Ten.Six Hundred & Ninety-One

1. I show her the video I put on Instagram and she comments on how fast the snail is moving. She runs inside to get some nailpolish to mark the snails. Tomorrow we’ll see who returns.

2. I try to help everyone figure out how to piece together a lunch. Sunflower butter sandwich for one, leftover pasta for another, and the oldest makes a bold choice of leftover grilled salmon and a tomato salad.

3. Coffee.

4. I decide to just wing it. I only need to make it through 3 days.

5. Proposals first and then I can do the 3rd thing on the to-do list.

6. This one had good reviews. The woman behind the counter greets me immediately. It’s a small space but packed with beauty supplies. The wishes me a blessed day. It is, by far, the friendliest non-black-owned beauty supply store I’ve ever been too. Totally worth the 20-minute drive.

7. Afternoon shower.

8. I can’t see the gaps.

9. Just a little longer.

10. That feeling of being so tired that you have no thought at all. Just a blank state. A less ideal form of meditation.

Ten.Six Hundred & Ninety

1. There aren’t enough eggs to make the blueberry muffins. What to do, what to do.

2. The two youngest make pizzas from the last two pieces of garlic naan. The oldest makes himself a roast beef sandwich. Cold coffee. I have to repeat myself too much.

3. Big yellow roses.

4. I had forgotten that I needed to tell a story. I don’t know if I did it well. She’ll edit out the weird gaps and hesitations, I hope. But I also think about how important this story has been for me. Bluebeard. Bleeding keys. You can’t run away from the truth.

5. Feeling whole.

6. They don’t make the plates anymore.

7. Burger. Moscow Mule. Key Lime pie with fresh whipped cream and toasted coconut. Views of the hills. There’s a space with the hillside is cut out and you can see the layer of the rock. Blue, blue sky. Yes. This doesn’t even seem real sometimes.

8. Still so much on the to-do list. I don’t care.

9. Roasted chicken and creames spinach except I realize that I forgot the cream. I make a bechamel instead. How did I get to the point that I know how to make a bechamel without a recipe?

10. We forget how much we know.

Ten.Six Hundred & Eighty-Nine

1. Little bits of gray light leaking onto the bathroom floor. My feet are cold but I like the look of the bare floor.

2. This thick cut bacon takes too long to cook.

3. Why haven’t I been adding strawberries to my water?

4. I can’t hear her, she can’t hear me, we have so many things to talk about. What is it that won’t let us connect right now? We still manage a few key things anyway.

5. It feels quieter this time but I think it’s just the time of the year and maybe everyone just has a lot going on right now.

6. She tells me I’m not charging enough. It’s humbling to hear. It’s also validating. It’s also anxiety-inducing.  This is a good opportunity for me though.

7. I think of all the things I’m missing and then remember that what I already have is what's gotten me here.

8. What is the robin doing? Back and forth, back and forth. I realize she’s grabbing the rotting leaves at the base of the pond and placing them in a tree. She’s making a nest. Here I am thinking of the ugly mess that is the rotting leaves at the base of the pond, wanting the mess to be all gone and here she is making art.

9. Studio booked.

10. Cedar plank salmon, beurre rouge, risotto, sauteed spinach, Goldeneye Pinot Noir.

Ten.Six Hundred & Eighty-Eight

1. I don’t want to dream about work.

2. The snail is gone. I forgot to check on it last night but it’s definitely gone today.

3. He’s on the sofa. Something about that long body scrunched up on the loveseat. And in a long robe. 11 going on 40.

4. All of their faces and their voices. I miss those Tuesdays.

5. Scattered.

6. I realize what it is . I tell her that they were reminders that I need to be able to access those feelings in order to feed my creativity. I keep avoiding that story. In avoiding the story I avoid the feelings. And if I am not able to feel the feelings, I can’t create.

7. Next time I’m making my hummus just like this.

8. We practice restraint. Instead of fun and funky I ask him if we can focus on the examinable grapes.

9. Open House night. I’m having one of those feelings of being incredibly uncomfortable. Foreign. I don’t know how any of this is supposed to go. I remind myself that next year will be easier because we’ll get to start from the beginning.

10. Everything takes time.

Ten.Six Hundred & Eighty-Seven

1. What’s that little guy doing on the window?

2. They are worried that the snail will die. I tell them that it’s just nature and that sometimes snails will die. They want me to open up the screen. I tell them that unless they are going to pick it up with their handsand place it in the grass, it’s going to just stay there. No one wants to touch it.

3. That might be enough coffee.

4. Free settee. He tells us that it’s been in his family for years. I get to love it now, too.5

5. He’s smiling and talking. I tell him that he looks well-rested. He agrees that he feels good and that he’s not tired. I gotta get him to sleep more.

6. I had forgotten how much I like downtown Pleasanton.

7. At the end we joke about how our husbands react to us meeting people from the internet. I’m glad we made time for this today. These little meetings with kindreds make everything a little easier.

8. Cool, almost cold.

9. I clean her room because her room needs it the most. No, this is not cleaning. I’m throwing things away because she is sentimental and messy and scattered. I listen to the New Yorker Fiction podcast, Emma Cline reading “The Metal Bowl” by Miranda July. Something about the story makes me want to cry. It’s not the particulars of the story, or maybe it is. No. It’s because in her own odd way, Miranda July has found a way to touch on an aspect of womanhood that we often don’t talk about.

10. So much cleaning.

Ten.Six Hundred & Eighty-Six

1. Why am I so tired?

2. Cinnamon loaf and fruit and coffee. He’s upset because I won’t let him have both cereal and the cinnamon loaf. One carb. Fruit, water, and protien if you’re still hungry dude. He is not one for balance.

3. More coffee. The time to go has come too soon.

4. Cold.

5. The sun breaks free for a moment. When you’re under it, it feels so warm. But I know the rain is coming back.

6. Is this for real? Is she emailing me? This is a divine sign. If she thinks I could do it, then maybe I can. Keep speaking it out loud. Things will begin to happen.

7. He tells me I’m beautiful. Old dudes full of wine. He’s nice though and from Chicago. He knows Naperville and North Central College.

8. I think of the panels at the Forum. Also, he quit. I can’t believe that.

9. But really, I can’t believe she emailed me.

10. I tell her that I am having fun here. That I’m happy. That I’m tired. But the good kind of tired.

Ten.Six Hundred & Eighty-Five

1. Okay. What is on tap for today?

2. Rain yet? I see a little bit of sky through the window slats. I put on the pink earrings. They are funky and a little weird but the most perfect color.

3. I’m glad I kept my winter coat.

4. He did it! He hit the ball! To go from crying in the outfield to getting a hit that gets a run home. You could see the joy in his face. We’re all rooting for him.

5. Too loud.

6. Why didn’t I pack an umbrella? I walk two blocks in the rain. This new Bounty Hunter is so pretty. A little more posh than the original one in Napa. Blue-green penny tile on the bathroom floors. Leather straps on the banquet seats.

7. Beer Can Chicken, grilled veggies, french fries for balance. Phillips Hill Gewurtztraminer.

8. And then suddenly you realize that what you thought would be a 1-hour lunch has turned into a 3-hour lunch. The both of you agree on smore’s as a dessert.

9. Mind full of possibilities.

10. Work tomorrow but I predict a slow day which will leave plenty of room for dreaming.

Ten.Six Hundred & Eighty-Four

1. Cloud cover.

2. Quick menu plan. I think of the portion of the book where they talk about the kitchen. About the woman who wanted to enjoy cooking again in her kitchen. And how it was just a matter of making the space funtion in a way that supported that desire. Maybe that’s what I’m missing.

3. Eucalyptus and Chamomile.

4. Fog still hugging Mt. Diablo. I can’t yet see the peak. But I notice the trees and the little bit of green still hanging around. I wonder if some of the hills will regain their color with this rain.

5. But really the cutest little baby. I tell her that I have no regrets and that makes me very happy. Prosciutto and manchego and olives and almonds and goat cheese and strawberries also make me very happy.

6. She shakes her head when I say that I wonder if I’m cut out for traditional work.

7. He grills the meat and I make the broth. I’m excited to drink Taquine at dinner.

8. Everyone will think I’m crazy but I’m wearing the ankle-length parka to the baseball game. It’s a little cool and once the sun starts to set the wind will begin to blow and it’s going to be cold.

9. Foul ball. Foul ball. Foul ball. At least he’s making contact at this at bat. I think it was the catch to end the last inning. He just needed a little bit of confidence.

10. They do make scrub brushes with long handles and an angled brush and that pivots 180 degrees!

Ten.Six Hundred & Eighty-Three

1. Oh, yes. The English muffins.

2. The sound of the rain. The smell of the rain. This is the kind of day that makes you want to curl up in the corner of the sofa. I wonder if they’ll cancel the vineyard tour.

3. I release myself from the shame of buying them Lunchables twice this week. I tell her that next year I’ll get my act together.

4. Batonnage sweatshirt, jeans, rain coat. I think I’m ready for this.

5. Rain drops on roses.

6. Newly grafted vines. These will be Cabernet Franc. They hope the birds won’t like to eat them as much as they liked to eat the Malbec.

7. But it really is just a beautiful place. Even with the cloudy skies. We slide a little bit in the mud. I ask her why viticulture. I’d choose viticulture too if this had been my backyard.

8. Some of them hold more than 15,000 gallons. I like the word “glycol.” Tractors and forklifts. Hoses.

9. The smell of barrels.

10. It almost seems crazy to tell a person that it’s not worth the money. But it’s not worth the money. One of our jobs is to remind one another of our shared values. And to support actions that are in alignment with those values.

Ten.Six Hundred & Eighty-Two

1. We need breakfast.

2. Remind him that today is a short day and that we can’t be gone for too long.

3. The smell of rain. Will probably need to pick them up from school today. What will be for dinner? Today feels like a soup day. Yes. Maybe soup.

4. Just write.

5. I read Seth Godin while “The Price is Right” trickles into my years. The receptionist doesn’t look all tha friendly. Auto repair places are so similar.

6. I don’t know what I expected, but I definitely didn’t expect the drink to be so pretty. Pale pink with dried rose petals and a dried stick of thyme. Refreshing grapefruit.

7. Lioco 2017 Fox Block XIII Pinot Noir, North Coast

8. One is darting in and out of the bike lane and the other is riding some other kids’ bike. They ask if we followed them. Just when you think you could trust ‘em.

9. Something about the exchange. I wonder if people know that when they do things like that, it turns off a pottential customer. That’s three in one month. I could also be taking it too personally. But really, sometimes you just know.

10. 4 for 4.

Ten.Six Hundred & Eighty-One

1. Little leaks of light.

2. Pre-coffee conference calls. But that’s just going to happen when you’re separated by so many time zones.

3. Chilly. But I’m still going to wear the dress because…softness.

4. A whole house to myself for the day is some kind of luxury. A belated Mother’s Day gift. There’s still laundry and granola crumbs on the floor but I’m alone and it’s quiet.

5. Every new process gives me a little bit of anxiety. But I’m doing it. I’m doing it.

6. Hammock and Seth Godin. I can’t see the hummingbird but I can hear her.

7. When he comes home I want to say to him, “What are you doing giving your teacher a hard time with the hood?! Did you not know that her father is dying of cancer?!” I think of how there is no way of stopping to do the hard heart work of grief. Our culture doesn’t value the dying. We hardly value the living.

8. But really, I have to believe in myself first.

9. Leftovers for the win.

10. Who’s talking?

Ten.Six Hundred & Eighty

1. Already.

2. Snails, snails, snails.

3. I tell him no more hoodies in school since he’s still wearing the hood in class. I think about the fact that we’re going to middle school orientation today and that when he gets to middle school he can’t. He just can’t. Because I’m afraid that he’s still a black boy in a school full of white teachers who.

4. Do the work.

5. I tell her that I didn’t get the internship. She says he agrees, that I am over-qualified. That it’s probably a good thing it didn’t happen.

6. Choker. Rainbow colored pens in the apron. She’s a little bit awkward, but nice. She knows the regulars. We are not regulars, yet. But we remember that we really liked the Xinomavro. I substitute spanikopita for the melitzano salata. Add garlic fries.

7. Little bits of brownies.

8. Hammock, journal, butterflies, hummingbird. I find the just right spot under the tree.

9. There’s a group of higih schoolers eating dinner together. They’re saying “please” and “thank you,” ordering maki rolls and pot stickers and having quiet conversation. They are a diverse group, full of smiles, all five of them. I find myself noticing the older kids and thinking of them in different ways. They give me hope for the future. I can raise kids that have quiet conversations over dinner in a restaurant too.

10. But just go to sleep.

Ten.Six Hundred & Seventy-Nine

1. Forgot to turn off the alarm.

2. Nee more water. Need more rest. Need more coffee.

3. I think about how I’m not good at giving gifts. Meaning, I forget to buy gifts in enough time to get them to people. I used to interpret it as not being thoughtful. It’s not that I’m not thoughtful. I think I’m very thoughtful. I just didn’t grow up in a home where there was a lot of exchanging of gifts. In what other ways am I capable of showing appreciation?

4. But I still feel bad.

5. Today’s intention: To make everyone feel noticed.

6. So many butterflies.

7. Four months in and I am more of an expert than others. Being able to pass on knowledge feels good. Remember this.

8. She’s so annoyed that I have to check her ID.

9. I tell him that I won’t ever work on Mother’s Day again. And it’s not about working on a busy day. It’s about not being able to spend the day with my family.

10. We’re going to go to the beach. Yes. That’s what I want for my birthday.

Ten.Six Hundred & Seventy-Eight

1. The light. One bright patch of it on the wall. Her rose garlands. It’s a simple, quiet, beautiful scene.

2. Cereal and milk. I did remember something for breakfast. I think I’ll have my coffee with the snails.

3. I’d rather stay home and read in the hammock, write, watch the boys’ baseball games. It will be different next year.

4. More coffee. Morning pages in the sun. Hummingbird. I set an intention for the day.

5. Quiet One.

6. Probably nervous for no reason. Large group. We knew it would be a matter of time. He tells me that I have the right energy for this.

7. External validation.

8. Holy. Mountains and hills and sky. And I swear the sun is gold. Gold!

9. Am I worried about tomorrow? Everyone seems worried about tomorrow. I am just bummed that I’ll have to rush out of bed for work. But then I remember that I’ll have hammock time all week and that I’ll have time to be at the water and watch a baby laugh and giggle and it will be so good.

10. I should have gotten the ice cream.

Ten.Six Hundred & Seventy-Seven

1. I grab English muffins, butter, and jelly. And three Lunchables. Ease.

2. Okay. Only 40 minutes.

3. This must be a part of the Delta where a lot of mass agriculture goes on. Tractors, large expanses of fields with neat rows of brown earth and tiny green things.

4. She tells me that my birth certificate will not work. I don’t understand. I can’t do anything today. I will have to leave and come back. She shows me the number to call to get another birth certificate. I tell her that I’ve been using this one for 20 years for all my other licenses. I’m shaking out of anger and frustration and maybe too much caffeine. “I’ve been here for 6 months and can’t get anything done.”

5. I slam the car door. Eighty minutes of driving for no reason. I make another appointment. July 31st. I feel bad for being snappy with her. It’s not her fault. But man, what a frustrating morning.

6. I have no meal plan but the tuna is on sale. So are the tomatoes. I grab Italian sausage and a can of crushed tomatoes and some pasta. Let it be easy.

7. Pepper Jelly.

8. No clouds in the sky. The dusty silhouette of the moon.

9. I don't know what that one is. The fruit is gaining in size, still bright green with a chalky look.

10. I can feel the answer in my gut.

Ten.Six Hundred & Seventy-Six

1. How much longer before the alarm goes off?

2. Linen feels right for today.

3. “It’s Thursday, isn’t it? Today is Cleaning Day.” I love it when he reminds me.

4. And I hate that the rewards are working.

5. I like that this is a judgement-free conversation. I say out loud that I need to dial back the ambition. I’m carrying over the goals from last week. Because, look. You can’t build Rome in a day.

6. I’m glad we’re back to our weekly calls.

7. The walk doesn’t take very long. The sun is bright. There’s a breeze. It’s quiet. Her shirt says Chicago.

8. I just need more sleep. I drag the hammock into the shade. There is the sound of a mower and a weed wacker, a prop plane, doves,

9. Four dragonflies circling the yard.

10. “Got treasures in my mind but couldn’t open up my own vault/My childlike creativity, purity and honesty/Is honestly being crowded by these grown thoughts/Reality is catchin’ up with me” - Power, Kanye West

Ten.Six Hundred & Seventy-Five

1. Get dressed now? Or wait? I’ll wait.

2. The sizzle of butter in the pot. Water. Brown sugar. It’s not fancy. It wasn’t meant to be fancy. I can’t believe I’ve been making this for 10 years. The time goes so fast.

3. Something about this doesn’t feel right. Camino Diablo? I reset the directions. I wasn’t going to the right place. At least I’ll still be on time.

4. Hills browned over. They look like gold and very dry. Off in the distance the fog lays low, hugging Mt. Diablo.

5. I don’t think I could live all the way out here.

6. I usually get a feeling about things and this time I am feeling uncertain. Not good, not bad. It could go either way. I play out alternative scenarios. None of them feel like losing.

7. Funnyons.

8. I forgot that she was coming today. I remind myself that no child cares about how clean my kitchen is. But tomorrow, I really do need to clean. It’s giving me too much anxiety.

9. I keep talking about her wines. I keep telling me how much he’s going to like them. I keep telling him that we need to get back up to the valley again. That up there is where we belong.

10. We have the same name. I find that amusing.

Ten.Six Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. Pre-dawn run to the grocery store. I forgot about the breakfast for his class.

2. They try to get me to sign a petition as I exit the grocery store and I want to tell them that I’ve already been warned by the folks on the Next Door app that they are being paid by the developer. Plus I’m not yet registered to vote here yet.

3. The coffee still tastes weak. I need to figure out the right grind.

4. The good thing about being early is having time to circle blocks multiple times in search of parking.

5. Taquine.

6. One pale blue plate with a small hunk of bread, evenly sliced. A small ramekin of olive oil. A pile of large flakes of salt. It’s almost too pretty to eat.

7. How is this my life right now?

8. The route home takes me up Claremont Rd., past the Claremont Hotel. I think back to last year when Jennette and A’Driane and I walked into the lobby to pick up some cases of wine that had been left for us to use at the ranch. I remember how oddly out of place we felt. But it is beautiful.

9. I sigh. He asks me what’s wrong. I tell him that nothing is wrong. It’s just that I had such a good day. That I couldn’t believe that I was sitting in Berkeley eating lunch and drinking wine with a winemaker and an artist. That it just seemed too good to be true.

10. Everyone hurry up and go to bed.

Ten.Six Hundred & Seventy-Three

1. The roses just seem to appear out of nowhere. Some of them are still wet from the sprinklers. I gently shake away the little droplets.

2. Cool, almost cold.

3. Isn’t it a Monday?

4. I pick a seat facing the sun and close my eyes. The background noise for the meditation is of running water. I think of that one spot on the trail in Muir Woods where the water was running over the rocks and there was this tiny sliver of sunlight that broke through the canopy and made the water sparkle.

5. And then, just like that.

6. I have him do another breathing treatment and drink another glass of water. What it is about a child’s cough that hurts you so much?

7. I prep the peppers and the onions and the spices for the soup while the chicken thaws. I laugh at myself. At how I’m making soup because it’s feeling cool this morning. I mean, it does feel like soup weather. But it’s mostly a meal of convenience.

8. Whatever this is, it’s not worth it.

9. She asks me why I’m smiling. I tell her it’s because I got to have conversations with people I admire. She tells me that she’s proud of me. She thanks me for the hug.

10. Not folded, but clean. And today, that has to be enough.

Ten.Six Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. More people-ing today.

2. Thinking over the things I heard, saw, and experienced yesterday. Any time you are in a space with that with many people and having some uncomfortable conversations, it’s bound to bring up ideas, questions, emotions. Mostly ideas. Big ones.

3. Already time to go.

4. I break a bottle of rosé. Of course I’ve broken something. My fingers have a way of failing me.

5. Cheese head. Packer’s fan. He’s a funny one. Sometimes people just want to talk, to be listened to. I like to listen.

6. Sometimes I just don’t know.

7. The sun is gone and the clouds are moving through. I didn’t think it rained in May.

8. I stop myself from thinking these things. So easy to go down the rabbit hole. I think of Brenè Brown. What is the story that I’m telling myself? And is this story true?

9. Moving up and down and in and out of the clouds’ shadows. I miss poetry. I miss the practice of poetry. I guess it’s good that I have a poetry course coming up soon.

10. Add more sleep.