Ten.Nine Hundred & Thirty-Five

1. Up, up, the sun is up, so up with you. I used to have that book memorized.

2. The gentle arrival of daylight. No time for slowness today. Straight to business.

3. But do they all really want to play? They get more expensive every year. You think you spend a lot in diapers. Wait until they’re old enough to play sports.

4. I weep on the inside. There will be no time to clean today. Probably not even tomorrow. I’m supposed to not care but I do. Piles of things everywhere. Dirty floors. Unmade beds.

5. Leftover soup before the conference call. Making a list of questions. Committing myself to asking them.

6. There’s no point if we aren’t willing to be uncomfortable.

7. I carefully section her head. I don’t want to make too much work for myself but I know that the upfront investment of time will save all of us so much headache for at least a few weeks.

8. Snickers.

9. One week. I leave for New Orleans in one week. In some ways, I will still be working but I am also aware of the fact that I will get a much-needed break.

10. Done.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Thirty-Four

1. Today.

2. I am moving slower than intended. Too slow.

3. Now everything is too fast. Where is the time going?

4. She says something about the t.v. being a giant mirror and then I realize that I have zero privacy in this position. Which means my days are even less fun.

5. Not surprised. Still disappointed, but not surprised.

6. What are the signs? Probably a sinking feeling in your stomach every time you walk through the door.

7. I am surprised by its beauty. Suddenly, this random opportunity doesn’t seem so bad at all.

8. Nerves.

9. “And I think that’s all of my drama for the day.”

10. Unbearably hot water that I refuse to get out of. I”m sure it’s bad for my skin but there are too many stories to read.

11. This will not feel like a weekend at all.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Thirty-Three

1. Just a few more minutes.

2. I probably should have stayed up late to finish it but no. I have to rest. I have to rest.

3. Early morning darkness. The quiet and the comfort. They will need to get lunch before school. Maybe we were missing some things from the grocery order. Maybe someone ate everything in secret. Food has a way of disappearing too quickly.

4. Diet Culture and Capitalism.

5. I can’t understand what he’s saying but I really need to know.

6. Why is she being semi-normal? She must know something’s afoot.

7. “Becoming an adult is a scam.”

8. Standing at attention today. I think it’s funny how something standing so still can be so captivating.

9. I realize that i’m standing up and that I’m the only one standing up. These Californians are too chill.

10. I’m too angry to even read. All the words are a blur.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Thirty-Three

1. The dream. I want to experience just the last few minutes of it over and over again. I replay it in my mind before getting out of bed. There are just certain things you need to hold on to.

2. Make coffee. Clean the kitchen counters. The granite in this kitchen was never sealed or never re-sealed and so it’s pitted in random places. Which means that every time I run my fingers across the countertops I think there is food stuck to it. This drives me bananas. I can never tell if they’re clean.

3. The sound of the coffee percolating. I think back to our conversation when I said something about how it’s not even just the drinking of coffee that’s become a ritual, but the sound of the coffeemaker that brings about some peace, offers some grounding.

4. Game day.

5. I thought it was Wednesday?

6. If nothing else, it’s just good to have an ally, no matter the result.

7. I keep myself from reaching out to grab one of the calamari. I assume that if I could have eaten some he would have told me to dig it. PIctures first.

8. Truffled popcorn.

9. The baby cows are no longer babies anymore.

10. The boys are travelling all over the place. But we finally win a game. Maybe his method is slow and steady.

11. The story is right here. The story is right here.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Thirty-Two

1. That dream. That dream.

2. Work today. Not looking forward to getting them ready. I think, last night, I told him that I also wished we were still on vacation. I like mornings that don’t require me to boss people around.

3. I shouldn’t think of it as bossing people around. “We lead them,” is what he would say.

4. Leftover roasted chicken, leftover pecorino bread crumbs, caesar dressing, and greens.

5. Gratitudes for access to this car which gets me over the hills with so much ease.

6. I want to write down what he’s saying about marginalized folks but I can’t because I’m driving. But let me remember it as something like this, “It’s the people who are often marginalized who tend to be in these liminal spaces, who see and experience phenomena…” Something like that. Something that rings true.

7. So much distraction. Open office concepts are such a bad idea for the introvert who dislikes overstimulation.

8. The water is cold. So cold. I knew I should have made him take his shower before dinner.

9. She tells me that she believes in me. And it’s oddly comforting to hear that from someone who knew me for only a few months. I press on.

10. I want there to be a season 3.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Thirty-One

1. I can sleep a little longer.

2. A little longer.

3. Feels like a great day for this sweater. If only I had a few more in other colors. But at least I have this today. Comfort.

4. Bacon and eggs. Orange juice. 750 ml of water. Coffee. Sofa. The gray light. Gratitude for these few quiet moments.

5. Frosty. I like “Forest” better.

6. In a way, it makes me even more curious about making it work. Could I make it work?

7. But I don’t want to be a part of a lie.

8. Just nerves.

9. I feel like him. I feel like him when he’s angry about getting off the xbox because it’s the only way he can talk to his friends. When I feel this feeling I feel like it was a mistake, I feel a little angry, I feel a little bit hopeless. I get it now. This is just sadness. This is just missing the things and people you love.

10. No one did their laundry.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Thirty

1. Gray, gray, gray.

2. I know what to do. I may not want to do it.

3. He lets me have the tv to watch my paranormal shows before the football begins.

4. Pages and pages. Highlighting. Exhausting myself.

5. I tell her that maybe it’s just that I’m afraid to put it all in writing and then have to commit to it. And then what do I do if it turns out that I don’t like it?

6. Trying to distinguish fear from intuition. Is it just that maybe I want to do something completely different?

7. These kids.

8. No nap. But lots of laying in bed and being tired.

9. ”Of course, I had less time for reading now, and sometimes I would hold a book in my hand as an object, not as a vessel I had to drain immediately—and I would have a flick of fear, as in a dream when you find yourself in the wrong building or have forgotten the time for the exam and understand that this is only the tip of some shadowy cataclysm or lifelong mistake.” - “Cortes Island” by Alice Munro

10. I will fall asleep before all of them.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Twenty-Nine

1. Didn’t I just say that I try not to sleep in? But I can feel a cold coming and so I should take the extra sleep.

2. Dressed. Scones. Cinnamon. I think they’ll be okay with no sugar on top.

3. Popping popcorn.

4. But the sea salt and black pepper might be my most favorite.

5. Slow, slow, slow. I slam the computer shut. I’m no better than the tween with the “lagging” on xbox.

6. Nap. I shouldn’t nap. But I need a nap.

7. He put on jeans without me even having to ask. And he looks so good in his jeans. So tall. So old. Too old.

8. Syrah and tri tip. Some kind of cheesy bread that is too good to be just a side.

9. Tom Haverford.

10. Ant.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Twenty-Eight

1. That red light. It must not be Christmas lights. Must be something else.

2. Plaid. Seems appropriate for today.

3. I push the error out of my mind. It doesn’t really matter. It does. But it doesn’t. But it does. And yet it doesn’t.

4. I didn’t cook the egg.

5. He offers to go and get coffee. This is a good idea.

6. So much giggling. Alone. In the car. Still some snow on top of the mountains. What is the name of this range?

7. Why is she calling me? Why does he want to speak with me? What is going on here? Am I making a mistake? I don’t think I am. But it’s an easy fix. Right?

8. Liminal Space. Still there. And yet saved a little by this conversation and also the magic of the internet.

9. But yeah, when will I stop?

10. I stick my body half out of the door, watch the steam come off my body. It’s so quiet. Cloud cover but still a little light from the moon.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Twenty-Seven

1. Probably shouldn’t have had that afternoon coffee.

2. I thought they said it was going to rain.

3. I remember that it’s her birthday and that I forgot to talk to the rest of the office about it but it’s early enough that I might be able to stop and get something. The french bakery, maybe?

4. Green. White. Blue. Black. Brown. Gray.

5. Wind whipping everything. So strong it sounds like the windows might blow in. Or maybe a tree could fall.

6. So much water. Can barely see. I hate driving in this kind of weather. I hope the effort is worth it.

7. He shows me how to use the fancy coffee machine. His name is Kash. Cash?

8. I will not say anything today.

9. So much talent. Too little confidence.

10. Forgetfulness.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Twenty-Six

1. Wednesday.

2. I spray the flower essence around the crown, set an intention.

3. The water still has not moved. I try my best to wash the dishes so that we can have bowls for granola.

4. What about tomorrow?

5. I get to catch up with her during the commute. Only interrupted 3 times. I miss her. I miss them. I miss everything.

6. The to-do list expands in different ways.

7. Coffee for the ride home because there are things to do.

8. But at least he’s shooting. He’s been told to shoot. He’s not afraid and that’s a good thing.

9. Why are we the only parents cheering? It was like this in baseball too.

10. “It’s an im-pasta.”

Ten.Nine Hundred & Twenty-Five

1. No.

2. I think maybe the mouth guard helped.

3. The water is still right where it was. I unload the lunch containers from the dishwasher and wash them by hand. Work order.

4. But the sun. Really. The sun and the green. And the brown. And the fog curling around Mount Diablo. It could be worse.

5. I tell her that I am better. That I realized that I just have a hard time dealing with too much low-level thinking. But I find myself excited listening in to the discussion.

6. Everything is temporary.

7. I left my coffee cup on the Keurig. With coffee in it.

8. Someone said the word. Finally. It did take 14 months of living here before he heard it. I guess maybe that’s something.

9. He says that he was wet. I think it means that he was sweaty. Turns out it’s slang for making a lot of shots. I laugh. Kids these days. I’m getting too old to be hip to the slang.

10. Tonight’s bathtub read: SVB State of the Wine Industry 2020. Mental list of questions to ask the husband or the president. I remember how much I enjoyed my Economics course.

11. Is there a job where all you have to do is ask questions?

Ten.Nine Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. Thank goodness I already made breakfast.

2. Layer. One more.

3. Enough time to sit on the sofa and write. Two pages instead of three. But two is better than zero.

4. Check the traffic. Time keeps creeping up and then creeping back down.

5. Will I remember this?

6. Gratitude for the way time is passing today. Enough on the list to keep me occupied, to keep my fingers moving. I try to ignore everything else around me.

7. I just won’t ever ask again.

8. Remember all of the good things coming. So much to look forward to. But then I think of how the things I’m excited about require a different kind of sacrifice.

9. I worry that maybe I made a bad bargain.

10. She reminds me to turn the “don’t”s into “do”s.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Twenty-Two

1. Sweet Saturday.

2. He brings me coffee and a warmed muffin on the tray. I grab my computer and open up the portal.

3. I’ll just clean. Clear the house and my thoughts. This is how I sort all the things out. And it’s also a bad habit for soothing anxiety, but it’s still a tool.

4. Leftover fried rice.

5. Surprisingly empty for a Saturday afternoon. I’m grateful for that.

6. It doesn’t always have to be as hard as you think it will be.

7. Hellier.

8. But there is so much goodness to look forward to and so just focus on that.

9. Because when have you not ever been able to figure it out?

10. She reads all the riddles. It’s a very long list of riddles. She refuses to leave until she’s read them all.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Twenty-One

1. Is it Saturday yet?

2. No.

3. Maybe they will still taste good even if I skip the sifting. And add both eggs in at once. Yeah, they’ll be just fine.

4. Everyone always has to go to the bathroom right when it’s time to leave.

5. It probably got stolen.

6. The crew is out in the vineyards today. It would be a great day to get out there and shoot. I hope he brings his camera bag.

7. He’s got the bag.

8. “You know what time is? Almost time for our lunch.”

9. Allies.

10. I will not have a voice for the season. I forgot how much I love basketball. I miss coaching. I should make the little oneplay just so I can volunteer to coach.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Twenty

1. Up again. But this time feeling the fatigue of the week.

2. Full moon soon.

3. The sound of rain. I like rainy days but I love them most when I can stay beneath the covers or curl up on the couch. Today is not one of those days.

4. I’m slicing potatoes and topping them with caramelized onions and bacon and cheese and putting them into the oven and thinking, “you’re doing this to yourself, you know?”

5. There won’t be time tomorrow to clean after work but before dinner. But how will I get it done so that I can nap on Saturday? What will be for dinner? And how will it get made easily with a double-header tomorrow?

6. I should just cancel our call. I already know the answer really. I just want the answer to be different.

7. I don’t want to put myself in a position where I not meeting expectations because expectations were never communicated.

8. I got it. Why is the email making me teary-eyed?

9. I’m so tired I can’t even think. I just need a nap.

10. I make the pizza dough way ahead of time so that I can get into the bath before dinner. I just need a very hot bath.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Nineteen

1. I couldn’t really sleep any way.

2. That strange red glow.

3. Why is my phone going off. Oh yes! Our call.

4. That definitely makes it all more clear. Everyone else is still sleeping. I can’t figure out what 25 times 50 is in my head because I haven’t yet had coffee. She uses her calculator. It really is amazing what you can accomplish in a short amount of time when you’re hyper-focused.

5. I remind them that I have to leave in 15 minutes because I have a meeting. Give everyone kisses. Trust that they’ll figure it out without me.

6. He’s talking and I realize that I have so much more to learn.

7. Am I unapproachable?

8. What is that noise? It sounds like running water. It is running water.

9. “Is that what they call a burn?”

10. “If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work.”

Ten.Nine Hundred & Eighteen

1. No, no. Time to get up.

2. Where is the sweater. Save the sweater for another. Pick something else. But let it still be gray.

3. “Did you sleep okay last night?” “Yes. I’m just confused as to how it’s already 6:45.” Rubs eyes.

4. Forgot to get what I needed for banana muffins. I realize, as I’m in the middle of making granola and bacon and eggs, that in this moment, I am my own worst enemy. I could have just made them eat the frozen waffles.

5. I roast tomatoes and a bell pepper in the oven to add to last night’s leftovers. Everything smells so good.

6. At it already.

7. Deep breaths. Try to avoid making eye contact.

8. I should share this podcast with everyone. Because it’s not about money. I mean, it is definitely about money, but it’s about more than that.

9. The win is the ask.

10. Her face. So good to see her face. And to hear her voice. And it’s been long since we’ve talked. I will make it up to Seattle this year. That will happen.

Ten.Nine Hundred & Seventeen

1. In the dream he convinced me to leave the doctor’s office and then I felt guilty for leaving which ruined the rest of my day. I think it’s time for me to wake up. Did I forget to set my alarm?

2. A little too leisurely. 15 minutes behind. Still enough time to make banana muffins but there won’t be much time for anything else.

3. All that celery. Very little juice.

4. I get to drive his car today which means that the podcasts will come through crystal clear.

5. Clear sky. Wind turbines standing still, at attention, atop the greening hills. Can see so, so far away.

6. I know this feeling. I put a name to it right away. Why am I feeling said feeling? How can I shift this feeling into one that feels empowering instead of defeating?

7. Huh.

8. Take your time.

9. She asks me why I never told her that I had won an art contest when grandma worked for Pepsi. I had forgotten. And oh yeah, I also had a piece of artwork in an art museum in North Carolina. I had forgotten. Yeah, I guess I’ve always been an artist. Also, we should move to a school district where you actually have art.

10. “If you change, so will others around you, or else they will drop out of your life.”

Ten.Nine Hundred & Sixteen

1. Late. Later than usual. What to make for breakfast?

2. Still asleep. Monday is going to be rough. What can I do today to prepare for tomorrow? I feel like the answer is to just rest.

3. Simple breakfast. I take my coffee and journal back to bed even though I’m fully clothed. The softness of the down comforter.

4. Remove all the ornaments from the tree. This podcast always makes me laugh but today I giggle even more. “I just don’t care what people think about me. I don’t care what strangers think about me.” Yeah, there is definitely a lot of freedom to be found in not caring.

5. She asks what the book is. I give her the title but confess that it’s not a book I would ever recommend to anyone because the bulk of it is maybe too dangerous.

6. I tell her that her message was a sign. That I’d literally been journaling about this over the past few days and her message was exactly what I needed to encourage me to move forward.

7. Hummingbird floating about the street, not even near a tree, just hovering there. I stop and stare at it. I laugh. I think of its medicine: adaptability, optimism, presence, swiftness, independence.

8. Three pink roses.

9. Rest.

10. Back to the evening checklist.