Ten.Five Hundred & Thirty-One

1. The glow of the amaryllis.

2. Almost 7:15 and I still haven’t had my coffee yet.

3. We are all forgetting things. Time to bring back the checklists.

4. We head towards the trail. Feather. Two white cranes in flight along the creek. It feels like medicine to me. A leaf the size of my face. I now hold that and the feather in my hands. Then we each pick up a large, smoothe nut of some kind. Let’s figure out what this is.

5. I am always seeing something new.

6. Wine delivery. Two bottles of rosé with a gorgeous leather carrying case. The color of the wine is a pale rose gold. I stick one in the fridge to chill.

7. Semi-sweet chocolate chips.

8. She asks if she can make the cookies. I say yes, and then tell her to add the flaky sea salt on top. “Mise en place!” I shout to her. “I know!”

9. Turns out, I just don’t like chocolate chip cookies.

10. “I don’t feel bad about feeling happy. And neither do you. Because you’re happy.”

Ten.Five Hundred & Twenty-Nine

1. Alone again. I go through the routine: turn off the outside lights, raise the blinds on the front window, then open the blinds on the sliding glass door in the family room.

2. Today sounds like a good day for blueberry muffins. She’s upset about the blueberries even though I know she’ll eat them.

3. Trying to be flexible in my thinking. This week, cleaning day can’t be on Thursday and I don’t want it to be on Friday, so it must be today. And today is their short day anyway, there’s not much else one can do with such limited time.

4. 11 am. Done and done. I head out for a 30 minute walk. No headphones today.

5. I take a picture of the blue house. I love the landscaping: tall, windswept grasses, huge aloes, and other large bushes and small trees that I can’t identify.

6. They have dark stone like this at The French Laundry.

7. Why are there so many people at the dollar store?

8. I take them to the park. They boys find some other boys to play basketball with on the court and the girls run off to the playground to do their thing. I sit at a bench and write. I can see the turbines off in the distance. I can see a lonely oak on a hill. I can see Mt. Diablo. I can see tall palms swaying in the wind. I laugh at how this is my new winter.

9. The fear is just a concern that I’ll feel a loss of freedom. But the truth is that in return, I’m going to gain so much more. So much more.

10. Roasted chicken and leftover baked potatoes with Alice Waters’ rocket salad. 2017 Kuentz-Bas Pinot Noir. Fun wine but not the most perfect pairing with the roasted chicken..

Ten.Five Hundred & Twenty-Eight

1. What’s for breakfast, what’s for breakfast?

2. I stir the milk and the water and the steel cut oats. I really hope they eat them because these are going to take so long to cook.

3. He tells me that the elf is hiding in a very tricky spot.

4. Bright morning sky. I’m beginning to learn the patterns.

5. I set to work on some things for liberated lines and decide to not beat myself up over how I forgot to do so many things. It’s been so long since we’ve run one plus the distraction and chaotic mess of a major move. Note to self: plan to do less the next time you decide to embark on a major life transition.

6. Ok. I can take a walk. I need to take a walk. I grab my coat and put on my boots (yes, I think these will be comfortable enough for work) and stick the earbuds in my ears. The sun is bright and the sky is blue and clear. Yellow is really yellow and orange looks like fire. It’s quiet save the intermittent sound of leaf blowers.

7. I spot more blossoms on the lemon tree and see way too much rotting and rotted fruit on the orange. I promise them that I’ll take care of them but that I just need to get through this season.

8. Flashcards.

9. Leftover pork tenderloin, baked potatoes, a simple recipe of creamed spinach from Alice Water’s The Art of Simple Food. They tell me that they’ll always eat spinach if it’s made like this.

10. There is so much to plan.

Ten.Five Hundred & Twenty-Seven

1. Please let it not be time to get up already. Oh, just. 1:04 am. I can go back to bed.

2. It’s just me. I set out the cinnamon bread from Trader Joes, plates, the toaster, softened butter, a bowl of grapes, a cut up apple. The extra effort is worth it. This is the first time we’ve all sat down to eat breakfast together in a long time.

3. Today, he leaves before we do.

4. It says there’s a 24 minute slow down but that I’m still on the fastest route.

5. And then there’s a turbine. The fog is still so thick and for a minute I feel like the earth is being invaded by giant aliens.

6. The cows are right up against the fence.

7. Not perfection, but excellence.

8. More flashcards. She asks me if I’m ready to be tested yet. No, not yet. I tell her to give me a few more weeks and then we can start.

9. The chicken parmigiana is a little bland. Needed more salt. But I’m the only one who seemed to notice. He picked a good night to be gone for dinner.

10. There is room for everything.

Ten.Five Hundred & Twenty-Six

1. What day is it? Sunday. Oh, yes. Okay.

2. I let myself sleep in but it leads to anxiety about the to-do list for today. I need to go grocery shopping but I still need to make a meal plan for the week. But I also don’t know what this week is going to look like with this new job stuff. I’ll keep it simple.

3. I think I’m recording a message to her but look down and see that I accidentally stopped it 10 minutes ago. Is it a sign? Or should I jus re-record myself?

4. He keeps asking me if I am finding what I need.

5. The fog is still hanging low and there is a bright gray hue over everything. What grapes could they possibly be growing here? They all look head trained so most likely Zinfandel? The colors of the leaves are breathtaking.

6. Second store. Still slowly walking up and down the aisles. My eyes begin to swell with tears. I can’t find anything that I’m looking for. At least not a the price that I want to pay for it. Nothing feels familiar. I’ve been gone almost two hours already. They are tears of frustration. I’ll eventually figure it out.

7. Sometimes the feelings just leak out when you least expect it.

8. Two cups of tea and a long nap.

9. Salmon, risotto, asparagus. No one seems to be as hungry as I am.

10. Nervous. Is “nervous” the same thing as “scared”? I’ll be okay.

Ten.Five Hundred & Twenty-Five

1. The three of them on the sofa watching a television show. Is it even 6 am yet?

2. Scones. I stick the butter in the freezer and set out the flour, baking powder, sugar, salt, cream.

3. Sometimes, the more crumbly, the better.

4. The heat of the coffee in my hands. Fog all around.

5. We have an owl. A real owl this time. It’s staring at us. Us at it.

6. Just a few miles down the highway and the sun begins to break through.

7. From the bridge we see sailboats and military ships. Oh, that was an island. Treasure island.

8. Fat pigeons. One glass of Malbec. Cheeseburger and fries.

9. We can’t find parking. Newbies. We go home without having achieved the goal. I relax into the reality of it. We came all this way and all I got to do was eat a burger. But it only takes us an hour to get home. And this is reassuring.

10. “…and you’re the sky.”

Ten.Five Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. What the…why are all of them awake?

2. I am trying to make breakfast but the three of them are also trying to make lunch and for as big as this space is the kitchen is smaller than the old house. All of us trying to do this work at the same time is just chaos.

3. I keep looking at the clock. I still haven’t made coffee yet.

4. They all wanted to get to school early and so now I’m back home by 8 am.

5. The acorns don’t look like the kinds of acorns we’re used to seeing. This plant here looks like a bunch of cat tails made out of succulents. Their yard is full of containers full of all kinds of plants. That’s what we can do.

6. The drive to Oakland is easy. An hour, but easy. Then again, he’s the one doing the driving.

7. Baby snuggles. I do miss it. And I also don’t. But oh, to hold a little baby again. He will tell me that we should have had one more.

8. The shrimp taco is the best. The three of them know each other and they sit down at our table and make small talk and before we leave.

9. I buy a cookbook from him. He tells us that he was the Chef at Chez Panisse. I don’t know the name but I do love a good story and a cookbook.

10. I decide we’ll try the greens with garlic cloves and pancetta. Pork tenderloin with a dijon cream sauce. Roasted fingerling potatoes. Cote-de-Brouilly.

Ten.Five Hundred & Twenty-Three

1. It’s a different one this time.

2. I’m too preoccupied about the interview today. I’m just walking around in circles.

3. Well that’s a first.

4. The sink just keeps filling with water and nothing is going down. I’m trying not to yell at them because it’s not them. It’s that the sink is filling with water and it won’t go down.

5. Blazer? Sweater? Neither? Blazer. Yes. Blazer. Is the white and black and gray too boring? He told me to just be myself.

6. Bright blue sky. The hills that line Vasco Road are beginning to turn green. The cows are getting fatter.

7. Okay. I think I can do this.

8. “How did your job interview go?” I think this means I’m doing something right with him. I’m trying to hide the tears from the almost-11-year-old but it feels like a big deal that he remembered. I tell him that I got the job. He congratulates me. This is one of the things you aren’t prepared for as a parent.

9. I see his post and I’m a little embarrassed. But it’s sweet that he’s so proud and excited for me.

10. His turn tomorrow.

Ten.Five Hundred & Twenty-Two

1. He’s already here. Again.

2. I understand the problem now. They miss all the free time in the morning before going to school. So the plan is to get up earlier and earlier. I need to figure out a solution to this.

3. Rainy morning. LIght is slowly coming.

4. I look back and then remember he is not with me but I still hear his voice singing along. He will always sing along with me.

5. She tells me that she can see the joy radiating out of me. I believe her. I can feel it. I feel different.

6. I keep reminding myself that it’s an early day. Don’t forget it’s an early day.

7. 925. Livermore. I should probably answer this.

8. I don’t like shopping. Love clothes. Dislike shopping. I wish someone else could do this for me. But I find a pair of black booties, plus a $20 coupon in my email, plus $15 left on a gift card.

9. I feel like I can do anything.

10. She ends me an email with a list of her favorite things in the bay area and it’s the kind of thing that is so thoughtful that it makes little tears form at the corner of my eye. The sweetness of it is overwhelming and maybe it’s just because I’m up way past my bed time.

Ten.Five Hundred & Twenty-One

1. His alarm is going off. “Oh, it’s 6 o’clock!”  

2. The youngest one has already beat me to the kitchen. “Will you please cut my apple,” he says with a jig. He always has a jig. 

3. Imagine Dragons station as we roll out of the driveway. 

4. Their voices and their faces on this Tuesday. It is the same but also not. And yet I needed it more than I realized. 

5. No sun and so today the hills look more gray than brown.  

6. La Note. 

7. I miss this kind of buzz. Youthful energy.  

8. This new pick-up strategy didn’t work. We all agree to go back to the old way.  

9. Back to flash card life. 

10. She makes me promise to wake her up at 6:05. I will probably regret agreeing to this. But the way she smiled at me made it so hard to resist. 

Ten.Five Hundred & Twenty

1. How is he always beating me to the kitchen? 

2. Pre-make the waffle mix so it’s ready to go. Realize that it’s in a box that’s still taped up. There is still unpacking to do.

3. I keep saying that I’ll quit but there really isn’t a replacement for this. At least I’m down to 1.5 mugs a day.  

4. I could really go for that Apple and cherry galette right now. 

5. I grab a lemon off the ground. It’s not too soft yet. I reach up and tug on the ones that look the most yellow but none seem ready to release themselves. I check the oranges and pomelos, think about what I could put in containers in the back corner.

6. The light. The light. 

7. Warmed tomatoes and feta on the porch with flash cards.

8. The afternoon comes too soon. 

9. Fraud alert.  

10. I do want to do that.  

Ten.Five Hundred & Nineteen

1. I should still be the only one awake.  

2. The elf.  

3. I put my donut on a plate and she asks me why I’m putting it in the microwave. “Oh yeah, the only proper way to eat a Krispy Kreme donut is hot.” 

4. The light. The light. December and all this light. Not just the light but also the warmth. 

5. I keep thinking about how he said my life looks so fascinating. I suppose, in a way, it is. But it still makes me want to rush to Instagram and make some sort of disclaimer: “Object is messier than she appears!”

6. We drive to the library but it’s closed. The façade looks new. I hope they pumped it up full of good books and reading spaces.  

7. Rectangles of light on the dining room floor. I walk back to the door and step outside, barefoot, no coat. The warmth feels good. I sit down in the chair, close my eyes, and throw my head back.  

8. This is a thing one could cry over.  

9. I see the dissonance in my thoughts and now I can transform it.  

10. That’s what I want. A hype squad.  

Ten.Five Hundred & Eighteen

1. He beat me here. Claims that he just woke up.

2. Thick cut bacon. Eating a banana to hold me over until it’s done and I can eat the scrambled egg with the bacon and some toast.

3. Unsalted butter. I sprinkle a little bit of flaky sea salt across the toast. Much better.

4. Mt. Diablo as clear as day. Hills dotted with oak trees. The way the clouds make shadows across the land. I need to pay attention to the road but my eyes can’t help but look up and down and all around.

5. But where are the computer mice?

6. There are still more boxes to unpack. I find the one full of things from Fever Dreams: rose garlands and the bee rattle, died silk and paper. Less than a year to go.

7. Artist to artist. It’s funny just how connected you can become to another person through their images and words through this little app. But yeah, we are the 10% we speak about. We are the few who sometimes feel a little odd but also very real.

8. Laundry. And laundry. More laundry.

9. And now I can buy Sunset Magazine with so much ease.

10. He’s wiping his eyes with his napkin and I’m singing Christmas carols which is basically the same thing as crying for me, isn’t it?

Ten.Five Hundred & Seventeen

1. I talk myself into getting up and out of the bed before the alarm. 

2. Too much time spent on trying to get this bun to sit right.  

3. New-to-me Coffee. A lighter and sweeter flavor than we typically drink but still very good.  

4. We’ve learned the magic of the short loop. It will always be faster to use this half-circle. 

5. The brightness of the sun. 

6. Corsican, French, Italian, Alsatian. She picks the wines. What an adventure.

7. Chez Panisse.  

8. I tell him I’m glad I got a chance to see Kermit Lynch in the flesh. Because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to retake the certified exam, but it gave me a little bit of energy to get back to my studies. 

9. All of this. We get to enjoy all of this forever.

10. Smaller tree. Shorted out star. Shorted out color lights. And I’m okay with it. Choosing ease, deciding to let it be imperfect. Maybe this will be the trend going forward.  

Ten.Five Hundred & Fifteen

1. Up before the alarm.

2. Today is the short day, which I’m kind of dreading but also looking forward to.

3. The light is slow to come today. The street it filled with fog.

4. Note to self: use the smaller circle for drop off.

5. He’s off to Santa Rosa which gives me a good solid chunk of time alone. I dig out the headphones. Wait, first I need to find that elf.

6. He would probably tell me to leave it alone but I just want to make sure I’ve tried at least one more time. I just want to make sure I’ve tried my best even though my gut tells me that space is what’s needed.

7. Sadness still.

8. They say it feels like a Saturday. Yes. This is the bonus of the short day.

9. Time at the basketball court. Who said we wouldn’t get color or feel the seasons change here? The clouds are just low enough to cover the tops of the hills and obscure the turbines.

10. There’s a season for everything.

Ten.Five Hundred & Fourteen

1.  Today.

2. So glad I made them get cereal for breakfast. Also, who doesn’t like a bowl of Kix once in a while?

3. They are so tired.  

4. They can play on the playground before school starts.  

5. She might be one of the few 3rd grade girl who extends her hand out for a shake when introducing herself to another kid. 

6. Displaced. They say it so nonchalantly. It most be normal here. But I hope he can be at the home school with his siblings soon. 

7. Oh, but there really is no hot water coming through this valve. 

8. “Nice house, bad plumbing,” he says slowly with a Japanese accent.  

9. I’m a little early but really it looks like I’m right on time. I’m worried that I’m doing this wrong. I’m worried that they didn’t have a good day. I’m worried that someone will feel forgotten. Here and then there and then back here again. I can do this. I’m crying a little bit in the car.  

10. A car full of happy children. And maybe I’m crying a little bit again.  

Ten.Five Hundred & Thirteen

1. Scones.

2. The lemons are still turning yellow. I don’t understand how any of it works but the fruit is still ripening.

3. That moment when you eat your own cooking and are amazed. Why are these scones so particularly light and fluffy?

4. The four of us arrive at the school. The two women at the desks seem friendly enough. There isn’t enough room for all three of them here. This makes me a little nervous.

5. I let them pick out the foods they think they’ll need for lunch this week. Because now it’s time to get back to school. No one seems to be worried. They aren’t excited but they aren’t nervous either.

6. All of the linens are finally clean again.

7. We walk down to the park with a few basketballs. It’s quiet. School is not out yet but there is a small gathering of moms and children at the park. It’s clear enough to see the hills and the turbines.

8. The leaves are red, so red.

9. I still love this succulent surrounded by white rock.

10. The anger isn’t anger. Fear, maybe. Disappointment, maybe.

Ten.Five Hundred & Twelve

1. The sound of heat blowing through the vents.

2. More sweet potatoes in the blue bowl.  

3. The sun is coming up and I remember what she said about making space for myself. I go to the garage door and drag the iron chairs to the front alcove. I find the cushions in another box and attach them to the chairs.

4. Needs something else. 

5. I can still hear the screaming. 

6. They don’t like that they touch while sitting in the back seat.  

7. The sun feels so warm. The heat is pulsing through the black shirt. Yes. 

8. Sandwiches and chips overlooking the valley. They keep arguing over who gets to stand on what rock. 

9. He asks me if I want anything from Bouchon too. I realize that I can come whenever I want. So, no, nothing today, because I can always come back tomorrow. And I almost can’t believe it.

10. I keep forgetting about the time change. 

Ten.Five Hundred & Eleven

1. I start to worry about what I’m going to do after she leaves. I’m already feeling the ache. The ache of loneliness. 

2. But I remember that this is also good. This is a good feeling. This is what I wanted to happen from me moving here. I know my people are here. She will leave today but others will come in the future. 

3. Where do you feel full? 

4. Hugs all around.  

5. Paperwork. I write the same things over and over again. I don’t have a paystub with our new address. Maybe a bank statement will work? I will call Monday morning. I just need them back in school.  

6. Robin and I catch up for a bit. We share realizations that have set in since our last conversation. Also, I’m really ready for liberated lines again.  

7. Yelling and the sound of water coming out with speed and pressure.  

8. Thank you for being so kind and all but can you do what you need to do in order to stop the water from flooding the kitchen? 

9. So much water this week. There is a metaphor and a lesson in this.  

10. Sun making my legs warm. I don’t even care right now. Because I’m warm. I am in the light. I am light.  

10.1 The root is miscommunication. No one is hearing the same thing. No one is saying the same thing. No one remembers it exactly the same way. How do we lace compassion and forgiveness through the gaps?

10.2 Actually, Napa does sound like a good idea.  

Ten.Five Hundred & Ten

1. Quiet house. Captivated by twinkle lights. 

2. I think it’s rain but it’s actually the sound of the heat pushing through the vents.  

3. The smell of bacon.  

4. A bowl of sweet potatoes for breakfast and then coffee. I play memory at their feet. 

5. We try to find a coffee shop near by but the only one I know of is closed. And so is the bagel place so to Safeway we go. 

6. Icing for cookies and popcorn for a garland.  

7. I needed this.  

8. They’ve each decided on a shape and they take turn pressing their cookie cutter into the dough. The way they’ve been together is beautiful.  

9. Where is the void?  

10. “Is Ms. Melinda your friend?” “Yes, sweetie. Why do you ask?” “Because they feel like family.” 

10.1 I stand at the kitchen sink for the meditation. Every squeeze of the sponge is some kind of release. Pushing the mop brings me back to my body.  

10.2 I needed this.