down the hashbrowns to get to the coffee faster.

5. The words are there.

6. The thin cloud cover makes being under the sun a little more tolerable. There is a cool breeze. I drag the hammock stand so that my legs will feel the sun.

7. Dappled light on blank pages.

8. I keep catching myself looking at their faces and wondering how it’s possible I gave birth to all three of them. Who let me be responsible for the care of humans? How strange it is to have the capability of bearing and raising life when one knows so very little about the world.

9. Bargaining for pieces of candy.

10. I just want to be done.

Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-Five

1. Warm. Too warm. I forgot about this.

2. If I get a weighted blanket will I still be too hot? Do I need a light summer blanket? Must find a solution.

3. Shredded wheat and coffee before the last day of lecture. I double-check the campaigns for work and then settle in.

4. Today I feel fully present, in more ways than one. “Everything is a haiku.”

5. Where will I uncover the epiphanies? The epiphanies are in everything.

6. I think I have a decent start here. I can do this.

7. All the notifications telling me that my events have been cancelled. I tell her that this is a time of surrender. And then I wonder how often “surrender” is confused with “giving up.” It is not giving up but arriving at some kind of clarity about which battles are worth fighting. I no longer and fighting for certainty. I can only surrender to uncertainty and then make the next best choice based on the information immediately at hand.

8. They eat all the leftover croutons.

9. This one, this one also has a candied cherry quality but the acidity is still high and left a little bit of residual sugar to mitigate the bitterness. Best served very chilled when it’s 90 degrees outside.

10. He chuckles. “You did that by propping your phone up on a water bottle?” I just needed to create.

Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-Four

1. Bird song. The sun will be up soon. The morning air feels more humid than usual.

2. I just want some bacon. How come no one wants to eat bacon anymore?

3. Space.

4. I can’t seem to focus today. Must be the self-imposed pressure.

5. School is taking place on the sofa today. The three of them, quietly working. We have another month of this. I think it will be okay.

6. A few more sentences but I can’t seem to think. I lay in the hammock to shake things loose. The neighbor is reaching over the fence to harvest oranges. They do belong to him but why the need to reach over the fence? We both pretend like we don’t see each other.

7. I realize that I need to get off the screens. My eyes are tired from all of the scrolling.

8. It tastes a little bit like a watermelon Jolly Rancher.

9. Ribs.

10. I remind myself that this isn’t a thought I need to keep.

Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-Three

1. What is that light? Where did it come from?

2. I wonder if there is a tiny piece of lemon bar for me to have with this morning’s coffee? Maybe she can make them again this weekend.

3. But the shell on this one.

4. Huh. Look at that it. Turns out I’ve never seen anyone clean my beer glass the correct way.

5. He has me read the letter from the school district. I’m not surprised. Between the Governor’s refusal to give a timeline and that 6.8% increase in confirmed cases yesterday, I had a feeling we wouldn’t be starting school in July.

6. Which means, in some ways, that I get a little bit of freedom back.

7. I step out into the sun. They ask if we are looking for a new house yet because we really need a pool. I mean, it’s the firsts day over 80. Calm down.

8. “Besides receiving the damaged item today, how’s your day going?” “Russ, I can’t really complain. I live in California. It’s sunny and hot and it’s beautiful. I really can’t complain.”

9. I show him the first round of her designs. I’m giddy. “You could have never done that.” “No. That’s why I haven’t done anything with this in 3 years. And I didn’t really feel like learning how to do it.”

10. It doesn’t take much convincing to just order the pizza. I don’t really want to cook anyway. I just want to sit in the sun.

Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-Three

1. What is that light? Where did it come from?

2. I wonder if there is a tiny piece of lemon bar for me to have with this morning’s coffee? Maybe she can make them again this weekend.

3. But the shell on this one.

4. Huh. Look at that it. Turns out I’ve never seen anyone clean my beer glass the correct way.

5. He has me read the letter from the school district. I’m not surprised. Between the Governor’s refusal to give a timeline and that 6.8% increase in confirmed cases yesterday, I had a feeling we wouldn’t be starting school in July.

6. Which means, in some ways, that I get a little bit of freedom back.

7. I step out into the sun. They ask if we are looking for a new house yet because we really need a pool. I mean, it’s the firsts day over 80. Calm down.

8. “Besides receiving the damaged item today, how’s your day going?” “Russ, I can’t really complain. I live in California. It’s sunny and hot and it’s beautiful. I really can’t complain.”

9. I show him the first round of her designs. I’m giddy. “You could have never done that.” “No. That’s why I haven’t done anything with this in 3 years. And I didn’t really feel like learning how to do it.”

10. It doesn’t take much convincing to just order the pizza. I don’t really want to cook anyway. I just want to sit in the sun.

Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-Two

1. Well-rested.

2. I realize that there is a scheduling conflict which means that I have to miss them today. How did I miss that little detail?

3. I get the big Bialetti out and grind the Coltrane because I feel like one very good cup of coffee. Boiled eggs and beet horseradish. Should have made bacon.

4. I remind him that my beer class starts today and how I was reading the book and seeing similarities to wine and how I’m excited to learn a little bit more. Beer is also cheaper.

5. Happy to see so many of us on the call for this. So grateful that Mike put this together. So grateful to have space in my schedule to study this.

6. Maybe too much coffee?

7. I stay outside and finish my work. The warmth of the sun. The scent of cigar smoke coming over the fence. Voices between my ears, fingers trying to keep up with the words.

8. I stop mixing the sauce and walk over to the desk, grab a pen and a yellow pad and scribble down the sentence. And then three more. And then two more after that. There is the last line and the start of the piece.

9. I can hear music. I’m tucked away in the office. It sounds like a party. I roll my eyes but the music is good. I step outside to figure out where it’s coming from.

10. “They say that if you’re saying stuff on the internet and you don’t make at least one person mad, then you’re not really saying anything important.” We laugh.

11. Oh, but, the lesson in this is that I still care too much. Is that a thing?

12. “When will I learn to love being disliked?”

Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-One

1. Up before the alarm but that’s a good thing.

2. I run through the list of to-dos for today and it seems long.

3. Set the intention.

4. She says I set my expectations too high. That I already know better. And also: boundaries.

5. I read the words and then I start to worry. I tell myself that the worry is just imposter syndrome at work. The thought doesn’t make the heart stop its fluttering.

6. Words of affirmation.

7. I watch the snap of net as the ball goes through. There’s something so satisfying about the sound and the visual. Snap-swish.

8. The two of them go on a bike ride together. Back too soon. The handlebar on the newly assembled bike was too loose, he fell. He’s fine but they walked the bikes back.

9. Mojito Monday.

10. Everything will be fine.

11. I start to read before my eyelids get too heavy. There is so much information here, so much. This will be good for me, though.

Ten. One Thousand & Twenty

1. Morning light creeping in.

2. I decide to reheat a biscuit and slather it with butter. Oranges.

3. They’re still sleeping and this quiet is just right for a Sunday.

4. Still a little cool, even in the sun, but I crave the fresh air. Their roses are deep fuschia and bursting. I also have new yellow blooms. Nature keeps on giving.

5. I type out the list of questions, move them around, think about the logistics of things. I’m just happy to finally have it on the schedule.

6. The heat of the sun on my bare legs.

7. Kale and mustard greens and swiss chard, broccolini. I will need to find a good recipe for kohlrabi. Potatoes and oranges are welcome. Wine is an added delight.

8. I tell him we’re going to have to start rethinking how we buy from them because, well, they aren’t good people. And we shouldn’t give them our money.

9. I can’t offer what I think they really need and that feels disheartening. I think back to the article that said how much his wealth has accrued during the pandemic and think about all the good that could be done with it. I shake my head.

10. Early to bed. Is it just a case of the Sundays?

Ten.One Thousand & Nineteen

1. It feels like it's time to get up.

2. Forgot to send the re-cap. It probably doesn't matter, but I don't like it when I forget to do things.

3. Coffee on the chaise.

4. He asks me if I'm working. I'm only working a little bit. And then there's this project, and yeah, I could try to work on it during the week, but I don't have the mental space Monday-Friday. This is the only time to move this particular project forward.

5. I break and fold the cloth napkins. The fresh air is coming through the open door.

6. The neighbor and I talk, distantly, of course. She says they can't find spices or produce in the store. I tell her we do the CSA box from the farm down the street. It's not cheap, but it's a better value than selecting items on your own. We talk about having to get our spices delivered. Her daughter started cooking and wants to go to The French Laundry. We laugh. I say, "maybe for her 21st birthday."

7. So much sun.

8. I start to make a list of questions. What do I need to know? What will make the most sense? "What is the one question you don't want to be asked ever again?"

9. These are the best cookies she's ever made.

10. Early to bed.

Ten.One Thousand & Eighteen

1. Go and watch the snail friends and remember to take it slow.

2. I drink my coffee slowly, quietly. I start to get up and then remember there is no where to go.

3. Why is it that they always need me right when this gets started? One ear on the group and one ear on the child trying to help them.

4. The exercise is simple but profound. I will use this again. I need to get this book, I think.

5. I tell them that my word for this time is Pandemic Pace. I also see the privilege in being able to be grateful for this slowing down.

6. It wouldn’t be so bad.

7. Is it retrograde? Why is it that communication seems to be failing this week? Check the charts. Or maybe it’s just me.

8. I could get used to sitting here.

9. We move his room around in order to accomodate the old love seat. I don’t like the way the furniture is arranged. Visually, it upsets me. But he says the 12-year old doesn’t care. All the boy cares about is having a sofa in his room.

10. I need to cool down from my bath. I step outside onto the patio and feel the cool night air. The only sound is that of the palm trees rustling in the wind.

Ten.One Thousand & Seventeen

1. Fresher. The benefit of falling asleep before 9pm.

2. Fancy coffee or regular coffee? After having proper beans, it’s hard to not notice the lack of depth in the regular coffee.

3. Thirsty.

4. I figure if I just get started now, I’ll still be done with enough time to do the other work.

5. What do you call a large gathering of snails?

6. The roses are just.

7. I’m the first one out in HORSE today, which is kind of a relief. I just want to sit in the sun.

8. We get more dirt and transplant the peas. I noticed one little tomato plant is also starting to grow. I need a plastic tarp so I can make a mini-greenhouse for the seedlings. Maybe this weekend.

9. How this is all playing out dampers my excitement. I mean, I’m still excited, but I wish this was going more smoothly. But it will be fine.

10. I don’t know what to read, so I just pick up that last issue of HBR to finish in the tub. Remember to share the article “Creating a Trans-inclusive WorkPlace.”

11. “I think talent is a grace, an unearned gift, and it comes with an obligation to use it as well as you can.” - Dean Koontz, Harvard Business Review

Ten.One Thousand & Sixteen

1. Sometimes the generic version just isn’t as good. Take this English muffin, for example.

2. I wait to brew the coffee. I need more water anyway.

3. Still nothing. I send an email. I get a reply. This conversation is not in my scope of duties. I better forward it along.

4. “These are big potatoes,” I say.

5. Desk-dance break. Gooey by Glass Animals

6. Why am I eating chicken noodle soup while sitting in the sun? But the heat on my face feels good. And the heat from within my body feels good. But now, I’m also sweating, and that doesn’t feel too good.

7. They choose HORSE again for recess. The big kid wins this time, but narrowly escaping the littlest. Fresh limeades for a refreshing drink. They do puzzles during quiet time. Note to self: buy more puzzles.

8. Sun, sun, sun. I reclaim the hammock while I research.

9. I should be writing.

10. “People like you to be something, preferably what they are.” - John Steinbeck, East of Eden

Ten.One Thousand & Fifteen

1. Just a little more time.

2. I pick out the sweater, but I know I’ll need to change after lunch. It will be too warm.

3. I make the coffee and then clean off the whiteboard. I make a schedule for the day. I don’t think they’re going to like it, but we all need it. Besides, there’s plenty of free time. Maybe too much free time. Perhaps I’m too idealistic.

4. So many snails. This one looks like he has a little more fire in him.

5. Waiting for the details.

6. Time for recess. We play HORSE. I lose to the 8-year old.

7. So much sun.

8. I ask him why he keeps coming in to talk to me instead of asking his father. “Did you just walk by Daddy to come to ask me a question?”

9. Beets. Forgot to make the beet horseradish. Maybe tomorrow.

10. So hot in the sun. Margarita because it’s Taco Tuesday.

Ten.One Thousand & Fourteen

1. Monday. Is it a work day or a holiday? I will work.

2. We still meet, but just a little later. I need more time to make the French Press anyway. It’s so worth the wait.

3. He remembers that he’s going to go to the store for the groceries that did not come in the other two deliveries.

4. I apologize for not anticipating needs.

5. Sunshine. I must get myself out into the sunshine today.

6. I tell myself to calm down. Grateful for the ability to catch the thought, to try to rework it in my mind right now.

7. Hummingbirds and butterflies.

8. He brings me a mojito with mint from the pot in the backyard. I like these more than I thought I would. Mojito Monday can be a thing.

9. Really gotta get them back on a schedule. But also, do we need to?

10. I listen to the album again. It might be the 10th time in 3 days.

Ten.One Thousand & Thirteen

1. Got to hide the eggs. It looks too wet outside. I’ll just hide them inside the house.

2. I make the scones. I think about adding a glaze but then remember that they will probably eat mostly jelly beans for breakfast.

3. I watch the coffee bloom.

4. They ask about baskets but I say that I couldn’t get them this year. They shrug their shoulders and take a tote bag to hunt for eggs.

5. There are still so many blessings in this.

6. I click the links and then save them so that I can print them later. I listen to a few of his interviews on NPR. We have a lot in common. This could be fun if it still happens.

7. Sway in the breeze. So many dandelions. We could make flower crowns.

8. It’s not that I’m angry. I’m just thinking and the thinking gets interrupted. And that’s what frustrates me.

9. Prime rib. Mashed potatoes with duck fat. Asparagus. Fresh rolls. Rioja.

10. 504 Girl.