Ten.Seven Hundred & Eleven

1. No alarm. Still getting up at the same time.

2. Maybe in the next home I’ll have a clothesline. It’s so warm here. And if the garden is full of lemon trees and lavender and rosemary and jasmine and roses. Yes, that would be so good.

3. But I really do love this mug.

4. Finally, a reprieve. I take the coffee and the book to the hammock. I drag it to the part of the patio that’s half sun and half shade.

5. I can’t believe that’s actually a nectarine tree. Nectarines!

6. The ride down is quiet. The cows look a little bigger than normal. A whole season of feeding. I think of her instagram story that mentioned the amount of water it takes to produce one kilo of beef.

7. Complex.

8. The wait is a little excruciating. We’re both big dreamers and we’re both a little impatient.

9. I remind myself that I know more now than I ever have before.

10. I ask her if she’s going to come with me tomorrow. She says yes. I’m a little excited to have a mini assistant.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Ten

1. I should probably take these after I eat. No, I’ll be okay. I’ll just eat some grapes.

2. I don’t feel so good. It must be the zinc. That’s the only thing that’s new.

3. I listen to her voice memo and then I think of “The Big Leap.”

4. “The goal in life is not to attain some imaginary ideal; it is to find and fully use our own gifts.” - The Big Leap

5. Her voice. And then the voices of her children in the background. My people. We talk while I fold laundry. The stacks of napkins keep falling over. We are wondering the same things about life right now: How are we able to be whole persons unto ourselves?

6. I pull the hammock into a thin rectangle of shade on the patio. I’m careful to not swing too much and rub up against the side of the house. My brother and I talk for an hour. He offers to make me a bracelet. I tell him to just make it all black.

7. Almost 100.

8. Next week. Next week.

9. The list isn’t getting longer. Life is getting wider.

10. Can barely keep my eyes open. He says it might be the heat. I tell him I’ve barely been outside. He says it’s the stress. That I don’t think I’m stressed but I really am. I think it might be the coffee. It might be time for a break.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Nine

1. I think I slept in too much.

2. Oh, right. I forgot the coffee. Cappuccinos instead.

3. I grab the mug. I think of them and our Tuesdays together, of couches and “mom’s group” snacks.

4. But I really do just need to get this off of my list.

5. Salad in a bag to the rescue. Grapes. More water. More water. Still so thirsty.

6. I sit down and tell her that this is a full circle moment for me. That it was in her restaurant that we decided that we would be living here in California. And now I’m assisting her on this new project of hers. Full circle. I can feel my nerves though.

7. I just get it. Because I already know and believe these things too.

8. So much beauty.

9. Tuna and broccoli and brown rice. Nothing spectacular to write home about but we’re all full and satisfied.

10. Every passing moment is a chance to turn it all around.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Eight

1. Today is the hot one.

2. I remember that I turned off the alarm last night. I am okay with this slightly later start to the morning.

3. Remember to get coffee today.

4. The contrast of the blue and the brown and the green. The sky feels so big. I give myself an imaginary pinch. I know that this is not a dream.

5. By wine 3 we all relax a little bit. Also, this was a surprise.

6. 100.

7. He says that it’s okay, that everyone is stressed. I tell him it’s not that. It’s that this messy kitchen and the fact that I seem to be the only one ever cleaning it that is making me feel stressed.

8. I open the box and it’s a mug she’s made herself. It’s short, but with a sturdy handle. It reminds me of the sea. I almost cry on the sidewalk.

9. I forgot coffee.

10. I can’t seem to keep my eyes open. This too is a side effect of stress.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Seven

1. I should probably go back and check the numbers for this thing. But by now, it’s really not about the numbers, is it?

2. Donuts. I really wish they had a caramel and not a maple.

3. Everyone is sleeping in. There is not enough of a breeze for the windows to be open.

4. Does this even make sense?

5. I start it over again because it is that good. Because it reminds me of who I really am.

6. If it’s going to be this hot, I’m glad that it’s this slow.

7. It turns out that many people have heard of Naperville. I miss that place. But I also don’t. But I also really do.

8. Another teary-eyed lunch break.

9. “Do I want to be that person, or do I want to more fully inhabit and become this person I have been being?” - Jericho Brown

10. We are home.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Six

1. The sound of the sprinklers. It sounds like rain but I know it’s not rain. Even half asleep I know that it’s the sprinklers.

2. She says she didn’t adjust the heat on the pan but I know she did.

3. Open all the windows. Let the cool air in.

4. I don’t want to go but I know I have to.

5. Maybe it’s his voice. Maybe it’s the sincerity in his voice. The honesty in his voice. But I’m driving through the hills and listening to him read his own words, my eyes filling up with water.

6. I am now reminded of what it means to be a poet. That maybe that is really what this life is about.

7. “Just ask it questions, and you’ll find out what you’ve really been thinking. So what I’m saying is, we bring to language whatever we’re already thinking about, and our job is to really find out, to dig, and see, “What do I really think? What am I really —” — that’s what I’m trying to do while I’m writing.” - Jericho Brown

8. Surprisingly slow.

9. I tear up again.

10. Overwhelmed.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Five

1. Energized. Well-rested though I know I woke up multiple times throughout the night.

2. First day. It’s a day for lot of beauty hunting.

3. So much concern for how much xBox time will be missed because of today’s adventure.

4. Of course she selects a caramel tart to eat at 9:30 in the morning. I settle on a breakfast sandwich which I thought was going to be on a bagel but is on a muffin. She either gave me the wrong thing or I ordered the wrong thing. But it’s still pretty tasty.

5. We see the mobile bottling line first then the tank room. Then we hop on the cart for a short tour of the vineyard. I didn’t expect this but I’m grateful for it. They are excited. This is what we want them to see. That we didn’t move them here just because we like wine and because daddy works in wine. It’s that there’s this beautiful piece of the country to see. There’s the wildlife and nature and the friends we’ve made. That there are other career paths that aren’t tied to desks and office buildings but to nature and the outdoors. That we just want them to see different possibilities as we explore different possibilities ourselves.

6. Still no call. This is probably a good thing.

7. St. Helena’s Farmer’s Market but it’s a little too late. Everyone is packing up. I stop to talk to a ceramicist. She raves about Calistoga. I take it as a sign.

8. Patz & Hall Pinot Noir. Cheeseburger without the bun. Garlic-cheese fries. We decide we both like this street.

9. The ride home is too long. I told him this would be the problem with a small car on long trips. Too much touching.

10. The way the sunlight glitters through the palm leaves. Dappled light. Quiet night.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Four

1. Last day.

2. But just get out of bed. But I’m also proud of him for staying up all night to read.

3. Finally a break from the heat. Morning pages to the sound of doves and palm trees.

4. All of the moms in front of me are crying. My eyes well up with tears too. I don’t remember having a 5th grade graduation but I see how this is an important milestone. We are moving into another world.

5. He pauses so I can take his picture. I send it to my parents. They say he is just like me. I see it. I see it.

6. I tell him that we’re going to go eat our lunch but that we’ll pick him up if he wants. I’m almost back to Michael when I feel his arms wrap around me. There it is. It’s not all over yet.

7. Deciding to not be too attached to the outcome.

8. I thought I would get more done today.

9. They aren’t too thrilled with our plans for tomorrow but I know once they get there they’ll love it just like they did last time.

10. I really don’t know what’s next.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Three

1. Funny dreams. No ice cream. Maybe stress?

2. Out of coffee. Remember that I have a Nespresso. Decide on making an oat milk cappuccino. Satisfied.

3. I always forget that it’s 3 hours and not 2.

4. Unsettled. Sometimes the grown-up thing is having a difficult conversation. I am worried about the phone tone. I will follow up with an email.

5. I close the cookbooks and decide to try to meal plan on another day. I just need to take care of today. One day at a time. One day at a time.

6. Look at the clock.

7. I forget how good it feels to cross things off.

8. He gives me a hug hello, asks where Michael is. I tell him he’s working so I came in alone to get an order to go. He brings me an ice water while I wait, tells me to stay cool. This is the first summer here for the both of us. We’re both very hot.

9. More waiting.

10. I realize that if she’s just being real, then that’s actually exactly the kind of person I’d like to get to know.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Two

1. What bird song is hat?

2. Wait. I’m doing the field trip today. What did I get myself into?

3. The in-between.

4. So hot in the sun. Luckily there’s enough shade on the street.

5. “Will you be going here for middle school?” “Mom? Will I be going here for middle school?” “I don’t know, sweetie. If we’re still here, I guess.” I can’t make any kind of promises in this moment.

6. Roses. The flag flapping in the wind. It feels good to be here. It feels so good to be here.

7. Not that I want to fit in but I do want to feel like I belong. We all want to feel like we belong. But I am so not interested in faking through pleasantries. So I guess that means I need to be okay with being left out.

8. Most people want to hear the truth. Most people don’t want to be questioned. Most people don’t don’t want to feel the burn of self-reflection.

9. 93 degrees in the sun is really hot.

10. No one wants to lose like this.

Ten.Seven Hundred & One

1. I really would like to sleep until the alarm goes off.

2. Cereal and oatmeal mornings are my favorite.

3. Snails in the front. I thought they only lived in the back.

4. The last Monday of the school year. Am I ready for summer yet? I don’t know. I think I am. But today, I’ll have the whole house to myself. Not many more of these kinds of days left.

5. We talk about how the great thing about recapping every two weeks is seeing how far we’ve come. We spend too much time staring down the list of all that is yet to be done that we forget all that we’ve done.

6. I offer them water.

7. Poltergeist while designing a menu. My eyes keep crossing. But I do love this color blue.

8. I haven’t had it before but it’s Antinori and so it must be pretty decent. 93 points from James Suckling.

9. Kombucha in the govino and Miranda July because the extra baseball practice is cancelled.

10. “Loving is all in the blood anyway.” - “Making Love in 2003”, Miranda July

Ten.Seven Hundred

1. Slow.

2. No one wants to eat the leftover bagels. I don’t blame them. I blame the teenagers who made these bagels.

3. Redesign. The thing is that I know I’m going to drop in numbers again but I still need to do it.

4. Sweat.

5. He asks me why we have to have people over again. “Because this is what we do! We like to host people! So you have to clean your room!” I tickle him until he gives in.

6. He comes up to my eyebrows now. He will be as tall as me by the end of summer. I have no doubt.

7. It’s a bad sign when all of the carts are gone.

8. I’m worried that there are not enough peaches. No cast iron this time.

9. “Do you have doubts about life? Are you unsure if it is worth the trouble? Look at the sky: that is for you. Look at each person’s face as you pass on the street: those faces are for you. And the street itself, and the ground under the street, and the ball of fire underneath the ground: all these things are for you. They are as much for you as they are for other people. Remember this when you wake up in the morning and think you have nothing. Stand up and face the east. Now praise the sky and praise the light within each person under the sky. It’s okay to be unsure. But praise, praise, praise.” - "The Shared Patio,” Miranda July

10. I tell them how fortunate they are to have had dinner with two winemakers in two weeks. Last week, Mr. Sean and this week Mr. Santiago. I kind of can’t believe it myself.

Ten.Six Hundred & Ninety-Nine

1. This time I’m an on-campus student at Berkeley, passing on my grown-up knowledge to the underclassmen.

2. I realize that I still have a chip on my shoulder about college.

3. Willie’s Bagels. No pretzel bagels here. Why are they giving them to me in a big brown bag?

4. I need to remember to move the hammock at the end of the day so that it doesn’t get wet from the sprinklers. Seriously delaying my hammock time.

5. So quiet.

6. Hot. Still only 1 run. He catches a pop fly that hung in the air for way too long.

7. Bases loaded. He gets hit by a pitch to walk the winning run in. One play-off game down, two more to go.

8. 90 degrees but still cool in the shade.

9. We show them how to eat an artichoke. The oldest one loves them, wants to have them more often. The other two are very clear that they don’t want to have them ever again.

10. Yeah, it’s happening. I think.

Ten.Six Hundred & Ninety-Eight

1. I laugh to myself.

2. I text her to say that I had a crazy dream and I blame it on the dairy-free ice cream.

3. I promise Lunchables instead.

4. I tell him about the other wild dream. I’m working in a clothing store and James Harden comes in and wants the lining of his pockets altered so that he can’t see the line. But he wants to keep the pockets. And then he asks me out on a date. “He’s a punk,” he says. “Not in my dream, though!”

5. I pack a couple of sandwiches and a salad and we head out to the school.

6. All things considered, this could be much more chaotic.

7. We stop for a margarita on the way home. She shows me a picture of her wedding dress. “It’s time,” she says. “We’ve been together since high school.”

8. Hammock.

9. Wow. I’m going to buy this meat again.

10. “Just baseball tomorrow, right?” “Yes. Thank goodness. Just baseball.”

Ten.Six Hundred & Ninety-Seven

1. I should get up but I don’t want to get up.

2. Biscuits and breakfast sausage.

3. I feel like everyone is talking to me at the same time. No one can seem to contain themselves. And it’s kind of a good thing.

4. What’s that noise? Three squirrels chasing one another through the trees, knocking of cherries and leaves.

5. Just get started.

6. It’s amazing to me how much our lives seem to run parallel. And how strange it is to feel such kinship with someone you’ve yet to meet in real life.

7. Scattered. Scattered. Scattered.

8. I stop working and take my tuna tacos with spicy slaw out to the hammock. The quiet, the sun, the trees. Remember to savor.

9. She does taxes for small businesses. And she is a photographer. And she wants to know more about my retreat. And she lives down the street. And she’s wearing an ankle-length tye-dye dress. She might be my kind of people.

10. Will either of us be able to sleep tonight?

Ten.Six Hundred & Ninety-Six

1. Everyon is already up and it’s only 5:50 am.

2. I’m a little short on white flour. Hopefully the oat flour will do.

3. Teeny tiny guy.

4. He looks so handsome in his white polo and his blazer. He comes over and tells us that it’s a little bit but maybe he can wear it a lot more in the fall. What is it about litle kids in fancy clothes?

5. We realize that it’s been far too long since we last spoke. I think about how long we’ve known her and how large our children are getting. We talk about the writing life and all that comes with it. We talk about motherhood and gratitudes and regrets. We promise to not let as much time pass by before we meet again.

6. He’s so excited to have us there. I’ll take it. He has no baby pictures but at least I can be here for everything.

7. It’s worth the wait.

8. I keep moving the hammock in order to keep half of it in the shade. I want my head cool and my legs hot.

9. It is him!

10. Too much. Too much.

Ten.Six Hundred & Ninety-Five

1. Already? Already?

2. An instant oatmeal kind of morning.

3. I whisper his name to rouse him from sleep. “Don’t forget that I still need my costume,” he says with his eyes still closed. I chuckle to myself. That’s exactly what I’d expect him to say.

4. She insists on wearing the costume for the field trip. I haven’t had enough coffee yet to try to talk her out of it.

5. All of the pieces are coming together.

6. I know he won’t walk away until I ask him why he’s grinning.

7. I want to tip her but there’s no tip jar. I ask her if I can still tip her and she refuses but with a smile. I’ll find another way to pay it forward.

8. I feel like I’m tripping out. Two clouds becoming one cloud becoming three clouds. It’s like some kind of alien web. I keep closing my eyes and opening them again.

9. Sun, sun, sun.

10. Well. This is going to be interesting.

Ten.Six Hundred & Ninety-Four

1. I let my eyes stay closed a little longer.

2. I put on his green sweater. I think of how I used to wear it when I was pregnant with the first one. His jeans too.

3. I drive over there for the bagels but the bagel place is closed. It’s okay. It’s good to get out first thing and see the fog hugging the sides of Mt. Diablo.

4. Coffee outside on the patio. I’m reaching for the light. The coffee is hot. I haven’t felt so comfortable in a long time. I think, maybe, I just really needed the extra sleep.

5. Just let it go.

6. But in a way, it’s like we already know each other.

7. Tacos and chips and salsa and guacamole. But it was the watermelon with some chili powder, lime juice, and salt that surprised me the most.

8. And then the time is gone just like that. That’s when you know it’s been a good time.

9. I call them from the back patio. It’s 100 degrees there, he says. That there’s something like the opposite of a polar vortex happening there.

10. The Art of Slow.

Ten.Six Hundred & Ninety-Three

1. Donuts.

2. The cinnamon roll is disappointing but it still goes well with coffee. I take my plate and cup to the sofa. Because the light in here just feels good to me.

3. I leave witout saying very much.

4. The sound of a water bottle sliding back and forth as I make my way around the curves. It’s too far for me to reach back and get.

5. I decide to catch up on The New Yorker Poetry podcast. Safiya Sinclair reads Natalie Diaz and then one of her own pieces. Poetry does wonders for the soul.

6. Invisible Mother.

7. I go back to the car to eat my lunch, a spinach salad with blue cheese and spiced pecans and dried cranberries and some thin slivers of leftover bacon.

8. This is the kind of blackness you could get lost in.

9. Food is not just food.

10. It’s hard not to stare and be so full of wonder.

Ten.Six Hundred & Ninety-Two

1. Blueberry crisp.

2. Is there a such thing as too many hugs.

3. I always get so nervous right before we begin.

4. She always tells me that she wishes I didn’t have to work on the weekends. The sting of mom guilt.

5. Why he needed to stick his head through the fence to eat the grass is beyond me. But aren’t we all curious about the things that are just out of reach?

6. It’s interesting how boundary-less some people are.

7. This is the first time but probabliy not the last time.

8. Is there a cheese that won’t make me break out? Because I really like cheese. I really want to eat a lot of cheese.

9. The way the ligt is hitting the hills. The way the vines roll across the hills. The way the birds fly overheard. Something about the light makes this view look like a vintage photo.

10. Why is it that when a woman expresses displeasure people look at her like she’s unstable. Maybe what she is is just tired. Maybe she actually just needs more help. Maybe it’s just gaslighting and aren’t women always getting lit?