Ten.Seven Hundred & Seventy-Six

1. A tap on the shoulder. I know who it is. And it’s probably already time for me to wake up.

2. Whose dog is barking at 5:30 in the morning?

3. Humidity.

4. I miss the piment d’ville. I’ll buy some the next time I’m up there. It was silly of me to have left without it.

5. The rows of cars split the field. The plants are low to the ground. I don’t know what they’re working on. My heart breaks a little; I think of how, most likely, the hands working these fields are the hands of vulnerable folks. That these are folks who may be even more afraid than I am about the current state of things.

6. Slow start but this is just the quiet before the storm.

7. Caballero. “Ah! The horseman!” “Ah!” I don’t know if he’s impressed or surprised or maybe both. I try to eaves drop, listen to him and his wife explain Pinot Noir to the daughter but in a language that they really know. It’s too loud for me to hear what I want. I need to practice my spanish.

8. Truth.

9. I am getting better at taking compliments. Also, she’s really good at giving compliments. I am not.

10. Gold everything.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Seventy-Five

1. Up before the alarm.

2. I come back for a second slice of toast with butter. Simple pleasures.

3. I can’t put the blinds back down. I tug and tug and tug and nothing.

4. What’s the average though? Does it matter? Maybe not. At least not yet.

5. But I’d rather sit here all day with my water and this book, and this book.

6. I move the stools to the chairs and then back against the wall. What I’m missing is life. I need a plant, a large one. I miss my garden.

7. Voluntate, studio, disciplina.

8. I order the tagliatelle mostly because I enjoy saying the word “tagliatelle.”

9. I remember that Romesco usually has nuts in it so we have to wait for the steak frites. Not surprised that he subbed the fresh catch for steak. Always steak for him. I steal a handful of truffle fries.

10. I tell him that what really excited me is that everytime I see her she’s always wearing real clothes. Which sounds like an odd thing to say or notice, but I do. I notice things like this.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. I wake up before the alarm; the light coming from the monitors wakes me. Maybe I do need a thicker curtain there?

2. The pancakes keep burning.

3. I really wish they wouldn’t cross in the middle of the street. They should really use the crosswalk. One of the these days someone is going to get hit.

4. Yes. This was the right choice.

5. So dry. The sky looks dusty.

6. I could spend forever in here sifting through linens and papers and wooden bread boards. But I”m really only here for the vintage silverware that’s on sale. 12 forks, 12 spoons, 12 butter knives. We find a vintage french champagne bucket for him.

7. This is not sparkling sake. This is beer.

8. This place is not much better but I’ll keep the tiny kombucha bottle.

9. It is so hot. Hot. Very hot. Hot in a way I haven’t felt in a long time. Maybe ever.

10. I find a corner of the sofa that is still illuminated by the evening light. I open the book and read. I don’t know where it’s going.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Seventy-Three

1. I close my eyes again.

2. I step outside to capture a little bit of the sky. Whatever coolness is here will be gone soon.

3. More flies.

4. I put in another load. I start to fold. I decide to take a break and move the sofa. I gently separate the pieces and move each one across the room. I just really feel like you should be looking out the window when you sit in this room.

5. Now, where do I put everything else?

6. Sometimes you just do things based on feel and it’s usually the right choice.

7. I decide that tonight will be an eat-everything-that’s-in-the-fridge kind of night. There’s no baseball. It will be a slow evening.

8. I tell him that what I learned was to stop judging. This was an instance where I was totally wrong. Maybe not totally. And this is also why I like to get to know people in their homes; to get a truer sense of them.

9. I am also aware that I can come off as unapproachable.

10. “Oh, I get it.”

Ten.Seven Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. What is today? Oh, Tuesday. Ok.

2. I remember that there is cereal so I can move more slowly today.

3. I fill the pot with water, ginger, orange slices, cardamom, peppercorns, cloves. I sweep while it simmers.

4. I tell her that the funny thing is that someone gave me one of these before and then I gave it to someone else. I’ve been thinking about it for the last few months and now here it is. I’ll take it as a sign.

5. But there’s barely anything on the belt.

6. It could be something. Maybe not. There is still time to decide.

7. In the next house I want a window over the kitchen sink.

8. We go to the library together, just the two of us. He sits down at a computer and searches for his books. I show him how to place books on hold. Proud.

9. Where did all of these flies come from?

10. I try not to think about the heat. They want to know if they’ll have to go to school when it’s 110 degrees. I hope not.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Seventy-One

1. Achey.

2. So I am not crazy. I knew I left the computer under the bed, not here on the table. A quick browse through the history shows me the truth. Now I have evidence to back up the punishment.

3. Going to force everyone to each what is already here before I go to the store again. There’s enough. There’s enough.

4. I make the bed before I leave.

5. Even if I could stop to take a picture I don’t think I could do it justice. And that’s okay. Sometimes you just have to expand your capacity for holding beauty, for not needing a witness to your witnessing.

6. I look past her to the hummingbird outside of the window. Good sign.

7. A candy bowl. Oh, yes. This is one of the things I missed about working in an office: food.

8. I zing him in the just right way. We’ll have a conversation about it later. For now, he gets to help me find the arborio rice.

9. Nope. Too hot.

10. Too many questions. Too many questions.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Seventy

1. Better.

2. I really do just like the light in this room.

3. I already know it’s supposed to be warmer today but there’s something about the color of the sunrise that proves it.

4. Avocado, egg, bacon. Coffee? No. No coffee.

5. Another salad of chicken, arugula, marinated onions; strawberries. The time in the morning goes by too quickly.

6. Really. How do you hate going to work when your commute looks like this? When will the wonder wear off? I hope it never does.

7. The combination of sky, ivy, and concrete.

8. I tell the young ones about my struggles with sarcasm. I don’t get it. I’m too serious.

9. This is what happens when you don’t make a meal plan.

10. So many countdowns.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. More sleep. Just want more sleep.

2. Lemon water. I slice up the avocado, drizzle extra-virgin olive oil, sprinkle Maldon salt and a little pepper.

3. Already time to go. I look in the mirror and set an intention.

4. It’s a humid morning, the fog is hanging around longer than usual. Gold and green and gray and blue.

5. “The edges, the very limited ways that our politics are organized around self-interested desires only; the things that “touch us at our homes,” but never, ever the other stuff, as if a Black Lives Matter march is not a queer project, as if Sakia’s life as a queer person is not also a part of what it means to fight for black liberation. And so, we do; we stop right there, which is why I like to be very clear, when I’m talking about love I’m talking about costly love, not cheap, Hallmark-ish love the way that we’ve come to imagine it.” - Darnell Moore, On Being

6. The upside is that I will be able to listen to more and more podcasts.

7. So many kids.

8. Weekend workouts at work.

9. “So I talk about un-becoming — not becoming a man, but what it might mean to un-become: our failing at this project, this cage, these ideas of manhood that have been mapped onto us. I think, to me, that is where our freedom lies.” - Darnell Moore, On Being

10. October is going to be good.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. Cleaning day.

2. Why is it always on Fridays that he has the hardest time getting up?

3. I realize that I work the next four days, away from home. There is a long list of things I’d like to get done and I can feel myself getting worked up. It feels like there isn’t enough time. Never enough time.

4. But there is enough time. And maybe it just requires me to think of new ways of doing things. Maybe it’s just that the old ways are no longer going to work. And maybe I will just be stumbling along for a little while longer until I figure out the best way.

5. Non Vintage Champagne Colin Premier Cru. Vietti Arneis. 2013 Broken Spur Pinot Noir. Decaf coffee.

6. I don’t hear him come in; too deep in sleep.

7. I take a picture of the peaches because they are so perfectly imperfect. I think of how I should really stop by the farmstand every day for that day’s produce. I think of how, really, it’s not any more expensive than the grocery store, so why shouldn’t I?

8. The sweet corn really is that sweet.

9. I put on a sweatshirt and pour a little more of the Laetitia Pinot Noir into my glass.

10. I feel more resolute in this choice. I feel more certain that I need to make this choice on my own.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. I go straight to the kitchen to bake the potatoes. I’ll make the bacon and the onions after I get ready.

2. To coffee or not to coffee?

3. I sit on the sofa. I could close my eyes and fall asleep in two minutes. I make myself stay awake. But this kind of tired has gone on for too long.

4. Okay. So maybe this is it. I thought I would be prepared for this response but now that I’m hearing it, I’m not so sure anymore. But this is all good information. Everything is information.

5. Sandwiches and Sauvignon Blanc.

6. I nap.

7. He asks me if we can have a day where we eat only African food. The question catches me off guard. “Well, I’d want to see a picture of it first.” I think of “The Cooking Gene.” I think of how he doesn’t understand that 400 years separates me from the continent. I think of loss.

8. One more moment of closed eyes.

9. I hear her voice before I walk into the room but when I lift my eyes I see a tall black woman. When we leave he says, “Well, now we’ll never move.”

10. “Oh you’re using the flashlight to read?” “No, I’m using it to write.” “What are you writing?” “A song.”

Ten.Seven Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. 4 am.

2. My jaw is so tight. There’s no way to go back to sleep.

3. Something about the outfit isn’t quite right. The pants? The shoes? I need to be taller.

4. They will get to where they need to be without me. I am necessary but not always. They will learn to get along without me.

5. The way the morning light falls across the hills. The shadows of the turbines. Fog far off in the distance.

6. No music. Don’t feel like music. I turn on Entreleadership instead. I can feel the nerves.

7. I watch her put a packet of something into a glass, then water. It’s fizzy. Must be emergen-c. I can imagine how a job like this could require constant consumption of Vitamin C.

8. I’d stay longer but I really don’t think I could stay awake. I’ve been up since 4 am and I haven’t been sleeping well at night for the last few days. And maybe I’m overwhelmed by it all. But in a good way. I think.

9. I envision myself sprawled across the floor of a big white room and breathing.

10. I like his handshake. I think he means business.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. I lay on the floor in the closet and close my eyes. I could go back to sleep. But I can’t. Not right now.

2. The bedroom light is on but I know they’re still sleeping.

3. Morning fog drifting slowly, revealing pale blue sky. It will be hot again today. Humid again too. The plants look heavy.

4. Twenty minutes. But I think I dropped him off too early.

5. Not Toni Morrison. “In a way, her strangeness, her naiveté, her craving for the other half of her equation was the consequence of an idle imagination. Had she paints, or clay, or knew the discipline of the dance, or strings, had she anything to engage her tremendous curiosity and her gift for metaphor, she might have exchanged the restlessness and preoccupation with whim for an activity that provided her with all she yearned for. And like an artist with no art form, she became dangerous.” - Sula

6. So sick. I feel my stomach turn, my head pounding. Maybe it’s because I only had two handfuls of blueberries for breakfast. I have him get me the water crackers. I put my head between my legs.

7. I lay down and close my eyes, stuff a few more crackers into my mouth.

8. We go to Best Buy like I promised. He picks the blue controller, pulls the money from his envelope. I cover the 7 cents. He will probably want to sleep with it.

9. I text her a picture of the clothes spread out on the floor. I remember that I’ll see her in two months. Not just her, but Julie too. And JJ in September. And Dad in October. The next few months are going to be good.

10. Orange-pink cottony clouds against a cerulean sky. Palm trees waving in the evening breeze. The feeling that everything will be okay.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. The light is coming later and later; this is the beginning of the end of summer.

2. I’ll let them sleep a little longer. I have a feeling the boys were up way too late talking. Why do they even have separate rooms?

3. Twenty minutes. No way to shorten it.

4. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone and I’m glad that I’m talking with her on this Monday morning about all of the things. There can always be time for talks like these.

5. I’m hoping she is working today so that I can let her know that I found it, that she was right.

6. I part the hair and twist it. I move quickly. I play no music, no Netflix. I just stare at myself in the mirror and think about life. I pull my hair back and see the face of my daughter. We do look alike. This recognition of her in me and me in her feels strange.

7. I just don’t have a poker face. I’m okay with that. Because I’m not trying to play any games that require deception.

8. Disappointed but not surprised.

9. An email with the official announcement. It’s not a big deal but it also is. I am excited for what’s next even though it requires a lot of restructuring.

10. B.R. Cohn Pinot Noir, “The View from Castle Rock” by Alice Munro, hammock, sunset.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. Keanu and I walking and holding hands. That’s a first for the dreams.

2. No one is as hungry as I am yet so I busy myself with dishes and list-making until we’re all ready to go. They really just want to make sure that we aren’t gone for too long. There go my plans for a day at the lake.

3. Maybe I’ll just take myself there this week. Go alone. I just need to be by the water.

4. Why are plates at diners so huge? Who can really eat an omelette that size?

5. I can barely keep my eyes open. Maybe the result of working in yesterday’s heat. I slide into the hammock. Not a cloud in the sky. Like the Truman Show? Is it even real?

6. The cake comes together easily. I fold in the egg whites and know it will be good. The texture looks just right. Blend the strawberries and then simmer to reduce them. I blend the puree with butter and confectioners sugar. The frosting looks a little thin but it tastes amazing.

7. Basket after basket after basket after basket.

8. “We reached a point in our lives where we don’t have to be practical…so let’s do what we love.”

9. Not enough batteries.

10. Too many labels. But free to evolve.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. Oh no.

2. I thought there were donuts but there are none. There will be frowns about this.

3. Going to work feels easier today. Maybe because I know I’m off tomorrow.

4. Big hair. Don’t care. But I also don’t want to do the work of this for very much longer.

5. Margaret Atwood reading Alice Munro. Yes, please.

6. We talk about food. About empanadas and the importance of a good pastry. Of pies, both sweet and savory. Of pierogies. Of peach cobbler, apple and pear tarts, and crisps. I’m getting hungry.

7. Hot.

8. It must be the heat that’s scrambled my brain because I can’t remember anything or hear anything or see anything right now.

9. Turbine shadows on the golden hills.

10. Still getting requests for tucking in.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Sixty-One

1. Today is his birthday. Something about the way today is doesn’t feel very celebratory. Maybe because it’s a school day. Maybe because, in some ways, I kind of forgot.

2. I head to Sunshine Donuts and grab a half dozen: 2 glazed, 2 chocolate with sprinkles, 2 sugar. Oh, and a croissant.

3. There is still so much work to be done.

4. Each morning in the car I think of the logistics. I let him pick the music and after the youngest two are out of the car we make small talk. I had forgotten how much I enjoy this time with him in the front seat.

5. Except sometimes it takes longer than I think it will.

6. What gets in the way of being able to hear?

7. We place an order for pizza then walk down to the store for salad, ice cream, some candy. He picks everything. My baby is not a baby anymore. I am okay with that. I think I am okay with that.

8. We forgot to eat the salad.

9. I keep thinking of the question he asked me as we drove through the valley, passing by vineyards and ranches and wide open spaces. “What would you name your ranch?” At the time I said I didn’t know, even though the first thing that popped into my mind was Elysium. That word keeps coming back to me over and over again as I try to step into new dreams.

10. Solo. Even though I’ve seen so many of these movies it is hitting me in this moment that everyone can understand one another. What I mean is that there is no creature or machine or man that cannot communicate. Why is it that we are so afraid of that which we cannot understand? What does it take to transform fear into curiosity?

Ten.Seven Hundred & Sixty

1. A no-make kind of morning. I lay out the bagels and the toaster and some softened butter, apples and grapes and oranges.

2. The last bit of chai. Must pick up ginger and honey on the way home.

3. There is so much to say. So much that can’t fit into a square but I will try anyway. I will say something. I miss my people. I think to something Krista said on the podcast about aloneness versus loneliness and whether or not we conflate the two. I love my aloneness but I the feeling of loneliness has been overwhelming these past few months. What will shift that?

4. Always so good to see her face and hear her voice and to soak in her wisdom. Two months until we get to hug in the flesh. Two months.

5. This visit was better than the last but I still don’t know if he’s the one I want to remove this tooth. Trust your gut.

6. I get the pork fried rice to go because it really is just that good and the sushi didn’t hit the spot. I’ve been forever spoiled by all those lunches at Roka.

7. New Moon spread. More truth.

8. “I know that if I don’t focus on innovating how I do my work, I won’t feel alive when I do it.” - via Chani Nicholas

9. I can feel my entire body vibrating. Or is that blood boiling? Or is that nerves? Or is that the same thing that’s causing my hands to go numb when we go for walks?

10. I think of how much goodness is coming in the next few months. Dreaming will help. Solo travel will help. The lake will help. Being with kindreds will help.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. Oh yeah, now I remember why I keep putting in the braids.

2. Thirsty.

3. Bubbling. I know that this is not about today or yesterday, but a lifetime of things.

4. It’s just concern. It’s just excitement. It’s just newness. It’s just change. I suppose I can just call it what it is and that is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear that I’ll disappoint.

5. They are big but I think the size of them feels more expansive than cumbersome. There is more room for making. It’s almost time.

6. How to Do Nothing, Doing Nothing, How to Break Up with Your Phone. I sense a theme.

7. His older siblings are out with their friends. It’s just me and him. We camp out in the living room for more rounds of UNO before heading to his room to build things with legos. He wants to watch tv. I tell him that the experiment continues. That there is no end date for the experiment. Once baseball starts this will be much easier.

8. When is not a season of change? Is this not the nature of life?

9. I chose the dessert scene. Something about it spoke to me. Note to self: ask Rachel about retreat in Tucson. I make the sun a metallic gold, the mountains in charcoal, and the saguaro in green. Not perfect, but good enough. Good enough is always good enough. “Loosen up your strings.”

10. Past my bedtime. This is exciting. This will be good for me.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Fifty-Eight

1. These dreams. So stressful.

2. I forgot to buy blueberries. No muffins today. I warm the leftover scones and set out the toaster and jam.

3. Rub the backs like they’re still babies.

4. I keep losing my mug of chai.

5. I will figure this out. I will figure this out.

6. There’s potential here.

7. The irony is that he’s a rule follower at school.

8. Of course there’s a mom coming to my door right after I’ve taken out my braids and scratched my scalp until the gel residue and dandruff has peppered my hair and forehead and I’m hovered over the computer trying to write another sentence.

9. I trust myself.

10. What day is it?

Ten.Seven Hundred & Fifty-Seven

1. I open and close my jaw slowly.

2. Back to school. 3, 4, 6.

3. No one seems to be hungry for breakfast. Back to no television and they are bored, bored, bored. I suppose they could have all slept a little longer.

4. “Please, tv?” No.

5. This is the kind of slow down on Vasco I hear people complain about but this is the first time I’ve ever experienced it. I’ll be late to tasting group. But the good thing about slowing down is that I am seeing things I’ve never seen before and that is always a good thing.

6. “I’ve come to the conclusion that, actually, finding the right forms of language has real effects in the world.” - Jonathan Rowson

7. Sauvignon Blanc.

8. “Because desire is to own the wanting — that’s one way of looking at it. And in order to own something, there needs to be a sovereign self that is free to choose and, of course, feels worthy of wanting and feels worthy of receiving. That’s why desire is so intimately connected with a sense of self-worth.” - Ester Perel

9. Back in the car.

10. New shoes and ice cream. Day one of no tv.