Ten.Five Hundred & Seventy-One

1. No dream that I can remember.

2. Sink full of dishes. I still don’t want to do them.

3. We do this almost everyday and still I look back to ask him a question when I get to the stoplight. I realize that this is a very tiny taste of an empty nest: looking and looking for those mouths of those voices and remembering that they are gone.

4. Coffee and this corner.

5. “To Reach Japan.” Greta is me and I am Greta and damn, this is such a beautiful story.

6. 100 rejections.

7. The sun feels good against the skin. We decide it might be best to not travel down this road. Hawk on the treetop.

8. “When everything, everything, everything you touch turns to gold, gold, gold, gold.”

9. But it’s really like a hazy dream and there’s no other way to describe it. My eyes swell up just a bit as I descend into the valley, lavender and pale orange skies behind a silhouette of mountains.

10. I read him a paragraph from “Tropic of Cancer.” No wonder it was banned.

Ten.Five Hundred & Seventy

1. I want the dream to continue. I can feel everything.

2. I added the cream before the butter. Silly accident. This has never happened to me before. I laugh to myself. I hope they turn out.

3. Sun, sun, sun.

4. I decide that I want to listen to David Sedaris read Miranda July’s “Roy Spivey” while I take a walk.

5. So much sun. Still a little brisk but I stick to the sidewalks without the shadows for maximum exposure.

6. I find the hoe and the seeds she sent me. I hope they take. It would sure be something to see the blank spaces in the garden bed fill up with poppies this spring.

7. I pick a lemon and two oranges. The scent of fresh citrus is my new favorite.

8. Insurance. Phone call after phone call after phone call. Adulting.

9. La petite mort.

10. What I miss about that year was that, for a very short period in my life, I felt very safe and very free. It’s not the youth I miss, it’s the freedom.

Ten.Five Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. Clogged nose. I’m going to ignore the alarm and sleep in.

2. Just enough light for me to tell that the sun is going to be out today. Thank goodness.

3. Earthling Poems.

4. Cleaning on a sunny day is kind of the best feeling. Everything shines.

5. I make all of them vacuum their rooms on their own. I took that out of my cleaning routine and reclaim 15 minutes of my life back.

6. She’s on time.

7. Only an hour to get to SF. This would never be the case in Chicago. Traffic? What traffic?

8. Green hills. Sea gulls. Blue sky. The San Francisco skyline as we come over the bridge.

9. Hollow.

10. French onion soup. Wagyu beef cheek. Key Lime Pie. Puligney-Montrachet. Nebbiolo.

Ten.Five Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. I didn’t write the newsletter. I decide not to let it bother me too much.

2. Words feel so distant. I think I’m allowed to still be floundering after such a transition. Yet, there is this desire to have everything need and tidy and predictable.

3. Gray morning and a cup of hot coffee. A little piece of quiet before I go to work.

4. “I was saved from despair countless times by the flowers and the trees I planted.” - Alice Walker

5. Reading these makes me want to write a bunch of love poems.

6. The hiss of the iron. Pillows of steam floating into the air.

7. I wave to the hawk standing guard on the post.

8. He’s explaining wine to her in their native language. Something eastern European but I can pick out little bits and pieces. I know just enough of a few other languages to be able to eavesdrop rather effectively.

9. I could write 100 books based on the people I meet here. This is kind of a thrilling idea.

10. He drags me out of bed and brings out the camera so that I can see the moon. She is a wonder for sure. I’m glad he’s forced my out. I had been completely content with the idea of missing it, but I would have regretted it.

Ten.Five Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. What’s that glow?

2. Granola. Fruit. Coffee. Waiting patiently for sunrise.

3. New babysitter. She lives right across the street. Please let her be a good one. What time is it?

4. Coffee, sipped slowly, feet up on the coffee table. It’s still quiet right now.

5. Math club and honor society. She will probably be a keeper.

6. The sun is finally out and it feels a little like magic.

7. I try to listen to him teach her about France and grapes but I already know this stuff. I walk to the back bar with The Wine Bible and read that instead.

8. I eat my beet salad with goat cheese and pepitas in the car. No music. Windows down. The turbines are spinning. There are people out pruning the vines.

9. Everyone likes to hang out. I just want to get back home to have dinner with my family.

10. Energies.

Ten.Five HUndred & Sixty-Six

1. Wandering around in the dark. A metaphor for life sometimes.

2. He really doesn’t stop talking.

3. Parted clouds. The peak of Mount Diablo. The soft glow of morning light.

4. This coffee will be cold by the time I get back.

5. It feels good to see how much I still know. I ought to be more confident in my knowledge.

6. Ok.

7. “It’s just…I don’t have the words to describe how grateful I am for you.” Oh, my mama heart.

8. There it is. That tightness. The feeling of constriction. It’ll be okay.

9. I did say that this might be the year of more, didn’t I?

10. No one is excited about the beet salad. I’ll save it for work tomorrow.

Ten.Five Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. I don’t want to get up. Partly because I wanted to see how the dream finished.

2. No one seems to be able to wait for the bacon.

3. To coffee or not to coffee?

4. Farouche. Forasticus. Wild. Living Outside.

5. The trouble with seeing all the possibilities is deciding which ones to go after. Or, maybe instead of going after, it’s about being patient enough to allow the best ones to filter through.

6. I remind myself that everything will take some time. Trust in the timing of things.

7. I love a good book store but the layout and quantity of books in this one feels overwhelming. I leave with a book of poetry by Alice Walker.

8. Burger with aged cheddar and red onion. Cote de Brouilly Beaujolais. No dessert today.

9. One bowl chocolate cake. Maybe this is the end of the rain.

10. Beauty hunting.

Ten.Five Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. Feels like a day for a black turtleneck.

2. What are the stories I’m trying to tell?

3. Sightly better look on his face this morning.

4. The clouds are covering just the tip of Mt. Diablo. It feels so good to have a bit of clear sky before the rains return.

5. No v-neck undershirts. All the things for chicken tortilla soup.

6. I laugh while I stir the pot. Time just goes by so quickly when she and I are together. I suppose that is the power of depth.

7. “I want to be with those who want to tell the truth.”

8. Yes, yes. That’s right. Be unapologetic in your choices.

9. Wherever it is that we are, it’s gorgeous. Hills upon hills upon hills all around. Cows, olive trees, an alpaca. This place.

10. The loneliness is really setting in for him.

Ten.Five Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. Day 3 of no coffee.

2. Only 50 degrees and rain all day. But there is much to do.

3. The look on his face is better today than it was yesterday.

4. But hot tea is just not the same as coffee.

5. I go in to look for some more pants for him but all I walk out with is a small rusty bowl that I know I want to photograph those oranges in.

6. A whole house to myself. So quiet. So quiet. Corners of light.

7. What it will be is more freedom, right? I can feel the weight lifting off of me already with that one decision.

8. Meaning, it’s not that I don’t want to freelance. I want to do work that I want to do. But shifting away from calling myself a freelancer and choosing to assume the title of “artist” instead feels more spacious.

9. Deperu Holler Familia. Something like 80% Cannonau, which I’ve never had before. I think I like it.

10. I will figure it out when it’s time to figure it out.

Ten.Five Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. But I don’t want to get up.

2. Cereal for them. Let’s keep it easy on this Monday morning.

3. He looks like he’s about to cry. I ask him if he’s being made fun of having trouble with other kids. No. It’s just a general dislike of school. I still don’t know how to help him with this.

4. I crawl under the blanket in the bunk bed. It’s so cold everywhere in the house. I can’t keep myself warm.

5. It’s good to see her face and hear her voice.

6. Embodied desire.

7. The fragrance of the lilies. I think of my grandmother and my niece.

8. A tiny book of wine terms from 1955. She’s the most thoughtful. I’m working on that.

9. They ask if they can eat the oranges we picked off the tree. Not yet. Not yet. I just really like the way they look with their leaves on the slightly wrinkled linen. Besides, they aren’t that ripe anyway.

10. My list of things I want to do far exceeds the energy I have that would be required to complete them.

Ten.Five Hundred & Sixty-One

1. He’s trying to be sneaky.

2. The room looks so empty now that the tree is gone. What do do with with this space? How long will we be here?

3. I just want to sit and drink this coffee and wait for all the morning color to come alive.

4. My reaction surprises me. I have so much more work to do.

5. Bunches of Eucalyptus and two boxes of Satsumas. Sometimes grocery shopping does bring me joy.

6. My hesitancy is a double-edged sword.

7. He brings me one of his hybrid succulents, which is what I was really hoping for. It’s beautiful. Just absolutely beautiful.

8. I am here for the different, interesting, intelligent, wordly.

9. Roasted chicken, winter squash puree, sauteed spinach, apple galette with Tillamook ice cream. Bugey-Cerdon La Cueille Sparkling Wine. Lionel Faury L’Art Zélé Syrah. Perle de Gamay by Nicole et Romain Chanrion. 2010 Seña.

10. Fed.

Ten.Five Hundred & Sixty

1. I should just wake up now so that I can go get the donuts. They’ll be happy about the donuts. I want greens and protein.

2. I really gotta take down this tree today.

3. Shaming myself for not loving myself more is no way to move through the day. And so, maybe some self-forgiveness is in order.

4. I forgive myself for being human.

5. Fig jam and blue cheese and goat cheese and grossini. The grocery store is so quiet this morning. No one here does anything before 9 am.

6. I’m high enough in the hills to touch the clouds.

7. He’s back. Sad about his Alabama loss, surprised that I remembered his first and last name and that he doesn’t want to drink the chardonnay we’re pouring today.

8. She asks if she has to put in her real birthday or if she can use her first one. Her real birthday is the same one as Trump’s and she said she just couldn’t stand it so she celebrates on a different day. We laugh and commiserate over the counter the way I think only people of color can.

9. Mouth so dry.

10. The best part of leaving is how sweetly they welcome me back home.

Ten.Five Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. Next time use less flax milk when using it as a substitute for milk in the scones.?

2. Why am I yelling?

3. Oh, yeah. So I’m feeling lonely. I am grieving loss of relationships. I am excited about potential new relationships but there is nothing yet solid here. Also, stressed about time. My list of desires is so long I feel like I can’t hold them all. But that is nothing new.

4. The post office isn’t open yet. I forget how early it is sometimes.

5. Whoops. Triggered. Suddenly I’m aware that I’m afraid of how she might see me differently?

6. Questions. So many questions.

7. But I shouldn’t care what others think, should I? Regardless, this is really just showing me that there’s so much more to explore and unpack in this choice-making.

8. Free run, skin contact Chardonnay from Scribe. Poached chicken finished on the grill with pureed winter squash and sauteed broccolini. Apple and sour cherry galette.

9. I realize that everyone’s funky energy today might have something to do with my own energy. I can feel my own dark cloud today.

10. There’s no rush.

Ten.Five Hundred & Fifty-Eight

1. Cleaning day.

2. It worked this time. Up with the alarm, not before.

3. Tea and not coffee. I really want coffee.

4. Smashed glass and front ends and people standing on the side of the road. Each of them is holding a toddler. But everyone looks okay.

5. We’re early so we stop for coffee.

6. Grown things. But that’s a hefty tag. But this is also the kind of thing you don’t want to do cheaply.

7. The way the clouds make shadows on the hillsides. Some days the windmills look larger than usual.

8. I really gotta take down this tree.

9. Lunette.

10. Making space.

Ten.Five Hundred & Fifty-Seven

1. Shoot. Fell asleep too early last night. It’s only 4 am. When did he come into the bed. Oh yes, that’s right, he said he was having nightmares.

2. Today is the short day. Laundry and making lots of lists.

3. Where are my slippers?

4. I bring down all the containers so that I can put away the Christmas tree but instead I catch up on emails and then tuck myself into bed with a big glass of water. It’s been a long 4 days.

5. Off-dry.

6. The oldest has a sour face. Must be homework.

7. I tell him that I have to get back off the coffee, the afternoon crash is too hard. All I want to do is sleep.

8. Their giggles. This light. This moment.

9. I think back to what he’s been saying, “I’m betting on myself. I’m betting on us.”

10. I just want to close my eyes.

Ten.Five Hundred & Fifty-Six

1. It’s early. I’m not sure how early, but it’s early.

2. Nope. It still doesn’t work. I can’t type the numbers at all. But the alarm is still going off.

3. Bacon and hashbrowns. Everybody wants a fried egg white. What am I supposed to do with all of the yolks.

4. Thin turbine blade peak out through the bottoms of the clouds. The cows’ coats look particularly black today. Maybe they have just been cleaned by yesterday’s rains.

5. This drive through the hills, though. I can’t complain.

6. A cup of tomato soup. I should have gotten a whole bowl. On a day like today, I could stand to eat a little more.

7. I’m zoning out. It’s not out of boredom, the coffee has worn off, the food has kicked in. It’s been a long day.

8. I don’t mind the traffic today. It gives me more time to watch the cows and birds. One big beautiful hawk sitting on a fence post.

9. I tell him that of all the things I learned today, what stuck out the most to me was how excited I was being in the vineyard. That’s what I want to do. Even more than wine making. Yes. Put me on the ground with muddy boots and talk to me about wind speeds and fog patterns and grafting and canopy.

10. In due time. All in due time.

Ten.Five Hundred & Fifty-Five

1. The man’s name is Dom. That’s what I remember from the dream. And he had a scraggly beard and wild hair and tender eyes. I don’t know who he is and yet I do. I’m drawing circles and figure eights in his palm with my fingertip. It feels like this means something.

2. I fell asleep too early last night. The clock says 4:16.

3. I apologize for having to drop them off a little earlier than usual. I have no idea what the traffic will be like.

4. I start my way through the hills and I feel the pressure building up behind my eyes. The tears want to come. I’m just so happy.

5. People will tire of hearing how happy I am, won’t they? I don’t care.

6. It’s funny how tears can mean so many different things. Two months ago the tears were salty. Now they taste fresh.

7. I think again about the tender dream. I could have more tenderness.

8. Mama said
   Fulfill the prophecy
   Be something greater
   Go make a legacy
   Manifest destiny
   Back in the days
   We wanted everything, wanted everything
   Mama said
   Burn your biographies
   Rewrite your history
   Light up your wildest dreams
   Museum victories, everyday
   We wanted everything, wanted everything

9. I forgot to thaw the ground turkey.

10. But really, I can’t wait to take them tasting, and to the beach, and to the woods. March can’t come soon enough.

Ten.Five Hundred & Fifty-Four

1. Up before the alarm. But it’s okay. I need to be up anyway. More time to sit in the dark.

2. I wipe down the counters and sweep the floors. I see that he’s unplugged the Christmas tree. It’s really time to take her down.

3. Coffee? Yes. I think today is another coffee day.

4. I take myself back to bed, fully dressed. Coffee in one hand and wordscapes in the other.

5. The sound of the rain. This is one of those sleepy kind of Sundays. It should be slow in the tasting room today.

6. He’s from here in California but went to Alabama for school. Work just made him get a passport so he’s curious as to what’s in store for 2019.

7. The four of them work for ESPN. That must be fun. Twenty-something and travelling across the country for work, tasting wine in your downtime. I know the city they are from.

8. He’s from Germany and so we talk about the old world whites from cold climates that we like: things from Alsace and Austria, Alto Adige in Italy. He thinks the California wines are too heavy but he still leaves with a bottle of reisling.

9. The two of them want to take a picture with me. They are the last ones to leave the tasting room but were so kind—which is what you’d expect from a group of southerners raised right by their mothers and fathers. “Roll tide,” they yell as the group tromps out into the rain.

10. This drive at night in the rain just wrecks my nerves. It takes a few minutes to unwind, unclench, remember to breathe.

Ten.Five Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. Dark, dark, dark.

2. The twinkle lights making the quartz and the tiny glass jars full of feathers sparkle.

3. Minimalism.

4. Today is a coffee day I think. I can’t remember the last time I had coffee. Maybe a week?

5. The call. One hour of this kind of connection is so good for the soul.

6. I scarf down luke-warm soup, grab a bottle of kombucha and put on my converse to head out to work.

7. Everyone is worried that it will be too slow of a day. I am okay with the slowness.

8. A photographer. He writes down his contact info for me.

9. These two are on a date. Or are getting to know one another more. It’s cute.

10. I unload my pockets and realize that the folded bill they gave me was not $10 but $20. I notice that I am having mixed feelings about the tips I am receiving. I wonder why it makes me emotional. I wonder why I care at all. I am grateful and curious and honored. It is challenging me to be okay with receiving.

Ten.Five Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. The phone was right. It was pretty easy getting up at 5:30 after waiting until 10:30 to go to sleep. I think I’ve been going to bed too early.

2. Let’s make something with prosciutto and eggs.

3. No one is as excited about crispy prosciutto as I am.

4. Examine your expectations. Examine your expectations. Examine your expectations.

5. The quietness of a grocery story on a weekday morning. I hear my own heals, managers talking to other employees about the day, where to stack things, what items are missing. And it’s early enough that everyone is still pleasant and happy.

6. Headache.

7. Camera play. I block the light and then reveal it. Eye contact with the camera. Who is this woman?

8. I join him on his bike ride. It’s a little chilly but yet I’m still breaking a tiny sweat. “I’m glad we live in California,” he says. “Look at this. I’m riding a bike in shorts!" Yes, man. You’re wearing shorts in January.

9. How do we expedite this?

10. The irises are opening up beautifully. They remind me walking through Whole Foods with Jennette before we headed to the ranch. I can’t wait for Fever Dreams. 9 Months to go.