Ten.Nine Hundred & Ninety-Three

1. Back to the alarm; I need the routine. And my goal is to get the work done during my most productive hours and that’s all the hours between 7am and 12pm.

2. I pour in the water, fill it with the grounds, and press the button. Nothing happens. No sputter and cough, no steam. It’s finally dead. Too bad we didn’t go ahead and order one yesterday. Not that we would have gotten it any time soon anyway.

3. French press?

4. I take my coffee back to the office, search for images, type, jot down ideas for this week and next week’s content.

5. I don’t alway sask why. Especially when I can sense the tone in the voice. Sometimes, you can feel the why and that is enough.

6. We find a quick bike route to the grocery store. He emerges with eggs and butter, two things I could not find last week. Also wine.

7. I clean and trim the beets, chew on a stem, realize how sweet it tastes. I listen to the whistle of the steam escaping through the lid.

8. Flour and butter on my hands. There is time for this. I wanted the time for this.

9. I take a sip. “Sauvignon Blanc?” “From where?” “Loire.” “Yep. Sancerre.” I give him a thumbs up. I should have passed that test.

10. Tender beet greens and roasted potatoes and cod, breaded and served with a beurre blanc.

11. An email with promise.

12. So much uncertainty and yet now there is space for clarity to emerge.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Ninety-Two

1. That was just a dream.

2. The sound of the coffee pot. I will miss working from home. I wonder how I can bargain for only 2 days in the office. Introvert things. Hard to break the habit of being in control of your own time. Also, I still have at least 2 more weeks of this so I should just enjoy it without worrying just yet.

3. Mug with no handle. Hot hands.

4. Back in bed with coffee and book. I could get used to this. I like this very much.

5. Leftover bolognese, add one more can of tomato sauce plus salt and various seasonings, mix in the tiny bit of mozzarella, drop big spoonfuls of ricotta, stick in the oven. We’ll have leftovers for tomorrow’s lunch.

6. No leftovers.

7. We don’t really know where to go, we just pedal. I say we should go ride in the new construction neighborhood to see what it’s like now that it’s almost full. No, I don’t think I could live here. I mean, I could, but I wouldn’t love it.

8. Am I devoted enough?

9. Chicken fat croutons.

10. My own bottle of wine. Kind of.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Ninety-One

1. So much light. Why am I oversleeping now? No alarm? Nervous system overload?

2. I lay still a little longer and stare at the light peeking through the blinds.

3. Coffee. Morning pages. I missed two days. What happened? Oh yeah, trying to get to the grocery store.

4. Chance the Rapper while I clean the office. Eventually two of us may be working in here on a more consistent basis. Also, it just feels good to clean.

5. Cleaning as a coping mechanism for when you feel as if you have no control.

6. We go for a walk It’s quiet on our street but then we get closer to the park and see more and more people. I jump onto the grassy areas because, I think, people don’t know what 6 feet actually looks like in practice. We decide to go back home.

7. I’m not ready to be inside yet. I take the broom from the garage and sweep the front porch.

8. Hammock . Garden & Gun.

9. “Why does the language of a tribe, or any community, need to be purified? I will answer for myself that the prescribed duty is to keep the language capable of telling the truth…. To stand by one’s word is everybody’s duty. To make words precise enough and clear enough to be stood by also is everybody’s duty, but I think that that has got to be the paramount duty of every writer, not just of every poet.” - Wendell Berry

10. Pax Petit Manseng and a backyard fire after an early dinner. The gray-white ash of the embers. Gratitudes for this blue sky.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Ninety

1. I should have gotten up earlier. I need coffee before I go out there again.

2. Today I will just try Sprouts. The coffee is done. I will go now.

3. No line outside the door yet. Good. Maybe it will be normal in here.

4. No bread, no eggs, no dairy. Unless you want to spend $14 on a pound of raw butter or raw milk. Why do people keep getting so close?

5. So much.

6. I take a mug of hot tea and the latest issue of Garden & Gun to the front porch and sit in the sun. I think of how she told me that I picked the hardest genre to want to break into. It was not what I expected her to say. And she might have been right. But I also know that I stopped trying after that day.

7. “As we begin the third decade of the twenty-first century, we face unimaginable challenges of stewardship. From climate to democracy, from civility to equality, the infrastructure of our lives is wearing thin; certainty about the future is as difficult to glimpse sometimes as a firefly in the very first whispers of twilight. This issue calls us to cherish what is right before us and to secure its fate as best we can for as long as we can.nobleIt’s a noble, achievable mission—and too few things in life are both noble and doable.” - Jon Meacham, “Southern Stand,” Garden & Gun

8. It’s just stress.

9. I change my clothes and head out to the backyard. Headphones in my ears. I transplant the mint and rosemary. I grab the inserts from the wine shipment and take them out back, fill them with dirt. I find the seeds from my old garden. I fill the soil with okra and tomatoes and corn and peas. I decide that the far corner might be best for lettuce. It’s shallow and I can’t dig, but I can probably get some greens to grow there.

10. Virtual happy hour with the ladies from the house. It’s good to hear their voices and their laughs. But it’s not the same, it’s not the same.

11. Nothing will be the same and that’s okay. Isn’t it?

Ten.Nine Hundred & Eighty-Nine

1. As I write the title for today’s page I realize that I will reach 1,000 ten-ish things posts while under the shelter-in-place order and that seem significant.

2. Today feels different.

3. I decide that I need to get to the store for toilet paper. I can’t risk it. Not enough if the Amazon delivery is pushed back again.

4. The parking lot here is full but the store is so big surely they have some left. So many people inside. Long lines already. It’s just barely after 7. The man stocking the shelves says everyone just took everything out of the boxes. People keep coming too close to me. I leave.

5. I drive to the Safeway. I can see that the line wraps all the way back to the produce section. I go to the main entrance. So many people. I try to walk back to where the toilet paper would be but then two bodies sidle up beside me. Too many people. I run back out to my car.

6. Target doesn’t open for another 15 minutes. I am number fifty-something in line. There’s no point in going anywhere else. People do not understand what 6 feet is. Space please. I think about today’s alternatives if I can’t get the toilet paper. I can figure it out. I leave with toilet paper and bleach.

7. I tell my husband that it wasn’t the anxiety about not getting toilet paper. What made me anxious was the amount of people. All I could think, every place I went, was “We are all going to be sick.”

8. I schedule the day’s posts for the winery and then decide to clean. I clean the bathrooms, wipe down all the doors. I vacuum. I light the sage and walk to every corner of the home. Usually I have a short prayer I say, but today all that’s in my mind is the chorus of this song. So I sing that instead.

9. "Please just go easy on me baby, go easy on me baby…” - Matt Meason, “Go Easy”

10. If it all ended tomorrow, would I be happy with how I showed up in the world today?

11. I read him some lines from the book. They send a chill down my bone. He says it’s just coincidence, a common phrase. I think of it as prophecy.

12. What really matters?

Ten.Nine Hundred & Eighty-Eight

1. Normal time.

2. Still groggy. May need to make some adjustments.

3. Grateful for the time to gather. I’ve missed every call so to be able to sit there and just listen, be present, breathe, meditate. I needed it more than I realized.

4. Messages asking if we are okay, if I am okay. I am fine. Fine is a default response that ignores the particularities of an experience.

5. I really should just rest.

6. We drive to the farmer’s market pop-up to support the local small farms. The lines are around the corner and kind of doubled-up and everyone looks like they are still standing to close to one another. I tell him that it’s too many people and that we’ll just go to Urban Edge.

7. Beets, gold potatoes, sweet potatoes, kale, local honey, cara cara and blood oranges, the calendar I wanted last summer but didn’t get.

8. Taxes. Now, there’s really no excuse of not having enough time.

9. I don’t think it’s me. Maybe it is me. Maybe it’s all of us. Maybe we should drive to the beach and go stare at the ocean.

10. We could be doing things differently.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Eighty-Seven

1. Dark.

2. Fruit Loops while the coffee brews.

3. Morning pages. Reminding myself that I get to choose my mindset. I get to choose how I respond.

4. These are the things I can do right now.

5. BLTs. Lunch break. I like the working from home thing even though everyone else is also home. But efficiency. Comfort. Talking out loud to myself.

6. The thing is now we have time but we can’t really spend it how we want to.

7. Focaccia. Flour, salt, yeast, water. Nourishment. Gratitude that I’ve learned how to make so much with my own hands. I’ve learned how to make magic. “Kitchen Alchemy.” Whose words are those?

8. I walk back into the yard to find a patch of sun. The smell of orange blossoms and lemon blossoms. The buzz of the bees. The olive tree is dying. When did the oregano die? I’ve missed so much.

9. I ask him what the day is. He says it’s March 17th. He says that it’s funny, that he hadn’t even heard anyone say “St. Patrick’s Day” today. I laugh. It’s true. Nothing is the same.

10. I giggle. Never again use the word “funky” to describe a wine.

11. Hot bath. Needed this. What day is it even?

Ten.Nine Hundred & Eighty-Six

1. Just act like everything is mostly normal. I don’t think I can sleep much longer anyway.

2. Coffee. Bacon. Morning pages. Still so quiet. The bonus of breaks: later bedtimes which lead to later wake-up times which mean a longer stretch of quiet in the mornings for me.

3. Adjust the agenda.

4. Call from a friend. We toss around ideas on how to pivot based on the circumstances. He reminds me sometimes it’s best to ask for forgiveness instead of permission. Show the value. (But also, so tired of trying to prove value.)

5. Outlines.

6. Idris has it.

7. The email says there will be a press conference about a “shelter in place” order. I read the names of the six counties. Alameda and Contra Costa are on the list. Of course they are. I knew they would be. Pivot again.

8. Our Resistance Served family trying to pull together a virtual happy hour. I love it. I love them. I’m sad to not be in New Orleans reliving some of those moments.

9. I talk to Dad and Mom and Brother and Nieces.

10. I tell her it’s my worst spring break too. Do you think I want to be stuck here?

11. I should really go get those lemons off the tree.

12. I know the answer isn’t what he wanted to hear but it is the truth. And I remind him that both feelings and both truths can exist at the same time. Neither is wrong or bad, they just are. And I feel my whole body lighten in just being able to finally say that.

13. Not the last bottle of Eric’s.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Eighty-Five

1. Light poking through the slats. It’s way later than I think.

2. Slight chill in the air. Gray skies. A breeze. Still feeling unsettled.

3. Coffee. Morning pages. Get the mind right. Just get your mind right.

4. Books in bed. The sound of the dryer spinning and spinning and spinning. More coffee.

5. She asks to play with friends. I say no. Blame it on social distancing. Also, let’s just all have a quiet day at home. We need to learn how to be okay with being alone.

6. I get the clay and some paint, miniature trees. If nothing else, at least she has some supplies to keep her busy over break. I stop at Trader Joe’s before we head home. I just need flowers.

7. They’ve shut us down. I had a feeling this would happen. Worry. But then, this could give us the time and space to create new ways of doing things.

8. Too many ideas.

9. Cautiously optimistic.

10. “Don’t be afraid of who you are.”

Ten.Nine Hundred & Eighty-Six

1. Just act like everything is mostly normal. I don’t think I can sleep much longer anyway.

2. Coffee. Bacon. Morning pages. Still so quiet. The bonus of breaks: later bedtimes which lead to later wake-up times which mean a longer stretch of quiet in the mornings for me.

3. Adjust the agenda.

4. Call from a friend. We toss around ideas on how to pivot based on the circumstances. He reminds me sometimes it’s best to ask for forgiveness instead of permission. Show the value. (But also, so tired of trying to prove value.)

5. Outlines.

6. Idris has it.

7. The email says there will be a press conference about a “shelter in place” order. I read the names of the six counties. Alameda and Contra Costa are on the list. Of course they are. I knew they would be. Pivot again.

8. Our Resistance Served family trying to pull together a virtual happy hour. I love it. I love them. I’m sad to not be in New Orleans reliving some of those moments.

9. I talk to Dad and Mom and Brother and Nieces.

10. I tell her it’s my worst spring break too. Do you think I want to be stuck here?

11. I should really go get those lemons off the tree.

12. I know the answer isn’t what he wanted to hear but it is the truth. And I remind him that both feelings and both truths can exist at the same time. Neither is wrong or bad, they just are. And I feel my whole body lighten in just being able to finally say that.

13. Not the last bottle of Eric’s.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Eighty-Four

1. Weekend.

2. Not enough rain just yet to make me think practices will be cancelled. Though they should probably be cancelled anyway.

3. Hard to know what is the most right thing to do.

4. Only half the order manages to get picked. Not surprised. But we can probably get the rest of what we need should we need it.

5. Figuring out the best way to stay alert but not overwhelmed.

6. Nap.

7. There is definitely no social distancing happening in this image.

8. Never not thinking about work which is both a blessing and a curse. Today, more like a curse. He tells me I need to get back to meditation. He’s not wrong.

9. Brooks Wine 2018 Willamette Valley Pinot Noir. Ripe and tart red fruits, maybe a little blueberry. Plus tannins. Fairly long finish with balanced acidity. Structured but not too much. I could drink this every day.

10. With what am I willing to be aligned?

Ten.Nine Hundred & Eighty-Three

1. Finally Friday.

2. So dark. I start the coffee, make more than I need. I hope he wakes up soon. He said he would get donuts.

3. Quiet.

4. We can’t agree on a song and so we ride in silence.

5. I agree with him We do need a plan. But I can tell he’s freaking out which is making me freak out and I am already freaking out. What the hell, 2020? New job, lost job, pandemic, so much uncertainty. I tell him to go for a long bike ride.

6. Whole body is so tense.

7. “The Job. The Career. The Calling.” He says that one is not necessarily better than another. I know where I am on the continuum and I know I need a shift.

8. Never again.

9. Not the Marshall.

10. I could be okay with it.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Eighty-Two

1. Before the alarm. No.

2. I’m ready for the morning light to return. Just ready for summer.

3. The sound of the coffee and the soft whir of the oven as it preheats.

4. I mislabel the dates for the week. No wonder I’m off. No. I’m right. I rewrite the dates on the pages. It doesn’t matter. Well, actually, it does.

5. I forgot my computer. I know exactly where it is. Under the bed. I start to call him but then I remember that I can just work on the other one. I guess that’s a benefit of this.

6. Too much coffee.

7. Lunch with her on the patio. The sunshine. I forget, for a little while, what is real. All that’s real is the sunshine, a blue sky, the feeling of knowing someone familiar. Then back to reality.

8. Why is it so hard for me to listen lately? I just need to listen. Just ask the questions and listen. I write instead of speak.

9. 1 hour and 3 minutes.

10. I am upset too. I’m supposed to say, "…your grandparents…” but instead I say, “…my mom and dad…” I am being just as selfish. I mean that I am just as upset as they are.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Eighty-One

1. No need for the alarm but I still wake up at 4:30.

2. I move slow, slower still. Scones for breakfast, I think. Yeah. I should make something today.

3. I double the batch, under-mix, it’s a little too crumbly. But the texture is so good, so light. It would be better with freshly whipped cream and summer berries.

4. Unsteady.

5. No lunch to make, more space for morning pages, slowly.

6. I tell her that we will probably have to postpone our vacation. She says it’s the apocalypse, she’d rather have us there with her. I giggle to myself.

7. They put the laughing gas on. She has to take my blood pressure three times because it’s too high. Oh boy.

8. Vacuum because, well, it seems like the only thing I can control right now.

9. Two bottles of Pinot Noir from Oregon. Willamette and Eola Amity Hills. The excitement. The excitement. B Corp. Biodynamic. Peace, Bread, Land, and Wine.

10. Pine Ridge Chenin Blanc for dinner.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Seventy-Nine

1. New wake-up time. I need the quiet and the dark.

2. The way the keyboard feels as I type. Still new. The newness reminding me of possibility.

3. Forgot to buy that coffee maker.

4. Morning pages. My first weekday morning pages in a long time. Worth waking up early for this.

5. Huh. Twice in a week, these episodes have been right on time. Last week, Michael Hyatt on productive meetings. This week, Daymond John on your “why.” Yeah, I’m on the right track.

6. I’m glad she asked her the question. Her mother wrote her a check for $250,000 to start her business. These are the very important details we don’t hear about people who build businesses. It’s not just Hustle; it’s Access.

7. Need more coffee.

8. I ask her the questions in Spanish.l but she answers me in English. Why is she doing this?

9. He takes me on a walk through the vineyard. It really is so beautiful. It’s hard to have a bad Monday with this kind of weather, these kinds of views. My ears hear the drip irrigation in the Petit Verdot block.

10. More questions. Putting the pieces of the puzzle together.

11. Full Moon vibes.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Seventy-Nine

1. New wake-up time. I need the quiet and the dark.

2. The way the keyboard feels as I type. Still new. The newness reminding me of possibility.

3. Forgot to buy that coffee maker.

4. Morning pages. My first weekday morning pages in a long time. Worth waking up early for this.

5. Huh. Twice in a week, these episodes have been right on time. Last week, Michael Hyatt on productive meetings. This week, Daymond John on your “why.” Yeah, I’m on the right track.

6. I’m glad she asked her the question. Her mother wrote her a check for $250,000 to start her business. These are the very important details we don’t hear about people who build businesses. It’s not just Hustle; it’s Access.

7. Need more coffee.

8. I ask her the questions in Spanish.l but she answers me in English. Why is she doing this?

9. He takes me on a walk through the vineyard. It really is so beautiful. It’s hard to have a bad Monday with this kind of weather, these kinds of views. My ears hear the drip irrigation in the Petit Verdot block.

10. More questions. Putting the pieces of the puzzle together.

11. Full Moon vibes.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Seventy-Eight

1. Lost hour.

2. Something about these don’t look right. I add another cup of flour. I must have only put in two. That’s better.

3. Still just as good. I brush melted better over them. I think of the biscuits from Church’s Chicken. I think of South Carolina. I think of the biscuits Chef Tate made for the opening dinner served with a sorghum molasses butter and satsuma preserves. How did I forget to take my menu as a souvenir?

4. Coffee and more coffee.

5. Softball for her, baseball for him. Gray skies. I wanted more rain.

6. I check the time. Not yet noon. Tea, blanket, book, bed. Slowing down my Sunday.

7. “Working hard for something we do not care about is called stress, working hard for something we love is called passion.” - Start With Why

8. I read the words and see a vision appear in my mind. It is sunny. There is a table out in a field, next to a garden. There are people. There is wine. There is food. Beyond the garden is a vineyard. Beyond the vineyard is my home. Beyond the home is a set of small buildings that are gathering/living spaces. This is where I do my work. This is where others come to do theirs. This is a place where ideas are exchanged, where community is fostered, where people dream the impossible dreams. I realize the vision is still the same as it was 10 years ago. But I am closer. I am so much closer.

9. The name is taken so now what?

10. These episodes are so long.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Seventy-Seven

1. Saturday.

2. I start on the kitchen right away. I just want to be done before lunch.

3. What do I need to do to not want to kick all these roommates out of the house for the messes they leave behind? What’s the reframe? How do I shift this thinking? I think it’s just making them do more. I am always the default fixer. I’ve inadvertently trained them to trust that I am the one who will get to it.

4. Please rain.

5. Done.

6. Rain.

7. I missed the first farmer’s market.

8. I send the email. I hope it makes sense because sometime I do these things without fully thinking.

9. 10 days.

10. I liked her as Mary, but I like her more as Alice Fletcher.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Seventy-Six

1. Moving slowly through the dark. The sound of the heat blowing through the vents.

2. Bird chatter.

3. I make a full pot so I can fill a thermos to take to work. An extra two cups would be god.

4. 7:36 and no coffee yet. Headache. Shoot. Got too wrapped up in dishes to remember to drink a little bit of coffee.

5. “If you are not tested, how will you know who you are?” - Isabel Allende

6. Dark and quiet.

7. I tell her that reading for pleasure is easiest when I institute regular baths. “Make it really hot,” I say, “so it will last a long time. I read almost 3 books in the month of January just from taking a bath every day.”

8. Kisira and Ali talking about the lack of historical context we have as Americans when we figuratively and literally consume cultures.

9. The light in the living room.

10. I don’t want to keep talking about work but I have so many questions for myself, so many questions for him to talk me through, piecing together the ways in which all of my experience helps me to see things in a different way.

11. I show him Sinek’s Golden Circle: Why, How, What.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Seventy-Five

1. Almost Friday.

2. The tightness of fresh braids.

3. Out of parchment paper. Need croutons for today’s lunch. Gamble with them being browner than I’d like on account of the dark pan.

4. Not enough coffee to fill a tumbler up for the road. Note to self: check Goodwill this weekend for a coffee pot to take into the office.

5. Vibes.

6. So much sunshine.

7. It is the same but also not.

8. I tell him the what, he gives me the why. I just call it intuition.

9. This is really just the beginning.

10. Almost Friday.